Freedom1990

There have been a series of events the last two days that have made me aware I need to make some decisions, and reinforce some boundaries I have been slacking on.

I have worked hard on my recovery, both in codependency, and in alcoholism/addictions.

I was originally going to cut my sponsee loose (codendent/addict/alcoholic like me), but decided to put it on hold as she has significant health issues, and had been through the mill twice on surgery that got cancelled. She finally had her thyroid removed Wednesday.

I realize she's between a rock and a hard spot financially because of her inability to work. I've had less than ideal circumstances over the years with my dad paying bills with strings attached, which is why I finally took out student loans to support myself.

So she has the ABF back at home, he's active in addictions, and even though she claims there are no 'activitities' taking place in the home, there are outside of the home on his behalf to bring in money.

He's a meth addict and a meth cook. That is entirely too close to home for me as meth was my DOC. I am not tempted, but rather my stomach lurches and I want to vomit. The insanity I once lived is going on in her home. It brings back a flood of ugly memories I do not want to relive every day.

As I suspected, Amber's ABF has pretty much moved in with her. How convenient. She paid 6 months rent up front. She signed a legal binding lease, which states she is the only tenant. I asked her about that this morning, and she said the landlord was made aware the ABF would be there a lot.

His Rottweiller had diarrhea all over her carpet this morning (he has gone back to work, even though he's far from healed from the jaw surgery). He got mad at her dog and blamed it on her.

I found out she bought another horse two weeks ago. She has no job. She's having more stocks sold out of her investments to pay bills once again.

I told her this morning I am retreating to my "mountain top", that between her situation and my sponsee's, I am leaving everyone to their messes, and I am stepping way back.

I don't want to hear a peep about what is going on in her household. It hurts my heart to see her being used, but I can't do a damned thing about it.

I'm letting my sponsee go today, end of story.

I worked hard to get away from the insanity of both of those lifestyles, and I am not willing to compromise my own recovery.

They are all on their own, period.

Impurrfect

(((DeVon))) - good for you for retreating to your "mountaintop". Though Amber and your former sponsee can't see it, right now, you're setting an awesome role model. I pray they find the way to do what you're doing.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Freedom1990

Thanks Amy.

"Thy will be done, not mine," is what my prayer is these days.

Back to the business of focusing on me and my recovery.

wicked

Thank you Freedom.
I have much to think about today.
After reading your post, I realized I have let certain things "slide" in my recovery from codependency.
telling myself, "oh, its only a couple months"
still 60 days of my serenity.
you are doing so great. really cool. daughters! pffffft! they stink sometimes!

Still Waters

Wow. I totally agree it's time to step back and leave them to their own devices.

Freedom1990

Hey that sliding thing can happen pretty insidiously, can't it?!

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been any easier having sons, but oh well.

I've got a program to keep me semi-sane!

Still Waters

Speaking of boundaries and keeping on track, something that has been in my head lately:

When I don't speak up for myself, I'm a doormat and a volunteer.

When I do speak up for myself, I'm a pain in the a$$ and just unreasonable.

This is in reference to my current living situation with my Mom's douchebag of a boyfriend.

Freedom1990

It works that way for me too. I don't care what others think.

:ghug3


PS. Perhaps your mom's BF and Amber's ABF could exchange notes on how to be a swirling cesspool of wasted human flesh?

Still Waters

Yeah, I don't really care what others think either...I guess I just get tired of catching crap regardless of which direction I go.

The next milestone will be how to tactfully inform Mom that the douche isn't welcome in my home.

Maybe a sign? "No Douchebags Allowed!". lol

ItsmeAlice

Congrats D on stepping back and retreating to your mountain top!!

I learn from you every day

I forget sometimes and end up paddling out too often into the drama filled waters. When the current gets too rough and I'm tossed about by self-absorbed, toxic, addicted people, I grab my lifeline and return to solid ground. It may not be the popular decision amongst those toxic folks, but it's not for them, is it? It's for our sanity and our very lives that we step away.

"No Douchebags Allowed!"

That would be a nice one stitched into a sampler don't you think? LOL!

Sometimes I feel I need to be obvious with people. They just don't get that my time and patience is not for the taking.

Alice

Freedom1990

I definitely need to be more obvious!

I tend to forget I am dealing with dysfunctional people.

Kindeyes

Protect your recovery above all else.

gentle hugs

PS - Sons are no easier.

Hollyanne

I can't concentrate with all your and Impurrfect's cats and dogs all over the place!
You are doing the right thing and don't even worry about them all. If you disappeared in the night, they would all manage fine.
Have a peaceful weekend.

Chino

That literally happened with my daughter recently, and I fought back tears then, just like I am now. I saw her pain and horror at old memories and I'm sad you had to briefly relive it, too.

God bless you DeVon and I'm glad you're taking care of you.

Freedom1990

Thank you so much, Chino. It has been painful. I don't ever want to forget where I came from, but this was dredging up some really painful stuff day after day.

Last night I went to a meeting, and before I left the house, I was praying there would be someone there I could talk to one-on-one before the meeting about all of this stuff going on.

When I walked in, one of our core members, who never attends on Fridays (he also attends a meeting in another town twice a week, so he does the Wed and Sun meetings here) was there.

So we went out in the hallway to talk, and I found he had a sponsee he had to cut loose too. The guy has been in and out of AA for over 20 years now, and has never admitted his problem with pain meds. Long story short, that sponsee is sitting in jail where he moved to, as a direct result of his addiction.

I felt so much better after our talk, and the meeting was great. I took away a lot of good stuff from it.

I feel pretty good this morning. The coffee is made (I slept late), the sun is shining, and I hope to have a productive day with school work.

naive

thanks for the reminder, freedom.

as a co-dependent, sometimes i find myself slipping. normally, it is a signal for me i find myself rushing, which, for me, means that i've let other people make demands of me and now i don't have enough time to meet my own needs/obligations.

when i rushing, i stop and remember all my therapy work to say no, to take care of myself.

and, your right, it does just sneak up on me.

good for you for stepping back.

naive

CatsPajamas

Nope