fragrantrose

Hi Everyone
thankyou all for reading and being here!
My problem is this...(its nothing new I suppose). I have been involved with AHBF for 8 years now and am desperately trying to break my emotional tie with him. He now has health issues due to the booze and in the past his behaviour has been awful ..feel like i have forgiven him for so many things that i have just put down to the grog. The most painful was when i found him in bed with a woman just 1 week after one of our breakups, finding him on sex sites, when he called me a **** when i shared how i was sexually abused by 2 men when i was young. the list goes on ad nauseum ..when i tell him how he has hurt me he says I have hurt him too and just changes the subject.
I have tried NC on numerous times but he reforms for while, then reverts to type. I am also a recovering problem/stress drinker and since i have been having counselling and coming here have improved a lot. Since i am now much more assertive and say NO to him about some things his behavour has changed for the better , he is offering to take me to dinner and more respectful, crys when i tell him i will never live with him because of drinking..my kids cant stand him I just want to run away to another state to be free of him!!!
I have another man interested in me at the moment but i feel guilty if i see him behind this ones back How sick Am I??? Have tried alanon and doesnt suit. Would greatly appreciate a reality check to try to break this addiction/sickness! He is also always sick and i am a nurse and dont want to end up his carer (he just lives up the street). I still see him as basically a good man who has a drink problem (although he is mean spirited and boring) and feel sorry for him when he cries!!!! (believe it or not i am 53 OMG)

TakingCharge999

Hi fragantrose!!

Are you going to therapy?

How incredibly.. rude, and hurtful. Just by what you said I have worse ways to describe him than "mean-spirited".

Anyway, therapy has helped me a great deal to heal as I was sexually abused before (overall have issues with sexuality, birth, power) and I have tended to look for verbal abusers, addicts and a long list of horror show specimens.

I wish you the best! the abuse/crying phase is the cycle of abuse. You can break it. But it takes a professional's help IMHO!

Pelican

I recommend reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

naive

i don't think that's sick. i think it's proper.

just because they lie and cheat behind our backs, doesn't mean that we should let go of what we believe in.

and believe me, i was more than tempted to give him some of his own medicine too! believe me, i had that little voice in my ear "go on, naive, he thinks it's no big deal...he doesn't understand why you're so upset...hmm...let's see how he feels when i do it !"

anyway, i fought that off, with the help of my HP.

if we do the same as them, then we become like them.

i'm still sitting here, war-scarred for sure, but with my integrity and self-respect intact. and that is priceless!

i also don't think it is a good idea to get involved with someone else right away...we need time to heal, time to focus on ourselves, to learn about ourselves and how we ended up in a dysfunctional relationship, how we lost our boundaries, etc.

Thumper

Hi and welcome to the group. It is such a confusing time, to be at the peak of change. The key is to not get stuck there.

It really is as simple (and as difficult) as making the decision that this relationship is no longer in your best interest, no longer working for you, no longer something you want to continue. It sounds as if you have done that part. You don't have to run away. Then it is as simple (and as difficult) as telling him you are ending the relationship, and then actually end it. No contact. It will work. It is a gift to yourself.

It is actually a gift to him too. We can't read the next chapter of our life if we refuse to end the current one. If we know we do not want to bring a relationship into the next chapter we can't move forward and we are not allowing the other person to move forward either.

Cyranoak

Get yourself to the nearest Al-Anon meeting. Before you decide if it is working for you, go to at least six meetings. Just because it didn't suit you before doesn't mean it won't now, and what you have been doing instead has clearly not worked. Give it a chance and you will find healing. You will. Each group has a different feel to it even thought they all operate in a similar fashion. Keep an open mind, remember it is never to late too heal, and listen to the other members of the group. You only have to speak if you want to do so. There are no musts in Al-Anon.

Take care and good luck,

Cyranoak

P.s. Every single thing he says and does is manipulative. Don't enable him by doubting yourself, believing anything he says, and not taking care of yourself. If you don't open yourself to Al-Anon, in my opinion the rest of your life is going to be exactly as it is today and the idea of that is very, very sad.


QUOTE=fragrantrose;2756279]Hi Everyone
thankyou all for reading and being here!
My problem is this...(its nothing new I suppose). I have been involved with AHBF for 8 years now and am desperately trying to break my emotional tie with him. He now has health issues due to the booze and in the past his behaviour has been awful ..feel like i have forgiven him for so many things that i have just put down to the grog. The most painful was when i found him in bed with a woman just 1 week after one of our breakups, finding him on sex sites, when he called me a **** when i shared how i was sexually abused by 2 men when i was young. the list goes on ad nauseum ..when i tell him how he has hurt me he says I have hurt him too and just changes the subject.
I have tried NC on numerous times but he reforms for while, then reverts to type. I am also a recovering problem/stress drinker and since i have been having counselling and coming here have improved a lot. Since i am now much more assertive and say NO to him about some things his behavour has changed for the better , he is offering to take me to dinner and more respectful, crys when i tell him i will never live with him because of drinking..my kids cant stand him I just want to run away to another state to be free of him!!!
I have another man interested in me at the moment but i feel guilty if i see him behind this ones back How sick Am I??? Have tried alanon and doesnt suit. Would greatly appreciate a reality check to try to break this addiction/sickness! He is also always sick and i am a nurse and dont want to end up his carer (he just lives up the street). I still see him as basically a good man who has a drink problem (although he is mean spirited and boring) and feel sorry for him when he cries!!!! (believe it or not i am 53 OMG)[/QUOTE]

fragrantrose

A big thankyou !! takingcharge, pelican, miss naive, thumper, cyronoch for all your wise advice ...coming to this forum gives me so much comfort and resolve!
Today is day 2 of No contact and true to form, the predictable cycle has begun he has already left 1 nasty message on my phone so next time will delete when hear his voice..really have to get this TOXIC male out of my life. Did an inventory of what things we had in common and it really just came down to that great DECEIVER sexual chemistry and a sick sort of mutual emotional dependency .
I am desperately trying to break a lifelong pattern of pleasing men (have read women who love too much) and am not going out with other man just going to tell him i am not avail today..and take MYSELF out on a date for lunch as it all begins with pleasing myself first..and not succombing to that monkey on my back whispering I MUST HAVE AND PLEASE A MAN (and abandon myself)