Advice Please!!!

Old 11-02-2010, 10:40 AM
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ThatLittleGirl
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Advice Please!!!

So, for the past month my exah has been living in the same town as me and my twin daughters. He lives with his parents, and I live with mine. I have allowed him to spend time with the girls...but only if me or his parents are at the house...and he is never to drive them anywhere. And everyone has abided by my requests. I have been OK with this arrangement until recently. He is still on my medical insurance as that is what we agreed to during the divorce; next year he will be responsible for his own insurance coverage. As he is on my insurance, I receive EOB's, etc...for his doctor's visits, etc... I have noticed what appears to be doctor shopping... I looked at his prescription history and can see what I feel is abuse...but apparently, my insurance company has approved and paid for all his drugs and doctors' services.

Here's my issue. Am I at risk of negligence where the girls are concerned? Meaning, is my letting them spend time with someone who I believe to be an active addict negligent on my part? I know I have safeguards in place as me or his parents are there at all times...but still...I feel guilty thinking I let them be around an active drug user.

I have mentioned to him in the past that I have documentation that totally supports my claim that he is an active drug user (which I do)... All he ever tells me is that I am just a liable as he is because I knew about it, and I did nothing...so I'm basically an accomplice. Is this correct? And if it is, do I have an obligation to report him now? And what is my obligation to my precious daughters?

I know that I am not to "force" a rock bottom for him...so I have stayed silent and not confronted him or said a word about what I am seeing...letting him make his own bed. I have tried to allow my daughters time with him because they truly love him...but as I see more and more, I'm becoming uncomfortable even with the safeguards. Just the idea they are spending time in the company of someone actively using bothers me now (even though at 4 1/2, they would have no idea). I'm trying to "check" myself to make sure that I'm not trying to be vindictive or force his downfall so-to-speak. It's all so emotional...and the situation feels so confusing. I want to do the right thing for my daughters first and foremost. Just wondering if anyone on here has any insight or advice...I would truly appreciate it!!!!
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Old 11-02-2010, 10:45 AM
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Personally I don't see any benefits to the children when the parent is in active addiction.

Can you be held liable? Not hardly. It's called blame-shifting.
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Old 11-02-2010, 10:50 AM
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Can you be held liable? Not hardly. It's called blame-shifting. - Thank you Freedom...when he told me that, my stomach dropped and I've been concerned about it ever since...
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Old 11-02-2010, 10:52 AM
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Yup it's that crzy addict talk.But still...what does he as an active addict have to offer.It sounds like you trust his parents.Are they aware of his addiction?If so, are they codependant w/him?They can make as poor decisions as an addict.I know cuz I r one.
I'm not sure i really see the benefit of his being around the little ones. ..he's either on something or coming down..how authentic is the time they spend with him.Is it more to benefit him or your kids?
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Old 11-02-2010, 10:53 AM
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You have to keep in mind he's in active addiction.

That's what active addicts do....blame-shift.

I am a recovering codependent, and a recovering addict/alcoholic.

He isn't going to take any responsibility for his addiction.

Are you attending Alanon or Naranon to help yourself heal from the effects of his addiction?

:ghug3
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Old 11-02-2010, 11:30 AM
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Are you attending Alanon or Naranon to help yourself heal from the effects of his addiction? - No, not yet. I have found one I'm interested in attending; but I've always found SR to be so much for me...that I think I'll find everything else so lacking...but I guess I have to try it to know...:-)
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Old 11-02-2010, 11:32 AM
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how authentic is the time they spend with him.Is it more to benefit him or your kids? - It's not authentic at all...at least from his side. They love on him...hug him...I can't tell you how many times during a visit they tell him "I love you daddy"...For them, I do believe it's a comfort. From his perspective...he's left without saying good-bye before...and the last two visits, he hasn't even hugged them...it's so sad for me to see... I know he's just very sick...but it still hurts for my daughters' sakes.
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Old 11-02-2010, 11:37 AM
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Are they aware of his addiction?If so, are they codependant w/him? - They are aware...I asked his younger brother to please tell them how bad off he is...He called me to tell me he had a meeting with his parents and put it all out there... And my exah's younger brother is a great guy...if he said he put it out there, he did! But my exah's parents are extreme co-dependents... Both my exah and his older brother are active addicts, and as far as I can tell, my exil's don't act as if it's an issue at all. But in their defense, my exfil has terminal cancer, and my exmil is also in poor health...I'm not sure they can emotionally handle two active addicts in addition to their other issues.

But my mother did tell mil that she or fil is to drive the girls...my hope is they will always abide my wishes. If I find they don't, I will remove my daughters for good from their care!
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Old 11-02-2010, 11:42 AM
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I don't think you'll be worried about liability when he wrecks the car under the influence of drugs and one of your twins is hurt, or worse. You need to change the child-sharing relationship immediately.
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Old 11-02-2010, 02:29 PM
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I have mentioned to him in the past that I have documentation that totally supports my claim that he is an active drug user (which I do)... All he ever tells me is that I am just a liable as he is because I knew about it, and I did nothing...so I'm basically an accomplice.

This attitude would worry me. He is right, you DO know about it. My worry would be that if he ever did get right, move on, remarry etc. Would these be grounds for a custody battle in the future?

You are doing the right thing by making sure it's supervised. Have you talked with your case worker about this and how to handle it? At least if child support knew of the situation, you would be covered for future battles if he would ever try to come back on you.
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Old 11-02-2010, 02:41 PM
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The criminality of Dr shopping (liability is the wrong word here) is 100% on him. You have zero to worry about there. However, letting him continue with the child sharing when you know he is using could go against you in a custody hearing. He has also lied to you saying he is clean right? Go change this immediately. No judge is gonna punish you for watching out for your children. But get a good lawyer if you can.
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Old 11-02-2010, 05:27 PM
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I am in the position that your XIL's are in. My son is the addict. I work closely with the mother of his son, my grandson. She allows my DH and I to spend time with our grandson and is ok with my son seeing his child as long as we are supervising. HOWEVER, for the last few months, I have not felt that my son is stable and I have suggested to her that it's not in the child's best interest to be subjected to his father right now.

For the last couple of years, we have always supervised any time my AS and his son spend together at his girlfriend's request. I think it is a very reasonable request and I abide by her wishes. She is the mother and currently is the sole responsible parent. Her wishes should be respected.

It's a very sad situation. And an addict wants to blame everyone else for not being able to spend time with the kids........it's just sad.

I feel so very lucky that my grandson has a very good mother who takes such excellent care of him. You are in such a difficult situation but it is quite clear that you are a compassionate person who wants the best for her children.

I will keep you in my prayers.

gentle hugs
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Old 11-03-2010, 12:29 PM
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Thanks everyone!!! When there are children involved, there is no cut and dry. I just try to make the next right decision where my daughters are involved.
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Old 11-03-2010, 01:02 PM
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What's the story on custody and child support?
Is he paying for the care of his children?

Did the court determine visitation ( which is usually considered independent of child support)?

Will you have to go back to court to work this out?

I am another who agrees that nothing good can come from exposing young children to active addiction.
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Old 11-03-2010, 02:04 PM
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There is actually legal term; negligent entrustment.. in which a friend/family member CAN be determined negligent in the case of accidents, etc.. I would look at this carefully. Like, if you knew he was f'd up, let him drive your car.. he hit and killed people.. you get sued for negligent entrustment. The best example of this is the family members of the individuals killed by the drunk lady in New Jersey, are suing her brother as he knew she was an active drunk and let her borrow his car. I don't know how this applies to child care and resonsibility but I would certainly check with a lawyer before assuming you are free and clear of any responsibility when it comes to leaving your children with an active drug addict.

However, I totally agree w/ Dgillz. At the point that you'd be concerned about negligence charges in court, you might be preoccupied by much more serious and heart wrenching matters of whatever it was that happened on his (and there for your..) watch, after knowing he is actively addicted.
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