Suicidal or just manipulation?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 47
Suicidal or just manipulation?
I was trying to have a conversation with my ABF last night but it seems impossible lately. He is out of town for work and doesn't have his own car so I don't know if he has access to alcohol. Anyways, he gets so agitated anymore when we talk. Everything I say he takes as starting an argument. Last night it ended with him yelling at me, telling me how he can't take it anymore and that he should just put a gun to his head. Then he hung up on me.
I don't even know what to think. He doesn't own a gun so I don't think he meant it but should I be concerned? Is he depressed? Should I tell his family? Or is he just trying to make me feel bad (once again)? I haven't heard from him since. (They were supposed to be finishing the job and driving back today or tomorrow.)
I don't even know what to think. He doesn't own a gun so I don't think he meant it but should I be concerned? Is he depressed? Should I tell his family? Or is he just trying to make me feel bad (once again)? I haven't heard from him since. (They were supposed to be finishing the job and driving back today or tomorrow.)
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,896
No one can know his motivations except him. People say things like that all the time when they get angry. Usually, it's just a ploy to scare or manipulate someone. If he truly wants to kill himself, he'll do it. Experience has taught me that if someone threatens suicide, call 911 and let the professionals handle it. If they were serious, their life might be saved. If they were just trying to manipulate, the hassle and embarrassment will most probably be enough to keep them from trying that crap again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 47
Update: I texted him and asked if he was ok and should I call his family and this is the response I got:
"call them - do it, call them scaredy cat"
So then I texted "I thought you were going to hurt yourself" and he texted back
"get real"
I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I think that is so cruel to make someone fear for your safety and then act like it's a joke. Things have gotten so bad with him that when we do talk nothing seems to make sense. I don't know if this is part of his disease getting worse or what but it's like he is this completely different person.
"call them - do it, call them scaredy cat"
So then I texted "I thought you were going to hurt yourself" and he texted back
"get real"
I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I think that is so cruel to make someone fear for your safety and then act like it's a joke. Things have gotten so bad with him that when we do talk nothing seems to make sense. I don't know if this is part of his disease getting worse or what but it's like he is this completely different person.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Star,
Why is this mother's mope still referred to as your Boyfriend?
You are a nice caring lovely person. Please just move on and forget him.
Read over all of your posts and imagine your absolute best girlfriend wrote them. What would you think then?
Why is this mother's mope still referred to as your Boyfriend?
You are a nice caring lovely person. Please just move on and forget him.
Read over all of your posts and imagine your absolute best girlfriend wrote them. What would you think then?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Sounds like he is in a pretty bad space right now and taking it out on you. This is when reinforcing your boundaries is key. I wouldn't talk to my ABF if he snapped at me. I'd stay away from him until he worked through his emotional/drinking stuff.
It was cruel to threaten to hurt himself. I'd worry more about someone hurting themselves if they were very despondent or isolating themselves. The fact that your abf is at least getting to work (that you know of) means he is around people some of the time. He still could do something on impulse but that could happen regardless of if he is near you or not. If you really think he is a risk, then yeah, call others or 911 if you have to.
Still, very unkind of him to treat you like this
It was cruel to threaten to hurt himself. I'd worry more about someone hurting themselves if they were very despondent or isolating themselves. The fact that your abf is at least getting to work (that you know of) means he is around people some of the time. He still could do something on impulse but that could happen regardless of if he is near you or not. If you really think he is a risk, then yeah, call others or 911 if you have to.
Still, very unkind of him to treat you like this
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Hi Starlynn.,
I don't know the back round between you and your abf. Hard to say what he is up to. Most importantly what are you up to? Why are you putting up with this kind of behavior and letting him talk to you like he is? Why do you need this nonsense in your life? Is this the way you want to spend your life? It only gets worse. Never better. Once you let him abuse you like this your giving him the green light to continue.
I don't mean to be harsh, but I'm sure you don't need to be treated this way.I don't care if he's an Alcoholic or not. If he needs help, he's the only one who can get it. Perhaps you should look into some counseling for yourself. Stop trying to figure him out. You'll never understand someone who is in the throes of Alcoholism. He doesn't understand himself.
Take care of you and maybe find out why your allowing him to disrespect you like this.
All My Best To You! :ghug3
I don't know the back round between you and your abf. Hard to say what he is up to. Most importantly what are you up to? Why are you putting up with this kind of behavior and letting him talk to you like he is? Why do you need this nonsense in your life? Is this the way you want to spend your life? It only gets worse. Never better. Once you let him abuse you like this your giving him the green light to continue.
I don't mean to be harsh, but I'm sure you don't need to be treated this way.I don't care if he's an Alcoholic or not. If he needs help, he's the only one who can get it. Perhaps you should look into some counseling for yourself. Stop trying to figure him out. You'll never understand someone who is in the throes of Alcoholism. He doesn't understand himself.
Take care of you and maybe find out why your allowing him to disrespect you like this.
All My Best To You! :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
MAybe he was feeling so angry and uptight because, as you said he doesn't have a vehicle of his own, and maybe he is NOT getting the alcohol he needs.
That could be a reason for an addict to be super edgy, lashing out.
If my A ever got stranded without his drug, he would become absolutely incorrigible. Ultimately, he would call someone, anyone, even someone he did not like, man or woman to fix him up with some booze, somehow.
These folks are right. If you are being treated badly like this more and more often, and it is not an isolated event, then, yes, his disease is getting worse. It will continue to get worse, and his treatment of you will, too.
Start thinking about your options for separating from him. Even if you tell yourself and him that it is a temporary thing. When you are away from all the bull sh** for a short while, you will remember what it was like when all you had to contend with on a bad day was your own stuff.
Its hard, but, he sounds like he is not aware and not on the path even toward recovery. Mine used to threaten suicide. WHen I would call his brother, not only would the A go ballistic that I was "airing dirty laundry", but the brother would say I am saddling him with our relationship issues.
Im sorry. I hope you two dont have children.
That could be a reason for an addict to be super edgy, lashing out.
If my A ever got stranded without his drug, he would become absolutely incorrigible. Ultimately, he would call someone, anyone, even someone he did not like, man or woman to fix him up with some booze, somehow.
These folks are right. If you are being treated badly like this more and more often, and it is not an isolated event, then, yes, his disease is getting worse. It will continue to get worse, and his treatment of you will, too.
Start thinking about your options for separating from him. Even if you tell yourself and him that it is a temporary thing. When you are away from all the bull sh** for a short while, you will remember what it was like when all you had to contend with on a bad day was your own stuff.
Its hard, but, he sounds like he is not aware and not on the path even toward recovery. Mine used to threaten suicide. WHen I would call his brother, not only would the A go ballistic that I was "airing dirty laundry", but the brother would say I am saddling him with our relationship issues.
Im sorry. I hope you two dont have children.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
There is lots to think about with boundaries for yourself and what kind of relationship you want but to address the immediate question.
I told my (now xah) that if he threatened suicide I'd call 911 within 5 seconds. He knew what would happen because he worked at the mental health hospital. He didn't do it - not even once. He was very manipulative so I think he'd have done it had I not stated that up front. It was one of the few things he believed but I really meant it so maybe that showed.
Reading your follow up post he sounds very cruel and calculated. I'd tell him this up front and if there is another suicide threat, hang up and call 911. There is no way to win with a suicide threat because if it is real - you need to get help fast. You are not equipped to handle it over the phone or even face to face. If it is not real - well then he'll learn not to make manipulative threats but you don't need to figure it out. Just do the next right thing. I would not call family because they are no more equipped to deal with it then you are.
I'd also suggest that once the circular discussions start - to walk away or get off the phone. They leave us exhausted, confused, angry, sad, worried. Nothing good comes of them. Nothing. It is an endless loop of misery.
I told my (now xah) that if he threatened suicide I'd call 911 within 5 seconds. He knew what would happen because he worked at the mental health hospital. He didn't do it - not even once. He was very manipulative so I think he'd have done it had I not stated that up front. It was one of the few things he believed but I really meant it so maybe that showed.
Reading your follow up post he sounds very cruel and calculated. I'd tell him this up front and if there is another suicide threat, hang up and call 911. There is no way to win with a suicide threat because if it is real - you need to get help fast. You are not equipped to handle it over the phone or even face to face. If it is not real - well then he'll learn not to make manipulative threats but you don't need to figure it out. Just do the next right thing. I would not call family because they are no more equipped to deal with it then you are.
I'd also suggest that once the circular discussions start - to walk away or get off the phone. They leave us exhausted, confused, angry, sad, worried. Nothing good comes of them. Nothing. It is an endless loop of misery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
If there is a next time for this kind of b.s., CALL 911 and let them deal with him.
a) if he's serious, then you're not equipped to handle this.
b) if he isn't serious, he'll think twice about falsely threatening to off himself because he'll have to deal with the embarassment of explaining to the emergency team that he was "just kidding" (again).
a) if he's serious, then you're not equipped to handle this.
b) if he isn't serious, he'll think twice about falsely threatening to off himself because he'll have to deal with the embarassment of explaining to the emergency team that he was "just kidding" (again).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
Originally Posted by Thumper 
I told my (now xah) that if he threatened suicide I'd call 911 within 5 seconds. He knew what would happen because he worked at the mental health hospital. He didn't do it - not even once. He was very manipulative so I think he'd have done it had I not stated that up front. It was one of the few things he believed but I really meant it so maybe that showed.
One night, while we were lying in bed (and I was trying to go to sleep), he mumbled something about if I left him, he might as well just kill himself.
I rolled over, looked him square in the eye and called him on it. As in, don't you dare threaten me with that bull.
I rolled over and ignored him. He never mentioned it again.
Perhaps it was the one visit to detox which happened to be in conjunction with a psych ward. Perhaps it's that I'm a physician and could psychiatrically commit him pretty easily. Perhaps it's that I see lots of people threaten in my own practice, and the completers rarely threaten - they just do it. I do see occasional significant attempts - many of them are similar in that they didn't threaten in the "if you don't ____, I'm going to hurt myself" way.
Anyway, he never mentioned it again.
If in doubt, call 911 and they'll haul him in. Then someone else decides whether he's actually a threat to himself, and maybe he learns not to pull that stunt again. (I apologize in advance if there are any suicide survivors here. It's a serious thing, and terrible when it happens. But I see mostly attention-seekers, and deal with them on a near-daily basis, so I'm more than a little jaded).
I agree with the above poster - read your posts as if you sister or best girlfriend wrote them. And think about what you are getting out of this relationship... 'cause it doesn't sound like very much.
Good luck
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Always take suicide threats seriously
From personal experience I've come to believe that all suicide threats should be taken seriously. Make it a big deal in a caring and supportive way. If its a bluff/ negative attention seeking/ drama queen thing it will stop after you refer them to a professional, have other friends/family confront them etc. If its real they will have the opportunity to constructively deal with the situation. I can not stress professional help/ referral enough. My GFs son blew up approx ever month or so... The outbursts involved verbal abuse, deatruction of property and or suicidal threats. My gut told me the suicidal threats were bs manipulation/ negative attention seeking. My head made me take it seriously. After two months of therapy we have a diagnosis of oppositional-defiance disorder, no destruction of property nor suicidal talk, an genuine awareness on his part of the problem, and only 1 verbal outburst. Concrete boundaries from loved ones combined with a quality therapist makes a real differenc (at least in my situation). Know that you can do only so much on your end and the the loved one who is acting out needs to take some initiative for it to work. You cam lead a horse to water...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
If there is a next time for this kind of b.s., CALL 911 and let them deal with him.
a) if he's serious, then you're not equipped to handle this.
b) if he isn't serious, he'll think twice about falsely threatening to off himself because he'll have to deal with the embarassment of explaining to the emergency team that he was "just kidding" (again).
a) if he's serious, then you're not equipped to handle this.
b) if he isn't serious, he'll think twice about falsely threatening to off himself because he'll have to deal with the embarassment of explaining to the emergency team that he was "just kidding" (again).
My AS has threatened suicide a number of times. My reaction to it in the past has been very predictable. It unglued me. In the last year or two I have called the police on him twice (had them go through my house when I wasn't home one time because he had called from house with the threat). I thought they were going to find him there dead. They didn't. He had left by the time they got there.
Most recently when he threatened via text message, I didn't know where he was. I couldn't dispatch the police so I just texted him back "My love for you is eternal. I will love you always. Mom" It tore me up.
It's very hard to say what motivates a person to threaten suicide but I think that nodaybut2day's answer was right on.
My ex-husband did the same thing to me and those threats kept me in a marriage for five years---I didn't want to feel responsible for someone else's suicide. I didn't realize then what I know now. We can't control anyone else. We can't control their use of alcohol. We can't control them if they choose to end their lives. But we also aren't the cause of their problems and we are definitely not "the cure".
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I had a similar experience...
This is a great post Thumper.
My wife liked to threaten suicide when drunk until the day I called 911 and the police came and took her to the hospital. After 24 mandatory hours of detox, and the bills that went with it, she never threatened suicide again even while drunk (though she may have been thinking it).
Having said that, there is no way to know for sure. Some people who threaten suicide ultimately do it. I didn't know what would happen either, I had just reached my limit and finally made the 911 call. I wish I had done it sooner.
Lastly, nobody deserves to be spoken/texted to like you are describing. Nobody. I hope that's not acceptable to you, and I hope you can see what is happening behind it. Take a hard look at this, and consider what you would say if he was saying those things to somebody besides yourself. IMHO we all deserve better.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
My wife liked to threaten suicide when drunk until the day I called 911 and the police came and took her to the hospital. After 24 mandatory hours of detox, and the bills that went with it, she never threatened suicide again even while drunk (though she may have been thinking it).
Having said that, there is no way to know for sure. Some people who threaten suicide ultimately do it. I didn't know what would happen either, I had just reached my limit and finally made the 911 call. I wish I had done it sooner.
Lastly, nobody deserves to be spoken/texted to like you are describing. Nobody. I hope that's not acceptable to you, and I hope you can see what is happening behind it. Take a hard look at this, and consider what you would say if he was saying those things to somebody besides yourself. IMHO we all deserve better.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by Thumper
There is lots to think about with boundaries for yourself and what kind of relationship you want but to address the immediate question.
I told my (now xah) that if he threatened suicide I'd call 911 within 5 seconds. He knew what would happen because he worked at the mental health hospital. He didn't do it - not even once. He was very manipulative so I think he'd have done it had I not stated that up front. It was one of the few things he believed but I really meant it so maybe that showed.
Reading your follow up post he sounds very cruel and calculated. I'd tell him this up front and if there is another suicide threat, hang up and call 911. There is no way to win with a suicide threat because if it is real - you need to get help fast. You are not equipped to handle it over the phone or even face to face. If it is not real - well then he'll learn not to make manipulative threats but you don't need to figure it out. Just do the next right thing. I would not call family because they are no more equipped to deal with it then you are.
I'd also suggest that once the circular discussions start - to walk away or get off the phone. They leave us exhausted, confused, angry, sad, worried. Nothing good comes of them. Nothing. It is an endless loop of misery.
I told my (now xah) that if he threatened suicide I'd call 911 within 5 seconds. He knew what would happen because he worked at the mental health hospital. He didn't do it - not even once. He was very manipulative so I think he'd have done it had I not stated that up front. It was one of the few things he believed but I really meant it so maybe that showed.
Reading your follow up post he sounds very cruel and calculated. I'd tell him this up front and if there is another suicide threat, hang up and call 911. There is no way to win with a suicide threat because if it is real - you need to get help fast. You are not equipped to handle it over the phone or even face to face. If it is not real - well then he'll learn not to make manipulative threats but you don't need to figure it out. Just do the next right thing. I would not call family because they are no more equipped to deal with it then you are.
I'd also suggest that once the circular discussions start - to walk away or get off the phone. They leave us exhausted, confused, angry, sad, worried. Nothing good comes of them. Nothing. It is an endless loop of misery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Histarlynn,
Quite a drama going on. My husband is probably too Narsististic to make these threaths but his son did it often until we took him seriously and called 911- (he did have a gun in the house but we got rid of it) He stopped.
But the other question you voice is about his behavior and attitude relative to the illness. It is hard to separate it all out all the time as some people will stop and still act this way which is a sign of a separate problem. The point of focus should be on taking care of you in the same way that you care for others.
I will share what I learned about living an AH is that when I set limits with his attitude or behavior - it worked pretty well. That means he gradually deescalated the drama while I went about my business and stayed out of it. Living together made it harder to separate from it so I took a lot of walks, visited B&N to read, the local diner got used to filling my coffee cup while I read or journalled.(gee now I could take my notebook and sit on line with all the wifi at places) I even carried the page torn out from the yellow pages with listing of hotels and a bad in the car -which I never needed.
Living apart it was much easier to have distance and I would let him know that I was going to hang up or would call later. Many dates nights I left early and said I would call in the morning to avoid it. If he was still in a bad mood, I put it off again. The point being, it never got better. It just gave one more excuse.
It took me a long time to realize that while the distancing gave me some peace - (and I am not saying that I stopped caring for him) I began to see what life could be like without the drama. I began to see how I was being treated and didn't have to live this way.
This past two weeks there has been a resurgence of the drama as he is trying to file a D. I was very shaken and frightened at one point and then I centered myself and saw that I needed to set boundaries for how he interacts with me again. I only addressed that and he backed down. It felt better for me that I found out what I needed to address for myself - it wasn't settling some issue - but standing up for my right to be treated with respect. Sick or not, we still teach others how to treat us.
Just an aside - Several close family members died of different kinds of cancer - long slow painful deaths - one never complained, one always had a hopeful attitude, and the other lived in fear and denial constantly. It showed me that whatever the situation - how we see ourselves and the world comes through.
Quite a drama going on. My husband is probably too Narsististic to make these threaths but his son did it often until we took him seriously and called 911- (he did have a gun in the house but we got rid of it) He stopped.
But the other question you voice is about his behavior and attitude relative to the illness. It is hard to separate it all out all the time as some people will stop and still act this way which is a sign of a separate problem. The point of focus should be on taking care of you in the same way that you care for others.
I will share what I learned about living an AH is that when I set limits with his attitude or behavior - it worked pretty well. That means he gradually deescalated the drama while I went about my business and stayed out of it. Living together made it harder to separate from it so I took a lot of walks, visited B&N to read, the local diner got used to filling my coffee cup while I read or journalled.(gee now I could take my notebook and sit on line with all the wifi at places) I even carried the page torn out from the yellow pages with listing of hotels and a bad in the car -which I never needed.
Living apart it was much easier to have distance and I would let him know that I was going to hang up or would call later. Many dates nights I left early and said I would call in the morning to avoid it. If he was still in a bad mood, I put it off again. The point being, it never got better. It just gave one more excuse.
It took me a long time to realize that while the distancing gave me some peace - (and I am not saying that I stopped caring for him) I began to see what life could be like without the drama. I began to see how I was being treated and didn't have to live this way.
This past two weeks there has been a resurgence of the drama as he is trying to file a D. I was very shaken and frightened at one point and then I centered myself and saw that I needed to set boundaries for how he interacts with me again. I only addressed that and he backed down. It felt better for me that I found out what I needed to address for myself - it wasn't settling some issue - but standing up for my right to be treated with respect. Sick or not, we still teach others how to treat us.
Just an aside - Several close family members died of different kinds of cancer - long slow painful deaths - one never complained, one always had a hopeful attitude, and the other lived in fear and denial constantly. It showed me that whatever the situation - how we see ourselves and the world comes through.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Kassie2
It took me a long time to realize that while the distancing gave me some peace - (and I am not saying that I stopped caring for him) I began to see what life could be like without the drama. I began to see how I was being treated and didn't have to live this way.
I keep hoping he will see the light and get help. I don't know if I will be around to see it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
