weekend
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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missed call
last night i missed a call from her. i am usually up at 130, she knows that. i fell asleep early and woke up near 2 to the sound of my phone beeping thatthe battery was low- it never even rang. i missed it by like ten minutes. so of course i am filled with anxiety that since i missed two calls in a week that she thinks i am avoiding her, when all ireally want is to see her once.
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Location: Bristol TN/VA
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the thing that is real is that the only motivation in her mind is "get drugs, get high, it gives me all I need and want, other people can give me drugs or money to get drugs or things that I don't want to waste money on because my money goes for what I want above all, drugs."
I saw a very enlightening film on this, it blew my "jaded mind" but every addict in the audience totally affirmed what we cannot comprehend. I will try to find out the name of it for you.
I saw a very enlightening film on this, it blew my "jaded mind" but every addict in the audience totally affirmed what we cannot comprehend. I will try to find out the name of it for you.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Steve - sounds like a typical addicts reaching out to keep us "hanging on"
my ex husband just recently tried to do this by using emotional manipulation ~ his sister & mother were very very ill. I responded healthy compassion, but still maintained healthy boundaries - he pushed those boundaries and eventually when he didn't get what he wanted, he quit calling.
AND life goes on. Suddenly it wasn't so important to let me know about the welfare of his family.
why?
because I wasn't doing what HE wanted me to do - run to his rescue.
Just sharing my e, s, & h,
PINK HUGS,
Rita
my ex husband just recently tried to do this by using emotional manipulation ~ his sister & mother were very very ill. I responded healthy compassion, but still maintained healthy boundaries - he pushed those boundaries and eventually when he didn't get what he wanted, he quit calling.
AND life goes on. Suddenly it wasn't so important to let me know about the welfare of his family.
why?
because I wasn't doing what HE wanted me to do - run to his rescue.
Just sharing my e, s, & h,
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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thanks. it is just hard for me to believe that there is nothing real left in her. but then again, if she wanted to just reach me, she knows she could call during the day. but i also know they dontthink the same way as us. maybe she was out and thought to call or ran into someone who told her i had been asking about her. guess i am still naive. guess i still want to believe in the best of people.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by steve1840 
guess i am still naive. guess i still want to believe in the best of people.
I have just learned that I can put my trust and beliefs in people that happen to be healthy enough to give that trust and belief too.
Those that I can't trust or believe in right now are not bad people, just in a place that is not in my best interest to put myself at an emotional risk to give those feelings away right now. It's just not healthy for me.
Just another way of allow all God's Creations to walk their own path, while I take care of me too.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Yes Steve, all addicts do this. Codies do it too. She doesn't want you too close, but wants to make sure she keeps you on the side lines. It's emotional manipulation. My xah did this to me for YEARS. Always dangling the carrot in front of the horse. That's how I hung on for so long. Throwing me enough crumbs to sustain me, but never giving me what I fully needed.
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i am tryingto see it as a sign or blessing in disguise. maybe if i got the call and she asked for something i would have run out so that i could get achance to see her.
i ususally do not pray, but i am a spiritual person.
last night while looking for her i prayed and prayed. i didnt find her. but i did at least get a missed call. maybe that is something. dont know what.
i ususally do not pray, but i am a spiritual person.
last night while looking for her i prayed and prayed. i didnt find her. but i did at least get a missed call. maybe that is something. dont know what.
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callie-
i have been so torn up inside about not talking to her, or seeing her just to say i love you that i felt i was going crazy. i talked and talked to people including my therapist. he said, no one can tell you what to do. its only bee ntwo weeks since she left and you are still early in the process, do what you feel you have to do. so....i feel i need to see her, i feel i need to let her know i care about her. i dont know. having had no contact in two weeks has me worried, so i wanted to see that she is ok, or as ok as she can be. i want her to know that people still love her.
i have talked to a great woman from a prostitution recovery place, who has been helping people for 30 years. she reinforced my thought that it would not be bad to try to tell her those things before she gets too usedto 'the life'
i saw a woman in her mid to late 20s who i thought at first was my ALO. she looked so bad and was so out of it it broke my heart. i was relieved it wasnt her, but know that it can be. i know i cant change anything, but i can tell her she is loved and maybe somewhere sometime when she feels like giving up or needs just one positive thought, she'll rmember hearing that. maybe thats all a foolish dream to think that way, but it is what i feel i need to do.
i am also wondering though if a HP intevened with that phone call last night.
i have been so torn up inside about not talking to her, or seeing her just to say i love you that i felt i was going crazy. i talked and talked to people including my therapist. he said, no one can tell you what to do. its only bee ntwo weeks since she left and you are still early in the process, do what you feel you have to do. so....i feel i need to see her, i feel i need to let her know i care about her. i dont know. having had no contact in two weeks has me worried, so i wanted to see that she is ok, or as ok as she can be. i want her to know that people still love her.
i have talked to a great woman from a prostitution recovery place, who has been helping people for 30 years. she reinforced my thought that it would not be bad to try to tell her those things before she gets too usedto 'the life'
i saw a woman in her mid to late 20s who i thought at first was my ALO. she looked so bad and was so out of it it broke my heart. i was relieved it wasnt her, but know that it can be. i know i cant change anything, but i can tell her she is loved and maybe somewhere sometime when she feels like giving up or needs just one positive thought, she'll rmember hearing that. maybe thats all a foolish dream to think that way, but it is what i feel i need to do.
i am also wondering though if a HP intevened with that phone call last night.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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You've already told her that you love her. So, if you tell her again, will that satisfy this obsession to tell her? Or, in another two weeks, will you feel it necessary to track her down and tell her again? When will it be enough? How many times do you think it will take? You are on a never-ending quest to say something to her that will cause her to do what you want. Deny it all you want, but that IS what you are doing. Otherwise, you would accept that her knowing that you love her doesn't mean what you want it to mean.
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hmmm..sounds like your giving her mixed signals. thats what I did so I know.
I kept responding to him. either letters, phone calls or whatever, then I would go no contact..then contact,then no contact..all screwed up..
anyhow, yesterday I listened to 20 old voicemail messages from him, I can see what I did..I allowed him to manipulate me over and over again. no wonder nothing changed in 11 months. I have to take responsibility for that, finally I have had enough and stood my ground. and yet I feel like slipping again. is it hard? yeah its hard, hard knowing he is hurting, hard he is ill, hard knowing he now went to the extreme of having an attorney try to manipulate me. well, they think if your not going to keep helping me or ignore me, I will get angrier and retaliate. but if your nice they treat you nice too. and thats what they will do and of course we do the same!! vivious cycle..stop feeding
the addiction steve thats what your doing.
HEAD GAMES, THATS ALL THEY WANT TO DO IS PLAY IS HEAD GAMES..REMEMBER THAT SONG??
I kept responding to him. either letters, phone calls or whatever, then I would go no contact..then contact,then no contact..all screwed up..
anyhow, yesterday I listened to 20 old voicemail messages from him, I can see what I did..I allowed him to manipulate me over and over again. no wonder nothing changed in 11 months. I have to take responsibility for that, finally I have had enough and stood my ground. and yet I feel like slipping again. is it hard? yeah its hard, hard knowing he is hurting, hard he is ill, hard knowing he now went to the extreme of having an attorney try to manipulate me. well, they think if your not going to keep helping me or ignore me, I will get angrier and retaliate. but if your nice they treat you nice too. and thats what they will do and of course we do the same!! vivious cycle..stop feeding
the addiction steve thats what your doing.
HEAD GAMES, THATS ALL THEY WANT TO DO IS PLAY IS HEAD GAMES..REMEMBER THAT SONG??
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(((Steve))) - You know my story about my dad coming to find me, every few months, taking me out to lunch, and then going back home. What I don't know if I told you, is that, though yes...it felt good to know I was still loved, it also filled me with such shame, remorse, etc. that I couldn't WAIT to get back to the 'hood and get high. That's how I dealt with feelings...get numb, don't think.
They were not always lovey-dovey lunches. A couple times I hid from him because I just didn't want to deal with it...the man drove 1-1/2 to find me, and I hid. Another time, I was smoking crack in an abandoned house, my XABF literally dragged me out of the house and made me go with dad...he squealed his tires, as I was ANGRY, got pulled over by the cops, 1/2 mile later I tried to jump out of his moving truck.
Yes, I'm grateful for what he did, that he loved me enough to do it, but it took me BEING IN RECOVERY to feel that gratitude.
IMO, you can go find her, answer a call, whatever and she'll think "good, I've still got him where I want him" and she'll go get high, or she can feel remorse/shame/etc. that we addicts feel and she'll go get high. She is going to get high, no matter what.
If you can say "I love you, but I won't be a part of your life unless you get into recovery" then WALK AWAY, I understand. However, I don't think you're at that point yet...you'll want another "fix" - seeing her, talking to her, just like she will want one.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
They were not always lovey-dovey lunches. A couple times I hid from him because I just didn't want to deal with it...the man drove 1-1/2 to find me, and I hid. Another time, I was smoking crack in an abandoned house, my XABF literally dragged me out of the house and made me go with dad...he squealed his tires, as I was ANGRY, got pulled over by the cops, 1/2 mile later I tried to jump out of his moving truck.
Yes, I'm grateful for what he did, that he loved me enough to do it, but it took me BEING IN RECOVERY to feel that gratitude.
IMO, you can go find her, answer a call, whatever and she'll think "good, I've still got him where I want him" and she'll go get high, or she can feel remorse/shame/etc. that we addicts feel and she'll go get high. She is going to get high, no matter what.
If you can say "I love you, but I won't be a part of your life unless you get into recovery" then WALK AWAY, I understand. However, I don't think you're at that point yet...you'll want another "fix" - seeing her, talking to her, just like she will want one.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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tam-
i accidently missed the call. there has been no contact since she left. she tried reaching me but i missed the calls. from what i understand from the number she called from is that she was ok and just wanted to call. so a part of me thinks that maybe there is no head game involved. maybe there is a prt inside her that is still not lost.
that brings me to suki-
if that is the case, that a part of her is not lost, i dont want to give up hope.
i havent seen her since she left and before that things were weird, so i keep wanting to tell her those words because it has been a while since we spoke kind of normal. i dont deny that there may be something more attached to it that i am not even aware of. i really dont think me teeling her that will change her- i dont. but i think maybe that can give her something good to carry inside her.
i accidently missed the call. there has been no contact since she left. she tried reaching me but i missed the calls. from what i understand from the number she called from is that she was ok and just wanted to call. so a part of me thinks that maybe there is no head game involved. maybe there is a prt inside her that is still not lost.
that brings me to suki-
if that is the case, that a part of her is not lost, i dont want to give up hope.
i havent seen her since she left and before that things were weird, so i keep wanting to tell her those words because it has been a while since we spoke kind of normal. i dont deny that there may be something more attached to it that i am not even aware of. i really dont think me teeling her that will change her- i dont. but i think maybe that can give her something good to carry inside her.
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amy-
when you put it that way, i see it. i do want a fix.
do you necessarily believe that all she wants to do is to know she's got me where she wants? i mean it's only been a short while, cant she still have some true feelings left?
when you put it that way, i see it. i do want a fix.
do you necessarily believe that all she wants to do is to know she's got me where she wants? i mean it's only been a short while, cant she still have some true feelings left?
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((Steve)) - I pm'd you, but will repeat a part of it here, for others who may be struggling.
It's possible there's still a part of her that hears what you say, but not very probable. Nothing mattered to me, except getting high, and my XABF who I got high with. I could go from near-suicidal, without crack, to "oh yeah" with a loaded crack pipe
We A's, when we're using, don't know HOW to accept love, as we don't even love ourselves, and TBH, you can talk 'til you're blue in the face...she may think of it, every now and then (when she's out of H), but in all honesty, when I heard "I love you" from my dad, I pretty much took it for granted until I got in recovery. We don't hear anything, in our minds but "ya wanna get high?"
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
It's possible there's still a part of her that hears what you say, but not very probable. Nothing mattered to me, except getting high, and my XABF who I got high with. I could go from near-suicidal, without crack, to "oh yeah" with a loaded crack pipe
We A's, when we're using, don't know HOW to accept love, as we don't even love ourselves, and TBH, you can talk 'til you're blue in the face...she may think of it, every now and then (when she's out of H), but in all honesty, when I heard "I love you" from my dad, I pretty much took it for granted until I got in recovery. We don't hear anything, in our minds but "ya wanna get high?"
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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amy-
i get that. i really do. having gotten high myself and been around it all enough- i never mentioned this, but i used to tour around with the grateful dead, i know that thing in the mind about hearing ya wanna get high. this however is the first time simethinghas happend to someone so close to me and since she's only bee non the streets again for a couple weeks i think i need to try. again- i dont think i am going to say something and she'll be like- oh yeah youre right, i need to get help. nothing like that. ahving not seen her for a couple weeks or really talked much in like three, as i said, i hoped to just give her those wordsto do with what she'd like. i know there is is all that shame and guilt and no self esteem, i hope that giving her those words, when she is feeling that bad she can feel just a bit better. i have no expectation of walking off in the sunset with her, but i would do anything i can to ensure she sees another sunrise.
i get that. i really do. having gotten high myself and been around it all enough- i never mentioned this, but i used to tour around with the grateful dead, i know that thing in the mind about hearing ya wanna get high. this however is the first time simethinghas happend to someone so close to me and since she's only bee non the streets again for a couple weeks i think i need to try. again- i dont think i am going to say something and she'll be like- oh yeah youre right, i need to get help. nothing like that. ahving not seen her for a couple weeks or really talked much in like three, as i said, i hoped to just give her those wordsto do with what she'd like. i know there is is all that shame and guilt and no self esteem, i hope that giving her those words, when she is feeling that bad she can feel just a bit better. i have no expectation of walking off in the sunset with her, but i would do anything i can to ensure she sees another sunrise.
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Originally Posted by steve1840
...but i would do anything i can to ensure she sees another sunrise.
Did my EXAH care enough to call me years and years after we divorced to let me know he was in the clinical stages of AIDS, because he thought he may have passed HIV on to me during our marriage? Yes.
Did my EXAH have one shred of decency and caring during our marriage and when he was at the height of his addiction? No.
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See, ((Steve)) - there's nothing you CAN do to ensure she sees another sunrise. You're just not that powerful. You can do what you think will help, and she may still die. I gave XABF all the moral support I could (in letters, when he was in jail) and he still died.
The difference is, I didn't do any f2f stuff...I knew that seeing him was NOT what I needed. He went from "I love you, I'm going to get clean, we're going to get married and make something of our lives" to DEAD. It was his choice to keep using and it killed him.
Not all A's die, some go for years and years using, some find recovery. We're more likely to find recovery because someone says "I've had enough" and lets us hit bottom, than any "I love you's". I'm sorry that sounds harsh, but it's my experience. As the founder of SR said, you literally CAN love someone to death.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
The difference is, I didn't do any f2f stuff...I knew that seeing him was NOT what I needed. He went from "I love you, I'm going to get clean, we're going to get married and make something of our lives" to DEAD. It was his choice to keep using and it killed him.
Not all A's die, some go for years and years using, some find recovery. We're more likely to find recovery because someone says "I've had enough" and lets us hit bottom, than any "I love you's". I'm sorry that sounds harsh, but it's my experience. As the founder of SR said, you literally CAN love someone to death.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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