cherrie1

I will try to keep this as short as possible. A while ago I told you all about my son who stole jewelry from my sister-in-law and then we found out he stole money from my other brother-in-law. They are my husbands brother and sister. Well he did go to them and tell them how sorry he was and he is saving to pay my brother-in-law back. He has not made a payment yet because I told him to save and make it in larger amounts and he just started a new job so he has not gotten paid yet. We go to my brother-in-law's every Thanksgiving with the whole family which is huge. I told my husband we should not go this year because I did not want anyone uncomfortable. My husband was not happy with that idea but did not say anything. He is hurt and annoyed that this happened, not to mention embarrassed. It is our second son with an addiction. On Halloween I told my SIL and BIL (the one he stole money from) to stop by with the kids so we could see them because they were going to my other SIL's (the one he stole jewelry from). They did not stop so I emailed her on Monday and said I was sorry they didn't stop I had something for the kids. She emailed back that they did not stop b/c they are upset with what happened and not ready to just forgive and forget. She said we love you and are not taking it out on you and my husband and I are welcome on Thanksgiving. In other words my sons aren't. So naturally that settles it. I understand if it is too soon to have my son there and we already figured that but hearing it hurt. We have all of them here Christmas morning and my son who has not been home in 2 years will be here (he does not know about the drama) and now we are afraid no one will come. If my BIL and SIL don't come the rest of the family will follow suit. I think it is more his wife that will hold a grudge she is very bitter. They have small children and do not understand addiction. I am going to talk to my SIL that he stole the jewelry from and ask her if they will still come for her brother. She does not have to sit and chat with my son but it would really hurt my husband and make him even more mad at my son if they won't be here. Any thoughts with how I should handle this. I just have this huge knot in my chest.

Kindeyes

Cherrie
What a difficult situation. I can feel the pain through your words. I'm not sure what I would do if I were in your shoes. We can't change other people. We can't make them understand addiction. All we can really do is adapt to the changes we encounter in life with grace. Perhaps having Thanksgiving with your immediate family this year would be healing for everyone. And giving thanks that you are all alive and able to share the special day together.

I wish you weren't having to deal with this. But perhaps you can think of a way to take this "situational lemon" and turn it into lemonade.

gentle hugs

Chino

My parents divorced when I was 16 and all our holiday gatherings changed forever. Then I met my husband and everything changed again. Then family members started dying.... then we moved 600 miles away and everything changed again, continues to change.

We, my small family, do whatever we want each holiday but together as a family. We talk about it ahead of time. Last year we had dinner on Christmas Eve for the first time, and I made pancakes with fresh blueberries on Christmas morning. Then we went to a football game and had another dinner - very elaborate with 50 fellow fans - when we tailgated. We even had a mini LED tree and it was all soooo fun and festive!

Whatever you and your family decide to do with this opportunity, I hope it's all about love

Spiritual Seeker

Pick up the phone and honestly talk it out.

Nerdgirl

Hi Cherrie,

Thanks for sharing. Your story seems to be the flip side of mine. My BIL and SIL are active in heroin addiction. We (me, DH & kids) have been NC for months - out of safety concerns. We have small children too. Thanksgiving and Christmas plans for us are wreckage right now. We won't (not even for the holidays) put our heads back in the sand and pretend everything is normal. It's not normal, it's not ok, and when there is positive change we will revisit our position.

It sounds like you're saying that SIL will hold a grudge. She's not the one that stole, she was the victim of theft and no repayment has been made - and she probably sees or believes that nothing has changed. How would that make you feel? She has small children to protect, wouldn't you behave like a mama grizzly if you perceived a threat? Please just try to put yourself in her shoes. By all means talk with her, but try to understand where she's coming from.

Be well.

sojourner

Are your addicted sons over the age of 18? I am asking this because if they are, it makes sense for you and your husband to accept the invitation for Thanksgiving while the addicted sons make their own holiday plans. Talk to cheap, and until the sons pay back in full what they have done, this is still (and should be) considered a theft.

I am encouraging you to not make this a triangle where you are in the middle of something that happened between your son(s) and other people.

I am also encouraging you to put yourself in the shoes of the people who were stolen from. They allowed someone into their life who turned out to be a thief, and they are taking steps to make sure they do not allow that to happen to them again. They are also protecting their children from that. There's a saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

You sense that your husband is troubled by all this. Can you sit down with him and let him express his feelings with you without you defending your sons? He has been put in a terrible situation here between his own siblings, the behavior of his own flesh-and-blood, and you. If he feels he does not want to miss Thanksgiving with his family of origin (even if it means without the 2 addict sons) then by all means stand by your man, go with him, and be a gracious and warm guest never mentioning the addict drama. That would be a great way to show your sons that your life goes on in spite of their bad decisions (detachment).

Hope that helps. Take what you need and leave the rest.

cece1960

JMO...but I have a little trouble with this. Not so much in the clean your own mess side of things, but in the fact that moms feelings seem to get swept under the rug. ( yeah, and I admit the phrase "stand by your man" makes me bristle a bit lol)
Your feelings are important too Cherie, just as important as your sons, the hubby and the inlaws. None of this is your doing, or your fault. You did not place hubby in between his family of origin and his sons, the inlaws and your sons did. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but its the collateral damage addiction brings.
Given your options, what would you like to do for the holidays?

Hollyanne

Just thought I would chime in here as I kind of understand how you feel. You sound a little like the peacemaker. You want everyone to get along and have a nice holiday season.
Unfortunately your son has put a spanner in the works. Is he also your husband's son? You say "my".
Like others have posted, I feel you must put yourself in the BIL/SIL's situation.
So far, no payments have been made. Also, what jewelry was taken? Might have been very special. Where is it? Can it be traced and bought back?
The 2 families that were stolen from have been talking and have probably discussed this whole thing. They may have fueled each other's anger/hurt.
Small children? Red flag. They want a nice stress-free holiday without all the hurt and distrust. That is their right and the right of the smallies.
How do you feel? Hurt, hurt, hurt! These are YOUR boys, YOUR babies and you want to protect them. I would just leave it for this holiday and let everything fall where it may. Maybe you could pay back the money and have your son pay you. this might make you feel more comfortable. I understand your husband being upset but he can swing by and spend time with his sibs if he wants to and that is his right. The 2 boys need to absolutely understand 100% how much pain and awkwardness they have created. If you could just let them know that they cannot do this and be all lovey-dovey. Maybe let your son know that instead of a gift this Christmas, you will be making right what HE did.
Once again, I am very sorry about all this. Just yesterday, I was all bothered about my brother not visiting our elderly relative who lived with us all our lives, in the nursing home.(lively, nice man) I decided to mind my own business and lo and behold, brother texts and says he is on his way to visit old man and had a great visit. Sometimes it is better to just stick to our own side of things. Unless you can understand everybody's feelings and thoughts perfectly, you are better not getting involved. Also, it is your husband's family not yours, so you must be extra thoughtful.
Sorry for the rant but this helped me too so thanks and I will be following the responses and your thoughts.
BTW, Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Christmas. Keep it simple.

JMFburns

IMHO, I think repayment should start immediately in whatever increments are possible, $5 here, $5 there, etc. It seems to show attempt and willingness on his part that he really does mean to "pay it back".

keepinon

I have been on both sides of this coin.My SIL was was an addict who was rude, wasted, mean and nasty on holidays..I put up with it until I saw how hurt and confused my kids were. It is very hard to be around someone who has harmed you AND put the kids in that situation. On the flip side I now have a daughter in VERY early recovery and know the hurt her actions have brought my family.I have to agree with the thought of "collateral damage". I know how much resentment I have towards my own daughter..others will not forgive as quickly regardless what they know about addiction.They have their own families and boundaries to hold. I know it is not what you want to hear, but this year doesn't sound like it's going to workmout with the extended family.Maybe time will heal old wounds..maybe not.My husband hasn't spoken to his sister in 15 years. you cannot control other people OR make them out to be the bad guys for not accepting unacceptable behavior.This is what addiction does..hopefully your son will see the damage he has caused and use that to help keep him sober.

cherrie1

Thanks for all your thoughts. I do totally understand how they feel and that is why I already told my husband that we will spend it with my family. I would be uncomfortable being there. Anyway we have been with his family on Thanksgiving for the last 10 years. I know I did nothing wrong but it is my son and I am embarrassed. What hurt me was she would not stop here for a few minutes on her way to somewhere else on Halloween. She said they did not want to run into my son. I think if they came he would gladly run the other way he is very upset and ashamed by what he did. I told her well I can't help but feel you are taking it out on us. I would gladly pay him back but my BIL told him he did not want our money he wants my son so pay it back no matter how long it takes. He is going to make his first payment (I may help him out and let him pay me back to get it over with, but they won't know that) this week he just started a new job. My son is by no means a physical threat to anyone he is kind and great with the kids and they know that. I am the peacemaker, always have been. And whether I want to or not I am in the middle. I love my husbands family and I love my son so I am going to be hurt if they refuse to come to our house on Christmas. There are so many people in the family it would be easy to come and not really bother with him. He feels awful too and worse thinking he might have ruined Christmas for everyone. My older son is flying in from CA for the first time in two years. It may be too soon but if she really hopes the family can get beyond this she needs to give a little. And yes, my boys are both my husbands and mine I guess I just feel like I handle most of this alone and refer to them as mine when I am talking to others, I never really noticed. My husband does not talk much about this and I avoid it because it just makes him mad. His way of dealing is not dealing.

Hollyanne

My therapist said my sister was a "collector of injustices".
She never forgets and brings up things from decades ago!
I would quietly speed along the process of paying for your sake.
Laughing at "YOUR" children as I have a friend who just calls her children hers alone also. "He can think they are his"
Leave them all off. It is OK for your son to feel bad. Do not minimize it. He needs to learn. He knows you love him. A lot of fathers are like that. My BIL sent the Santa and child photo with the wrong child! (not their child, and wrong sex)

Freedom1990

My brother's peacemaker role in the family has made him old before his time.

He had a heart attack at age 40.

At the rate he's going, he's likely to have another and not survive.

Chino

I may not have a choice when I get shoved in the middle, but it is my choice how long I stay there unless I'm being physically restrained.

Your SIL chose to stay out of the middle when she didn't stop by your house. Whether she's going about it the right or wrong way, she IS maintaining her boundaries and not putting herself in a compromising position.

What are your boundaries with family members and how do you protect/enforce them?

keepinon

I would really think about the message I was sending my son if I paid the debt to smooth things over quickly.