lynnmarie

as of 10 am thismorning, my beautiful 21 year old alcholic daughter was finally arrested after 2 years of begging, pleading, enabling, her to get help, now she is up against, many charges from check fraud to leaving the seen, to false reporting, and many other things, i have a certain relief that she will live another day now, and a sobar day, yet i am sick to my stomach, and can barely move , i am in so much pain for her i can barely function.

anyone else go threw this? thankyou.

Learn2Live

Yes. Years of it with my brother.
And yes, going through it again with another brother, who was homeless for about a week but is now in jail as of yesterday.

You might want to take this opportunity to get to an Al-Anon meeting; it will help bring you peace of mind. And keep reading and posting here.

Jadmack25

No, thank God I haven't, but having 3 daughters, my heart goes out to you for the pain in yours. Keeping you both in my prayers. Alanon and SR can help as L2L says.

Daybreak

Yes, with the youngest of my three daughters. She is not an alcoholic, but she has had psychiatric issues since adolescence. My heart stopped when my sister called me to tell me she had been arrested. That's when the pain started and it didn't end for six months. She got probation for some very serious charges. I will pray for your daughter to be shocked into believing and doing whatever she needs to -- and that she, too, will get probation - under conditions that compel her to go through rehab. My daughter was about the same age as yours is when this happened, now that I think about it. I can tell you this --- she was definitely scared straight. It's going to be rough for you -- you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Nothing rips your guts out like your baby girl on the phone, scared and sobbing in jail. Nothing

Freedom1990

Yes, I have, lynnmarie. I have a 32 year old daughter who's been incarcerated several times, the longest one was for felony drug charges.

I highly encourage you to get some support for yourself through all of this.

Are you attending Alanon? If not, please check into meetings in your area. There you will find face-to-face support among those who understand.

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent starter book.

Also take the time to read through some of the 'sticky' topics posted at the top of this forum to educate yourself on alcoholism.

I am also a recovering alcoholic myself, and I can tell you my parents were my best enablers. I didn't have to suffer the consequences of so many choices because they cushioned the fall for me.

I will not enable my alcoholic daughter. I give her the dignity to make her own choices, no matter how poor they may be.

Please keep posting, and know that you are among friends.

Cyranoak

...but this may be the best thing to ever happenned to her. Everyone has different bottoms, and different experiences, and this may or may not be your daughter's. Be cautiously optimistic and not too hopeful because your daughter may have a ways to go, but my wife's arrest was the best thing ever! Nothing, and I mean nothing else, no matter how horrible, changed her behavior.

The next best thing ever was I actually had the stones to not bail her out or help her in any way. I thank seven years of Al-Anon for that. Before I would have enabled the hell out of her and rushed right in to "save the day." I'm pretty sure had I done that I'd have completely messed up any chance she had to deal with it on her own, and experience the consequences of her actions.

On her own, not because of me, not because of our teen daughter, and not under court order she has been sober and actively engaged in recovery since that day. I thought I'd never see it. I had already given up and mentally distanced myself from her.

Alcoholism is a wicked, twisted, sneaky disease and there is no guarantee my wife will not drink again, but the last few months of sobriety and recovery have been the best in years. She looks beautiful again, acts like "her" again, and I enjoy being with her almost all of the time. It appears she also likes me.

I'll take each of these days, each and every one, one day at a time.

Cyranoak

lynnmarie

thanku to everyone that posted, i was up all night trying to figure out if i should call a attorney today , again,
IM NOT, this little girl, sorry , young woman, has been in the hospital 4 times for alcohole, i thought of her sleeping it that cell all night, she cant sleep unless its her own bed, it made me sick, but as of sunday i got her out of a detox and well, by yesterday, drunk and jail, she really really is a heartfelt young lady that is very very sick, do u think i should at least talk to a attorney about a manditory rehab, or just stay out of it, she is also being charged with writing bad checks to a liquore store.

thanks to all, i feel i can at least head to work today.

Learn2Live

Do you know the serenity prayer? It appears at the bottom of all of my posts. It has helped me to see that no matter how hard I try, there are just some things I cannot control. Someone else's alcoholism is one of those things. I have also had to realize how I enable alcoholics and addicts to continue their sick behavior, by messing with the natural consequences of their actions. I recommend not getting involved, allowing things to play out, and AlAnon.

nodaybut2day

Ask yourself this: what will an attorney and mandatory rehab do for someone who is not ready to help herself? Taking that kind of actions speaks of a desire to manipulate or force recovery on your daughter.

There are times when it is useful to stop, do nothing and listen. HP will lead the way. Your daughter has been arrested and charged. If you don't interfere, she may well go to jail. Have you considered that this is what HP has planned for her so that she can have the opportunity to find recovery FOR HERSELF?

Daybreak

You go by your own instincts, lynnmarie.

Cyranoak

I agree in the context that it is your decision.

I strongly disagree in that our instincts frequently are the reason we are having trouble in the first place. For example, my instinct is to always "save" my daughter and wife. By doing that for several years I disempowered and enabled both, and with very bad results to show for it.

It is my opinion that lynnmarie do nothing. At all. I have been here with my wife, and I'm fairly certain I'll be here with my daughter. It's your daugter's business now lynnmarie, not yours. You are in a hole. Stop digging.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Daybreak

Your instincts are more sound than anyone here on this board who does not know you and does not know your daughter. You hang around here long enough and you'll discover a good many posters advise you do act as they themselves are not actually acting.

Spiritual Seeker

(((((((((((((lynnmarie))))))))))))))))))
I have friends who spent a lot of money of attorneys to get their AD out of jail and into
a very expensive 18 mos. of rehab. Although she spent 8 mos. in jail waiting before rehab in the process.
Today she is doing well and sticking close to her AA program. She graduated college in 09.

I have another friend who did the same for AS. His son stayed sober 2 yrs. and then relapsed and ended back in jail. Now he is living in a sober house.

Luckily both are alive and still making efforts at recovery.

If your daughter sincerely wants help, I would intervene at the level you can afford. Your daughter is worth it.

lynnmarie

this morning there is video court for my child to answer to her crimes, all alcohole related, she called many times from jail yesterday, i finally could not take it and answered, i could here the panic and desperation in her voice, i will not bail her out, but do i even go to the video confrence, i want to see that she is ok, just see her, she begged me to be there. do i go, i so respect all of your opionions! what would you do?

Pelican

If it were my alcoholic daughter in jail, I would go to the video hearing.

I would want to listen to the sentence and conditions of probation.
I would want to hear it from the judge.

My reason for wanting to hear it for myself, would be to protect myself from the manipulation and lies if my daughter tries to skip out on terms of probation by saying things like: "the judge said if I do x,y,z then I can ______"

I've fallen for alcoholic logic before.

Still Waters

I would go.

Cyranoak

we don't know lynnmarie well enough to know her instincts-- there is no way for you to know if her instincts are sound, though they may be. They may also be like mine and, if so and if she follows them, I sure hope she has the opposite experiences I have had. My pure instincts around helping almost always lead me down the wrong road. Today, what I try to do when I feel an instinct telling me to do or not do something is simply pause, think about it, put it in an Al-Anon context, then make a decision and hope for the best.

It's never easy for me to figure out a healthy level of support and helping for my wife and daughter. I struggle with it almost always, and frequently question the decisions I make right after I make them. Nonetheless, I have to make them, including if I should attend my wife's hearings (which I did and I'm glad I did), bail her out (which I did not and I'm glad I did not), buy her a car (which I did and don't regret), pay her insurance and maintenance on said car (which I did and now regret).

It's never easy, and I agree with your post in that you infer before we give actual advice or make blanket statements we really should know people better, but that includes the blanket statement to always trust your instincts.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

--Cyranoak

Daybreak

Cyranoak, you are taking my comments more personally than I intended them. I agree that we don't know about anyone else's instincts and to recommend going with them is of dubious merit. You are also quite right about our not knowing much about the OP. Nevertheless, it'll be a cold day in hell before I will take advice from people who don't know me or my situation OVER my own gut feelings and my own analysis of the facts --- which was pretty much my only point originally. Personally, I think it is very codie -- mistrust of self and dependence on others who may or may not be good resources.

Cyranoak

...and it's because "trust your instincts" does not work for me. I agree 100 percent with you about taking advice from people who don't know you, and feel the same about giving it for that matter. Sometimes I have to be even more careful with people who do know me in terms of giving and getting advice, because I sometimes use that as an excuse to deviate from my rules of engagement.

Gut feeling plus analysis? That is what I'm a believer in. It's when I leave the analysis part out that things seem to go to h. e. double hockeysticks.

Thanks for calling me on that. It's very much appreciated.

Cyranoak

Daybreak

Gawd, I love harmony.