Confused a little...thoughts?
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Confused a little...thoughts?
Just reading another post about how people can and can't make us feel, but didn't want to hijack anothers thread.
I read this
and then this reply
I completely agree with the reply, I believe it to be true BUT I can't help but identify with the first quote because it is my experience and my thoughts sometimes too.
I know to attract healthy people you need to be healthy yourself and I know that unhealthy people can attract other unhealthy people but I find it confusing because for me, in my experience I feel that other people can make me feel good and bad about myself.
Is this because I have low self worth? If I had high self esteem would other people treating me badly not hurt so much?
I understand that a healthy person might not accept unacceptable behaviour but it does happen, unacceptable behaviour has to happen for it not to be accepted and the unacceptable behaviour hurts.
I'm doing the boundary thing, I'm speaking up for myself more and more but if someone says something hurtful to me then it makes me feel bad.
If someone buys me flowers or compliements me, that makes me feel good, if someone lies to me or belittles me, that makes me feel bad.
So whilst I believe the second quote to be true, I believe the first to be true also...which is confusing.
Thoughts?
I read this
The pitfall is when we think that such a person can validate our self worth. They can't. No one can. That you gotta do for yourself then the rest will follow.
The pitfall is when we think that such a person can validate our self worth. They can't. No one can. That you gotta do for yourself then the rest will follow.
I know to attract healthy people you need to be healthy yourself and I know that unhealthy people can attract other unhealthy people but I find it confusing because for me, in my experience I feel that other people can make me feel good and bad about myself.
Is this because I have low self worth? If I had high self esteem would other people treating me badly not hurt so much?
I understand that a healthy person might not accept unacceptable behaviour but it does happen, unacceptable behaviour has to happen for it not to be accepted and the unacceptable behaviour hurts.
I'm doing the boundary thing, I'm speaking up for myself more and more but if someone says something hurtful to me then it makes me feel bad.
If someone buys me flowers or compliements me, that makes me feel good, if someone lies to me or belittles me, that makes me feel bad.
So whilst I believe the second quote to be true, I believe the first to be true also...which is confusing.
Thoughts?
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Join Date: May 2010
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If someone buys me flowers or compliements me, that makes me feel good, if someone lies to me or belittles me, that makes me feel bad.
Maybe the difference is in how we choose to respond to the poor treatment. When someone treats me poorly, I think twice about the type of relationship I want to have with the person. I can recognize that the toxicity of it and choose to stay away, or I can choose to keep going back for more. I can buy into their nastiness and own it, or I can be healthy and recognize that someone who hurts me isn't worth my time...or my self-respect and dignity.
Of course, healthy people can also do and say hurtful things. I do and say things to my loved ones that I regret and am not proud of...
It's usually because I'm in the middle of my own issues that I behave poorly. Still working on that...
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Sorry, the first quote should read as below, just can't edit my post now.
I just once wanted to know what it's like to be with someone who is good-looking, and successful, and knows how to make me feel wanted and attractive and good about myself.
To thine own self be true.
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I disagree with the second post which states that other people cannot validate us, that only we can do that for ourselves. I believe we do indeed have the ability to validate eachother. That is a big part of what makes us social animals. Observe a child who never had a parent to validate their fear and pain growing up and you will see a troubled child. Our best friends validate us and our feelings by their understanding and empathy when necessary.
Unhealthy people, such as addicts and alcoholics, have a hard time validating anything other than bad feelings and continued addiction and bad behavior. But they are not the only people who do not validate well. I have had BFs who were neither addicted nor alcoholic who were sicker and less validating than any alcoholic or even crack addict I had known.
For me, it really has always been how sick am I that I continue to ignore the people who can validate me and continue to seek validation from people who can never provide it? Then to scream and yell and cry and beg and plead with them, and blame and curse and point my finger and judge them when they cannot. Now, who is sicker?
Unhealthy people, such as addicts and alcoholics, have a hard time validating anything other than bad feelings and continued addiction and bad behavior. But they are not the only people who do not validate well. I have had BFs who were neither addicted nor alcoholic who were sicker and less validating than any alcoholic or even crack addict I had known.
For me, it really has always been how sick am I that I continue to ignore the people who can validate me and continue to seek validation from people who can never provide it? Then to scream and yell and cry and beg and plead with them, and blame and curse and point my finger and judge them when they cannot. Now, who is sicker?
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I just once wanted to know what it's like to be with someone who is good-looking, and successful, and knows how to make me feel wanted and attractive and good about myself.
If both people in the relationship are healthy, they will love themselves first and then have lots of love leftover to share and to make the other person feel valued, appreciated, and respected. It's okay to want and need those things from your partner as long as they're not meant to fill your own void first.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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Quote:
I just once wanted to know what it's like to be with someone who is good-looking, and successful, and knows how to make me feel wanted and attractive and good about myself.
The way to do this is by BEING good looking and successful, and by wanting yourself and feeling good about yourself. But these things don't come cheap or easy; you have to actually do the work that it takes to develop and mold and discipline yourself to be THE BEST YOU you can possibly be. The world is full of girls and women trying to feel this way by focusing on their outsides. To me, it is actually what is on the inside that matters the most.
I just once wanted to know what it's like to be with someone who is good-looking, and successful, and knows how to make me feel wanted and attractive and good about myself.
The way to do this is by BEING good looking and successful, and by wanting yourself and feeling good about yourself. But these things don't come cheap or easy; you have to actually do the work that it takes to develop and mold and discipline yourself to be THE BEST YOU you can possibly be. The world is full of girls and women trying to feel this way by focusing on their outsides. To me, it is actually what is on the inside that matters the most.
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Being wanted, acknowledged (validated) and loved by someone IS important. We all want love and acceptance. It is how we come into this world as babies. The problem is when we think that our worth DEPENDS upon someone wanting or accepting us. It doesn't. We give people way too much power if that is the case. Rejection is tough for anyone to be sure. But as some wise gal told me after I suffered a heart break "girlfriend, always hold yer t*ts high!".
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Yeah that makes a lot of sense. I actually love being alone, am quite happy with my own company but I do have problems with self esteem still. I think perhaps I'm happier alone in some respects because I don't have to confront those self esteem issues that way, I can just hide away and not have to deal with people and what they may think of me. Since I've put weight on I'm really wary about being around people, I don't want to be judged and I don't like that about myself, that I seem to seek approval from those I meet, even close family. I never used to be like that, it all came about since meeting exA and losing every bit of confidence I once had.
I'll have to bring this up with my therapist
I'll have to bring this up with my therapist
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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There are a lot of good exercises you can do at home yourself to build your self-esteem without paying a therapist. Just go to the library and get a couple books on self-esteem. They even have workbooks that have exercises in them. Alternatively, you can just google "self-esteem exercises" or something like that and I'm sure you'll get plenty. As with everything else, awareness is half the battle.
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