undercoverangel

Hello everybody. It seems I've been reading this board forever, and have tried multiple times over the years to quit the drinking, sometimes every single day for months. I'm in my 40's and have been drinking almost 5 years.

I guess what happened with me wasn't the norm, I started out drinking crazy, all day actually for a year, then finally got a hold on it, to a point anyway, and tapered down to about 2-3X a week, and I go back and forth trying to control it, sometimes I drink more, sometimes less, depending on my mood. Regardless, every single time I drink I keep going until the alcohol is gone, there's no stopping me once I start.

I learned early on not to keep too much in the house, my way of controlling what I drank, or so I thought. Luckily I have never gone out myself for more, however there have been times I have sent hubby out. I don't control my drinking once I start and I crave it every single night. It is with pure willpower that I am on day 6 sober right now. I'm feeling angry and stubborn right now with this addiction and I'm hoping I keep feeling that way, it's keeping me from running to the liquor store.

I'm angry at myself, I'm angry about what alcohol has done to me. I feel as if I've ruined my mind and body. I know by quitting now that I will be doing the best thing in the world for myself, it seems the older I get the more the booze kicks my butt. ;O( I can only imagine what I have done to my body on the inside, I hate to think about it.

For me, it is a mental obsession. I don't crave it physically, I don't feel physical withdrawal, but I just want it sometimes and I drop everything to go get it. There are times I talk to myself, scold myself, all the way to the liquor store, but still I have to have it. Anything at all can trigger it, feeling happy, sad, mad, lonely, bored, the weather, worrying, alcohol commercials, somebody drinking in a movie or sitcom.......... anything. I've dealt with depression & social anxiety for years and the alcohol made it worse, I beleive.

I've been lucky, so far, I haven't really lost anything, or anybody, except myself to this addiction. I just know I cannot live with it anymore, I don't want to. I want to learn to live sober, and eventually find joy in life again without constantly thinking about drinking. It's a horrendous way to go through every day. ;O( I visit SR every day, sometimes for hours a day, and right now I am clinging to it for dear life. I've babbled. Thank-you all for reading this, I know it's long...

Kitey

A massive welcome to you and Congrats on your 6th day of no Drinking. Yes, it gets better, so much better infact. This forum will help you loads just as it has all of us.

Stick around and make us proud of you xx

Dee74

Hi undercoverangel

I was pretty confused as to what I was and what I should do when I got here, but the folks here @ SR helped me sort out a few things, and gave me support for that mental obsession...hope we can help you too

Keep reading and posting
Welcome!
D

least

Welcome! I too had depression and anxiety made much worse by drinking. Not to mention feeling horrible physically and mentally during and after drinking. In short, drinking did me no good and did me a lot of bad.

Altho I still have serious depression and anxiety, at least my meds for that are working better now that I'm not drinking a depressant every day. And I no longer wake up feeling like sh!t and hating myself - what a plus!

I'm glad you found us and joined the family. You'll find a lot of support here.

undercoverangel

Thank-you for the welcome. ;O) It feels good to know I'm not alone. I was struggling earlier today, drove right by the liquor store, and I told myself I will come here and finally introduce myself. It has helped, a lot, just talking about it. I so wish I felt better these days, I'm always tired, drinking or not. I've blamed it on the drinking so I'm really hoping I start feeling more energetic the longer I don't drink. Thanks again, I really appreciate it. ;O)

Dee74

Welcome to you too SteveO

D

Anna

Welcome!

SR is my lifeline too and has been for years.

I'm glad you decided to post.

readythistime

Welcome. There is strength in numbers and there sure are some strong folk around here! You are in the right place!

Isaiah

This place has always been a great help for me when the obsession is high. Getting it out then realizing I'm not alone in this does me a world of good. Plus it's open 24 hours a day.

I hope you find some peace. It's frustrating dealing with urges, triggers and past behaviors, but liquor stores love us stressed out. Don't neglect the positives.

Draciack

Welcome undercoverangel and SteveO

I relate to a lot of what you said - I started out drinking crazy too...no middle ground.

Physically I got better pretty quickly but it still was an adjustment early on, especially the first month when I tended to fall asleep at random times and crave strange foods. Glad ya'll are here. You'll find a lot of support

undercoverangel

Thank-you all. I'm very happy that I registered here, it has helped me tremendously tonight.

Steve, I have been taking a B-complex vitamen, and also milk thistle, fish oil, and a few others. Funny thing is I've always taken my vitamens and tried to eat right, yet was pouring poison into my body with the other hand. It's insanity. Hopefully the vitamens I take will actually start working now that the alcohol is gone.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to get motivated enough to get back into my walking and weights. I've been slacking on that, and I know it will help keep my mind occupied and hopefully make me feel better physically. I enjoy the fitness board here and I visit that often.

I look forward to another peaceful morning tomorrow, waking up with no regrets and feeling accomplished, I so love mornings lately. Thank-you again for the warm welcome.

artsoul

I can relate so well to your story and feelings, especially about the obsession. It's like there's another person (the addict) sharing brain space with the real u and it slowly takes over. When I stopped drinking, it took time for that addict self to fade into the background.

So, give yourself time and just concentrate on getting through the day at hand. I'm so glad you decided to post and join us!

Lilly03

I also started out a crazy drinker, I occasionally thought I was a "social drinker" but now looking back I was fooling myself. The mental obsession is rough - it is like fighting against a part of yourself that's telling you to do one thing when deep down you know you should be doing something else.

Glad you're here and glad you drove past that liquor store.

undercoverangel

Happy Wednesday everybody. I hope everybody is doing well. I'm doing pretty good, one week sober for me today. I feel strong right now, still determined to beat this, but it is amazing and scary how the drinking thoughts stop me in my tracks sometimes. A huge trigger for me seems to be just going out and running errands, being able to easily stop at a liquor store if I want to. Today I sat in the parking lot after shopping, just talking myself out of it, and just for a split second I think I was going to go get my fix, ugh. ;O( I didn't, and I'm okay right now, but it is like somebody, something else controls my thoughts sometimes, it's awful. Anyway, it's a beautiful fall day here and I've started walking again, it really helps with feeling peaceful. I enjoy this forum so much, it is a Godsend for me right now. ;O)

JackNWA

Hi and welcome! glad you hung on and didn't give in. Have you considered the help of a 12-step group? They have been extremely helpfull to me in my recovery.

Carrie36

Welcome to SR!

I would just like to recommend seeing your DR for a full physical.

Be honest at your appointment about your alcohol consumption. Also let your dr know about any and all supplements you are taking.