Why Is Jealousy The Only Feeling I Have Left?
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Why Is Jealousy The Only Feeling I Have Left?
I honestly feel dead inside - when it comes to him - and as a matter of fact, when it comes to anything. It seems as though I have become apathetic toward almost everyone and everything. This once caring being feels like a shell. There's a very protective shield around my heart - which in a sense - is a relief from being the person who used to be so easily 'affected', but it's not 'living'.
I had a DREAM last night and in it he was doing something 'out of the ordinary' which is a clue that he's up to something. He's an excellent liar, but I'm able to tell by his actions when something is going on. He's cheated on me in the past, and I found him one night 'fooling around' with my sister, when they were both falling down drunk (as well as other 'indiscretions' along the way).
In the dream, he tells me that he was going to this bar where this woman he is interested in hangs out, but she is very shy. It was the 'she is very shy' part that really got to me. Like I was a friend and he was telling me about this women he wanted to get to know better. I tell him 'that's great - I'll be seeing a lawyer about ending this once and for all' and I feel so good about that now having a 'solid' reason to finally leave him (which has happened in the past) and then I find myself WAKING UP from this dream with tears in my eyes.
I realize that I'm only able to care when there could be someone else involved, and that may be the only thing that has kept me from leaving (when I had the perfect opportunity). I know it sounds so wrong but it seems to have sparked the only feelings that I have left, and I realize that I still CAN feel. On one hand, I couldn't blame him for wanting to find compassion somewhere else, because I'm not able to be compassionate toward him after all I've been through with him. I can't sleep with him, I'm disgusted with his drunkenness, and he 'rakes me across the coals' almost nightly, which makes me feel extreme hatred toward him.
I know jealousy is NOT love, but when I do feel it, it seems to spark some good feelings I still have left for him, and then I'm able to remember what they are. Perhaps its that I can only feel love for him during the times when he's LEAVING ME ALONE and focused somewhere else for a change.
I'm trying to understand this more, because I almost wish he'd do it one more time. I'm ready the next time, and would leave - even though I should have gone a long time ago. It's not that it's the only good reason for my leaving. It's the only reason that HE would believe I had. (but of course each time that it really happened in the past, I was so vulnerable that I accepted the apology and allowed myself to be drawn back into the insanity, just because I was so relieved).
I had a DREAM last night and in it he was doing something 'out of the ordinary' which is a clue that he's up to something. He's an excellent liar, but I'm able to tell by his actions when something is going on. He's cheated on me in the past, and I found him one night 'fooling around' with my sister, when they were both falling down drunk (as well as other 'indiscretions' along the way).
In the dream, he tells me that he was going to this bar where this woman he is interested in hangs out, but she is very shy. It was the 'she is very shy' part that really got to me. Like I was a friend and he was telling me about this women he wanted to get to know better. I tell him 'that's great - I'll be seeing a lawyer about ending this once and for all' and I feel so good about that now having a 'solid' reason to finally leave him (which has happened in the past) and then I find myself WAKING UP from this dream with tears in my eyes.
I realize that I'm only able to care when there could be someone else involved, and that may be the only thing that has kept me from leaving (when I had the perfect opportunity). I know it sounds so wrong but it seems to have sparked the only feelings that I have left, and I realize that I still CAN feel. On one hand, I couldn't blame him for wanting to find compassion somewhere else, because I'm not able to be compassionate toward him after all I've been through with him. I can't sleep with him, I'm disgusted with his drunkenness, and he 'rakes me across the coals' almost nightly, which makes me feel extreme hatred toward him.
I know jealousy is NOT love, but when I do feel it, it seems to spark some good feelings I still have left for him, and then I'm able to remember what they are. Perhaps its that I can only feel love for him during the times when he's LEAVING ME ALONE and focused somewhere else for a change.
I'm trying to understand this more, because I almost wish he'd do it one more time. I'm ready the next time, and would leave - even though I should have gone a long time ago. It's not that it's the only good reason for my leaving. It's the only reason that HE would believe I had. (but of course each time that it really happened in the past, I was so vulnerable that I accepted the apology and allowed myself to be drawn back into the insanity, just because I was so relieved).
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For me, waiting on someone's else's possible actions before I made a decision and took action was miserable.
I essentially gave that person control over my life.
I won't ever put myself in that position again.
Today, I am in charge of my own life.
I essentially gave that person control over my life.
I won't ever put myself in that position again.
Today, I am in charge of my own life.
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Yes Freedom - it IS like waiting for them to create the out ... and I was so vulnerable in many ways back then that I am not now (financially - applying for disability, and uncertain). Now that I am ready for the opportunity, it's like he can sense my inner strength and it will not happen. It is the ONLY way that I know he would let me go without a fight, though. I could kick myself for not seizing the opportunity before, regardless of the potential unknown consequences!
As far as he's concerned it is part of the past - but it's still very much a part of my present ... apparently!
As far as he's concerned it is part of the past - but it's still very much a part of my present ... apparently!
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Mine didn't let me go without a fight either, but I left him anyway.
Was it hard? You bet. That was back before caller ID was available, and so I would always answer the phone. He would beat me up emotionally over the phone, and I'd be in a tailspin for days.
My sponsor suggested to me that I could hang up on him. What a concept!
That is what I started doing, and it was so hard. Each time that I did it though, it did get easier.
He finally got the message.
Sadly I did not work on my codependency issues after I left him because I thought leaving him would solve everything. It didn't.
I spent the next 13 years engaging in unhealthy toxic relationships, rationalizing that they weren't like 'him.'
Thank God today I have a program of recovery for myself.
I no settle for less than what I deserve just for the sake of a warm body beside me at night, and a man in my life.
I've been sans a man in my life for over 11 years now, by choice, and it's good.
Sending you hugs on the Kansas breezes today.
Was it hard? You bet. That was back before caller ID was available, and so I would always answer the phone. He would beat me up emotionally over the phone, and I'd be in a tailspin for days.
My sponsor suggested to me that I could hang up on him. What a concept!
That is what I started doing, and it was so hard. Each time that I did it though, it did get easier.
He finally got the message.
Sadly I did not work on my codependency issues after I left him because I thought leaving him would solve everything. It didn't.
I spent the next 13 years engaging in unhealthy toxic relationships, rationalizing that they weren't like 'him.'
Thank God today I have a program of recovery for myself.
I no settle for less than what I deserve just for the sake of a warm body beside me at night, and a man in my life.
I've been sans a man in my life for over 11 years now, by choice, and it's good.
Sending you hugs on the Kansas breezes today.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
if you figure this out, would you let me know?
i have felt the exact same way, like i can't stand him, don't want to see him but the moment he starts seeing someone else, all the yearning comes rushing back.
maybe it's a control thing on our part? that's what it feels like to me. as in i can blank him, be absolutely disgusted with him and that's my choice. then, when he goes with someone else, i want to exercise my control over him again?
whatever it is, it doesn't feel healthy.
i have felt the exact same way, like i can't stand him, don't want to see him but the moment he starts seeing someone else, all the yearning comes rushing back.
maybe it's a control thing on our part? that's what it feels like to me. as in i can blank him, be absolutely disgusted with him and that's my choice. then, when he goes with someone else, i want to exercise my control over him again?
whatever it is, it doesn't feel healthy.
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Thank you for taking the time to come back from 'where you once were' to describe what life is like when one no longer has to deal with this. I can't even imagine - yet dreaming about that place seems to get me through. I love your name and the clarity with which you are able to put everything so simply.
I, too, used to think there was nothing worse than being alone, and I now no longer believe that. Acknowledging that is a huge step for me, but I'm still not there yet.
I, too, used to think there was nothing worse than being alone, and I now no longer believe that. Acknowledging that is a huge step for me, but I'm still not there yet.
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Originally Posted by naive 
whatever it is, it doesn't feel healthy.
A jug fills drop by drop
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tryingtosmile,
I have felt the same way, XABF flirting with someone else right there while we were still together-ugh- then going out with her right away and inviting her to our office, placing a pic of them in his place, moving out with her, they are still together...
I have felt so much jealousy, envy, anger towards both of them. How can they be laughing and going to beaches and having fun??? and drink with what were OUR friends?? how could they be happy when I have been miserable all the time???
It is a horrible feeling.
When I feel that I read the following article:
Dependency - Relationship
Dependency - Relationship
I posted this a while ago:
################################################## ########
I thought I was alone and no one would get me but those links see it all as a pathology for alkie and codie. It helps to see the psychology behind it, at least in my experience it all fits.
Addicts seek others right away because the addiction can't go on if there is room for introspection.
who will invite the drink?
who will "make it normal"?
who will smile at him now?
who will distract him from his pain?
who will satisfy his immediate needs?
who will put him on a pedestal now and make him feel good about herself?
who will drive when he can't stand up?
Yes the addict I met once also traded all the ppl that cared for a younger "party" crowd, and also we were treated by enemies, it was all messed up and certainly I don't miss that hell.
Been NC a year and a half.
I decided to stay at my job, so, I often see the guy or overhear him, sometimes actually interact.
A year and a half later he still boasts about how much beer he is able to drink.
A year and a half later he still can't look me at the eye when I pass.
A year and a half later: his friends say he is becoming more responsible because he managed not to arrive drunk to work at 9 am a couple of days.
Its just alcoholism and its progression and its out of anyone's control. I learned this in SR and reading the stickies. And it gets much easier, the first weeks months or years..... it is horrible but once one start seeing the truth it gets much better!!!!
Personally I have always chosen unavailable ppl for this or that. .Now I am seeing a relation in honesty and see many many things I still got to fix within myself.
I still feel strange accepting good things in my life. Anyway once you start the focus on yourself you'll realize there is much work to do and much to experiment and much to learn, and what alkies or ex's do stops being important or relevant, it happens organically, no extra efforts needed. Anyway its also boring, they are in a bar drinking feeling like the Gods and Goddesses of this Universe. How special and unique they are and how no one gets them. Dying a little every night. And morning like XABF.
There are ppl that suffer horrible diseases at 38. Sometimes I wonder if XABF perhaps has 10 more years to live given his constant abuse? when I feel angry or want revenge I just remember: we will all die someday. When we are after God in the next life..what we made others feel... because God habitates in all of us...
That is why we need to improve, because each day and word and thought and action towards others or ourselves is like our daily offering to God....
Anyway I wish you the best and it gets better. And its true no one ever will replace you as a human in this planet, so stop thinking its even possible
PS to be "elected" by a worsening alcoholic is seldom a compliment, its like they can identify easy pray or someone naive enough to buy their particularly exquisite acting skills. I wish they all went to Hollywood and made good movies instead of wreak havoc anywhere they go. But no, poor Californians.
Current partners of our ex's today are the SR newbies of tomorrow.
__________________
################################################## #########
I have felt the same way, XABF flirting with someone else right there while we were still together-ugh- then going out with her right away and inviting her to our office, placing a pic of them in his place, moving out with her, they are still together...
I have felt so much jealousy, envy, anger towards both of them. How can they be laughing and going to beaches and having fun??? and drink with what were OUR friends?? how could they be happy when I have been miserable all the time???
It is a horrible feeling.
When I feel that I read the following article:
Dependency - Relationship
Dependency - Relationship
I posted this a while ago:
################################################## ########
I thought I was alone and no one would get me but those links see it all as a pathology for alkie and codie. It helps to see the psychology behind it, at least in my experience it all fits.
Addicts seek others right away because the addiction can't go on if there is room for introspection.
who will invite the drink?
who will "make it normal"?
who will smile at him now?
who will distract him from his pain?
who will satisfy his immediate needs?
who will put him on a pedestal now and make him feel good about herself?
who will drive when he can't stand up?
Yes the addict I met once also traded all the ppl that cared for a younger "party" crowd, and also we were treated by enemies, it was all messed up and certainly I don't miss that hell.
Been NC a year and a half.
I decided to stay at my job, so, I often see the guy or overhear him, sometimes actually interact.
A year and a half later he still boasts about how much beer he is able to drink.
A year and a half later he still can't look me at the eye when I pass.
A year and a half later: his friends say he is becoming more responsible because he managed not to arrive drunk to work at 9 am a couple of days.
Its just alcoholism and its progression and its out of anyone's control. I learned this in SR and reading the stickies. And it gets much easier, the first weeks months or years..... it is horrible but once one start seeing the truth it gets much better!!!!
Personally I have always chosen unavailable ppl for this or that. .Now I am seeing a relation in honesty and see many many things I still got to fix within myself.
I still feel strange accepting good things in my life. Anyway once you start the focus on yourself you'll realize there is much work to do and much to experiment and much to learn, and what alkies or ex's do stops being important or relevant, it happens organically, no extra efforts needed. Anyway its also boring, they are in a bar drinking feeling like the Gods and Goddesses of this Universe. How special and unique they are and how no one gets them. Dying a little every night. And morning like XABF.
There are ppl that suffer horrible diseases at 38. Sometimes I wonder if XABF perhaps has 10 more years to live given his constant abuse? when I feel angry or want revenge I just remember: we will all die someday. When we are after God in the next life..what we made others feel... because God habitates in all of us...
That is why we need to improve, because each day and word and thought and action towards others or ourselves is like our daily offering to God....
Anyway I wish you the best and it gets better. And its true no one ever will replace you as a human in this planet, so stop thinking its even possible
PS to be "elected" by a worsening alcoholic is seldom a compliment, its like they can identify easy pray or someone naive enough to buy their particularly exquisite acting skills. I wish they all went to Hollywood and made good movies instead of wreak havoc anywhere they go. But no, poor Californians.
Current partners of our ex's today are the SR newbies of tomorrow.
__________________
################################################## #########
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Now that I am in therapy I have realized everything comes from a low sense of self worth. Thus comparisons.
A bamboo can't be compared to an elm tree. Both are needed and created by God/HP. It is incredibly disrespectful to compare us to someone else.
On one hand, I couldn't blame him for wanting to find compassion somewhere else, because I'm not able to be compassionate toward him after all I've been through with him. I can't sleep with him, I'm disgusted with his drunkenness
Note how everything is about him and his needs. That is not a real partnership, is it? like the article says, its more like a vampire/hostage situation!
What active alkies are looking for is not compassion. Compassion is a human feeling. Compassion is constructive. What an active alkie is looking for is for someone to keep alive their addiction, in so many subtle, and more tangible ways. Someone to feed their insanity. It is good news you are no longer playing that role.
I wouldn't be able to sleep with a drunk person either. I was also disgusted by .. well, everything. If someone else is willing to be drained lifeless by an alkie, I truly feel sorry for them and I wish no more women felt so empty to think what they offer has anyyhing to do with love at all.
Dreams and nightmares are healing. Maybe you feel jealousy now, but it will change and you will feel something else later. I have felt many more constructive feelings since I go to therapy. Like compassion- true compassion, for myself. I was given the homework to see pictures of myself while little. As a baby even... this is an innocent baby girl. She is so incredibly worthwhile of everything that is good. I have put her through horrible stuff, but no more. She does not deserve my torture. Now that I am reconciling with her I feel stronger, and better able to receive all what is good in this life.... like the knowledge I am unique and deserve joy and no one else is allowed to define how valuable I am.... only God/HP has that power. Not a sick human out there destroying others in his fast convoluted race towards death. Nope.
He can stay away and do whatever with whoever. None of that is the love and the peace that is my birthright.
If I could tell you how peaceful it is now - I am confined to bed for a while, listening to a bird sing. The sun shines through my window. It is so perfect and calm. A deep breath- I am complete.
A bamboo can't be compared to an elm tree. Both are needed and created by God/HP. It is incredibly disrespectful to compare us to someone else.
On one hand, I couldn't blame him for wanting to find compassion somewhere else, because I'm not able to be compassionate toward him after all I've been through with him. I can't sleep with him, I'm disgusted with his drunkenness
Note how everything is about him and his needs. That is not a real partnership, is it? like the article says, its more like a vampire/hostage situation!
What active alkies are looking for is not compassion. Compassion is a human feeling. Compassion is constructive. What an active alkie is looking for is for someone to keep alive their addiction, in so many subtle, and more tangible ways. Someone to feed their insanity. It is good news you are no longer playing that role.
I wouldn't be able to sleep with a drunk person either. I was also disgusted by .. well, everything. If someone else is willing to be drained lifeless by an alkie, I truly feel sorry for them and I wish no more women felt so empty to think what they offer has anyyhing to do with love at all.
Dreams and nightmares are healing. Maybe you feel jealousy now, but it will change and you will feel something else later. I have felt many more constructive feelings since I go to therapy. Like compassion- true compassion, for myself. I was given the homework to see pictures of myself while little. As a baby even... this is an innocent baby girl. She is so incredibly worthwhile of everything that is good. I have put her through horrible stuff, but no more. She does not deserve my torture. Now that I am reconciling with her I feel stronger, and better able to receive all what is good in this life.... like the knowledge I am unique and deserve joy and no one else is allowed to define how valuable I am.... only God/HP has that power. Not a sick human out there destroying others in his fast convoluted race towards death. Nope.
He can stay away and do whatever with whoever. None of that is the love and the peace that is my birthright.
If I could tell you how peaceful it is now - I am confined to bed for a while, listening to a bird sing. The sun shines through my window. It is so perfect and calm. A deep breath- I am complete.
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
tryingtosmile,
to be "elected" by a worsening alcoholic is seldom a compliment, its like they can identify easy pray or someone naive enough to buy their particularly exquisite acting skills. I wish they all went to Hollywood and made good movies instead of wreak havoc anywhere they go. But no, poor Californians.
Current partners of our ex's today are the SR newbies of tomorrow.
__________________
################################################## #########
to be "elected" by a worsening alcoholic is seldom a compliment, its like they can identify easy pray or someone naive enough to buy their particularly exquisite acting skills. I wish they all went to Hollywood and made good movies instead of wreak havoc anywhere they go. But no, poor Californians.
Current partners of our ex's today are the SR newbies of tomorrow.
__________________
################################################## #########
Note how everything is about him and his needs. That is not a real partnership, is it? like the article says, its more like a vampire/hostage situation!
What active alkies are looking for is not compassion. Compassion is a human feeling. Compassion is constructive. What an active alkie is looking for is for someone to keep alive their addiction, in so many subtle, and more tangible ways. Someone to feed their insanity. It is good news you are no longer playing that role.
TakingCharge - Thanks! YES - the fact that I refuse to sleep with him every time he's drunk - which is every night is causing me much grief. He wants ME to change and says if I did that maybe he'd quit drinking. It's a lose/lose situation, but I'm not going to give in to that, which makes my nights more difficult than they'd have to be. He's normal until he gets drunk, and it's like clockwork. I know exactly what to expect and when to expect it.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
He wants ME to change and says if I did that maybe he'd quit drinking.
That is blackmail and is very demeaning, good for you for not giving in to that.
Also I am sure even if you gave in, he would find something else he wants you to do, and he would just keep drinking. Very very sad.
Are you open to seeking therapy for yourself? that is the one thing, that makes me stronger. There is much hope for a better life and when a bf was pushy like that (not even alcohol was involved) I put the key in one of the rooms and grabbed a sleeping bag and he would get mad but afterwards he would leave me alone. Afterwards I was able to get him to live somewhere else, and I changeed the keys. He got angry but now I feel great, no one will ever open my apartment and ask me for anything anymore. I was afraid of this loneliness but I am way more peaceful, rest when I need, cook what and when I want, clean when I am able to do so, talk to my family, care for my pets, and no one is demeaning me... nor my body or my soul............ sometimes one is used to that, growing up, but our gift as adults is that we can choose and live differently. Then the tears become tears of gratitude.
((hugs))
That is blackmail and is very demeaning, good for you for not giving in to that.
Also I am sure even if you gave in, he would find something else he wants you to do, and he would just keep drinking. Very very sad.
Are you open to seeking therapy for yourself? that is the one thing, that makes me stronger. There is much hope for a better life and when a bf was pushy like that (not even alcohol was involved) I put the key in one of the rooms and grabbed a sleeping bag and he would get mad but afterwards he would leave me alone. Afterwards I was able to get him to live somewhere else, and I changeed the keys. He got angry but now I feel great, no one will ever open my apartment and ask me for anything anymore. I was afraid of this loneliness but I am way more peaceful, rest when I need, cook what and when I want, clean when I am able to do so, talk to my family, care for my pets, and no one is demeaning me... nor my body or my soul............ sometimes one is used to that, growing up, but our gift as adults is that we can choose and live differently. Then the tears become tears of gratitude.
((hugs))
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
one sec, how is this jealousy! This is not jealous, he's already cheated on you. This action has created low self worth and neediness.
Cheating is abuse.
If he never cheated and was an upstanding guy who was trustworthy and you still felt like this, then this is jealousy
I left my ex as soon as he cheated. No way I was going to live that way
Cheating is abuse.
If he never cheated and was an upstanding guy who was trustworthy and you still felt like this, then this is jealousy
I left my ex as soon as he cheated. No way I was going to live that way
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Originally Posted by tryintosmile
Thank you for taking the time to come back from 'where you once were' to describe what life is like when one no longer has to deal with this. I can't even imagine - yet dreaming about that place seems to get me through. I love your name and the clarity with which you are able to put everything so simply.
I, too, used to think there was nothing worse than being alone, and I now no longer believe that. Acknowledging that is a huge step for me, but I'm still not there yet.
I, too, used to think there was nothing worse than being alone, and I now no longer believe that. Acknowledging that is a huge step for me, but I'm still not there yet.
I think God wept a lot of tears during those years I kept settling for less than what I deserved.
But he loved me enough to let me flail and continue making a mess out of my life.
Once I made that solid commitment to find recovery from codependency, I think God smiled.
There have been rough times for sure, but I don't regret for a single moment making that decision.
I get up in the mornings and start my coffee. The house is quiet. I get out my daily meditation books after I let the dogs out in the back yard.
I read. I meditate. I watch the dogs out the window, my silly 80 pound greyhound cutting a racetrack of his own in the back yard. My little boxer/JRT is busy wrestling with my 7 month puppy. My little old lady Shiloh, soon to be 13, is usually the first one back in, and lays under my desk.
Then I get the college books out and get to work. I took the plunge at 50 years of age to finally enroll full-time in college, and next spring I will graduate with two associate degrees.
Today I live. I no longer just survive.
Wow Freedom! It's great that you don't spend your life on regrets. I'm sure that even after I am out - that will take some time. You are the most amazing inspiration that it's never too late. 
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