transformyself

On Halloween I "met" a man who I've been corresponding with through work for about a month now. He's gentle, brilliant. So far at least, that's how he appears. Brilliant and gentle. And funny and kind. Sort of serious but laughs easily. Very very tall and all though he's a bit goofy, he's also pretty darn attractive.

I'm trying to not get all excited but it's hard because I respect this man a great deal-he's an editor/investigative journalist of an alternative newspaper and I've read his work for years. We've been working together on a project for awhile -very formally through email. He reached out to me because this is an area where I have expertise.

When we met at Halloween, neither of us knew who the other was. He was in the middle of a circle of people, leading a discussion about politics. I joined in for awhile until it dawned on me he was wearing a red plaid suit from the 70's, so I laughed at him, asking, "Dude, where on earth did you get that suit? It's hard to take you seriously you know."

We laughed about that and then talked for a long while before someone came over and introduced us, recongizing we didn't realize who we were talking to. Then we really laughed. I was honestly mortified when I realized I was making fun of this prominent Editor and journalist I'd been working with, but he said he liked it because I didn't care that he was "Mr. Important Editor." And because I'm funny and charming. Told me that right away. That worked.

It was fun. Exciting. He's called me every day to check in, see how I'm doing, talk about the project, and his work and mine. We have a great deal in common. He understands alcoholism. I've been clear that I'm only separated from AH, not divorced, that he and I share a car and communicate regularly. No tricks there. He says that's just another reason he wants to get to know me better-my honesty. Says it's refreshing.

I think this ongoing discussion with him may have spawned my sadness about AH the other day. The thought of continuing to grow and change while he drinks himself to death. I accept it, but it does make me sad.

I'm flattered that this man wants to spend more time with me, but am also aware that I have a tendency to over romanticize things. He is saying wonderful things to me--that I'm inspiring, funny, he loves talking with me. Mainly I'm trying to stay focused on myself. What do I want to do? What's best for me?

Thank you Alanon.

I know I do this every now and then. Get all worked up about a boy. I hung out with a local NPR host awhile back and got all worked up about that at the time too. Ran into my childhood buddy in October and have been talking to him too, but after the intial flash of excitement, I just go back to my life and those guys become friends. I dated a younger man for a minute in the early spring, but there were plenty of red flags so I chose to heed them. That's a new trick of mine. Heeding red flags rather than ignore them.

I really liker how formal this man is though. There's no guess work. He asked me to have dinner with him yesterday. We agreed to go on Wednesday. Then he called back to ask if I was available any sooner. When I said I can get away Sunday he said, "that's the best thing that's happened to me all day."

I"m flattered. I"m thrilled. I'm scared and working on staying in the moment, not having unrealistic expectation and being honest with myself.

I'll just check him out. Let him open doors for me. Challenge me intellectually. Tell me I'm beautiful.

naive

sounds like fun, tc!

whatcha gonna wear?

i can't even imagine a man taking me out to dinner. xABF said he preferred to buy the food and eat it in the car. ha ha.

TakingCharge999

haha.. ahh naive.. sorry I keep stalking you lately.

transformie, what are you wearing?? Exploring a new person's world is very exciting. Also because you start realizing who you are now! I believe this is one of the most exciting parts of this recovery thing, that we get to live how interaction with healthier humans can look like! humans that are actually sober present, and have qualities and recognize them in us.

S also thought any corner place was a "nice restaurant". Not long ago the therapist told me "how would you like having someone good looking, financially stable, coming to get you in his flashy car and taking you somewhere REALLY NICE and EXPENSIVE then getting you back home safely without you having to do anything but be entertained?? then have many other dates like that.."

I am starting to picture the feeling... not quite there yet... feeling uneasy but also going "why not?"

Have fun and let us know about the clothes and the place! it is no coincidence these kind of people -smart, intellectual, respectful- are coming to your life now.. THOSE are your male equals, nothing less good for you for keeping yourself in check, I also start obsessing but trying to let go as well and just enjoy the present and the FRIENDSHIP...

transformyself

Oh god I hadn't even thought about that. Ugh.

Well it's cold here in Michigan, so I'll probably wear long underware, jeans, a turtle neck and my full length down coat I've been sleeping in. Knit cap.

No?
what a douche your ex is Naive. Really. He didn't deserve you, not for one second.

transformyself

Oh Thank you TC! I do feel this way, like this man is my equal in many ways. Superior on some, but who cares?

missphit

good for you Transform!! enjoy yourself and i'll be looking for continued reports...sounds like fun that you certainly deserve!! *sigh* the whole idea sounds wonderful!!

transformyself

Thanks misphit
this is what I'm afraid of. Am I ready to date? Guess we'll find out. Is he really screwed up? Guess I'll find out. Wont' ignore red flags I can tell you that. Do I have time to date? No...

But hes, it does feel wonderful. The scary part is he's made the entire checklist so far for the requirements to date Transform.

That form used to look like this:

Do you like me? yes or no?

now it looks like this:

Are you:
older than myself, financially and emotionally stable yet passionate, tall, spiritually engaged, funny, my intellectual equal, humble, and have the potential to openly worship me?


so that's who I've been calling. My romantic wants to say, "here he is! Tada!" But let's be realistic Transform..

for now it's fun. I'm keeping a good bead on my emotions and triggers though. We're not all better quite yet..

How does all black sound? For what to wear?

TakingCharge999

All black is ok, for a funeral.

Woman... there are COLORS...

Do you have any dressy leggings+skirt+boots??

TakingCharge999

Is it a very elegant restaurant?
(I love these topics)

How are we doing in the manicure department?

All work and no fun is no way to live. HP just taught me that. Even if its an outing once every month or just a moment for yourself... honest, transformie, I am learning that lesson just now!!

naive

a big thumbs down on the long johns, bulky sweater and down coat!

leggings, a short skirt and boots sounds perfect. and don't wear a big bulky top!

i've been wearing a lot of fur lately because it's freezing here.

(disclaimer: ok, it's second hand, animal already dead a long time ago, i didn't create the demand to kill it and i don't eat them)

anyway, i bought an old fur coat, stripped the lining out so that it's thinner, turned it inside out so the fur would be against my skin and lined my leather jacket with it. it's so warm, yet not bulky. i feel luxuriously sexy when i wear it.

i find i can put on a t-shirt, throw this coat on, and i'm always warm.

so, it means you don't have to put on so many bulky layers and can show off your fabulous figure!

naive

naive

ha ha

TakingCharge999

naive, that jacket sounds seriously fashionable.

So this is the general idea



I know you are going "that look is too young for me" but let me tell you when I was in Finland many women in their 40+, 50+s wore similar things (even more colorful) and they looked GREAT so there is no excuse!!

wicked

transform,

I think TC has the look there.
You are tall and lean yes?
that would look great on you!
do it.

i am jealous. geez.

Beth

transformyself

Tall yes. Lean, um no. Busty. Overweight right now. Gotta hide the gut.

I do love that look though. Why do you guys have to be so far away? I need shopping buddies.
I am a bit freaked out now, though. I was seriously just going to wear my jeans and turtle neck....

naive

um, transformie, turtleneck?....no.

come on. it's a date! and no flat shoes! at least a boot with a bit of a heel.

i like velvet a lot. i have a little black velvet t-shirt top that is sweet with jeans and boots. it was a crew neck, but i took out the scissors and cut it into a v-neck. i wear it backwards sometimes, so it shows my back, rather than my cleavage. depends on the occassion (who am i kidding. i always wear it backwards but if i had a date with tall, handsome, smart guy, i'd wear it forwards)

sorry. i think i'm overly excited about your date. alright, back to vaccuuming naive!

transformyself

DAMN why can't you be closer? I need HELP!

naive

ok. there must be something in your closet that when you put on, you always feel fabulous and feminine. give us some options, we'll work from afar.

i think its important to make an effort for a first date. it is not another meeting. i repeat, it is not another business meeting.

ok, i'm thinking tall, busty and a bit of a belly to hide...a top that's fitted around the breasts and drops loose over straight skinny jeans tucked into boots?

transformyself

ok lets do this. Can we talk by phone? Aren't you in the UK?

I have plenty in my closet, but wont' be able to do this until tonight AND get this-our first date is now Saturday night. He's accompanying me to a speaking engagement/dinner.

So that changes things. I will go to the second hand store tomorrow to see what I can find..

wicked

Excellent idea. The second hand store.

naive

yes, i'm in the uk but i'm so poor now i don't have a landline, if you can believe that, i just use payphones.

and as you know, i ripped my mobile in half with my bare hands when OW called him on it. (i'm not proud of that by the way)

i'm living on £60/week. after food and electricity, theres' nothing left. when i said he left me with nothing, i really meant it!

(gee, i need to get a job! that's next on the agenda! well, after we plan your outfit!)