Hi I'm Sara....REALLY BAD WEEK

Old 11-04-2010, 06:11 PM
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Hi I'm Sara....REALLY BAD WEEK

hi everyone. I have never posted on a site like this before....I'm really lost....Maybe it will help to vent

Well a couple of weeks ago my husband was at the strip club...Not the end of the world..We talked and he said he wouldn't go there anymore. Last Friday he told me he was going to pick up his cousin...Well later that evening I got a call from a friend of mine that said his car was at the strip club....I didn't believe it...so I drove up and his car was hidden between some buildings. So, I went back home...in shock...I didn't say much about it..The kids were around. Last night he disappeared and I didn't go check, but I'm sure that's were he was....He didn't get up for work this morning. I didn't intervene...Not my responsibility to get him up on time...

Before we were together he used to hang out there and do cocaine. So, I pretty much know what's going on...The thing is...We were getting along great. I didn't see it coming...He lied and hid his car....So unlike him....

As for me...I'm a total mess. I can't stop crying. I feel destroyed right now. I'm mad sad...hurt...He refuses to talk to me about any of this. Aren't adults supposed to discuss their problems and fix them somehow...He is cold and won't help me deal with this. It's obvious I'm upset...He just goes on with his life like I don't exist....Someone slap some sanity into me...

To make it even worse...I quit my job a month ago...I'm going back to school in January...Thought I'd take a couple of months off...Now I feel stuck too....ugh....
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Old 11-04-2010, 06:21 PM
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Hi Sara, nice to meet you, just wish it was under better circumstances.

Yes, you are right, adults are supposed to talk issues out, however, addicts are not adults. Their emotional IQ comes to halt when they start to use. After that they just grow taller and older in numeric age, that's it.

Cocaine and sexual perversion, for most, go hand in hand.

No, he does not want to admit anything to you, he will avoid and ignore everything that he can get away with, it is the nature of the bird.

Please read the stickys, have you checked out meeting for you?

Keep posting, we are here for you.
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Old 11-04-2010, 07:03 PM
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I don't know much about drugs...I have been reading the stickies..I didn't know of the cocaine and sexual perversion ...Yuck...My first stop should be my doctor to get tested for stds.......I've told my parents what's going on..They live only a couple of miles away.....I will get another job very shortly too....The one I quit wasn't the best paying that I could find...so maybe it's a good thing that I left that one....

I need to get myself pulled together....
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Old 11-04-2010, 07:07 PM
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good for you for making plans according to what is rather than what you *wish* they were.
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Old 11-04-2010, 07:18 PM
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Hi Sara. Welcome. Don't stress ok. Just focus on doing the wise thing when it comes to you and the kids. Your husband will have to work this out himself. You did not cause his problem. You can't fix it for him. And it's NOT YOUR FAULT. He's just doing what an addict does. It's no reflection on you. You have no control over his choices.

The idea of stashing some money away is a very good idea. Strip clubs and cocaine are very expensive and he can blow through all your/his cash VERY fast. Open up your own saving account without his name on it and start stashing money there. Also, you may want to check your credit card balances....

Keep reading and posting. You'll figure out what to do. This will work out ok. I know it seems horrible right now. But you and your children will be ok.
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Old 11-04-2010, 07:21 PM
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I couldn't agree more, get yourself tested.
You have a support system, this is good! Lean on them, it will help.
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Old 11-04-2010, 07:34 PM
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I have never shared a banking account with anyone.....So..If I find another job quickly it should be okay.....He pays all the utilities and mortgage....Until he loses his job and runs out of money.....That's a little too overwhelming to think about right now...I only have one credit card....I will stash it somewhere....Those are things I wouldn't have thought of...

I've been reading, and I guess I was searching for something to say to him to make him come to his senses, but do I really want that? Drugs are one thing,but the strippers....well...that just adds a disgusting factor to the mix.....

My head is spinning right now....He's in there asleep....I want to go bonk him with something...I'm not going to.....It's just a nice thought...
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Old 11-04-2010, 08:52 PM
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Sara
Welcome to SR....I'm glad you found us but at the same time, I'm sorry that you're dealing with these troubles with your husband.

This must be very painful for you right now but you are thinking clearly through the chaos that your husband's behavior is creating.

Stick around. Lean on all of us here. There are so many people who have dealt with an addicted spouse here who can give you support. Just take things one day at a time.

gentle hugs
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Old 11-04-2010, 09:43 PM
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Thanks for the confidence, but I don't feel like I'm dealing with this well at all....I'm a mess....I hide it from the kids, but that's the best I have right now....I fee like an idiot....How on earth could I be so stupid? I should have known better...Jekyl and Hyde is who I am living with at the moment....
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Old 11-04-2010, 10:19 PM
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Sara.....you're dealing with some very difficult things right now....please....be gentle with yourself. You are not an idiot...you are not stupid. You are a human being who cannot control the actions or thoughts or problems of another.......it's just not possible. You can help yourself.....and you are taking some steps to begin helping yourself by coming here.

One of the things we talk about around here a lot is taking care of ourselves. Particularly as mothers, we tend to take care of the children, take care of our husband and we come last. This is really not healthy.

Breathe......and begin taking care of you so that you can be strong and think clearly. You'll be ok.

gentle hugs
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Old 11-05-2010, 05:06 AM
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Hi Sara, I'm so sorry your feeling so sad, mad, hurt and confused right now. The above posters are right. You have a plan~ stick to it and put one foot in front of the other. Once you realize his problem is really a sickness that you won't live with you will rally to get you and your children safe and away from this. Darn life~~~can really slap it to us at times. I'm also glad you have told your parents and have their support. Big hugs hon. Step away and take care of yourself.......Bonnie
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Old 11-05-2010, 05:44 AM
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Hi Sara,

I felt the same way at first, I was an idiot, how stupid, how could I miss this. This is not on us in any way and we should never feel responsible for it. Though it does seem to be the first set of feelings and emotions that hit us. I think I may have had a total breakdown if I had not found this site. I have learned so much about addiction and co-dependency since then. I think you will find we all have similar stories.

I am hoping you will take care of yourself. Nothing makes children happier than seeing their mom happy and healthy. I am actually doing that for myself now and I feel really good about myself and I am getting happier every day.
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Old 11-05-2010, 09:07 AM
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Hi Sara...I really hope you can a) leave this man to begin rebuilding your life, and b) get some counselling/support. I wanted to respond to your post because I've also been with someone who abused/sold cocaine, and...I was a stripper to support him, myself and his son. There's a real addiction factor where strip clubs are concerned...Just like drugs, there's excitement, the illusion that ALL the dancers are sexually available and interested, the attraction to the "forbidden"...the music, the dim lights, the booze, the naked girls, every kind of drug available...It's so easy to get sucked into that world. I despised it. And I worked in it for 2 years of my life.

I would highly recommend getting a small safety deposit box at the bank to put your valuable documents (birth and marriage certificates, credit cards you don't want him to have, small valuables). Put it in your name only and PLEASE don't give him the key (I know it's obvious, but I was stupid enough to give my X the key and he stole everything in there, leaving me with wads of blank paper).

And yes, get tested. I'm glad I did.

You deserve better than what this relationship is giving you. Your children deserve a healthy, happy and fulfilled mother.

I hope you keep posting and reading. SR is always open.
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