myernie

I have found a little bit of inner peace over the last few days (Thank you Freedom1990). His stuff is still packed although he is refusing to take it. He stayed here on Sunday night and things were somewhat normal, came home for lunch yesterday and things were good except for the snide comments about his stuff being packed and how he is getting a lot of No's from me lately and doesn't like it. Then of course didn't come home last night. He called around 10 and told me he was still at work and would call when he was heading home. Normally I would be all crazy with worry especially since we had really bad weather last night but I'm not doing it. He is a big boy and can take care of himself, if something happens to him I'm sure I'll get the call. I really expected him to show up this morning trying to use my truck because of the rain and it is pretty cold (he has a motorcycle) but nothing. I was already planning my "NO." I can feel myself letting go, not that I have stopped caring or loving him but maybe detaching is a better word. No is not a word I can give easily to anyone and with him it has always been especially hard. I am learning to use it though.

tam

oh dont we understand the "no"..no this,no that, gets tiring and draining for us. my husband got tired of my no's and left and hasnt been back, they go where they will hear "yes" "yes".
hang in there, keep posting and reading it truly helps. your not alone. as far as his belongings, I would leave where they are,let him figure it out, least your making a stance..stay stong,dont give in it will work out and you will feel better.

crazybabie

Be proud of yourself, each step we take in our recovery is impornant, IMO no step is small.

cmc

Hello myernie; saying no to others has been only half of my problem. It's often been easier for me to say 'no' and stick to my boundaries than it's been to say 'no' to myself regarding all the stress-stuff going on inside of me.

Going to meetings and coming here are what help me the most when that 'no' isn't registering in my brain or my emotions.

I found that it does get better/easier with time- but I always need to keep watch that my old ways of coping don't sneak up on me when I'm unaware.

One of my favorite sayings (that I first learned in this forum) is:
"What other people think about me is none of my business."
Somehow those few words help bring my own thoughts to a healthier place.

It's great that you are making such good progress with letting go of those things you cannot control.

justtired

Congrats on detaching! I could feel it inside when I started detaching from my abf. I didn't care as much, the things he did and said didn't affect me as much. I used to get so upset if he said he was going to do something, come to bed, eat dinner with me etc. and then back out. Now, I'm just like, whatever, do what you want. It's hard when they start realizing that you don't react the way you used to, but it's such a relief when you realize that everything they do doesn't have to affect you emotionally.

myernie

Thanks justtired! It feels good even though I have a long way to go. I can now be honest with myself first. And to be honest, I have never got upset with him before for letting me down which he does a lot. Even before I knew he was an addict I was too scared to make him mad, I avoid confrontation at all costs! When he would let me down I would sulk then do something else to make him happy. Now that I know what I am dealing with I know that I cannot make him happy, he has to do that. I have 4 children that need me more than this grown man does right now. Don't get me wrong if he wants help I will help him but I am trying very hard not to enable him. I am learning there is a difference thanks to this site!

Freedom1990

Amen to that!

Your package should be there Friday at the latest, and there's an extra something in there for you.

myernie

Freedom1990-I cannot thank you enough for all of your support!

justtired

It sounds to me like you DID get upset, you just never acted on it or allowed him to see it in order to avoid conflict (no judgment from me on that... I am a confrontation avoider too!) Detachment is not just acting like it doesn't upset you, but having it ACTUALLY not upset you. It took a while for me to get there and it actually just sort of happened. Once I realized that I was getting walked over, I somehow just started getting over it. It gets old fast once you see it for what it is. Sounds like you are really working on you and figuring out what's best for you. You're definitely headed in the right direction.

myernie

justtired-Yes you would be correct, I DID get upset but never to the point of confrontation or questioning. I never let him see me upset although he would know I was by my passive aggressive behavior. I would call and "check" on him if he didn't show up when he said he was going to. I see the progress in that last night when he said he was getting ready to leave work and would call me on his way here I would have normally waited up for him, I would have called when he didn't show after an hour or so. Last night I turned over and went to sleep. I have not called him today nor has he called me. I am not "concerned" about where he is as I can't stop him anyway. If he's on binge that is his choice. I cannot keep wearing myself down over this mess. Everything around me has suffered for it. It takes an effort on my part to not call, to not think about it but I am trying.

Freedom1990

The more you practice things like this, the easier it will become.

A lot of those things are just second nature for me most of the time.