crystal226

My father is a drug addict and he has been my entire life. When I was growing up he did coke and then later crack. I didn't know what was going on at that time, but as I have grown up I have seen the effects it has had on me and I understand more and more what having a parent who wasn't emotionally there has meant for me. When I was about 13 he stopped using crack because he became too paranoid and for a couple of years he turned to drinking. Alcohol quickly ruined him and his career and he quit doing that after only a year or two. Then he got into meth when I was about 17 and that had serious consequences for the entire family. I was living with my boyfriend at the time in the house when he started using and I saw him change slowly into someone I didn't even recognize. He was cold, distant, and had lost his kind heart. The people he brought around were terrible and untrustworthy. Things came up missing and random strangers would show up at the house looking for my dad or snooping around when they thought no one was home. It was a terrible place to live and by the time I was 19 it was too much to ignore and my boyfriend and I got out into our own place. My mom was in complete denial that anything was going on and she just hid in the basement and ignored my father completely. Then my brother caught him smoking meth and told her. She got upset with my father and he reacted by waking my brother up and punching him. He told him he had betrayed him. In a rush my brother and my mother moved in with me and my boyfriend to escape. They stayed with me for a year and during that time I had mourned my father and accepted him as dead because when I saw him it felt like he didn't even exist. My brother and mother ended up staying with me for over a year and then things started to improve a bit so they moved back. It took a while for him to really clean up and it was a few years before he seemed normal again. Seeing him slowly come back to life was awesome and the process of forgiveness and rebuilding a family meant a lot to me. Well, recently I have run into problems in my own life with addiction. My husband, the boyfriend from before, had with very little recognition from me (see also: denial) become an alcoholic. Fortunately, I did finally see that and five weeks ago I moved into my parents house to get away from it. I thought it was a safe place for me and my two kids to be while I got on my feet. Then two days ago I heard something that shocked me and now I am scared by what could happen. My brother and I were driving around and he says to me that he saw my dad smoke meth with his cousin while they were deer hunting. He said he confronted him about it and told him he didn't like it or him on it and that my dad said it was a one time deal and he didn't even like it that much. My brother didn't seem concerned, but I am very upset about it. I came to this house to be safe and now I don't know what I should do. I am angry at my dad and it is bringing back so many of those negative emotions I used to feel for him. I need to stay here right now because I can't go back to my drunk husband, but it is going to take me at least two months and probably longer to get in a position where I could move out on my own. I am here with my two kids and part of leaving my husband is that I just can't let my kids go through what I went through. I haven't seen signs of any meth use so maybe I don't need to be overly concerned, but with my father's history trust and security in the situation isn't going to come easy. It hurts too that after five years and all of what this family went through he would even think one hit of meth was ever a good idea and with that kind of judgement...now what? It is also difficult for me because I feel like I am stuck back in my childhood in that I can't tell anyone what is going on. When I moved out I was so tired of the lies living with a drug addict meant for me and I told myself I was done with that. Now, I find myself keeping secrets (lies) again and it is upsetting. If I tell my mother all hell with break lose and I won't have anywhere to go. If I talk to my friends they might tell my husband and he is being really nasty and might use that to mess with my living situation as well. I feel so alone and stuck with this secret and it is killing me. I cried for hours last night and couldn't sleep. I need to be safe and I need my kids to be safe and I am so tired of living at the mercy of others. I pray for the best, but if things get worse I don't know what the next step for me is going to be. Anyway I just needed to share this with someone and if anyone has any good advice it would be appreciated. Thanks.

GingerM

Have you called any of the social service groups that exist where you live? There are many social services out there who can help you by loaning you money so you can get on your feet and out from under your father's roof.

As I have never faced this particular situation myself, I'm not sure where to direct you for nationwide services, but if you call the Raphael House, and ask to speak to someone there (any branch, any state), they are very knowledgeable about the various governmental agencies who are there to help you. There is help available - I wish I could give you names and phone numbers, but help is there.

I feel for your situation, for you and for your kids. I hope that the two months go by quickly and that you are able to protect your children as much as humanly possible.

In the meantime, we are here, we will not tell your husband or your mother and we will listen. It's not quite the same as someone in person, but it beats sleepless nights and no support at all.

DesertEyes

Hello Crystal

I moved your thread over here because the folks in this forum are much more knowledgeable about what your going thru.

Mike
Moderator, SR

Kindeyes

Crystal
Welcome to SR....but as always.....I'm so sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

You have a lot on your plate right now. Breathe. You've taken some steps to improve your situation and even though it's not what you thought it might be......it may allow you some time to get into an even better situation.

Please know that you are among friends here who will offer you support as you work through your issues one day at a time.

gentle hugs