1988July

I have posted before and everyone here was so helpful and gave me a new resourceful perspective on my ex's addiction and abuse toward me. I admit I have not sought counseling like everyone suggested, but I feel like I am decently ok. I am fine, but he has overdosed twice since I cut him off completely, I have dreams of kid napping him, literally driving to his home with friends or whoever to help and taking him locking him in the car and forcing him into treatment, dragging him through the front doors. Each time he overdosed I wanted to go and save him. But I know I can't. I can't be involved for the sake of our daughter and my life. I think it more makes me mad because he doesn't care that he is killing himself, no more then 3 hours after he was released from the hospital he was high again! I am wondering if there is something I can do even a loop hole. It's not for me, I feel like my daughter won't know him for as long as he is doing this but what if he does kill himself, then what do I tell her? I feel like I owe it to her to atleast try. And does anyone know anywhere locally to maybe talk to someone about him hitting me? I feel like I am ok, but I still have occasional nightmares and I am such a introvert now. I never used to be this way. I don't want to date, and when I do I am sooo beyond picky. I refused to continue to date a wonderful guy because I found out he was a vegan, another because he said awesome to much it is ridiculous and I can't control it. I think it stems major trust issues. Has anyone been here before and just been confused as to where your duties as family or girlfriend stop and when it is ok to draw the line even if it has something to do with your childs relationship with the addict. I just feel like if he kills himself and there was a phone call I could have made and didnt that will haunt me. An maybe if I stop being so stubborn and get help to heal myself maybe I can see these things on my own and be stronger. I always sd that I would rather keep my daughter away from him for her entire life and have her resent and hate me on my death bed while she is sober and doesnt even know what heroin is because I cut him out then to be on my death bed with my daughter leaning over me who followed in his foot steps. But now that he is overdosing and at rock bottom, homeless, stealing from people ect he's no longer her addicted dad he's dying.

Ann

Sadly, there isn't a darn thing you can do to stop him from using, overdosing, or repeating the pattern. If there was anything we could do, not one of us would be here.

But you can help yourself regain your balance. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that helped many of us here. Why not give meetings a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I`m sorry for your situation, and hope you find help for yourself very soon.

Hugs

lc1972

Hi I wanted to tell you I went to my first AA meeting last night. It was comforting to be in a room with people that are in similar situations as you. My RAH DOC is also heroin and it scared me to death. I was not physically abused but was mentally abused by him. I am also seeing a counselor for myself weekly. I would also like to say that I am the daughter of an alcoholic. I have just recently found out that from growing up in an active household then seeing my father on weekly visitations is one of the reasons of my co-dependency. What I am dealing with in my husband and myself right now I in no way shape or form want my children to.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers

Kindeyes

Ann is right. There is nothing you can do for him. We all have those daydreams of kidnapping them and forcing them into treatment and pooof it works. But it's a daydream. It's not reality. It just doesn't work that way.

You have a little child to care for. Your ex is an adult and is capable of taking care of himself. Your little girl can't. Your priority is You FIRST (because without you.....you can't take care of her).

It may take time before you can trust again. And that's ok. Take your time and find someone who treats you well and who doesn't do drugs and isn't an alcoholic. Choose a healthy partner and be picky!

But let go of the daydreams and move forward......for yourself and for your sweet daughter.

gentle hugs

1988July

That is all so reasuring. Sometimes I wonder constantly throughout the day, what it would take, what kind of form I could fill out or maybe I could tell the police something and they would take him into psych or something. I know that is so manipulative. I know for sure it isn't for me anymore because my day dreams no longer consist of him being sober and the most amazing husband and productive man in the world and living happiy ever after they consist of him being clean and not having the fear of him over dosing and being able to let him she his daughter without worry of what could rub off on her or her being in danger at all. I think that I have stopped blaming myself and more trying to focus on the future with my kids and so far has been amazing but the both of us grew up in a small town and I recieve constant updates since I am his childs mother, and regardless of if he knows everyone reports to me constantly, they do, I hate t because I will get calls at 2 or 3 in the morning and I always have that pit stomach drop before I even answer, that tells me this is it. He overdosed again today, and I can only hope and pray he just goes to jail soon. I think that I may go to the meetings because I feel like it may help me realize not everyman I meet has a secret drug addiction that he is hiding from me and secretly hits the women he 'loves' I just don't knowwhere to start. The meetings we have here are right next store to His Anger Mgmt classes and that may be a little bit uncomfortable if he ever starts to go. I just feel vulnerable because when I think of him, he's my daighters dad and he wasn't a drug addict to her. She was a daddy's girl. I just picture him holding her and how she was sooo content and happy with him how she chose him over me always. An now I have to protect her from him. I jus want to shake him.

Ann

Just go, I promise you that you will be glad you did.

We all need help and support with this, and live meetings will give you all that and more. Meetings literally saved my life, and they can surely help you make your life better.

Hugs

1988July

I think that I will try it for sure, maybe bring a friend with me so I don't get cold feet, but you are right it won't hurt

rose

I sure wish you would give an al-anon meeting a try. I was hesitant myself about going to one. You don't have to stand up infront of people and tell your story. You can just sit there and listen. That is what I did for the first couple of times and then before I knew it I started to talk, ask questions, I felt so comfortable, I was not alone. Between coming here and going to some meetings I had a real safety ground, people who understood.

As for your daughter, I myself don't think you need to worry about your thoughts of what she may or may not feel in the future. Look at it as it is someone else, would you think it is such a great idea for a 3 year old to see her father in such condition. Taking her to see him is going to open up another can of worms with him.

Your thoughts are just the same as we have all had, "if there was only something we could do, make that call", it is impossible, look at how many members are on this one site it self, if there was something we could or should have done we would not be here. The only one thing that we can do is focus on looking after ourselves.

I think you are doing really great, you are asking alot of questions, talking about your feeling and thoughts, you are very open minded. I don't think you even realize, but you are on the road to recovery!

Rose

Kindeyes

There are some things in this life that we face alone. And it takes a lot of courage. I remember how very hard it was for me to go to a meeting the first time. I was petrified. I was thinking "what if someone in there KNOWS me" or "what if I CRY in front of strangers". They were all excuses congered up in my brain to talk myself out of going. I went anyway. And I'm glad I did. I was embraced and I learn so much. Most of all.....I find comfort in the ritual of it.

Without fear, there would be no need for courage.

You can do this. For yourself and for your daughter.

gentle hugs

crazybabie

Please seripusly consider taking the advice of those before me and go to a meeting, they suggest you try at least six meetings before you decide if you want to stay or not.

I was very afraid to go I had to make myself but I did it and I will be attending my third meeting tonight. I am so glad I took the advice that those who are wiser than I am gave.

Hugs,