Lisacris

I've posted a couple times...but not in a while. Readers digest recap....I've been with ABF for almost 3yrs. We grew up together, even went to kindergarten together. This week we both turn 45yrs. old. His drinking was never a surprise to me...I actually walked into this relationship with my eyes wide open...we were both married to other people for 20yrs. We both got divorced (not for each other...we got together after both of our spouses had moved out and the divorces were in progress). We lived together for 2yrs. and when he was sober he was a great guy...but he would start drinking, forget to come home, forget where he lived, and be the meanest nastiest drunk you'd ever want to meet.
Back in March I threw him out...but again, he would get drunk and forget he DIDN'T live at my house and show up in the middle of the night.
Two DWI's later he went to rehab, did great for about 2 months....life was looking really good. He moved back in in June. I came home one day from work and there he was with a 6 pack and a few of those airplane bottles...all I could do was cry.
Finally in August I decided that the only way I was going to get rid of him was to change MY address....so I did. I moved 600 miles away with my 5yr. old son. I changed my phone number. He got it from a friend of mine...who said she felt bad after listening to him say he'd sobered up again and wanted me back. He called and pleaded and cried....I refused. I changed my number again. I have never been so sad in my entire life.
I had to go back to NJ last week to wrap up some loose ends. I stayed at a hotel because I didn't want ANYONE to know I was there for fear that I may end up seeing him. Was it bad luck that when I walked into 7-11 he was standing right there???? HE NEVER USED TO GO TO 7-11!!!! And it was 6am! He was on his way to work...(he's managed to keep the same job for 20+ yrs...) One look at him and I melted...is love really THIS stupid???
End of story...we ended up spending a couple days together....he didn't drink once until I told him I wasn't moving back, that I loved him, but couldn't possibly be with him...not as long as he was drinking...
What the hell is wrong with me? How do I get past this? How do I live my life without the one person I truly love? And why do we love the people that are so bad for us? UGHHHHHH....I'm back in NC now....600 miles away from him, but I can't sleep, I can't eat, I want to call him, I want to be with him....is it me who has the problem????

Cyranoak

...and I also love an alcoholic I have known for many, many years. The only thing I have ever found to help me with my problem is Al-Anon. Find your local Al-Anon meetings and go; keep an open mind and go to at least six different meetings before you decide if it is for you (they all have different feels to them). I have seen it over the last seven years profoundly change the lives of many people, including myself, in very positive ways. It helped me be a better dad too. Bonus!

Take care,

Cyranoak

brokenheartfool

We're in the same boat although the details are different. I suppose the answer is to wait until he truly has found some honest recovery. Until then, you'll just be hurting yourself by entering his life again.
Do you have a problem because you love someone who abuses alcohol? No. Will you have a lot of problems if you re-enter his life? Yes.
It's not the love that is wrong, but the heartache that will come if you actively re-enter the life of an active alcoholic.
You can't win here. The alcohol will win everytime. Until the alcohol is gone...you stay gone.

transformyself

The good news is you're wondering what is wrong with you, rather than him.

al anon will help immensely. Coming here, staying here and reading the stickies and being honest with yourself will also help the slow crawl towards understanding and fixing yourself.

AFter all, that's the only thing we can fix-ourselves.

I love this title, by the way. Quickest way to get me to read a thread is ask WTH is wrong with me? And we see several of those a day it seems.

I've been there. Why do I still love my AH that I've been separated from for two years? History, children, addiction? Can't answer that question my friend.

But i can tell you that I no longer ask myself this so often. I dont' come here and ask my friends very often anymore because they've answered it so many times I've started to fix the stuff I don't like, rather than stay stuck, afraid and completely confused.

I can tell you I now have this skill, this magic trick, of being able to sit through the uncomfortable feelings, not react out of intense emotion, then reshift my focus onto myself. Work on myself. Learn about myself-my boundaries, what helps me feel better, what doesn't. Love myself in many ways.

I still love my AH, but I finally, at age 46, love myself enough to not allow him to manipulate or hurt me. I choose to not shift into denial. I accept I'm powerless over his drinking, over him, over every damn thing except good ol Transformyself.

I'm glad you're here. Come on in, Girl. The water is fine..

nodaybut2day

It seems, IMO, from reading your post that as much as he is addicted to alcohol, you are addicted to him. He's your DOC (drug of choice)....he's bad for you in more ways than one, and yet you still want to go back to get "your fix".

This is the mindset that helped me stop dramatizing my situation, and realize that I desperately needed to go work on myself. I threw all the love I had in me into someone else, and completely forgot to start with the most basic foundation: the love for myself.

Cyranoak is right: you need Al-Anon. I would also suggest individual counselling to get the support you need right now. You've already taken an important first step by coming here, and asking yourself (and others) WTH is wrong with you. This is where your journey begins. I know it's hard and painful, but remember that you're among friends, and among people who've been where you are and have survived. And as uncomfortable as it is, try to remind yourself that discomfort never killed anyone.

RollTide

I understand exactly where you are coming from. Been there myself. AlAnon has helped me tremendously.

shegirl

You're doing the right thing, you're going to miss him, you known him forever, but you doing the right thing for you and your five year old

seekingcalm

Seems to me that if you went to all the trouble of moving so far away, you must have had a very good reason.

So stay put, and do not let him manipulate you. Sure, we love them, but so what? It doesn't mean that staying together is the right thing to do.

Letting go is sometimes the greatest act of love, for them, and for ourselves.

Take your time, go to al-anon, stay here and read and post, and enjoy your son. I turned around and mine is all grown up. Don't be distracted from the greatest adventure of your life.

TatliGuzelim

I give you props for asking good questions! Despite the love I feel/felt for my AXBF, breaking NC equates to playing with fire and temporarily halts my progress. To recover from my setback, and resist the urge to act on impulse, I remind myself that there were more bad times than good. I phone trusted friends for a stroll down (bad) memory lane. The reminders help me find my center. Easier said than done I know, but it worked for me today as a matter of fact.

Babyblue

Wow lots of similar stories. I knew my RABF long ago and fell for him then so I think it is that collision of who he used to be vs who he really is now that I struggle with. I overlook a lot of things because of the person I remember and fell for. Then I have all these romantic soul-mate type crazy thinking in my head. Ugh. It is very hard to let those thoughts and fantasies go.

The more I learned about the progression of the disease the more I realized all the fantasies in my head can't overcome his illness. I cant romanticize him into staying sober! Gotta really accept the reality of who he is and unless he PROVES he can stay sober for a substantial amount of time to live a happy and productive life, then all that soulmate stuff is put on hold. We can't afford that type of chaos in our lives no matter how strong the bond, esp if we have kids. I think you are doing the RIGHT thing. But then the heart has other ideas.... I know.

Lisacris

wow...thanks everyone for all your replies. It is definately easier said then done! I keep a list of WRITTEN reasons why I left...by the phone, by the computer, in my purse...and yes, the bad does outweigh the good....even last week when we were together I knew he would have rather been somewhere else....you know how you can just tell? It doesn't make it any easier...or hurt any less that I'm 600 miles away....it seems as if he's just picked up with his life and moved on, not giving a second thought to what we could have had...or how times were when he wasn't drinking....it's like he didn't miss a beat...and in the meantime, I'm seeing a psychiatrist, feeling like my whole world has been flip flopped, struggling sometimes to just get out of bed...why? Because I love him. It's like loving someone you know you'll never have...I truly believe in my heart he will never not drink, I believe he will never leave NJ, I believe he will never truly love me the way I deserve to be loved and he will definately never pull it all together enough to WANT to be sober or with me and my son....again...it doesn't hurt any less. AlAnon...found a couple groups, been to a few meetings...over the past two years...I liked the ones I went to...guess I ought to find some here....I really need to stop acting like a teenager who's just broke up with her first boyfriend...but thats exactly how I feel!!! Thanks everyone for listening....
xoxo

seekingcalm

I have been where you are, and I know it feels just awful now, but I promise you, it gets easier.

He may never love you the way you deserve to be loved, but YOU can love you the way you deserve to be loved. And then wonderful things will happen.

Great idea...BTW, keeping those lists all over. Wish I had done that.