finally made it to the NA meeting
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: home
Posts: 205
finally made it to the NA meeting
It had it's good moments, I related a lot to the speaker. It was all men so I was out of place (they were very nice and said to come back and also told me about the women meetings). While I was there I was good, but when I left I started feeling kind of scared. Maybe it's because I didn't share or feel completely like I fit in but the meeting kind of bummed me out. Made me feel hopeless? I have no reason to feel that way!! Maybe it's just me being scared, I don't know.
It brought a lot of things out in myself that I'm not ready to deal with. The speaker talked about the little ways he pleases people and hurts himself. I.E. when someone is eating something and you eat it too even though you don't enjoy it. I do that all the time. The people pleasing. Suffering so some one else doesn't have to - when in reality you don't have to be suffering at all. He also talked about "fixing"...and feelings. I'm struggling with that a lot lately. I've been feeling things very intensely and forget that it's not forever! If I feel anything bad I go crazy and want to make it stop. I don't know how to allow myself to feel bad without thinking the world is going to end and I am hopeless. One bad feeling and I make it way worse than it is and go into a panic or anxiety attack...I don't know how to feel without going crazy.
I think I left very overwhelmed about how much work I have to do. But I'm going to go back to that one and find one for women.
It brought a lot of things out in myself that I'm not ready to deal with. The speaker talked about the little ways he pleases people and hurts himself. I.E. when someone is eating something and you eat it too even though you don't enjoy it. I do that all the time. The people pleasing. Suffering so some one else doesn't have to - when in reality you don't have to be suffering at all. He also talked about "fixing"...and feelings. I'm struggling with that a lot lately. I've been feeling things very intensely and forget that it's not forever! If I feel anything bad I go crazy and want to make it stop. I don't know how to allow myself to feel bad without thinking the world is going to end and I am hopeless. One bad feeling and I make it way worse than it is and go into a panic or anxiety attack...I don't know how to feel without going crazy.
I think I left very overwhelmed about how much work I have to do. But I'm going to go back to that one and find one for women.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: home
Posts: 205
I just realized it was also the first time I, in person, was an addict. I didn't say it but I was there and they knew why I was there...and that's scary. On here I am me authentically, but then when I leave I'm in my normal introverted self and I feel the feelings of addiction but I don't share with people.
Being around people who knew made me feel very very vulnerable. I wanted to cry but I was scared because 1. it was all men and I didn't want them to see me as "weak" or a little crying girl who has nothing to complain about and 2. I don't like to cry in front of people (or even by myself) much worse a huge room. So I held it in...Took all I could in but still had all my walls up. That's what made me feel hopeless.
Another meeting with people who I feel more comfortable with will probably make me feel better - I just have to let go and trust I will find one. (Trust and letting go...not easy lol).
Being around people who knew made me feel very very vulnerable. I wanted to cry but I was scared because 1. it was all men and I didn't want them to see me as "weak" or a little crying girl who has nothing to complain about and 2. I don't like to cry in front of people (or even by myself) much worse a huge room. So I held it in...Took all I could in but still had all my walls up. That's what made me feel hopeless.
Another meeting with people who I feel more comfortable with will probably make me feel better - I just have to let go and trust I will find one. (Trust and letting go...not easy lol).
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Lilly,
You went and survived! Thanks for coming back and letting us know how it went. You did better than I did at my first meeting. Had I gone alone and it was all women I would probably have run out. See we all start scared and have the same fears you have, and we all overcame them, like you did. It's always baby steps that work best for me.
You will probably find the perfect meeting for you. Try the womens one, and try some AA. My AA group that fits me perfectly goes from about age 30 to 70, and is about 50/50 males and females.
It took me several meetings before I felt able to share. You'll do fine if you are patient with yourself. How many years did you drink? It can't all be fixed in a day or a week. But it can get better and better, and I have no doubt that your courage will see you through even though you don't feel that way now. Baby steps.
You went and survived! Thanks for coming back and letting us know how it went. You did better than I did at my first meeting. Had I gone alone and it was all women I would probably have run out. See we all start scared and have the same fears you have, and we all overcame them, like you did. It's always baby steps that work best for me.
You will probably find the perfect meeting for you. Try the womens one, and try some AA. My AA group that fits me perfectly goes from about age 30 to 70, and is about 50/50 males and females.
It took me several meetings before I felt able to share. You'll do fine if you are patient with yourself. How many years did you drink? It can't all be fixed in a day or a week. But it can get better and better, and I have no doubt that your courage will see you through even though you don't feel that way now. Baby steps.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 85
That is great Lilly03!!!
I get very overwhelmed by "all the work I have to do" also.
But like they say I am working on living in the present and one day at a time.
I felt like you do the first few meetings, now I kinda look forward to going to them.
I get very overwhelmed by "all the work I have to do" also.
But like they say I am working on living in the present and one day at a time.
I felt like you do the first few meetings, now I kinda look forward to going to them.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Congrats on taking some action Lilly.
You may not know it but you described the definition of "resentment" almost perfectly in the second paragraph of your first post and you're right....it's a killer.......it's also the #1 reason people relapse although most don't see it as such at the time (or necessarily understand what "resentment" really means....... I sure didn't early in recovery).
As for feeling good about meetings, feeling vulnerable at meetings, leaving and feeling scared..... I found that once I was able to let my protective walls down in the meetings and be open and honest about myself with other people - face to face..... I started feeling a whooole lot better. And make no mistake...letting those walls down wasn't something I was looking forward to doing. It scared the hell outta me and I felt vulnerable too. I was afraid ppl would judge me, not like me, and ignore me (mostly because that's how I'D lived MY life up to that point....in judgment of others - and I just "knew" they'd do the same to me).
One of the things I heard early in recovery....before I even really got recovered.....was something a lady with a bunch of years said. She told us since she recovered from her alcoholism and drug addictions....she doesn't lie anymore. No more games, no more false self, no more being an actor so ppl will like her, no more pretending, no more saying one thing yet feeling the opposite deep down..... That was a life I knew nothing about. All my life I tried to be what I thought ppl wanted and it worked....kinda. The biggest problem was I didn't know myself and a lot of what I did know of myself I didn't much like.
Things like letting go of old ideas and preconceptions, trying to trust, trying to search for some power greater than myself....all that stuff was either spooky or seemed downright corny........but it saved my life. In recovery I've started to get to know myself and that's a helluva gift. I've had (and still have to) do a lot of things I didn't necessarily want to do at the time. I had to practice not hating something or not believing in something I hadn't really investigated thoroughly myself. I had to practice "trying new things."
There IS a better life available to you....it's right there.......soooo close. Try your best to be willing to reach out and grab it even when you don't know what it is you're grabbing. And look.....if you knew what a better life was or how to live it.....you'd be living it now....already. So it goes with the territory that new things will seem scary at first. That's ok though....a lot of us have walked the path ahead of you and we're willing to help you walk it yourself.
You may not know it but you described the definition of "resentment" almost perfectly in the second paragraph of your first post and you're right....it's a killer.......it's also the #1 reason people relapse although most don't see it as such at the time (or necessarily understand what "resentment" really means....... I sure didn't early in recovery).
As for feeling good about meetings, feeling vulnerable at meetings, leaving and feeling scared..... I found that once I was able to let my protective walls down in the meetings and be open and honest about myself with other people - face to face..... I started feeling a whooole lot better. And make no mistake...letting those walls down wasn't something I was looking forward to doing. It scared the hell outta me and I felt vulnerable too. I was afraid ppl would judge me, not like me, and ignore me (mostly because that's how I'D lived MY life up to that point....in judgment of others - and I just "knew" they'd do the same to me).
One of the things I heard early in recovery....before I even really got recovered.....was something a lady with a bunch of years said. She told us since she recovered from her alcoholism and drug addictions....she doesn't lie anymore. No more games, no more false self, no more being an actor so ppl will like her, no more pretending, no more saying one thing yet feeling the opposite deep down..... That was a life I knew nothing about. All my life I tried to be what I thought ppl wanted and it worked....kinda. The biggest problem was I didn't know myself and a lot of what I did know of myself I didn't much like.
Things like letting go of old ideas and preconceptions, trying to trust, trying to search for some power greater than myself....all that stuff was either spooky or seemed downright corny........but it saved my life. In recovery I've started to get to know myself and that's a helluva gift. I've had (and still have to) do a lot of things I didn't necessarily want to do at the time. I had to practice not hating something or not believing in something I hadn't really investigated thoroughly myself. I had to practice "trying new things."
There IS a better life available to you....it's right there.......soooo close. Try your best to be willing to reach out and grab it even when you don't know what it is you're grabbing. And look.....if you knew what a better life was or how to live it.....you'd be living it now....already. So it goes with the territory that new things will seem scary at first. That's ok though....a lot of us have walked the path ahead of you and we're willing to help you walk it yourself.
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