mamajama

I logged on today and realized that it's been 3 years since I first joined this site. My husband is still drinking and making excuses and I'm still making excuses as to why I am still around. His life is a drinking nightmare, and mine is a codependent nightmare.

I work and have 3 sons and 2 stepsons that I am responsible for. Two of my sons are disabled (Autism and Down syndrome). My husband drinks at least a 12 pack a day.:

I tried to detach and focus on myself and the kids and my husband started having an emotional affair with another woman - I believe that there were more women, but I'm not sure. (That was my punishment, I suppose). Up until then, I thought that he was at least devoted to me, but we don't even have that anymore.

I hate my life and I feel sorry for my kids. I keep circling the drain but refuse to go down, my friends. The really sad thing is that I know exactly what needs to be done, but for some reason, I can't move forward. Thanks for listening.

Hollyanne

Hi Mamajama,
This is a step forward. You sound kinda busy, so maybe you can't just grab your purse and walk out. Make a list of what your husband contributes financially, emotionally, practically. Do you need him? Maybe you do, maybe you don't.
Sounds like you are sailing this ship alone. The kids need you, get rid of the deadwood.
By the way, what is the punishment thing? Surely you are not suggesting that you deserve this in some way? I had a down syndrome brother and that is a lot of responsibility. You are in my thoughts.

goldengirl3

I think my big moment was when I went to see a new counselor and he said, "I think this situation has a lot to do with how you feel about yourself." I was in tears. I had never made that connection before...even though other people might have said something similar in another way.

mamajama

Hollya, the punishment was not what I felt I deserved, but what my husband felt I deserved for ignoring him. Thanks.
Golden, you are probably right. Funny how I never took any crap from anyone when I was younger, and now, my feelings about myself have totally changed. The disease will do that.
(It's true, I suppose, I can't just grab my purse and go, but boy would I like to.)

Still Waters

You CAN grab your purse and go. It might not be the best way to do it, but sometimes it's the only way.

vujade

It's easy to get in the mindset of thinking that if "this" is as bad as it gets, you can deal with it. But its the frog in the hot water kind of thing. The truth is, I didn't have the strength to say "enough" until I put a bunch of pieces together one weekend (Rx drugs, stealing money, affair) and got angry enough to make him leave. He was convinced that it was just a day or two kind of thing. And it probably would have been had I not done some immediate reading and soul-searching.

The problem is that so often we used a "balanced scale" approach to decide if we should stay or go. The good/bad balance can easily change from one day to the next so it is a an ever-changing, subjective manner for making a very important life decision. There is a GREAT book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" that pulls the make-or-break things into smaller pieces and get past the balanced scale approach. It helped me make a solid decision on leaving my marriage - one that I still feel peace with. When I start feeling that old "maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought" feeling, I go back and read the highlighted sections of the book to help me stay focused. I highly recommend it. (Also - his pathetic whining makes me just angry enough to stick with it. But I digress...LOL)

Cyranoak

[QUOTE=mamajama;2760894]I logged on today and realized that it's been 3 years since I first joined this site. My husband is still drinking and making excuses and I'm still making excuses as to why I am still around. His life is a drinking nightmare, and mine is a codependent nightmare.

...and I feel for you. I know what it is to want to leave permanently but not be able to. I could never pull the trigger and it frustrated me. I'll sending my positive thoughts your way so you can do whatever it is that you want to do.

Cyranoak

TakingCharge999

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html

Divide and conquer, mamajama. When I try to "solve it all" right now, I panic and do nothing. But, dividing the tasks make me feel more powerful, more in control and less stressed out. Check out that link, perhaps do some small task - do you drive? what about making another copy of your car's keys? that link talks about a trusted friend - someone who is not influenced by your partner. Who would that be? So for instance you now have 3 small tasks

1 make a copy of your car's keys
- where?
- when?
2 identify a trusted friend
3 call or email trusted friend about keeping your key, agree on a time where you will give it to her (or him)

Diving a huge task in these kind of specifics is something I am learning too.

Finally I would like to mention you deserve joy in your life, happiness and loving company.

Bernadette

Pretty insightful post mama!
(((((hugs))))))
peace-
B

Learn2Live

My dad has been sitting there drinking 15 to 30 beers, smoking 3 to 5 packs each and every day since 1989 (minus a day here and there where he tried to quit).

You do realize that it does not get better? That yes, even though you think "a person cannot continue like this much longer" yes they can?

Is this what you imagined for yourself when you decided to marry this man? Is this the life you chose for yourself years ago? If not, what WAS the life you wanted and dreamed of for YOU?

sapphire69

Just over a year ago I was driving my AH home from jail. He had been arrested the night before for domestic violence (an altercation between him and my then 7 yr old daughter) I told him that I would no longer put up with his crap. In my mind I made a decision and gave myself a time frame. I began working, I mean really working the steps and getting myself healthy. I knew the decision to leave would come when I was ready. Two months ago I told him I wanted a divorce and last week I filed. We have been married almost ten years and have two children, I also have a son with Autism. It took time and healing but today I know that I cannot live with an active alcoholic and it is better for me and my children to leave this relationship.

I understand what you are going through as most of us here do. Take small steps and in time you will know what you need to do. Getting yourself healthy is the first step. Once you can think clearly everything else will fall into place. (((((Hugs))))))

mamajama

I do realize that it does not get better. I also know that the disease is progressive and fatal. And no, this is not how I imagined my life. But I didn't imagine being the only responsible parent of two special needs kids and two stepsons who are not wanted by their mother. So on the backburner I go. (All excuses, yes, I know.) I also know that my alcoholic husband is driving the train and I'm scrambling trying to keep everyone on track ... and it sucks.

I appreciate everyone's replies. Thanks.

Freedom1990

Have you ever read on the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum here at SR?

If not, you might want to take a look.

You may feel that you don't have choices in your life, but you do. The kids don't.

My 32 year old AD lived with the insanity of alcoholism for the first 8 years of her life.

She has no life now other than to suck off the system, eat Xanax, and choose partners as sick as she is.

What legacy do you want to pass on to those children in your home?

mamajama

Thanks Freedom. I am an adult child of an alcoholic, so I know how it goes and am not oblivious to the long term effects. Two of my children are my husband's children. Their mother doesn't want them, and I have no rights to them as their stepmother (i.e., I can't take them with me). If I leave, they stay with an alcoholic dad and no mother. So, the main reason I stay is so they have someone who can care for them. My husband makes a good living, is home every night, non-violent, has never broken a law and is a model citizen as far as anyone on the outside is concerned. There is no reason for anyone to let me have custody of those 2 boys. This may be just another excuse, but that's where I am right now.

Freedom1990

I understand your feelings towards your stepchildren. That is a difficult situation to say the least.

It just hurts my heart that you live with his alcoholism.

acdirito

Dear Mamajama you wrote "I hate my life and I feel sorry for my kids. I keep circling the drain but refuse to go down, my friends. The really sad thing is that I know exactly what needs to be done, but for some reason, I can't move forward." "Thanks Freedom. I am an adult child of an alcoholic, so I know how it goes and am not oblivious to the long term effects. Two of my children are my husband's children. Their mother doesn't want them, and I have no rights to them as their stepmother (i.e., I can't take them with me). If I leave, they stay with an alcoholic dad and no mother. So, the main reason I stay is so they have someone who can care for them. My husband makes a good living, is home every night, non-violent, has never broken a law and is a model citizen as far as anyone on the outside is concerned. There is no reason for anyone to let me have custody of those 2 boys. This may be just another excuse, but that's where I am right now."

You provided your own answer why you feel stuck. It's because you are a loving and caring mother.

What are the chances of you being able to adopt your stepsons? If you adopted your stepsons, then you would have the same rights as their father. I am, also, from Texas and know there are both state and federal programs that can give you support.

********************************************* ******************

JUST FOR TODAY I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

JUST FOR TODAY I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

JUST FOR TODAY I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will lean something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

JUST FOR TODAY I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do - just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA

Sean718

I know how it feels to try to keep everything together. Sometimes it became to much for me. I became irritable because I couldn't get it all done.

Your husband may be driving the train, but it's your choice to stay on board.