nicam

My mother has been an alcoholic/addict for as long as I can remember, never recovered, never worked a program. We older kids grew up in foster care, and now my little half brother from mom's second marriage is about to face a similar situation. My aunt payed my mom a surprise visit and found her laying in bed, in her own ****, unable to talk or move. She had been like that for 3 weeks straight according to my brother, drunk and high, and hadn't showered in god knows how long. My aunt's taking my brother to live with her, poor kid.

After learning about this today I can't help but wish my mom would just die already. Isn't that horrible? It's not the first time I've thought it either. I don't really mean it, and I feel so guilty about these thoughts. Has anyone experienced something like this after so many years of a loved one slowly killing themselves? Oi vey...I feel so bad.

transformyself

I'm no expert, but I wouldn't call those horribly inappropriate thoughts, but rather a normal reactions to an insane situation.

Here are some hugs for you. Be kind to yourself. You're grieving and just trying to deal.

acdirito

I understand all too well your "dark side" thoughts. I think it is a "normal" reaction to our living in abnormal situations. I have worked in a medium security prison and have come to the conclusion anyone is capable of committing murder under the "right", or should I say the "wrong", conditions.

I believe someone very close to me actually poisoned her abusive alcoholic husband. She is now in her 70s; but the guilt she has had to live with has robbed her of any type of fulfillment. She has abandoned her contact with her children and her grandchildren. She is afraid of letting her family too close for fear her secret will be found out. I know this person, and I know this is not the way she wanted her life to live out to.

Even though we have these "dark side" thoughts, we must not allow them to take root in our minds. Our own guilt will eat us up and destroy our future. Resentments are like stray cats: if you don't feed them, they'll go away!

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Instead of praying "God be with me," pray "God bear with me!"

Still Waters

I don't think they're inappropriate at all - I think they're normal under the circumstances. In Codependent No More Beatty talks about how many spouses living with alcoholics daydream about the funeral.

With me, I can remove myself from the insanity by legal means (divorce), you cannot.

I'm sorry you had to grow up in that alcoholic mess, and I'm sorry your little brother is too. Thank goodness your Aunt stepped in.

keepinon

I have all kinds of fantasies that I am not proud of..one of my alanon friends was like..sooo do you act on these thoughts? I said..NO! She's like, so what's the problem.Seriously, I have had horrible thoughts about my mother who is NOT an alcoholic. They are just thoughts, feelings, reactions to an almost unbearable situation. No guilt needed.

nodaybut2day

I have often found myself wishing for cartoon-like endings for my XAH (insert falling boulder, baby grand piano or large metal safe here...). I don't think it's horrid. It gives me a good laugh and then I move on.

TeM

I've had these kinds of thoughts, and I think they're probably a normal human reaction. Where some people cross the line is by acting on these thoughts.

I, too, feel guilty when I think about such things. Heck, I even feel guilty when I think about divorcing my AW.

HoopNinja

I remember several years ago when my Dad was diagnosed with a terminal condition--well my 2 sisters and I were all thinking the same thing and finally my sister who is 2 years older than me just blurted it out--the wrong parent is dying. This is not fair!

Just like noday I had visions of xah getting hit by a something or just falling down and dying (like his best friend did 2 years ago--I thought that would be a wake up call-nope!). I am truly unsure what xah's low will finally be. Maybe nothing. I would have though losing my wife and 2 kids would have been enough too-but nope to that too.

Yesterday he called to complain to me that the church where he works asked if he would like a free Thanksgiving basket and how humiliated he was. Still not getting it. . .

TeM

HoopNinja, it appears that "the bottom" looks different for every alcoholic, and some never see it until it's too late.

My own AW got drunk and broke her ankle... yet she sees no reason to stop drinking. I find this astonishing, and unbelievable. Just the other day, typical of her OCD behavior, she ordered a year's supply of Vitamin D from some infomercial she saw because Dr. Oz said it might prevent certain kinds of cancer. Yet, she sees no problem with soaking her liver in alcohol every day.

It's absolutely maddening.

Still Waters

It's insanity. I was reading an old old crime mystery book I got off of the Gutenberg, I think it was an Edgar Wallace or a J.S. Fletcher. Anyway, in there the main character mentions how drunkenness is legally considered a form of insanity. These were written in the 20's.

Cyranoak

...but I agree with many of the others that we could argue all day about whether or not they are actually inappropriate. IMO they are natural given what you have experienced. It's more about how you handle those thoughts, and any guilt you may be feeling because of them.

I don't feel quilty about my thoughts like yours, just sad, and I've wished my wife and step-father dead many times. I love them both, they are good people when sober and they are both in a period of sustained sobriety right now, but the pain they cause with their drinking naturally brings angry and resentful thoughts to me, as does my constant worry they will drink again (sometimes more worried than others).

Having said all of that, my best friend and the best man at my wedding was also an alcoholic, and he is now dead from his disease. I miss him, but I don't miss the drama and pain at all. His death did in fact make my life a little better and more serene, primarily because I did not replace him with another alcoholic. Thank God for Al-Anon or I'm sure I would still be collecting alcoholics. I believe he is now at peace, though I can't prove it.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

Thumper

It is a horrible situation, but you are not a horrible person. I think many have had similar thoughts. Like others have shared, I used to daydream of the funeral. Not so much the death, but just a funeral. I felt trapped, and sometimes death (his not mine) felt like the only way I'd ever be free. The only way to get out, to breath.

What we have discovered, or are in the process of discovering here, is that we are not forever shackled to the emotional pain and suffocation of loving an alcoholic. We don't need death to save the day. We can save ourselves.

Perhaps you can begin to look for ways to emotionally free yourself from some of the trauma. Al-Anon may have a map. Have you tried al-anon? I've heard there are groups for adult children of alcoholics but I've never been to one.

You, and your brother, are in my thoughts today. I do acknowledge the incredibly difficult hand you've been dealt. You are not bad, or weird, or crazy for your expressions of pain. They are normal. Do not feel guilty. I wish for you both the healing of your hearts and souls.

Hadassah

My older brother was an alcoholic, and died when he was 39. He left behind two little ones. I have said that even though I loved my brother very much, those kids are probably better off than having him in their lives, because of the alcohol.
p.s. he did not die because of alcohol. He was murdered in his home, due to a robbery.

MsPINKAcres

not only did I use to have thoughts of my ex AH dying but I remember BEGGING GOD to kill us both!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Him because of all the damage and havoc he was causing and me because I was so miserable living!!!!

I felt if we both died at least I had managed to pay the life insurance and our girls would have money to live on and be much better off.

God never answered that prayer. Today I'm grateful I'm alive - my ex is still out there doing what addicts do, but I'm healthier and hopefully by God's Grace giving my girls a little bit better Life Skills by my example than what I did before.

Every Al-Anon or family member of an Alcoholic/addict that I have ever talked to has had those same feelings - so take a deep breath, relax and maybe do something good, healthy and recovery oriented for YOU today
YOU deserve it!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

LucyA

I once wished my brother would die, not to get him out of my life but so that he could stop being tormented by 'his demons'.
This one time was when he was very ill, I got my wish, and I really have very few regrets about it. He would never have been who he wanted to be had he lived, and Joe would never have had the dad he wanted him to be.

It's sad but true, I really believe my brother now has the peace he would never have found again in life. I miss him, but it would be selfish to want him alive as he was.

nodaybut2day

Not to make light of the suffering of others, but sometimes it does help to let out one's street and think of silliness.

BuffaloGal

After my aexh told our daughter that he "probably won't live a long life" I started to visualize what life would be with him dead. (Telling your only child you expect to drink yourself to an early death? Is this normal or loving? Still, no wake up call there, folks. What a surprise.)

However, my more standard inappropriate thoughts (maybe) involve placing one of his wine bottles in a dark and enclosed space in the lower half of his person. I'd be ashamed to admit how often I imagine that.

nicam

Ha, well I guess I'm not alone in these "inappropriate thoughts", and when you live in constant fear that everyday might be their last how the hell could you not just want to get it over and done with.

Thanks to all of you. I don't feel so crazy and guilty anymore. My heart goes out to all of you for having to live with such insanity. We don't deserve this, never did, never will.

acdirito

Two more cents from me. It's our guilt or conscious that helps us draw a line in the sand between our "dark thoughts" and our actions. The difference between codependents' "dark thoughts" and sociopaths' thoughts is our ability to have guilt or conscious.

Second, be careful in therapy talking about our "dark thoughts". During my last therapy session I stated I have no problems that arsenic couldn't cure. Thank God my therapist and I have known each other for over twenty years because he informed me he would be obligated under law to report my comment to the authoritives if he hadn't known me.

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Only God can turn a mess into a message!

Babyblue

Perfectly normal to have those thoughts when you feel a loved one is suffering or as an escape to the feelings of hopelessness their loved ones have.

Over the summer I watched my best friends young child waste away due to a rare cancer and I felt guilty about hoping she'd not make it through the night but that was because of the suffering her and her parents were enduring for too long. I felt guilty but my therapist assured me that is a normal response when we are having to go through very stressful or traumatic things.

Its your minds way of saying 'please make this stop'.