Kindeyes

As many of you know, my son is currently in an inpatient facility. We are fortunate to have a reasonably good relationship with our son's ex-girlfriend who is the mother of our grandson. We get to see our grandson regularly.

We (our grandson's mother and I) have agreed that it would be nice for me to take my grandson to see his father next weekend. We are trying to come up with an age appropriate explanation of where Daddy is right now (he is 5 years old).

Due to my son's instability, he has not seen his son in about 2 - 3 months.

Has anyone taken their child(ren) to see a parent in inpatient? And how did your children handle it? How did you explain where Mommy or Daddy was?

Any feedback on your experience with this would be greatly appreciated. I will also be talking with the folks at the rehab (afterall, they are the professionals) to discuss whether this would be advisable and what the best way to discuss it with the child or whether it's just best to say nothing and just answer questions if he asks them.

gentle hugs

gotahavfaith

Kindeyes

When my daughter was an in-patient, it was in a 12 bed facility (farmhouse)with all women. Since her and my grandsons lived with me I had to have an explanation as to where mommy was. I told the boys that she was in a school where she was learning how to take care of herself and learning how to take care of them better. This seemed to work pretty well. The 6 year old had a few questions, mostly wanted to know whether she went to classes like he did, did she have homework etc...how long she would have to stay in school. He knew his mommy was sick before she went and had to get better, so it worked for us. The 3 year old basically understood.

We would visit on the weekends and they got to play outside, and visit the "classroom" where her schoolwork was done. They also got to stay all nite with her one at a time. So they got to see what she did. It worked for us.

Hope that helps.

Gotahavfaith

Babyblue

Depends on the child's relationship with his dad. Is it a healthy one? Does seeing dad trigger anything like anxiety in the little one? You'd know best.

My suggestion is to prepare him for what daddy's situation is. 5 year olds know way more than you'd think. Answer his questions but without going into too much detail. Keep reassuring him that his dad loves him very much and that daddy is happy.

I've done art therapy with kids and having him draw or make something for his dad will really help him. Or better yet have your grandson write a 'story' he can read to his dad with pictures.

Kindeyes

I like the idea of explaining that Daddy is in school. Because....in a sense....he is. I plan on taking some activities that they can do together. Some games, some art supplies, and some books. I'll take a walk and let them spend some quality time alone.

Their relationship is good. There is no anxiety caused to my grandson when he sees his Daddy. He loves him very much and is always so excited and happy to see him. His Momma told me that her father went to daycare to pick him up and one of the kids told him that his Daddy was here to pick him up. He said "That's not my Daddy."

I'm sure that he's becoming aware that something is different for him than for other children.

When children are involved, it's always hard.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and suggestions. It is very much appreciated.

gentle hugs

coffeedrinker

I know that you asked from those with experience, but I'd like to suggest you guys holding off on this visit.

Children fare far worse when their parent is in and out of their lives, esp. young children. Although we think and wish for a solid recovery, the reality is that there will be instability down the road, and the child will be in a much worse (my opinion of course) situation, emotionally, if he reforms a bond now and that bond is severed.

Abandonment by a parent is the worse thing that a child can experience. It is worse than the death of a parent.

Just please examine your motives. And I'm glad you have a good relationship with the little guy.

Freedom1990

I'll give you my perspective as a parent who was in rehab.

My parents did not bring my then 8 year old daughter to see me in rehab.

I'm grateful that they didn't.

I was not emotionally prepared. I was experiencing a tremendous amount of guilt and pain over what I had put that child through.

They did not bring her to me until I had been out of rehab and worked a month at a steady job.

It was still emotionally difficult even then, but I was a single parent, and it was time to start taking care of her.

Freedom1990

I also wanted to add that I needed to devote 100% of my energy in rehab to getting a solid footing in recovery. Emotional distractions were not what I needed.

I had the rest of my life to figure out parenting, being a good employee, etc. once I walked out of the safety of those doors in rehab.

islandcat

Not quite the same situation but, when my son was in rehab we took my granddaughter, his only niece, to see him. They adore each other. When he first went away we told her that her Uncle was sick and needed help, she seemed to except that quite well. We are a small and very close family, my son and daughter and granddaughter were living with me before his addiction became so bad so she was used to having him in her life a lot. It was a lovely sunny day and we all sat outside, she happily coloured and still talks about visiting her Uncle at that 'nice place'. We have always been as honest as we can with her, as an only child she is very astute and doesnt miss much. We havent said drug addiction of course, but we just say he is sick. The poor little girl has seen so much sickness in this house including herself that she takes sickness in stride. If he is doing well I dont see anything wrong with taking a child to see their parent, it is a sickness afterall. Just my opinion for what its worth.

Serenity Bound

when my daughter was in rehab, I did bring both her daughters. (the under 1 and about 6yr) the only time this was allowed was during a holiday celebration. The girls were told that mommy was in school learning to take care of herself & to be a better mommy. As it was a Thanksgiving celebration there were things for the kids to do. At the time I felt it was important for the kids to see mommy and vise versa. Whether it was or not, I really don't know. In my daughters case, (that was two years ago) it took her to really grasp her recovery to come to the realization of what she had done to her girls. That came this year.

Kindeyes

Thank you all for your feedback. I'll consider all of it carefully. There is a lot more wisdom here collectively than I possess on my own and I appreciate all of you for giving me your perspectives. It truly helps.

gentle hugs

keepinon

I would be most concerned with what kind of emotional place your son is in..I know in early recovery my daughter was not real stable and from minute to minute was all over the place. I work w/ kids..they are pretty adaptable and at 6 he would probably be just happy to see his Daddy. Is your son asking to see him?Do you feel like he's ready? Those are the questions I would ask myself. My only "advice" would be to keep it somewhat short if you do decide to take your grandson.