seekingcalm

hi,
I have not seen or spoken to my exabf for almost 3 months. Couple of emails in that time...I have asked to be left alone to work on myself. He seems to be sober, less than 1 year now, and working his program. That's a good thing, and I want to leave him to it, as I know that when we are involved, he focusses on our relationship, and me to the detriment of his own recovery.

And I have a lot of work to do...I love being alone, and I am working with my therapist to heal, and understand myself and my relationships for the first time in my life, and I am no youngster.

That said, my exabf sent me a copy of Melody Beattie's "Lessons of Love". I have not opened it yet. I see many of you talk about "Codependent No More", which I have not yet read. But this one is unfamiliar.

Here goes my question:

Is this a manipulation? Or is this a good read for a woman learning how to tell when it is the right time to take action, and when it is time to let go and let God.

I have always had a great amount of self confidence...I know I deserve better. This man loves me, he is working on himself, and he wants another chance. I am not ready to go there no matter what. This time is for me. And I won't know that I have had enough of it until I know I have had enough of it.

Thank you all so much, for your wisdom. And for sharing your sorrows, and triumphs, and just being here every day. Thank you from the bottom of my healing heart

laurie6781

J M H O

But that is PURE MANIPULATION on his part.

Read "Co Dependent No More". Highlight what pops out at you. Then read it again and Highlight with a different color and so on.

You really need to keep working on YOUR own recovery for now. Some Al-Anon would help also, as Face to Face with others who have been where you are or are where are can be so cathartic!

Please, for your own recovery, just put it up on a shelf for now. Some day will be a very helpful read for you, but I M H O not now.

Love and hugs,

wicked

Yes, when I read that he sent you that book, I felt a little squicky inside.
(i am not sure what that means, but not good)
manipulation. do what laurie says. I agree.

Beth

Still Waters

I've not read that one.....so I defer to those who have.

Even though I haven't read it, I think it's odd for him to send you something like that - since he should be concentrating on HIS recovery...not yours.

Freedom1990

Squicky = squirmy + icky, perhaps? I like it!

I co-sign on the assessment of manipulation, and also reading "Codependent No More" with the aid of a highlighter each time (I have a container of highlighters at my desk for such things).

Still Waters

I loaned my copy of CNM to a gal who had left her AH and was really in bad shape. She never gave it back.

I hope it helped her

TatliGuzelim

It's a worthwhile read. I concur with the others about manipulation. Sounds like he's minding your business while he should be minding his.

Babyblue

Wow lots of fast reactions here and I'm at a loss as to why this is seen as blatant manipulation? I'm a person who believes that people do deserve forgiveness and the ability to try to right the wrongs they have made. Not saying AT ALL to get back with him. You sound quite happy to be on your own but there is some letting go that needs to happen I think. Letting go of some resentment I mean. I dunno, that is just my take on this.

Summerpeach

I agree with this.
I don't know this man personally, but when I read it my first thought was "He was thinking of you and it was nice that he sent you a book"
I used to send/gives books to my ex all the time. In fact, I still send books to friends all the time
It's not about manipluation, but about sharing recovery.

Not every "bump in the night" is the boogie man, you know what I mean!

seekingcalm

Thank you all for you responses. I had mixed feelings about receiving it, and I suppose it doesn't matter what his motives were, if he had any. What matters is what I do, and I am going to say thank you for sharing, and stay on my side of the street for now.

seekingcalm

And I am going to get myself a copy of "Codependent No More" and a big fat highlighter to go with it today.

Kindeyes

I haven't read that book but anything by Melody Beattie is worth reading.

I cannot speculate on the intentions behind sending the book. Personally, I would accept it as a gift and not overthink the intentions behind it.

gentle hugs

smacked

She asked to be left alone..

Cyranoak

...and you are defending it which makes me concerned for you and your resolve. What could have possibly motivated the sending of the book? Just thinking of you? Because he loves you? Because he wants you back? Because (fill in the blank).

It doesn't matter. None of those answers matter. The time and thinking he spent acquiring the book, sending the book, and the content of the book can be only one thing. It's not flowers, it's not chocolates, it's not a small thoughtful gift, and it's not a card. It's a friggen' self-help book! It's focusing on your program instead of his! It's him being in your business!

Good God. My AW used to do this all the time and it's common alcoholic behavior (and it is also common Al-Anon, Co-Dependant, manipulative behavior). That, and only that, is why you have "lots of fast reactions... ...as to why this is blatent manipulation."

I'm still with my wife and love her truly and deeply after 12 years of our struggle together, but my wife no longer gets me books, or makes suggestions to me as to how I interact with, engage, and participate in my recovery. I give her back the same respect and gift. When we slip (and we do occasionally) we call each other on the behavior immediately and ruthlessly. No more bull**** with each other, overlooking things, or pretending it didn't happen. Brutal honesty. For us, it is only in this way we can be together. Drives our daughter crazy.

Cyranoak

seekingcalm

It is true...I asked to be left alone; he really should not have sent the book. And he shouldn't send flowers, or chocolates, or anything else either.

I did look through the book last night, and it's about getting over past hurts and not being afraid to let people in.

But he did hurt me deeply, and I am afraid to let him back in. And I know he would like me to get over that, although he always creeps in to my life in the nicest ways, so you can't get mad at someone who is just being thoughtful, right?

And I am not going to do so, no matter how much I love or have loved him. I am doing ok on my own. And whatever behaviour of mine contributed to the roller coaster I had been on for the past several years, I am off that ride, and trying to learn how to take better care of myself.

Cyranoak

...and this is how we stay on the roller coaster instead of getting off. It's proof his sending the book was successful in manipulating your thoughts and feelings. This thinking right here:

You don't have to be mad at him. It's not about mad. It's about you, your recovery, and your right to lead a happy life with or without an alcoholic.

Be strong, don't fall for the manipulative BS, and get thee to an Al-Anon meeting! Several of them!

Lastly, in my opinion it is best to remember that nobody but nobody is as clever, manipulative, and decietful than an addict or alcoholic except perhaps psycopaths. And, more often than not, they cloak it in "loving care."

Cyranoak

Babyblue

I knew that my response wouldn't be one of popularity but "We" all come from different perspectives, walks of life and experiences. As do the addicts in our lives.

I was only expressing how I read it and what my take would be. Peace and love y'all.

seekingcalm

Got my copy of Codependent No More, about time...opened it while on the check out line, and the first sentence somewhere in the middle of the book at the top of one of the pages, jumped out at me, and brought me back to that terrible time.

It said that codependents often think about suicide. The only time in my entire life I ever thought of suicide was during the short time I lived with my exabf. I only realize now just how horrible that all was. I am so grateful to be getting back to myself.

Will sit down with my highlighter tonite!! Can't wait. Thank you all.