pixilation

It just isn't going to work , AH seems to be hitting a low patch right now(kinda like how a bipolar cycles downward) and I can see him gearing up for a few days/weeks of the same, before he "blows" and just lets loose on all sorts of mudslinging of insults, blame games, etc, before he starts up cycling again.

Today, he got home at 9am, and started drinking shortly thereafter. I left the house around 2:30, he was doing his "REALLY loud music, singing lyrics toward me" thing, so I left. came home around 5, and he was still awake, 14 beers later, but still awake. I just went to work making supper, rather than engaging(I'm getting better at that, it's hard though)

I've refused to play along with his cell phone crap, he thinks I'm being stupid. but really, I'd prefer to have phone service all the time, rather than just when he remembers(or has the money) to pay the bill.

Anyway, just venting, trying to get the stress out of my body. Even if I walk away from it, it's still stressing me out.

Hollyanne

Pix, Why do you stay?

pixilation

Right now, because I don't have a job. I am working quickly on changing it. going to try and get some money for gas to get to job service in the morning and get to applying for jobs.

Previous to this last really bad cycle, I stayed because I thought it was getting "better", I got convinced it was all my fault from my family(I did get out last year for about a week), and I couldn't get a hold of the resources I needed to stay out(women's shelter was full, social services was being extremely slow, and I was rapidly running out of money). so, that's why.

Hollyanne

I am very sorry. I just quickly looked at your other posts and saw that you have been dealing with all this for a while. You have very small children?

Hollyanne

Any family around? Do the military step in to help at all? Do you have someone around to take you in for a month or 2?

Pelican

I found power walking as a great way to relieve the stress build-up. I would put on my sneakers and head out the door and walk really fast for a mile or more (depending on how stressed I was).

I still enjoy getting out and pounding the pavement after a stressful day at work.

(((hugs)))

pixilation

He's only reserves, and in my past experience, no, they don't do much.The VA could be helping him, if he'd show up to his appointments. My family burned me last time, so i can't stay with them, and his family..well, yeah.

I'm going to do this, I'm just going to do it properly this time. And I have 2, 8, and 14yo sons.

Hollyanne

Oh yes, the family who are useless to you when you need them. A common phenomenon.
Well you sound strong and like you are making plans. The boys are going to be your best buds. Boys and their mommies!
Why is it that alcoholics do not just walk away when being so destructive?
Seriously, you would be better off if he disappeared from home, then you would get more help! Do you have the family who never let you make a "mistake"?

ItsmeAlice

If it helps to know, you are not alone in what you're up against.
I dealt with that same behavior living with my XABF. The blaring music and singing (more yelling) lyrics at me was maddening. Can you believe I stayed with him 5 more years after that started??! Ugh! Neither can I.
In defense of my codependency, he did go through a phase of cutting back for a time after than and then when he started back up binging, I shunned him from the house so that damn serenade stopped at least.

I know what you mean about walking away but still being strung out. When I started working with detachment tools, I could walk away and go about my business leaving him to his drinking, but I still kept glancing back out the window, listening for his truck, and waiting for him to come storming up the stairs mad because I was doing my own thing and not paying him attention. It was hard to let it go in my head.

It takes practice. It happens little by little over time. Keep at it you'll get there. I didn't even notice it at first. It just occurred to me one night while I was watching a weekly show I had been waiting to see and power walking on the treadmill to get my workout in that I realized I hadn't even thought about where he was or what he was doing or when he'd be home. If he had been anywhere but getting drunk in his usually hiding spot, I would have heard about it, right? Right.

Somehow, in the course of my day, I just let it all go and had begun just living my life and the dialogue in my head was just about the moment at hand and not about his addiction. Some days I would stew over it, but other days I was free to just be.

I may not have been financially able to free physically, but I could be free emotionally. I could change my way of thinking and I did. You can do it, too!

Hang in there!! Stick with the steps, keep working your recovery tools. Life can change for the better even if your still coping with an active addict. It can be done and done well.

Alice

pixilation

Oh, there have been days that I've wished he'd just decide to not come home ever again. Many days in fact.

and my family thinks taht he can't make a mistake, that I'm the problem in the relationship. so yeah, I cut them off after what they did to me last fall.

coyote21

I suggested to mine that she should switch to vodka, she was on that like white on rice. Funny, all those years I spent trying to get her to stop, and in the end all I wanted was for her to "get on with it", and just achieve unconsciousness.

It saved a ton of "beer money" and did the "trick". No more pesky half awake, slurring, staggering, pi$$ing herself, drunk to deal with. Out like a light. Priceless.

It was much more efficient as well, often times she was able to fit two drunks into the same day. Drink for a few hours in the AM, pass out for 6 or so hours, wake up and drink a few more hours, pass back out.

But I do remember the years before I "wised up", 5'4" about a buck ten, a case of beer a day, no food, and she just wouldn't go down. Ah, good times.

Maybe it would work for your situation as well?

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Hollyanne

That sucks. Chauvinism and also the "street angel house devil" thing going on I suppose. Have you any good friends or have you ended up isolated due to the baby?

pixilation

I do, but they are in town(I'm in a suburb of a city, about 20 minutes away) and right now, I have literally no gas(I used up the $5 I put in there today to get out for awhile, and I don't have any other money) I've been lucky in finding a great playgroup for my son, and a few of the moms went thru my dilemma last fall with me.

And no way on the hard liquor(not that I'd truly want to encourage that anyway) the last time he had any hard liquor, he climbed out the window of the apartment(ground floor) managed to get to the vehicle in the front(no keys thankfully), sat in the drivers seat,with the door still open, and puked all over the driveway. Then when i went to go get him(once I realized he wasn't in the bedroom, I had shut and locked the door with him inside there) he started running for the street, and eventually laid down in the middle of it.

Hollyanne

Was this the husband or the toddler?
Just kidding!!!!!
Jeeze, sounds like a real peach!
Just keep coming here and try and get some money together so you can bail out ASAP. Keep a sense of humor and stay strong.

pixilation

Well, the toddler wouldn't have puked.

That happened years ago(before 2 deployments, bouts of being a dry drunk, etc) at the time he was still binge drinking on the weekends rather than being a full blown alkie. I didn't see it for what it was at the time. I did always wonder why he couldn't have just one or two drinks, like "normal" people, why he always had to get drunk. Just didn't(and still doesn't) seem like fun.

He actually managed to wake up and leave for work.Don't know if he made it on time, and I won't give him the satisfaction of texting him and asking either. I'll find out in the morning when he comes home.

naive

is there a saint vincent de paul's charity near you?

if you go to them, they will give you some money for gas.

tjp613

I haven't read your previous posts, but have you consulted with a domestic violence counselor? Would you consider going into shelter?

transformyself

This is good. What does properly look like to you?

pixilation

It is hard to get into the shelter here(waiting list) especially with a teenage son. I did try last fall, no go.

I've managed to get some gas money, so I'm going to job service today to check things out.

tjp613

Do you have to be in a shelter there? You can transfer to a shelter in another area of the country if need be--women do it quite often.

Are you in DV counseling? Do you have the hotline numbers? You can call 24/7.