I've left him and feel guilty

Old 11-04-2010, 09:15 AM
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I've left him and feel guilty

I got clean and sober to save my relationship 5 months ago. I was verbally abusive to my ex boyfriend and a real handful in general. I even hit him twice which shows the depths I had reached. The irony is, once I got clean and sober, I realised that HE has his own addiction problems too. I did so much work on myself and am now maintaining my sobriety for me and noone else- I feel great! He said that he had forgiven me for the things I had done and I thought we would be oK. Thing is, I want to keep this new sanity as safe as possible. I therefore asked my ex if he could please keep his weed out of the house and go to a friends if he wants to smoke. Also, leaving me standing in the rain while he smokes around the back of movie theatres before a movie was not cool any more either, it's not how you should treat a girl on a date.

These concerns of mine only came out after HE raised concerns with me about our lifestyles being too different now, that me not drinking and smoking weed has left a big gap between us. This despite the fact that I am out going and love to dance and go to parties still, I just don't want to be surrounded by substances when I close the door at night. I can't understand how he could forgive all the things I did while drinking but have such a huge issue with me being clean!

I am English and he has been living with me in the UK through my drinking and recovery. We had been discussing whether I should be going back to Canada with him to live which was the original plan when all of his new concerns came up about our differing lifestyles. It was only when I tried to REASSURE HIM that it was fine for him to drink to the point of puking and smoke weed every day but just not in the house that I realised just how selfish he is. He literally said that I was "dumb to expect him to keep his weed out of the house" and that "he needs it play his video games". I am a 28-year-old woman studying for my MBA with a great job and lots of friends. I can't believe I was with this guy for 2 years.

The problem is for me now are the feelings of anger that he won't change and the frustration that he can't see that he is selfish. I turned myself around initially for our relationship and I will always be grateful to him for that but Jeez the lack of insight on his part "it's YOU that has the problem, why should I have to change?"

He went back to Canada so we could have some space and think about things. After being back for one week he spoke to me hungover daily, and admitted to taking cocaine 4 times in 8 days. All of this while still telling me our home would always smell of drugs and that I was indeed still dumb for expecting any different even though I am now an active NA member. I told him it was over and I wouldn't be joining him in Canada.

Thing is, I have started dating someone else over the past week and feel SO GUILTY about it. It's been great to be cooked for and spoiled, the guy saw my NA keyring and said that I should be proud of myself for dealing with issues that I had and has been so affectionate and gentle with me. All the while my ex is living with daily hangovers, no job and telling me he has no life. To top it all, I still feel like if he made me promises, I would run back to him. He is a good guy at heart clearly to keep honest about everything, but when I told him I was dating he was openly hurt and bitter and again I felt awful and very guilty to the point where I nearly cancelled my date.

I was just really hoping for a bit of encouragement, I know I need to keep moving forward, the hill just feels really steep at times. Thanks for reading. xxxx
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Old 11-04-2010, 10:13 AM
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I want to encourage you to keep moving forward SereniTee.
Having an ocean between me and my ex-husband really brought life into focus for me.
I was recovering, and he went to rehab with me, but started up again two weeks out.

If the hill gets steep, it might be time to stand still and breathe deep.
Keep doing the next right thing for you.

Beth
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Old 11-04-2010, 11:41 AM
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Yay for you for not moving to another country with you X. Wise choice.

I would only advise to go sloooooow with New Guy, simply because you're having thoughts about your X. To me, that say you haven't yet mourned the end of the relationship. Perhaps spending time alone to rediscover your relationshipn with yourself might help you sort out your anger and guilt.
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Old 11-04-2010, 12:04 PM
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It was only when I tried to REASSURE HIM that it was fine for him to drink to the point of puking and smoke weed every day but just not in the house that I realised just how selfish he is.
I think this bears taking a look at. Why would you settle for someone who finds it necessary to alter his state of mind chemically?

I started relationship hopping shortly after I got out of rehab and left my EXAH (who was still using/drinking).

At best, my choices were men who were emotionally unavailable. At worst they were emotionally abusive.

Today I won't settle for less than I deserve. I'd rather be alone than to share a bed with an active addict and/or alcoholic or any dysfunctional man for that matter.
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Old 11-04-2010, 03:46 PM
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Thanks, I know I really need to be on my own and deal with feeling lonely, I can't use relationships to change how I feel any more than I did substances. Thanks for your messages.
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Old 11-04-2010, 06:29 PM
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(((((SereniTee)))))

When I was at 5 months of being sober and clean, if there had been someone in my life or living with me that continued to use drugs and drink until they puked THEY WOULD HAVE HAD TO GO.

One of the first things I heard in AA was:

"No major changes in the first year of recovery UNLESS THE PERSON PLACE OR THING WAS OR COULD AFFECT MY SOBRIETY."

That of course included my job, my living arrangements and anyone I was involved in with a relationship.

I took that first year and WORKED ON ME. I am so grateful I did. At 18 months, I married a 'sober' alcoholic (boy was that a mistake) who unbeknown to me had changed his addiction to gambling, sheesh. At a little over 5 years in I divorced him and spent the next 3 years alone, living with ME, learning to LOVE me, learning to LIKE me, and it was great.

I too, like DeVon:

Today I won't settle for less than I deserve. I'd rather be alone than to share a bed with an active addict and/or alcoholic or any dysfunctional man for that matter.
I am coming up on 29 1/2 years sober and clean, and can honestly tell you that you DESERVE much much better than the EXABF!!!!!

Congrats on your 5 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is quite an accomplishment.

Please, never, and I do mean NEVER (even though it is normally wise to 'never say never', rofl) feel guilt about PROTECTING your recovery and peace and serenity!!!!!!!!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 11-04-2010, 09:08 PM
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SereniTee
Addiction is selfish.........and recovery needs to be just as selfish. Protect your sobriety over all else and you will maintain your serenity. You are on a good path and it took a lot of courage to hold your boundaries and take care of yourself first. Stay focused on you.

gentle hugs
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