Hope44

Dear SR friends,

My husband and I had to kick our daughter out of the house again. As I shared previously there had been signs that her recovery was slipping. Finally, last Thursday, I found drug paraphernalia in her purse - a deal breaker in our home. She was going on two months of outpatient rehab. My husband spoke with her group leader who shared with us that AD admitted to using, and was confronted several times by her group about not doing the work. She also was not showing up consistently, using the excuse (lie) that we couldn't give her a ride. She is being discharged from outpatient and recommended for an inpatient program. She seemed to be doing so well at first but somewhere along the line.... she got lazy? Confident?

In 2 hours she lands at the airport (she was in San Diego over the weekend, having been invited by her lifelong friend to his last Marine Ball) and we've told her she cannot come home. It was her choice to go against our rules, but it sure feels like we are the bad guys. I'm feeling anxious today, and numb. Bringing my worries and sadness before God, asking Him once again to shelter me in the shadow of His wings, until these calamities have passed by (Ps. 57:1). This might be a long time. There might be no finish line. Just asking for strength for me and all of you. And our addicts, some hard at work in their recovery and others feeling hopeless, unloved, and abandoned in this world. God be with us all.

Hope

Kindeyes

Hope
You (and your dear daughter) have my prayers. I know how very hard it is to see them tumble and fall like this. I've watched it with my son and it hurts so terribly. Be strong. And know that there are so many other mothers out there who are dealing with the same issues and understand your fear and anxiety.

Perhaps it's time to pick up your own recovery tools and find your serenity.

gentle hugs

Impurrfect

(((Hope))) it's not so much that you are kicking her out of the house, but that she chose to break the rules, even knowing the consequences.

I know it really doesn't make you feel better, knowing that she chose the drugs again, but it's all on her.

I'm sorry she's not done yet, but I know, for me, I had to have a whole lot of bad consequences happen before I was finally ready to surrender.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Hope44

Kindeyes, thank you, it does help t be reminded we are not alone. I am basking in the words of the serenity prayer this afternoon and praying for wisdom. Thinking of you, too, and the positive steps your son is taking.

Impurrfect, thank you for putting the situation into perspective. As a mom I wish I could give her a thousand second chances, but that would only prolong her descent, if indeed that is where she's headed.

Hope

Freedom1990

Hope, there are times I wonder if I would not have hit bottom sooner had my parents found their own program of recovery and stopped enabling me.

However, here I am today, clean and sober since 1990.

I learned from what my parents did, and I refuse to soften the consequences of my 32-year-old AD's choices.

There is no place to stay at my my home when she gets evicted (which she did again recently), there will be no money on the books/phone calls/visits when she goes to jail (which has been multiple times over the years), I will not rob her of the opportunity to hit a bottom.

When I relapsed after 4 years in recovery, there was no one to pick me up, and for that, I will be eternally grateful.

I had to want recovery more than anything else, and start doing the hard work I knew I needed to do.

Keeping you, your husband, and your daughter in my prayers!

Hope44

Freedom, thank you. I recently read that we should never deny an addict their pain. This is so far removed from the days when we used to pick up our child after a fall, wash and dress their wounds, and kiss them all better. When the time is right (if not sooner) I hope my daughter finds the desire in her to do the hard work, just as you did.

Seren

((((Hope)))) Geez I'm sorry to hear about it. It is hard, I know, but it was her decision, and the control was in her hands....she made her decision and now there are consequences.

I will hope and pray that your daughter will learn to make that "next right decision" soon!!!

Hugs, HG

Hope44

Thanks HG. I don't see how we could have been more clear about the rules. She did go against them. But to be honest, I've been wrestling with the whole concept of "relapse is a part of recovery" - if this is true, her days here were numbered. Was it a no-win situation, right from the start? Were we expecting or asking too much, setting a boundary that she was bound to step over?

I think it was someone on here who recently said that relapse is not part of recovery... relapse is part of the addiction... recovery is part of recovery. Just trying to make sense of it all. If anyone has any wisdom or insight, please share.

Did we set her up to fail? I know in my head the answer is no. But my heart....

Hope

Hunny1116

Oh, I'm sorry, too, Hope...

You are not alone. I left my AS on the street a few months ago after he began using drugs again. It is simply heartbreaking....

The disease is progressive and will continue to get worse until it is arrested through recovery. I'm sorry to say that, but it is the truth. There is no easy fix.... for them or us.

If your daughter is able to use, and comfortably continue with her life as usual, why should she change? Someone once said to me, "if you allow your son to live with you or if you give him money to pay rent, etc. while he is using, that is like holding up a big sign that says... It's OK to use my money to buy drugs."

That made sense to me.

with love,

FGB

Hope, big hugs to you. I've just begun this journey through he!! with my AS. I have no advise, but just want to send you hugs. FGB

Impurrfect

(((Hope))) as far as the "relapse is part of recovery" thing, I can only give you MY experience. When I first got off crack, I was not in recovery. I was white-knuckling it, had the better part of a year, but hadn't changed my thinking, still thought I could use "occasionally". I did, actually, but occasionally got more and more frequent. I relapsed.

At that point, I started reading here, more and more (didn't join for 6 months after I got clean), and I decided to give recovery a shot.

I haven't relapsed, and I have no intention of doing so. I know I'm an addict for life, but that addiction can be in remission, so to speak. I know of many RA's who never relapsed.

I've learned to be grateful, something I never was in addiction. Even when I'm struggling with consequences (yes, I am...3-1/2 years later), I know it is all a part of growth, and I am learning valuable lessons.

I know, as an RA, I shouldn't ever say "I will NEVER use drugs again", but I CAN say that I will do everything I can to not even want them.

Don't know if that helps out, any, but I continue to keep you and your daughter in my prayers.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Freedom1990

Relapse is a part of my disease, not of recovery.

My sponsor celebrated 29 years this past August, with no relapses since he first got clean/sober.

I started setting myself up a good 3 months in advance before I ever used/drank again.

I believe that phrase "relapse is a part of recovery" started coming out of rehabs, and ones I would be highly suspect of.

Too many addicts have latched on to that and used it as an excuse.

Relapse can and does kill.

Chino

You set her up to learn, just like when we teach our kids to ride a bike. We take the training wheels off and know they're going to fall, but we also know there's no other way for them to learn balance

Ann

She had a choice, stay clean and live with you or use and pay the consequence. She made the bad choice of using, so it's not on you at all.

Living the consequence may just save her bacon. Maybe between getting kicked out of her out patient program and your house will be the nudge she needs to get serious about her recovery, whether it's rehab or on her own.

You both are in my prayers, I know how hard this is for you, really I do because I've been there. I learned that living in their darkness (disease) doesn't help either one of us, but living in my light (recovery) saves me and may just inspire them to follow....their choice.

Hugs

keepinon

You did not set your daughter up to fail. She chose not to use the tools she was given. She is not in recovery..dabbling maybe. The good news is she knows that there is help out there is she decides to take it. We just can't turn that light bulb on for them sadly. I have been in your shoes and it isn't fun.What I learned was that my home was not a good sober living environment for my daughter OR me. Keep up with your program, it really does make it harder for them to thrive in their addiction.

Hope44

Thank you to each one of you for your support and wisdom. We just found out that our daughter was driven tonight to a house in a bad area. She was visibly sad when she was dropped off, and there was a man waiting for her in the doorway. I have no idea who this man is, but I fear he's a pimp or a dealer. I am in tears tonight thinking of my girl in that house, with him, feeling like she is powerless to make a better choice. She so wanted to come home... which WAS a better choice in her mind... but we had to say no. This is so hard to bear.... my heart goes out to anyone who is or has been in this place, on either side.

FGB

Hugs ((Hope)). I'm going through this with my son. I can only send you hugs, hope, strength, and love. I'm just in the beginning of this nightmare, just learning allthe steps. But I wanted to send you all my best, and many hugs. Your post brought tears to me, and I wish I could help somehow. Son or daughter, it's still a mom's pain and it hurts. Hugs to you. FGB

Nerdgirl

She's an adult, hun, and she disrespected your boundary. There are consequences for the choices she has made. She chose to go to that house in the scary part of town by virtue of her actions - she owns it - not you. Do not accept responsibility for this turn of events. I'm sorry that things turned out like this, but try to think of this as part of her process.

Be well.

Serenity Bound

Hope, Just wanted to send you prayers & hugs. I know that my heart was breaking and my fears were large when my RAD was living on the streets. It was easier (sorta of) when I didn't know a thing....it got harder when a friend of hers called me to relay what she was doing and how she was living. Prayers, Faith, Support & Lots of Hugs coming your way.

Chris

Chino

I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers, for serenity and sobriety.