his father is calling me????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
his father is calling me????
Hi well as some of you know my story about my violent exabf and that he is currently in jail.
Well the last two days i have had missed calls from his dad,i suspect it is something to do with him as he is unable to contact me because of the restraining order.
I have not contacted him nor do i intend to but these calls are playing on my mind a bit,he phones again earlier and i just put it on silent.
The thing is his dad is a drunk aswell and he can sometimes phone out of the blue anyway but he has continued to try calling even tho he isnt getting an answer so i guess it is definetly something to do with exabf.
I don't think i should answer as i believe even answering his dads call will give him hope and i reallly want him to go quietly and i feel no contact would be the best way forward and he will eventually give up,i know that the restraining order bothers him but i am so scared that he is going to be full of rage when he comes out and do something bad to me.
He has already threatened during arguments in the past that he would throw acid in my face if i did this or that.
I dont really know what to do,because i have gone back to him inthe past he will think i will again and when i dont i then feel i have really got to watch my back from him because his head is so messed up and he will take it out on me.
Im glad i have the restraining order and do not have to wait for him to do something,this way the police come straight away even if he is standing in the street as he is not allowed in my street at all.
However it still worries me and im unsure of what to do to ensure my safety?
Any ideas/thoughts?
Should i continue to ignore all calls from his father?
Well the last two days i have had missed calls from his dad,i suspect it is something to do with him as he is unable to contact me because of the restraining order.
I have not contacted him nor do i intend to but these calls are playing on my mind a bit,he phones again earlier and i just put it on silent.
The thing is his dad is a drunk aswell and he can sometimes phone out of the blue anyway but he has continued to try calling even tho he isnt getting an answer so i guess it is definetly something to do with exabf.
I don't think i should answer as i believe even answering his dads call will give him hope and i reallly want him to go quietly and i feel no contact would be the best way forward and he will eventually give up,i know that the restraining order bothers him but i am so scared that he is going to be full of rage when he comes out and do something bad to me.
He has already threatened during arguments in the past that he would throw acid in my face if i did this or that.
I dont really know what to do,because i have gone back to him inthe past he will think i will again and when i dont i then feel i have really got to watch my back from him because his head is so messed up and he will take it out on me.
Im glad i have the restraining order and do not have to wait for him to do something,this way the police come straight away even if he is standing in the street as he is not allowed in my street at all.
However it still worries me and im unsure of what to do to ensure my safety?
Any ideas/thoughts?
Should i continue to ignore all calls from his father?
Last edited by celticghirl; 11-08-2010 at 03:15 PM. Reason: made a mistake
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Wow...
Don't take it personally if you get few responses. This is scary situation and I could not even begin to know what to share with you. Good luck with this and consider getting a restraining order against the father as well. In my state, him having his father contact you would be a violation of the restraining order.
I will advise you on one thing, and one thing only. Unless you are already doing so, begin going to Al-Anon meetings. Go to six different meetings before deciding if it is right for you, and keep an open mind while you are there. You don't have to speak at these meetings-- you can just listen if you prefer. Remember also that these meetings are for you, not your ex, but that you may learn things which can be helpful to you.
Good luck.
Cyranoak
P.s. I guess a second thing as well. Keep yourself safe and make sure the authorities know about these threats. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe.
I will advise you on one thing, and one thing only. Unless you are already doing so, begin going to Al-Anon meetings. Go to six different meetings before deciding if it is right for you, and keep an open mind while you are there. You don't have to speak at these meetings-- you can just listen if you prefer. Remember also that these meetings are for you, not your ex, but that you may learn things which can be helpful to you.
Good luck.
Cyranoak
P.s. I guess a second thing as well. Keep yourself safe and make sure the authorities know about these threats. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe.
Originally Posted by celticghirl 
Hi well as some of you know my story about my violent exabf and that he is currently in jail.
Well the last two days i have had missed calls from his dad,i suspect it is something to do with him as he is unable to contact me because of the restraining order.
I have not contacted him nor do i intend to but these calls are playing on my mind a bit,he phones again earlier and i just put it on silent.
The thing is his dad is a drunk aswell and he can sometimes phone out of the blue anyway but he has continued to try calling even tho he isnt getting an answer so i guess it is definetly something to do with exabf.
I don't think i should answer as i believe even answering his dads call will give him hope and i reallly want him to go quietly and i feel no contact would be the best way forward and he will eventually give up,i know that the restraining order bothers him but i am so scared that he is going to be full of rage when he comes out and do something bad to me.
He has already threatened during arguments in the past that he would throw acid in my face if i did this or that.
I dont really know what to do,because i have gone back to him inthe past he will think i will again and when i dont i then feel i have really got to watch my back from him because his head is so messed up and he will take it out on me.
Im glad i have the restraining order and do not have to wait for him to do something,this way the police come straight away even if he is standing in the street as he is not allowed in my street at all.
However it still worries me and im unsure of what to do to ensure my safety?
Any ideas/thoughts?
Should i continue to ignore all calls from his father?
Well the last two days i have had missed calls from his dad,i suspect it is something to do with him as he is unable to contact me because of the restraining order.
I have not contacted him nor do i intend to but these calls are playing on my mind a bit,he phones again earlier and i just put it on silent.
The thing is his dad is a drunk aswell and he can sometimes phone out of the blue anyway but he has continued to try calling even tho he isnt getting an answer so i guess it is definetly something to do with exabf.
I don't think i should answer as i believe even answering his dads call will give him hope and i reallly want him to go quietly and i feel no contact would be the best way forward and he will eventually give up,i know that the restraining order bothers him but i am so scared that he is going to be full of rage when he comes out and do something bad to me.
He has already threatened during arguments in the past that he would throw acid in my face if i did this or that.
I dont really know what to do,because i have gone back to him inthe past he will think i will again and when i dont i then feel i have really got to watch my back from him because his head is so messed up and he will take it out on me.
Im glad i have the restraining order and do not have to wait for him to do something,this way the police come straight away even if he is standing in the street as he is not allowed in my street at all.
However it still worries me and im unsure of what to do to ensure my safety?
Any ideas/thoughts?
Should i continue to ignore all calls from his father?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
The best way to assure your safety is to avoid him at any cost. There is no way I would make contact with someone who is violent and had said he would throw acid in my face. If he is your ex, then you have no need to talk with him anyway, right? If it were me, I'd block his dad's number and any number that the ex might call from. If that didn't work, I'd change my number.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
I dont want to talk to him nor his dad! i just now feel a little anxious and i am thinking allsorts.
I havent spoke to him since before he went to jail and i was getting a bit hopefull because there had been no contact attempted direct or indirect and now that is has i am getting worried about when he is due out and what i should do to make myself safer and obviously the top of that list is to stay away from him,but im scared of him watching me without my knowing and following me,i may be blowing this all out of proprtion but i cant help it.
I havent spoke to him since before he went to jail and i was getting a bit hopefull because there had been no contact attempted direct or indirect and now that is has i am getting worried about when he is due out and what i should do to make myself safer and obviously the top of that list is to stay away from him,but im scared of him watching me without my knowing and following me,i may be blowing this all out of proprtion but i cant help it.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Hey CG, did you have support from a DV or victim support counsellor at the time when you took out the restraining order? could you talk to them about this? clearly the restraining order doesn't extend to his father but it may be that you can have him "advised" to stop calling you?
look after yourself, lovely.
look after yourself, lovely.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Yes, you are awfulizing and projecting. No one can tell what the future holds. All you can do is avoid him at all costs and keep the Order current. Worrying about what may or may not happen only keeps you upset. Worry is wasted emotion. Find something to occupy your mind that you enjoy. Maybe put a rubber band around your wrist and whenever you find your mind drifting to the ex or any of that other garbage, snap it on the underside of your wrist to get your attention. That works for me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
celtic that is an excellent idea. Also, as a rule yes, we sometimes blow things out of proporion but we also have a tendancy to minimalize things (it's a bad habit codpendents have).
If you are fearful (and it sounds like he has given you good reason to be so) do what you can to protect yourself. Contacting a domestic abuse agency is a good place to go. They can tell you how to be safe-especially after he is released. Keep the protective order in place. Also, I do not know your living situation-but if need be, ask your neighbors to let you know if he is seen about. Do you have family and friends around who know your situation and are they willing to help you?
Al-Anon is also an excellent idea to help you keep your boundaries strong.
His dad should leave you alone. He is your ex--so what would you need to talk to him for and if it is indeed your ex trying to contact you through his dad--here that is still a violation of the protective order.
Knowledge is power. Know your rights under the protective order. Keep the police and domestic violence aware of what is going on (including his dad attempting to contact you). Again, if you are worried about "what if" when he is released because you have taken him back in the past and have no intention of doing that this time--make that plan in advance and stick to it. Do you know his release date? That will help you know where to be that day.
Stay safe celtic. I am sorry he is ruining your serenity and causing you to feel such worry. You know him best so you need to think clearly--and if you need help doing that perhaps a therapist or victims rights specialist can help you.
Keeping you in my thoughts.
If you are fearful (and it sounds like he has given you good reason to be so) do what you can to protect yourself. Contacting a domestic abuse agency is a good place to go. They can tell you how to be safe-especially after he is released. Keep the protective order in place. Also, I do not know your living situation-but if need be, ask your neighbors to let you know if he is seen about. Do you have family and friends around who know your situation and are they willing to help you?
Al-Anon is also an excellent idea to help you keep your boundaries strong.
His dad should leave you alone. He is your ex--so what would you need to talk to him for and if it is indeed your ex trying to contact you through his dad--here that is still a violation of the protective order.
Knowledge is power. Know your rights under the protective order. Keep the police and domestic violence aware of what is going on (including his dad attempting to contact you). Again, if you are worried about "what if" when he is released because you have taken him back in the past and have no intention of doing that this time--make that plan in advance and stick to it. Do you know his release date? That will help you know where to be that day.
Stay safe celtic. I am sorry he is ruining your serenity and causing you to feel such worry. You know him best so you need to think clearly--and if you need help doing that perhaps a therapist or victims rights specialist can help you.
Keeping you in my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi celtic girl-
i live in a tiny remote area of scotland. we have yobs here too. i don't think that the people in america can really understand this type of bloke. they don't care about themselves nor anybody else. they think they are the law. they don't care if they go to jail. they simply don't care. they are out of their minds on cheap cidar, buckfast, heroin or sniffing glue. here, one of them set someone on fire, as a drunken prank. i totally heard you when you said you were afraid he would throw a brick through your window, even though there are many people living there.
i think that the best thing to do would be to move away. then you will be safe. the worst thing you could do right now would be to stay there and start seeing someone new. that is when they strike. they think you are their property and would go beserk if you started seeing someone else.
if you want to move away, the homeless people will help you get a council flat somewhere else. they offered that to me.
if you choose to stay, i would recommend being in close touch with the police. did you contact them to install that panic button? the police here have an officer who is assigned to domestic violence and will work with you. they take it very seriously.
definately, go to the women's aid and see what they can offer you. i did not find them very helpful here though.
i would tell the police officer that he threatened to throw acid in your face. they can press charges for such a threat. i would tell the police officer that the father is trying to contact you and that you are scared.
i would also change the SIM card in your mobile immediately. that will get rid of the phone calls from the father.
the main thing is that you stay safe.
i don't know if you drink yourself, but if you do, it might be time to cut back. you need to be sober and alert. stay away from the bars he drinks in, even though he is in jail. everything you do in the pub will be reported back to him. don't put yourself in a situation where you might run into his mates.
no contact is the best way. i don't think you'll be free until he starts seeing someone else. lay low.
i live in a tiny remote area of scotland. we have yobs here too. i don't think that the people in america can really understand this type of bloke. they don't care about themselves nor anybody else. they think they are the law. they don't care if they go to jail. they simply don't care. they are out of their minds on cheap cidar, buckfast, heroin or sniffing glue. here, one of them set someone on fire, as a drunken prank. i totally heard you when you said you were afraid he would throw a brick through your window, even though there are many people living there.
i think that the best thing to do would be to move away. then you will be safe. the worst thing you could do right now would be to stay there and start seeing someone new. that is when they strike. they think you are their property and would go beserk if you started seeing someone else.
if you want to move away, the homeless people will help you get a council flat somewhere else. they offered that to me.
if you choose to stay, i would recommend being in close touch with the police. did you contact them to install that panic button? the police here have an officer who is assigned to domestic violence and will work with you. they take it very seriously.
definately, go to the women's aid and see what they can offer you. i did not find them very helpful here though.
i would tell the police officer that he threatened to throw acid in your face. they can press charges for such a threat. i would tell the police officer that the father is trying to contact you and that you are scared.
i would also change the SIM card in your mobile immediately. that will get rid of the phone calls from the father.
the main thing is that you stay safe.
i don't know if you drink yourself, but if you do, it might be time to cut back. you need to be sober and alert. stay away from the bars he drinks in, even though he is in jail. everything you do in the pub will be reported back to him. don't put yourself in a situation where you might run into his mates.
no contact is the best way. i don't think you'll be free until he starts seeing someone else. lay low.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Get the police to call the father and ask why he is calling you.
Then if it is nothing, they will tell him to knock it off.
Have an escape plan. Do you have family in the area? Tell them what is going on.
Good luck and stay calm. Take action, do not sit there and worry.
Then if it is nothing, they will tell him to knock it off.
Have an escape plan. Do you have family in the area? Tell them what is going on.
Good luck and stay calm. Take action, do not sit there and worry.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
hi all thanks for replys xx
I have an appointment with a lady from the domestic violence centre in my area and we are going to go through a safety plan and any issue and worrys i have they told me to come to them at anytime and i have no reason to be ashamed.
Made me feel so much better and so did you guys thanks xx
I know deep down that i was overpanicking but i feel that its necessary to think the worst that way it will push me to get the help i need.
Thanks again xx
Will keep you updated x
I have an appointment with a lady from the domestic violence centre in my area and we are going to go through a safety plan and any issue and worrys i have they told me to come to them at anytime and i have no reason to be ashamed.
Made me feel so much better and so did you guys thanks xx
I know deep down that i was overpanicking but i feel that its necessary to think the worst that way it will push me to get the help i need.
Thanks again xx
Will keep you updated x
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Having an alarm system installed may be a safe move too.
Having a plan in place is good. I'm glad you contacted a domestic violence centre. They may have a safe house where you can go if things get bad.
Hugs
Having a plan in place is good. I'm glad you contacted a domestic violence centre. They may have a safe house where you can go if things get bad.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
I have seen the woman and they are going to install a camera to the front of the house as we already have one at the back.
I am also getting alarms on the windows and a security light at the front of the house.
And they are looking into a handheld panic alarm for when i am out and about,although they have told me to try and never be alone when i am out for the first few months just untill things die down.
I feels so much better and glad that i no longer underestimate his actions,i now need to remember i am dealing with someone who is drunk 24/7 and that he is capable of almost anything. It has took me 2 and a half years to realise how serious this all actually is and thankgod i have realised it now instead of later.
Thanks for all your support its really appreciated in every way xxxxx
I am also getting alarms on the windows and a security light at the front of the house.
And they are looking into a handheld panic alarm for when i am out and about,although they have told me to try and never be alone when i am out for the first few months just untill things die down.
I feels so much better and glad that i no longer underestimate his actions,i now need to remember i am dealing with someone who is drunk 24/7 and that he is capable of almost anything. It has took me 2 and a half years to realise how serious this all actually is and thankgod i have realised it now instead of later.
Thanks for all your support its really appreciated in every way xxxxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
that's all good news, celtic girl.
and i don't think you are overpanicking at all. it took me a long time also to get into my head that i was really at risk. drunks are unpredictable and it can all shift in a minute, i have discovered the hard way.
glad you are taking steps to keep yourself safe!
naive
and i don't think you are overpanicking at all. it took me a long time also to get into my head that i was really at risk. drunks are unpredictable and it can all shift in a minute, i have discovered the hard way.
glad you are taking steps to keep yourself safe!
naive
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
