Tatertot

Hi All,

I only pop in here from time to time as I have no experience dealing with active addicts or alcoholics, so I usually have no advice to give to people going through such...

BUT I do love to share good news! So my bf that I have been dating for 5 months is celebrating 18 months of sobriety today! Yay! He is very strong in his commitment to his recovery and I do not see him relapsing at all.

I know many of you here were very concerned for me when I first discussed the possibility of dating this man, but I did follow my heart and gave him a chance. I am very happy that I did. I have had 5 very happy months together with him so far.

But I have not fooled myself into thinking that he is fully recovered and that we can go about having a "normal" relationship. I still keep my eyes open for any "signs" of relapse, but in all honesty I do trust him and I trust that he has quit for good. He knows what he needs to do to stay clean/sober and he does it. I do not interfere, I can only encourage. (And it works out anyway as I lead a very busy life and couldn't be there for him 24/7 anyway!)

So I know this isn't the typical post on this board, but I hope you can find it in yourselves to be happy for me. And you can rest assured that if it all goes to hell in a handbasket at least I was duly warned!!

Hugs,

T

Learn2Live

I am VERY happy for you! So glad everything is working out! Thanks for sharing.

Kindeyes

Tatertot
I am happy for you. Enjoy the "now" and don't worry about what may or may not happen in the future. Today he is sober and you are happy. And that's all good.

gentle hugs

Babyblue

Hi Tater! I remember you. Glad things are going well! Just keep doin what you're doing for yourself and remember that what happens to him isn't in your control.

Stay in touch!!!!

bb

Tatertot

Thanks gals... sometimes I just like to spread a little cheer

Wishing you all health and happiness as well!

Cyranoak

...and especially because you find yourself looking for signs of relapse which will eventually drive you insane, if you want your relationship to have a chance of continuing in this vein I highly suggest you take a considered look at Al-Anon, at least six meetings before you decide if it is right for you.

Think of it as buying a fire extinguisher before the fire. My wife was sober when we began dating, but for me the house had to burn down before I found Al-Anon because I am a very slow learner compounded by my not being good at learning from the mistakes of others and always trying to do things my way (even when it doesn't work). Perhaps if I'd been in Al-Anon there may have been no fire at all. I don't wish my experiences on anybody.

Take care and best wishes,

Cyranoak (a dude with an alcoholic wife currently in recovery)

P.s. Literally, during a drunken relapse she accidentally burned down the house. I could also tell you about my classic 1972 Mercedes 280SE she drove directly into a tree, totalling it. My favorite, though, was when I came home to find her systematically breaking each dish in the house. Alcoholics are fun!

Tatertot

Hi Cyranoak!

I actually did go to about 8 Al-anon meetings before I decided that they probably weren't for me. Maybe it's just the meeting I was able to go to, but as mentioned all the days of my week are eaten up by other commitments, and I went to the only group I could find on my free night.

It was interesting and all, but I found I just couldn't relate at all to any of the people there.... as I mentioned I don't have ANY experience with active addicts or alcoholics... my SO was already in recovery when I met him so I never knew him before. I just felt completely out of place. From what I hear I would gain more understanding and wisdom if I actually attended AA meetings with my SO. Unfortunately (for me) he is kind of a group leader of a bunch of guys in recovery who all go to the same meeting and he is the one that can drive the van they have access to, so he always drives them (there is no room for me in the van, which is ok). I might actually just drive myself there this week and meet him there, as I reallly have been wanting to go.

And sorry if I mis-led you, but I am not constantly on the lookout for signs of relapse, because as mentioned I do trust him completely and would never have entered this relationship if there was doubt in my heart... I just mean I know that it will never be a "normal" relationship... I understand that his continued recovery will always come first and I wouldn't have it any other way... but I am certainly not scouring his garbage bin for pill or alcohol bottles... I couldn't live with myself if I had to resort to that.

I wish you the best with your wife, glad to hear she is in recovery. I really hope it hits home with her.... and wishing you strength as you deal with it.

Hugs to you,

T

Tatertot

Hmm... sometimes it takes me a few hours to sort out my thoughts... but what I also meant by looking out for "signs" are things like if he was to suddenly start blowing off his AA meetings, or Bible studies, or gym workouts (things which I know are very important to his recovery) to spend more time with me. I wouldn't want that. I don't want him to become dependant on me for his recovery. He has to be accountable to only himself and his HP. I have made it very clear to him that if there is anything he needs to do to further his recovery even if it interferes slightly with plans we have already made then he needs to go ahead and do that. For example because of both of our work schedules we only have 1 day of the week that we can spend together (during the day) and he has on occaision been asked to be the "Human being" for someone else's step 5 and so we have had to adjust our plans. This is fine with me. I am very happy that he is someone that other people feel comfortable recommending for step 5's.

Anyway I hope that clarifies my point somewhat... I never meant looking for "signs" in the physical sense like rooting through his cupboards or trash... but more signs of a weakening mental state towards the importance of his recovery... if that makes any sense... LOL!

Anyway, I'll stop rambling now before you become even more confused!

Health and Happiness,

T

kdr143

congrats!!! good for you babe

Babyblue

I found al-anon meetings a bit much for me as well. But sometimes just being around others who have dealt with the crazy of the disease is a comfort in itself.

My only feedback would be that "IF" a relapse were to happen, the 'signs' may not be apparent to a non-alcoholic (normie). Particularly if you have never had personal experience with one in your life before. My RABF relapsed but there were no signs or cues I picked up on. Now looking back, yes, I see what the breakdown was. But it wasn't a dramatic or emotional event that triggered it. Nothing I could have seen would have predicted it or 'warned' me a relapse was looming. Nada, zip, zilch. He was thriving (or so I thought). There is no weakening mental state to identify. Every addict is different. It could be something as benign as passing by a bar they used to frequent and a trigger goes off. If there were signs then it would be much easier to prevent so many relapses from happening.

My point being, as much as we'd like to be able to support them, their recovery is theirs. I don't think I'd go to an AA meeting because to me, that is HIS work, his program. If he asked, sure but I stay as uninvolved as I can because I will start to think I know things when in fact, I don't. Never having been an addict myself, there was so much I didn't know and this has been a huge learning curve for me. The biggest lesson was his relapse.

Continue to be caring and supportive. The rest isn't in your scope or control, nor can you predict or prevent a relapse. Enjoy the now!!!

Tatertot

Hi BabyBlue! I hope things are still going well with your RABF... how long have you been together now?

I know you probably don't mean that we shouldn't support them (although that's what it sort of sounds like) because having the support of friends and family is very important to the RA. I support him by giving him the freedom to continue his recovery in any and all ways that are important/necessary to him. I support him by not demanding a monopoly of his time (just as I'm glad he doesn't demand mine...). And I support him by sharing in his joy in reaching these milestones. I wouldn't be a very good GF if I wasn't happy for him and if he couldn't share his joy in his recovery with me.

Also I have heard from others in my situation, as well as from my SO himself that attending AA meetings would probably be better for me (than Al-anon). He has told me he would love for me to go with him. I think I might see if I can go maybe once a month with him (I don't want to go ALL the time...).

And again I am not Al-anon bashing here... as I know it is an extremely valuable program for those that need it and it can offer people in tough situations a place to turn for comfort and understanding. However it might just be the group I found, but it was really quite a downer... every night I would listen to people's hard-luck, poor me stories and then when it got round to my turn to speak I would be uncomfortable because I would feel like "pardon me, I don't mean to bring UP the mood in the room, but I only have positive things to say..." It was like I was the odd one out by being HAPPY in my relationship... so I really didn't feel like it was doing me any good, in fact I found myself always leaving feeling much more depressed than when I got there (I always arrived in good spirits).... not exactly the kind of group that I think is healthy for me...

I also don't think it's wrong for us to get a little more info... of course we are not the experts on alcoholism or addiction, but it's nice if we can hold a decent conversation about it. I know I am somewhat informed on the ins and outs of addiciton and recovery because of my volunteer work for the past almost 7 years. This is helpful because then my SO and I can talk about it without him feeling like he is talking to a blank slate. Of course he knows more than I do, but at least I have a base of understanding to start from. I think it's good if we can discuss his recovery since it is a very big part of our relationship.

Anyway I really do hope all is going well with you. From what I remember you were dating your BF before he became an addict/alcoholic... and you are still together, so there must be something there worth holding on to.

Cheers and Hugs.

T

Mavis1

Awesome Tater, have a great time, stay in the NOW!!!

Cyranoak

...even though I'm not a big drinker. I feel I can learn at the meetings and better empathize with my wife by going to an AA meeting sometimes. I am glad now that I do it.

That said, while I have been to my wife's meetings I don't really like going with her. I feel too much like our programs are crossing over, I feel like my presence affects her interaction with the group, and I don't like it (even though she encourages me to come with her occasionally). That said, the first time I heard her self-describe as an alcoholic was at an AA meeting, and I almost cried when she said it (because it sounded like she meant it and I thought I'd never hear it).

To Al-Anon, I have been to groups with lots of complaining, I've been to groups with lots of recovery and feel very good, and I've been to groups that change from week to week. I find something in all of them, though there are groups that seemed to always be whiny that I quit attending at all. That's the thing-- they aren't all the same even though the steps are the same. I even go to a group every Friday that is hyper-Christian because I like the people and the feel of it, even though I believe all organized religions to be at their core fundamentally the same, I don't believe in God or any God-like entity, and my higher power is Al-Anon Groups. I just like it there.

Lastly, and in my opinion, nobody but nobody should be telling you that any given meeting would be better for you than any other meeting. When we do that to others, AA or Al-Anon, we have crossed the line into somebody else's business along with putting a value judgement out there. I can say that I think you may enjoy an AA or Al-Anon meeting, but I have no business telling you that one would be better for you than another. It's these subtle things that build up over time (small waves turning into big waves turning into title waves-- it may or may not happen, but it may be best to create as few small waves as possible-- just in case). Also, him saying it once or maybe even once in awhile can be considered him wanting to help, him saying it over and over is a clear sign of a possible control issue.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

Babyblue

Hi again Miz Taters... things are going well in one sense. Our relationship is deepening (in a healthy way). I guess it has been 9 months? But it has been a rocky time. He relapsed and I hit the wall emotionally. It was a very rude awakening to the reality of the disease. I'm glad your guy is doing great

I definately think you should support him. I am very supportive. I meant more like trying to get inside his head and think like he is because having no experience with addiction, I can read lots of things, think I 'know' things but in the end, I am only an observer in his recovery.

If he asked me to his AA meetings, sure I would go. But if he didn't then that is ok too. Part of it is my own boundary. I can't let his recovery consume mental energy on my part. I know myself and would become too preoccupied with his situation (preoccupied sounds so much more sane than obsessive but I think its the same thing.. ha).

I am glad things are working out for you both! You are giving me hope and yes we dated in college briefly long before he struggled with alcoholism, had the same friends etc. That is the part I think that helps us the most, a shared history. Gives me lots of patience for the not so fun stuff.

bb.

Summerpeach

It's still too early into this relationship to really see what "will be"
Go slow and maybe you don't need al anon now, but since his recovery is for life, there will be points where you won't understand his actions.
Recovery is not just about stopping the drink, it's about spiritual recovery.
Not drinking is only 1/100 of the issues with addicts.

All I can say is keep an opened mind. AA is NOT for you, it's for him. Though AA does help one understand the addict, it won't help you understand YOU and that's what Al Anon is for.

Good luck