almay777

Ok, I am now on day 46 and I am finding it harder to stay sober. Reason being, I have so much rage!!!! I wake up with the hump and go to bed with the hump. I want to shout and scream most of the time and keep having fantasies of drinking a large glass of wine to relax. I havent done it though.

Is it normal to feel this angry and agressive? I thought I would be in a much happier place then I am right now :-(. I do not feel depressed, Just irritable and moody. I have noticed since stopping drinking I have increased the amount if cigarettes I smoke to try and ease the stress.

Dee74

Hi Almay

I remember that the times I tried simple abstinence I was very much full of rage - I couldn't stand myself or anyone else.

If that the case for you too?
What else are you doing for yourself and your recovery and happiness besides not drinking?
D

Lilly03

I'm working on bringing out the anger. Growing up I was never "allowed" to be angry, there was no place for it. Now I still don't allow myself to feel it, so I'm trying to find it and allow myself to feel it - and then free it. I imagine once I do find it, it will be a pretty long time where it's all I feel because I've bottled it up so long.

Anyway, I'd imagine a lot of rage and anger is pretty normal.

I don't know if you do the same thing I do and bottle it up, but maybe when you're smoking you're trying to stop it- when you really need to stop fighting yourself and allow yourself to truly feel it.

least

I see an addiction counselor once a week and it's been so much help. Not just in staying sober, but dealing with my life in general. Can you start counseling? I find it a great help. Also, in early recovery our emotions are all over the place, up and down. Having a counselor to talk to about your feelings might be just the thing to help you over the rough places.

almay777

Well - I thinkthis is where I am probably going wrong. I'm not doing much for my recovery. I am working 2 jobs at the moment so am quite tired (obviously adding to my irritability). I am trying to eat all the right foods and take reasonable care of myself. But I feel like I am in a constant battle with myself over not having a drink. I am so determined I cannot put it into words. I am hanging on to how ill and tired and depressed i felt when I was drinking for dear life - I am petrified to forget how bad things got.
I read on here everyday and would love to give others words of encouragement. Trouble is I have no advice to give at the moment :-( I am finding it so tough.

least

Just focus on encouraging yourself right now! You can give to others when you are stronger in yourself. Big (((hugs)))

bdiddy5522

I think this is a classic case of the difference between sobriety and recovery. We used to drink to cover those feelings. Now they are brought to the surface and until we work a recovery program, we just have to try and deal with these emotions without any tools. I thought for the longest time also that once I got sober, life would be great. Turns out drinking was just a symptom of my real issues. These issues needed to be dealt with.

So I hope you find a program and work on this. This is why most most people that just stop drinking usually go back to drinking. Glad you are here.

julez

Almay, is there or was there a doctor involved in your detox? I don't know if this is "medical advice" or not, and if it is, please delete with my apologies, but do you think you could see a doctor about this? I have a script for xanax, and it does help take the edge off those uncontrollable feelings. I hope noone is offended by this, and I'm not suggesting to replace one addiction with another, just sharing what helped me in the past.

Kjell

Rage in recovery? Heck yeah!

Anger, frustration, confusion, awkwardness, pain...you betcha ya!

...but this is where my AA design for living comes in. I have a solution to deal with all of this and I don't even have to take a drink. Kinda cool

I'm by no means pushing AA on you, but just simply giving my experience. I have someone to call (my sponsor) who can direct me. I have a group of people I can go to talk to (AA meetings) where solution is discussed and real alcoholic problems are shared face-to-face. ...and I have 12 steps I can run through for each and every problem I have.

It's not always roses and most times I sit in my pain before surrending to my new ideas and though patterns, but so far, it's worked everytime. ...and it's getting better.

Great honest post. I bet you'll get some good answers here.

SpidermanTango

Don't be so hard on yourself. Of course it is normal to feel a little hostile, most addicts will tell you that your environment and the people in it are always factors in keeping the addiction cycle going. If you break one spoke the wheel can still keep spinning. It isnt the only factor of course, but it is a factor.
If it helps at all, when you feel like lashing out - go find something you find amusing (book movie, tv show, etc.) and lighten the environment, maybe ease your anxiety a bit.
Dont forget that anger clouds your judgement and leads to big mistakes and ruins relationships...words hurt. Even though you deserve better, try to accept whatever comes your way and make peace with it, and you will thank yourself some day. It may taste ghastly going down, but forgiveness eases YOUR mind too and feels like the weight of the world off your shoulders when you bury a grudge. Do it for you. Be selfish. You need a little empathy right now - so give yourself some. This sobriety **** is hard enough.

SSIL75

Hey you! Great to 'see' you here again. We started around the same time. congrats on your 47 days!

I had that rage during periods of abstinence before (I remember the first trimester of my last pregnancy being brutal). So I can relate to the abstinence/recovery split that Dee highlighted. White-knuckling.

I do think a therapist is a wonderful idea (all that time you used to spend drinking - can you take an hour of it a week and put it towards your recovery?). Do you have non-drinking friends? What are you doing in the way of stress relief?

LaFemme

Hi Almay! And welcome. I can relate on two jobs and having a lot on our plate. I can feel how determined you are from your posts, that's awesome!. As for the rage, I think you've gotten a lot of great suggestions, I'm more like Lilly (repressing anger is my problem) so I can't help with that.

I will say therapy is incredibly useful, and that from what I have learned here you really do need to do more than just quit...sorry, I wish it were that simple:-)

Just a thought, but maybe having an outlet for that rage (boxing anyone) would help.

Lilly...I'm like you, it comes from growing up in an alcoholic household.

Dee74

I think it's imperative we make time for ourselves Almay - whether we go to AA, see a therapist, or whatever - it's important to make time for you.

I knew if I didn't deal with some of those underlying reasons that drove me to drink in the first place, they'd likely as not drive me there again if I wasn't careful.

Everyone deserves happiness Almay - give yourself a break to find it

D

Kmber2010

Almay I am glad you are sharing and I understand the rage and frustration. I found that getting sober was a great feeling but I was left raw. I no longer was masking the issues in my life and I needed help in sobriety and learning to cope. Lets remember that many of us probably reached for the bottle when we were upset, happy, sad, you name it. It was just a part of our lives. Sobriety is a brand new you without the crutch.

Why not look into AA or counseling or something along those lines. You are doing great and I say reach out now and add to what you feel you need. That is the whole part of the journey.....changing it up when needed.

I know that at any given point in my recovery if I feel that what I am doing is not enough or is no longer working then I will seek other support tools. The key is stay sober and get a good solid program of recovery in place.

Hang in there

Anna

I agree that you are doing well, but that you need to work more on yourself and changing your life. If you don't make the changes you need in your life and in yourself, I suspect that the rage will continue. I think one way to make a start is to try journalling your emotions.

lyddie

Almay - Rage probably is a very normal reaction to having to work 2 jobs while struggling with early sobriety. But I do think you need to find some healthy outlet to release it. Is there some place safe and private you can go where you can just scream and kick and hit something? Do you know anyone doing a remodel who needs help with demolition?

Snarf

I'm generally a pretty laid-back and easygoing fella. But when I was drinking, my anger would get out of control. I never really beat anyone up or anything like that, but I would punch things in my house, growl (yes, kind of like a dog), throw things...it could be pretty ugly sometimes.

When I stopped drinking, began going to AA meetings and coming here, that all stopped. I got my anger under control, and when I would feel myself getting angry I was able to stop and calm myself down. Well, for the past couple months I haven't been going to meetings or following my program like I know I should. I tell myself it's because of my trial and stint in jail and not being able to drive and all that other stuff, but the truth is I haven't been working my recovery like I know I should. And I think that's caused me to be off-center in the other areas of my life, as I've let my school work slip, I usually want to be the first one cut rather than staying to make the extra money, and I've noticed I'm starting to get angry again. And I don't like it.

So today I made it a point to go to a meeting. I woke up, thought about how I'd have to ride my bike a few miles and take 2 trains and 2 buses (round-trip) to go to a meeting, and didn't want to go. But I made myself go. When I got there, it was one of the men's meetings that I'm usually not crazy about. But it may have been the best meeting I've ever been to. The energy level was high, there was a lot of laughter and smiling and honesty, and so many things that I desperately needed to hear. Also met a couple really cool guys I didn't know before. And I've had a great day since. Even was able to calm myself down one time this evening when I felt that anger rising.

Basically I'm saying that when I'm connected and consciously doing the things I know I should be doing, it balances out my mood, makes me more content and less quick to become angered. It also allows me to slow down and process things and have better control over my reactions, if not my emotions themselves. When I'm not doing what I need to do in my recovery, I can snap like a twig.