Need opinions please!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 139
Need opinions please!
My AS, 26, lives in same bldg as I do. Kicked him out approx 2 mos ago, after my lurking on this site for months, he got an apt downstairs. Haven't heard from him, seen him or called him for 3 days. Didn't answer when I knocked on his door, (ok, honestly? Pounded on his door.) Also hasn't responded to anyone else trying to reach him. I was pretty sure he was dead so I called the police. Nope, not dead, passed out cold. Blew .33, had a warrant so was taken to jail. I warned the jail he would detox heavily.
He has court monday am. I plan to contact adult social services and try to have him committed as a danger to himself when he is released, whenever that may be. I know he may not remain sober. My hope is that some seeds may be planted in the process that will stick with him.
I wrote this earlier, but it dissappeared into cyber space, now getting ready for work. A few more details. Has had 1 dui, was in coma from auto accident. Has been to detox once at least. Lost 2 jobs due to drinking.
His adult sisters are encouraging me to do this. I feel like it's the last chance I have of getting him any professional help, he wouldn't go on his own, or at our request. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Am I still controlling, or trying to, by doing this? He lived with me for a year up to 2 months ago, and I learned that I can't control or cure. It was not a pretty year, for either of us. My gut tells me to do this, my heart doesn't want to.
Can't get to an alanon meeting til much later in the week due to my work schedule. Looking for all opinions, and appreciate them very much. Thank you all for being here and listening. FGB (hope this doesn't post twice!)
He has court monday am. I plan to contact adult social services and try to have him committed as a danger to himself when he is released, whenever that may be. I know he may not remain sober. My hope is that some seeds may be planted in the process that will stick with him.
I wrote this earlier, but it dissappeared into cyber space, now getting ready for work. A few more details. Has had 1 dui, was in coma from auto accident. Has been to detox once at least. Lost 2 jobs due to drinking.
His adult sisters are encouraging me to do this. I feel like it's the last chance I have of getting him any professional help, he wouldn't go on his own, or at our request. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Am I still controlling, or trying to, by doing this? He lived with me for a year up to 2 months ago, and I learned that I can't control or cure. It was not a pretty year, for either of us. My gut tells me to do this, my heart doesn't want to.
Can't get to an alanon meeting til much later in the week due to my work schedule. Looking for all opinions, and appreciate them very much. Thank you all for being here and listening. FGB (hope this doesn't post twice!)
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The past is gone, and what you did most recently may help him see he needs help or may not...the thing is, it's up to him to take the next step.
If you try to save him from himself and his addiction, I think you will have a long hard road ahead, because we both know that we are powerless over anyone's addiction.
That said, I think it was a caring thing you did. Maybe now, leave the rest between him and God?
Hugs
If you try to save him from himself and his addiction, I think you will have a long hard road ahead, because we both know that we are powerless over anyone's addiction.
That said, I think it was a caring thing you did. Maybe now, leave the rest between him and God?
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
Hello,
The experiences I have with dealing with addicts are from the point of I was the child of, the sister of and now the wife of an addict. My father drank, my brother popped pills, and my husband DOC is heroin. So from the point of your daughters I can understand that they want you go with this plan. My brother on his own decided to stop taking pills one day because he had finally decided it was enough. My father on the other hand only decided to go to rehab when his job of 17 years was on the line after crashing one of there cars on the job. What I am trying to say is you never know what will be the trigger for an addict to stop. I try to think as a parent and I would most likely try it. I have read a lot of posts from the perspective of parents on this site and I am sure they will come along and post.
You and your family with be in my thoughts and prayers
The experiences I have with dealing with addicts are from the point of I was the child of, the sister of and now the wife of an addict. My father drank, my brother popped pills, and my husband DOC is heroin. So from the point of your daughters I can understand that they want you go with this plan. My brother on his own decided to stop taking pills one day because he had finally decided it was enough. My father on the other hand only decided to go to rehab when his job of 17 years was on the line after crashing one of there cars on the job. What I am trying to say is you never know what will be the trigger for an addict to stop. I try to think as a parent and I would most likely try it. I have read a lot of posts from the perspective of parents on this site and I am sure they will come along and post.
You and your family with be in my thoughts and prayers
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
FGB,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. You have read for awhile, so likely that you know it can be a terrific source of support and advice.
I agree with Ann. I think it's too harsh to say to never try and step in a help to save people. I know there are many in recovery who are grateful to those who did. With that said, though, I think you then take a big step back. It is when we keep trying, and our words fall on deaf ears, or our actions do not yield results, but we keep trying cuz we just can't see, that we become sick and our hearts heavy with anguish.
Please keep coming back here. This board helped save me.
Welcome to Sober Recovery. You have read for awhile, so likely that you know it can be a terrific source of support and advice.
I agree with Ann. I think it's too harsh to say to never try and step in a help to save people. I know there are many in recovery who are grateful to those who did. With that said, though, I think you then take a big step back. It is when we keep trying, and our words fall on deaf ears, or our actions do not yield results, but we keep trying cuz we just can't see, that we become sick and our hearts heavy with anguish.
Please keep coming back here. This board helped save me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
FGB
Welcome to SR.
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with these issues with your son. It's a tough thing for a mother.
Personally, I tried for quite a long time to cure my son's addiction through my own somewhat(!!!) interferring behavior. I did a lot to try to protect him from the consequences of his drinking and drugging. It's hard to watch someone keep destroying their lives. You've had a front row seat.
I'm glad to hear that you are looking into getting to Alanon meetings to begin the process of taking care of yourself. If I've learned nothing else, I've got it figured out that I need to take care of myself first because dealing with an alcoholic/drug addicted adult child (or spouse or parent or friend) can take us down too.
Perhaps the court will make the decisions for your son.....I will keep him in my prayers.
gentle hugs
Welcome to SR.
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with these issues with your son. It's a tough thing for a mother.
Personally, I tried for quite a long time to cure my son's addiction through my own somewhat(!!!) interferring behavior. I did a lot to try to protect him from the consequences of his drinking and drugging. It's hard to watch someone keep destroying their lives. You've had a front row seat.
I'm glad to hear that you are looking into getting to Alanon meetings to begin the process of taking care of yourself. If I've learned nothing else, I've got it figured out that I need to take care of myself first because dealing with an alcoholic/drug addicted adult child (or spouse or parent or friend) can take us down too.
Perhaps the court will make the decisions for your son.....I will keep him in my prayers.
gentle hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 139
Thanks everyone, I value your opinions and thoughts. Just got home from work, long day, but wanted to clarify a little more.
His coma/car accident and dui were a few years ago before I moved back home. When he was living with me he was working, and paid me half the rent and some of the groceries.
A little over a week ago, he became very ill, was sick for a week straight, I imagine it had to do with his drinking, or I don't know, I guess it could've been the flu. He called in sick to work, and ultimately was fired for being out too long. He was fired the day he went to the drs. office and stopped by work to check in. He had been at that job for a year, it paid minimal, but I thought it was a start to getting some self esteem back, he liked it. But then I only know what he tells me, I'm sure his drinking may have had something to do with being fired also.
When he moved out, I wrote a check for his first rent, he gave me the cash. Since then, I don't know if he's paid or not. I would venture a guess he hasn't paid. I know his dad and step mother have helped him in the past. I don't have the money, and can't afford to help with finances. His dad is probably a bigger softie than I am, and easier to get cash from. His dad will have to stop helping/enabling.
So tomorrow am is court. I'm not going, I have to work. I can't afford an attny. I'm sure he had no money when he was arrested, or took none with him, so he hasn't been able to call anyone. I'm leaving him on his own to deal with court. I will make the call to social services. Maybe his or my hp will intervene in court. I don't know. But it's the last effort I will make at helping, and it's not helping on his terms or enabling him to drink or not face consequences. I think of it as giving him another consequence and making him face it. If it doesn't work, well, then I've done all I can.
Thanks for listening. I plan to hang around here, and learn more, I'm sure I'm going to need it. I appreciate you all and hope you'll continue to share with me. FGB
His coma/car accident and dui were a few years ago before I moved back home. When he was living with me he was working, and paid me half the rent and some of the groceries.
A little over a week ago, he became very ill, was sick for a week straight, I imagine it had to do with his drinking, or I don't know, I guess it could've been the flu. He called in sick to work, and ultimately was fired for being out too long. He was fired the day he went to the drs. office and stopped by work to check in. He had been at that job for a year, it paid minimal, but I thought it was a start to getting some self esteem back, he liked it. But then I only know what he tells me, I'm sure his drinking may have had something to do with being fired also.
When he moved out, I wrote a check for his first rent, he gave me the cash. Since then, I don't know if he's paid or not. I would venture a guess he hasn't paid. I know his dad and step mother have helped him in the past. I don't have the money, and can't afford to help with finances. His dad is probably a bigger softie than I am, and easier to get cash from. His dad will have to stop helping/enabling.
So tomorrow am is court. I'm not going, I have to work. I can't afford an attny. I'm sure he had no money when he was arrested, or took none with him, so he hasn't been able to call anyone. I'm leaving him on his own to deal with court. I will make the call to social services. Maybe his or my hp will intervene in court. I don't know. But it's the last effort I will make at helping, and it's not helping on his terms or enabling him to drink or not face consequences. I think of it as giving him another consequence and making him face it. If it doesn't work, well, then I've done all I can.
Thanks for listening. I plan to hang around here, and learn more, I'm sure I'm going to need it. I appreciate you all and hope you'll continue to share with me. FGB
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I don't know what it takes to have someone committed.I suspect it takes alot or many of us would have committed our loved ones..(I know I would've). It's hard to say..hands off the addict is usually my policy, but if you think you could have him forced into treatment, it may save his life..or not.It's so hard. I had to let my daughter live on someone's floor while shooting heroin. It was awful.She has recently chosen sobriety. If I could have had her locked up I would have, but it wasn't an option. Sometimes in these situations you do what you have to do so YOU know you tried everythign..it is almost more about peace of mind. I am sorry you are going thru this and that i don't really have anything helpful to offer..just my empathy at watching a child you love slowly kill themselves
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
FGB,
Good luck, I hope things work out today for your son the way they are meant to. Remember it is not always the way we want them to go, but the way their HP directs them.
The couple times my son has been arrested I've actually jumped with joy . . . 1st I thought of it as a couple days free, all to myself, no worrying about where he was, what he was doing or if he'd show up asking me for money . . . 2nd I would call anyone I could to explain that he had a problem and needed help (never seemed to do much good - jails, courts, treatments, etc are overloaded). That's just what I did.
Good luck, I hope things work out today for your son the way they are meant to. Remember it is not always the way we want them to go, but the way their HP directs them.
The couple times my son has been arrested I've actually jumped with joy . . . 1st I thought of it as a couple days free, all to myself, no worrying about where he was, what he was doing or if he'd show up asking me for money . . . 2nd I would call anyone I could to explain that he had a problem and needed help (never seemed to do much good - jails, courts, treatments, etc are overloaded). That's just what I did.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 139
Update
My AS's case has been turned over to a social worker. In my state and county, if a person is a danger to himself, he can be committed. It is like a civil form of probation and he is answerable to the court for 6 months. Since AS has no insurance or money, county will pay for it. I was told most likely a 28 day inpatient (locked) stay with a couple monthes after at a halfway house, but is possible it could be outpatient, then I was told "hell, it could be brain surgery" I think he was trying to have a sense of humour while telling me no guarantees.
He told me earlier, that if AS was released from jail before everything was finale, that we were dead in the water, THIS time. But it could be resurrected if I found AS drunk and called the police again.
He also told me that he'd seen people go the 6 mos. sober, and the next day go right back to drinking as if they'd never quit. I said I understood that. He said whether it works or not, then at least the family knows they took their best shot. I think he "gets" it.
So while my AS is not committed yet, at least a SW was assigned before the end of the day today and notified by phone msg and email since she wasn't in the office at the time. Higher Powers seem to be working together on this (his and mine!) because AS has been held over in jail another day for a probation violation hearing at 1:30 tomorrow. I've left a msg for SW, but won't hear from her until at least tomorrow am, hopefully. I'm doing what I can on my part to make this happen, but know that it's not in my hands, and trusting my HP to help me and AS. I waited patiently for return phone calls all day, rather than calling the guy a million times, trusting the HP's to do what was necessary.
Sorry this is so long, but wanted to explain as much as I could. I also haven't (yet) called on friends who work at the jail, to ask how AS was doing, and to send the msg. that I love him. Would that be wrong?
I could go on and on with more about conversations (emails) w/oldest daughter that really pissed me off, but I'll save that for later. She figures one treatment program and he's all better. I wish! This is long enough, thanks so much for listening.
FGB
He told me earlier, that if AS was released from jail before everything was finale, that we were dead in the water, THIS time. But it could be resurrected if I found AS drunk and called the police again.
He also told me that he'd seen people go the 6 mos. sober, and the next day go right back to drinking as if they'd never quit. I said I understood that. He said whether it works or not, then at least the family knows they took their best shot. I think he "gets" it.
So while my AS is not committed yet, at least a SW was assigned before the end of the day today and notified by phone msg and email since she wasn't in the office at the time. Higher Powers seem to be working together on this (his and mine!) because AS has been held over in jail another day for a probation violation hearing at 1:30 tomorrow. I've left a msg for SW, but won't hear from her until at least tomorrow am, hopefully. I'm doing what I can on my part to make this happen, but know that it's not in my hands, and trusting my HP to help me and AS. I waited patiently for return phone calls all day, rather than calling the guy a million times, trusting the HP's to do what was necessary.
Sorry this is so long, but wanted to explain as much as I could. I also haven't (yet) called on friends who work at the jail, to ask how AS was doing, and to send the msg. that I love him. Would that be wrong?
I could go on and on with more about conversations (emails) w/oldest daughter that really pissed me off, but I'll save that for later. She figures one treatment program and he's all better. I wish! This is long enough, thanks so much for listening.
FGB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 139
Keepinon, I intend to. Thought I was doing well, or at least pretty well. I put the ball in motion, and now am just turning it over. Whatever happens, happens. Not takin care of his past due rent, not sending money so he can call me, or call and ask for more. I could easily do that, send money to jail, but am not. Can I have just a little encouragement here, that I'm doing the right thing, or doing okay? This is really hard, and I know you all know that. just could use some encouragement that I should keep on, keepinon! My heart is broken and I'm trying to do what should be best. Not feeling sorry for myself, or him, just need some encouragement. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
Posts: 1,098
Hi FGB - I am actually here on this forum to help myself. I am a few days sober and usually lurk all over this forum.
You see, I'm also a mom of a drug addict. His DOC perscription medication, mostly oxy. I have had a a rocky time with him. I understand where you are and am trying to offer you some sense of hope.
You are doing the right thing.
My son has spent the last few years in and out of the legal system.
Your story is my story as far as an addicted son goes.
This last jail time for him was in violation from his parole. While he applied
for treatment, we live in California and there just isn't enough money or treatment available. The request was denied.
He was released August 7th. He initially stayed with me. Something shifted.
I honestly don't know what changed. He started an outpatient program. He decided he couldn't go back to construction because the temptation of drugs
would be too much for him. He started a job making pizza dough at a local Pizza Place.
I was hopeful but stayed out of his way. Totally detached. He moved out to his own place. He is now an assistant manager at the Pizza place.
Believe me, I'm not holding my breath and know how new this new found recovery is. I finally got out of his way and decided to do nothing on his behalf, or as far as helping him out.
I understand that your heart is broken. I really do. Please keep doing what you are doing even if it goes against your every instinct. I don't know where my son will land, but I know that this is far better then it ever has been before.
Keep posting and reaching out.
You see, I'm also a mom of a drug addict. His DOC perscription medication, mostly oxy. I have had a a rocky time with him. I understand where you are and am trying to offer you some sense of hope.
You are doing the right thing.
My son has spent the last few years in and out of the legal system.
Your story is my story as far as an addicted son goes.
This last jail time for him was in violation from his parole. While he applied
for treatment, we live in California and there just isn't enough money or treatment available. The request was denied.
He was released August 7th. He initially stayed with me. Something shifted.
I honestly don't know what changed. He started an outpatient program. He decided he couldn't go back to construction because the temptation of drugs
would be too much for him. He started a job making pizza dough at a local Pizza Place.
I was hopeful but stayed out of his way. Totally detached. He moved out to his own place. He is now an assistant manager at the Pizza place.
Believe me, I'm not holding my breath and know how new this new found recovery is. I finally got out of his way and decided to do nothing on his behalf, or as far as helping him out.
I understand that your heart is broken. I really do. Please keep doing what you are doing even if it goes against your every instinct. I don't know where my son will land, but I know that this is far better then it ever has been before.
Keep posting and reaching out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 139
Mtnmagic, thank you so much, I can't tell you how much your words mean to me. I'm so lucky that this program is still available in MN. This is his first time in jail, and I don't know why it didn't happen before. Should have!
Thank you for sharing your story with me. It really does help.
I know my AS is going to be very very angry tomorrow, when he thinks he's getting out, and if all goes well, he won't. Yes it hurts my heart. But I know, in my head, it's for the best. I need to do what I need to do. I feel lucky he can't call me and make me feel sorry for him. Maybe after a week or two or three, I'll send some money so he can make a call or two, but no more than that. It's going to be ALL MY fault he's in jail, but I know better. I didn't start it. I just called because I thought he was dead.
Thank you so much for the encouragement. I can't tell you how much it means to me.
I hope your son does well, really I do. Thank you so much...FGB
Thank you for sharing your story with me. It really does help.
I know my AS is going to be very very angry tomorrow, when he thinks he's getting out, and if all goes well, he won't. Yes it hurts my heart. But I know, in my head, it's for the best. I need to do what I need to do. I feel lucky he can't call me and make me feel sorry for him. Maybe after a week or two or three, I'll send some money so he can make a call or two, but no more than that. It's going to be ALL MY fault he's in jail, but I know better. I didn't start it. I just called because I thought he was dead.
Thank you so much for the encouragement. I can't tell you how much it means to me.
I hope your son does well, really I do. Thank you so much...FGB
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
Posts: 1,098
FGB - You are welcome. I enabled my son for many a year. I read books
told myself to just do tough love and then of course I didn't. I did this time.
No money, no intervening...no anything. I don't know if this mattered or not to be honest with you. We are still in the process of seeing what will be.
I hated my son's anger. For good reason. He could always throw in my face that I was an alcoholic. I am. It threw me off for a long time. I hope to be a double winner someday. First I have to take care of myself. I am doing that.
I probably have no right posting on this forum. As I said, dealing with my own addiction is foremost. I just saw your post and my heart went out to you.
Stay strong and stay firm. I understand from my own alcoholism, before I really wanted recovery, I would exploit any kindness shown to me, from anyone. Friends, family, strangers...it didn't matter. I had to feed my addiction. Maybe that helps me in dealing with my own son. Hopefully this
is a blessing.
There are many on this forum that can help you so much. I don't post here often, but read every single day. It helps me. I hope to one day be strong enough to make my presence known.
Take care and I am sending positive energy your way.
told myself to just do tough love and then of course I didn't. I did this time.
No money, no intervening...no anything. I don't know if this mattered or not to be honest with you. We are still in the process of seeing what will be.
I hated my son's anger. For good reason. He could always throw in my face that I was an alcoholic. I am. It threw me off for a long time. I hope to be a double winner someday. First I have to take care of myself. I am doing that.
I probably have no right posting on this forum. As I said, dealing with my own addiction is foremost. I just saw your post and my heart went out to you.
Stay strong and stay firm. I understand from my own alcoholism, before I really wanted recovery, I would exploit any kindness shown to me, from anyone. Friends, family, strangers...it didn't matter. I had to feed my addiction. Maybe that helps me in dealing with my own son. Hopefully this
is a blessing.
There are many on this forum that can help you so much. I don't post here often, but read every single day. It helps me. I hope to one day be strong enough to make my presence known.
Take care and I am sending positive energy your way.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
fgb - i also have an AS so i certainly understand where you are - imo you are doing the right thing - he is safe and sober where he is and the more time he has to think the better - all of this is a process - as a parent i felt i needed to do all i could to give him the option of recovery (as though i could offer him something he couldn't get on his own)but for my own peace of mind i needed to know i had done all i could - now i see that as more selfish than loving (very hard to admit) - letting him feel his consequences is the best you can do - the rest will be up to him - my prayers are with you and your son -
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
FGB: Another mom of an addict here. Just wanted to encourage you that you are absolutely doing the right thing by not giving your son money or any way to contact you. He will just "exploit that kindness" in mtnmagic's words, to get you to do the addict dance with him. You might want to explore the addict dance and where us family members enter in (and learn to exit).
Glad you're here. This is a safe place for you, a place where you can get specific advice on your situation that you can find no where else except at Alanon and Naranon meetings. So many of us are watching our loved ones slowly succumb to this awful thing called addiction. And yet there are so many success stories here, too.
Glad you're here. This is a safe place for you, a place where you can get specific advice on your situation that you can find no where else except at Alanon and Naranon meetings. So many of us are watching our loved ones slowly succumb to this awful thing called addiction. And yet there are so many success stories here, too.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Hope I didn't leave you feeling unencouraged. It seems from what you said that things are in the works..so that is good news. There seem to be alot of people involved in his care now and I just wanted to encourage you to seek some support for yourself. I know how hard it is when you are in a crisis.After my 1st meeting, i felt like a boulder had been lifted from my chest. ..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 139
Just talked to the Social Worker, she had been to the jail to interview AS. She is working with Probation to NOT get him released. I have an appt. at 3p at her office to sign papers for the committment. She said he was very angry. Not surprised. Why do I feel so horrible and guilty about all this. I know it's the right thing to do.
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