NEOMARXIST

I still remember my last bender vividily, or rather the profound feelings or lack of feelings that I experinced. Much of the 3 day session was spent in periods of probably 3-6 hour drink and cocaine fueled blackouts. Almost like a total blackout but not quite as the massive amounts of coke sort of create a strange scatty memory experience.

I know that I was totally out of control and just acting like a total alkie and druggy. I felt the grip of cocaine and alcohol addiction like I'd never really felt before. The intensity of the cravings were massive and the feeling of just trying to run away from life and myself were incredibly depressing. I didn't want to think about the hole I was in and what I was doing to myself. I felt like an alcoholic and an addict and it wasn't particualrly enthralling. Coming out of the blackout when the coke and booze had all been used up was so terrible. Nailing a drink lying around on the floor in a can and going out to buy more to run away some more.

I remember the comedown vividly and I didn;t move from a chair for about 24 hours. I just felt an emptyness like no other. I remember knowing that I had to go to the job centre the next day and the thought of it all was just so depressing. Signing on month after month after month.

I remeber the train journey home and I felt truly like I was beaten by alcohol. I knew i was pwerless over alcohol and drugs after I took the first one. I also knew that I was going to have to a profound psychic change to be able to live sober and not feel that terrible restlessness that i used to feel.

I had been to AA and of course spent time on SR and had a 37 day sober time beofre my medical to get my driving license back. I already had tasted recovery and after that drinking and drugging was just even more desperate and depressing.

I knew I was done drinking and that the only drink i had to never take was the first one. I knew that I had to live life 'one day at a time' otherwise I would go insane, I knew that 'just for today' I will stay sober and work on my recovery.

I got sober for no other reason than getting sober and being done with drink. I didn't do it because i didn;t like the bad consequences but somehow wanted to keep the 'good' points of alcohol. For me there were no good points left anymore, only a addictive pull that could only land me in prison, on the street or more likely dead.

Grateful to be sober and done drinking 'just for today'. I only have today so today is the day I'm done drinking for, I have seen how this works in sobriety both at AA and here on SR and in my own experience. I make no grand promises as promises never kept me sober.

Peace

shaun00

] .....

This is where we connect........as a sufferer like you i know that emptiness..that utter despair and wanting to be swallowed up for ever....i find this in other alcoholics.....AA gives me that feeling of coming home.....that feeling of belonging at last......

i have something for you to consider.....no judgement, just i see it different.

Part of that alcoholism is a mental obsession ....id string a few days together maybe....and slowly that spring would tighten in my gut.
Its much the same as the feeling you first described......it nags away at me.
I just dont fit.......life seems pointless and i become morose.
unpredictable and aggressive ...im a total pain to be around.

My wife tells me this.....".you might as well drink cos you sure act like you are"

Finally i reach a point where the only solution i have......is in a bottle.
immediately life seems to fit.......fireworks go of in my head and i have at last, found relief from my mind.

Looking back at that.......i realize i was powerless before i took a drink....the outcome of that obsession for me, was as certain as god made apples.

I arrived at AA confused and suicidal.......i must have a mental illness because i stop drinking and my mind get real busy......torment.
I feel trapped.....cornered .......i stop and its horrendous.....i drink and its horrendous.

Then i have some old guy telling me im sick......and he has a solution.
How can that be?.. cos im not drinking.....we then read about the mental obsession in the book........and a light comes on.....i see it.
My mind stays sick.......even if i stop.
powerless to resist.......before i take a drink...

NEOMARXIST

Hey Shaun. Thanks for the response. I relate to what you're saying there mate and I chose to leave after I take that first drink or drug as I wanted to keep the theme of the post related in some respects to having to accept not taking the first drink or drug to have any chance at being able to recover. I think it's easy to get bombarded as a newcomer and lose sight of the fundamental i.e- ultimately you can't take the first drink/drug to stand any chance.

Before I got sober then I was how you described. Drinking ultimately is the only solution to how terrible I would feel... However this hasn't been the case over the past 16 months as I have worked very hard on my recovery. My recovery and how I worked/work it is a very personal thing to me, largely based in AA and the 12 steps but also utilising other stuff that I felt helped, especially SR.

Thanks again for your response mate, much appreciated.

peace

MaryAnn100

Hi Neo,

I have tasted recovery too. I have seen that there if a decent life without drink, pot, pills. I tried coke twice but it just didn't do it for me so there but for the grace of god. I thought to myself, ah here, that fifty would buy a shitload of drink. Real alkie thinking. Drink was the one I was all too passionate about.

Annette

shaun00

..

Spread the word because there are millions out there......believing the lie that there is no way out.......that it aint possible to live life with contentment unless there is a bottle in it.

shout it from the roof tops.....it was one big lie.....i didnt "need" it.