that_four_letter_word_-_FEAR
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
that_four_letter_word_-_FEAR
That four letter word - FEAR - has dominated my life before, during, and after my time in active alcoholism.
Before I drank, my thoughts had an underlying theme that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't quite right, that I was less then.
Then, enter alcohol and my world changed forever. I instantly felt a part of, felt like I could do anything, and felt better than. This went on for 15+ years as I sunk lower and lower into alcoholism and simultaneously further and further into ego, self will, and self pleasure.
You were either below or above me, but not my equal.
...but a price had to be paid for this lifestyle and for eventually getting sober. ...and I paid it with darn near my life and a lot of harm to others.
So, here I sit, in recovery and building a solid foundation (I use AA and of course come on here) and life is getting better and more real. ...but that fear is still just one thought away, one mis-spoken word on my part, one errant action from me, one projected possible result away and I'm right back in the middle of FEAR.
Can anyone else relate to this? I'd love to hear your experience with fear (while you were "out there" and in recovery).
Kjell
Before I drank, my thoughts had an underlying theme that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't quite right, that I was less then.
Then, enter alcohol and my world changed forever. I instantly felt a part of, felt like I could do anything, and felt better than. This went on for 15+ years as I sunk lower and lower into alcoholism and simultaneously further and further into ego, self will, and self pleasure.
You were either below or above me, but not my equal.
...but a price had to be paid for this lifestyle and for eventually getting sober. ...and I paid it with darn near my life and a lot of harm to others.
So, here I sit, in recovery and building a solid foundation (I use AA and of course come on here) and life is getting better and more real. ...but that fear is still just one thought away, one mis-spoken word on my part, one errant action from me, one projected possible result away and I'm right back in the middle of FEAR.
Can anyone else relate to this? I'd love to hear your experience with fear (while you were "out there" and in recovery).
Kjell
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I still have moments of fear, but it is no longer the vague all-encompassing fear of my drinking days. Now it's specific to things and events and can be resolved. When drinking I was always afraid - mostly afraid of myself. But thanks to my New Improved Attitude my fear is more 'normal' and not a cloud always hanging over my head.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Colorado
Posts: 796
I remember going on a three day binge, and being afraid to stop drinking because I knew the consequences that would follow.
That was fear. I look back on it and just shake my head. Being afraid to stop drinking. And this happened more times than I can recall.
What a life.
I don't miss those days!
That was fear. I look back on it and just shake my head. Being afraid to stop drinking. And this happened more times than I can recall.
What a life.
I don't miss those days!
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Thanks for the post man.
yes I can relate to the post mate. Fear is shared about a lot at the AA meetings I attend. Or rather the ability to recognise one's fears and try to see them for what they really are i.e- Fantasy Appearing as Reality or False Evidence Apperaing Real.
I think everybody's fears are all related to different things about themselves or others or whatever. I know that a lot of my Fear can result from not wanting to get hurt, one way or the other.
It's a learning process 'one day at a time' and I am having to re learn all of the experiences that I was always wasted when I experinced them. It can feel scary but not as scary as lying on the police cell floor and not seeing a way out for your life but instead a huge great hole that you've dug yourself into.
Thanks for the share man, it's amazing how even though AA meetings can go on the other side of the world, the themes spoken about are always similar.
Peace
yes I can relate to the post mate. Fear is shared about a lot at the AA meetings I attend. Or rather the ability to recognise one's fears and try to see them for what they really are i.e- Fantasy Appearing as Reality or False Evidence Apperaing Real.
I think everybody's fears are all related to different things about themselves or others or whatever. I know that a lot of my Fear can result from not wanting to get hurt, one way or the other.
It's a learning process 'one day at a time' and I am having to re learn all of the experiences that I was always wasted when I experinced them. It can feel scary but not as scary as lying on the police cell floor and not seeing a way out for your life but instead a huge great hole that you've dug yourself into.
Thanks for the share man, it's amazing how even though AA meetings can go on the other side of the world, the themes spoken about are always similar.
Peace
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
Kjell, your post made be think of this Max Erhmann quote: If you compare yourself to others you will become vain and bitter; there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Most of my fears are related to expectations and pessimism - what will happen or could happen. I try to stay in the moment as much as possible and just focus on what I can do, rather than the things outside of my control.
Most of my fears are related to expectations and pessimism - what will happen or could happen. I try to stay in the moment as much as possible and just focus on what I can do, rather than the things outside of my control.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 176
I am currently dealing with a lot of fear. I relapsed the other night, and it was really bad. It did at least show me how desperate my situation is, that I cannot control my drinking/drugging and I cannot pick up the first drink. But I'm riddled with fear... fear of the insanity creeping back in and another relapse. I also have a lot of hope though too. I think right now I need the fear, to keep me on guard. But I hope I don't have to live with this forever.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Alcoholism for me was, and is, and always will be, an experience in insanity. Fears are alive and well in the landfill playground of alcoholic insanity. Such misery. Such ugliness. No fear from there is able to stand within the light of sober reason washing over it. Those days of fear existed in an alcoholic mind that is now no more real than an arrested memory.
I still have fears, but they are not bred from an alcoholic nest of falseness and ignorance. My fears today are entirely what they should be: human and personal. My greatest fear today is simply to fear fear itself. Once I get the courage to get past fear itself, things work out the way they do, and I move on with gratitude and sureness that i have done my best already. Let go and let God.
Sober spiritual living has changed me, and although I'll never forget what I was, and where i've come from, living in the past, with my past fears, is simply not what or how I want to live today. It may seem to some alcoholics that their fears are still unresonable months and years later in their sobriety, but its my thinking that some alcoholics have difficulty letting go of their past and grabbing on to their present because they still honestly experience fears of some kind or another that they can link back to their alcoholism. Their honesty keeps them starring into the headlights transfixed.
For me, I don't much care about what my past is, what can i do to change it? Nothing. I can learn from it, and move on, and that's enough for me. And that includes what I was afraid of as an alcoholic drowning in alcoholism. I was roadkill. I was. Not anymore though.
Fears today are a normal everyday experience of the storms of life, and I will not escalate my fears of today into resurrecting something from yesterday that betrays and erodes my sober spiritual life of today. My worst fears are behind me and not ahead of me. I am not to be a fool yet again for my own amusement, and this ain't no dream this time around. Good journey to all, folks.
Robby
I still have fears, but they are not bred from an alcoholic nest of falseness and ignorance. My fears today are entirely what they should be: human and personal. My greatest fear today is simply to fear fear itself. Once I get the courage to get past fear itself, things work out the way they do, and I move on with gratitude and sureness that i have done my best already. Let go and let God.
Sober spiritual living has changed me, and although I'll never forget what I was, and where i've come from, living in the past, with my past fears, is simply not what or how I want to live today. It may seem to some alcoholics that their fears are still unresonable months and years later in their sobriety, but its my thinking that some alcoholics have difficulty letting go of their past and grabbing on to their present because they still honestly experience fears of some kind or another that they can link back to their alcoholism. Their honesty keeps them starring into the headlights transfixed.
For me, I don't much care about what my past is, what can i do to change it? Nothing. I can learn from it, and move on, and that's enough for me. And that includes what I was afraid of as an alcoholic drowning in alcoholism. I was roadkill. I was. Not anymore though.
Fears today are a normal everyday experience of the storms of life, and I will not escalate my fears of today into resurrecting something from yesterday that betrays and erodes my sober spiritual life of today. My worst fears are behind me and not ahead of me. I am not to be a fool yet again for my own amusement, and this ain't no dream this time around. Good journey to all, folks.
Robby
Practice Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: KC missouri
Posts: 885
I have a million fears, fear of boat propellers, fear of what people think, fear of running out of cheetos, I have to do everything I can. talk to my sponser, go to meetings, read AA stuff. It passes, but the 4th step really tackled how much I care what other people think. It all started when a bully pulled my pants down, I thought everyone thout I was an idiot. Now I know he was the sick one and I am supposed to love everyone even if they are depantsing me at recess.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Fear, insecurity, and low self-esteem were all wrapped up together in me as far back as I can remember, that was largely why I started drinking because of course then I was “indestructible” at least for a few hours. The last 6-18 months of my drinking “career” my biggest fear became myself as I had no control of what I did when I drank , I didn't have the sense to not drink, and I had absolutely no memory of what I did when I drank. During my first year of sobriety I was practically afraid of my own shadow, but with time and the work, study and prayer I did on my own all those old fears and insecurities went away and as each year passes they get further and further into my past as there is no place in my present day life for them.
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST 
Thanks for the share man, it's amazing how even though AA meetings can go on the other side of the world, the themes spoken about are always similar.
(I love the fact that we are)
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Originally Posted by jamdls
During my first year of sobriety I was practically afraid of my own shadow, but with time and the work, study and prayer I did on my own all those old fears and insecurities went away and as each year passes they get further and further into my past as there is no place in my present day life for them.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
Well I still have a heck of a lot of fear. I'm working on my AA 4th step so I'm just starting to see how much fear I have. Fear of relapse, fear of making bad decisions, fear of being alone, fear of failure, etc, etc.
I'm glad I'm facing it with my higher power, though. That is the difference between fear while drinking and fear now - I'm not dealing with it by myself with a bottle.
I'm glad I'm facing it with my higher power, though. That is the difference between fear while drinking and fear now - I'm not dealing with it by myself with a bottle.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
From around my teens I was pretty much scared of everything.
Getting sober meant I actually had to face a lot of my fears and I found, to my surprise, not only were a lot of the fears groundless or far less substantial than I thought, but I was actually a lot more capable and resilient that I'd ever given myself credit for
D
Getting sober meant I actually had to face a lot of my fears and I found, to my surprise, not only were a lot of the fears groundless or far less substantial than I thought, but I was actually a lot more capable and resilient that I'd ever given myself credit for
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,470
Kjell,
When I started recovery, I was shocked to realize that I had lived my life in fear. All the decisions in my life, big and small, were all based on fear. How sad is that! And, for the years I was drinking, the fear remained and continued to be a constant in my life. When I stopped drinking, and recognized how I had been living, I knew I need to step out into the light. It has been amazing!
When I started recovery, I was shocked to realize that I had lived my life in fear. All the decisions in my life, big and small, were all based on fear. How sad is that! And, for the years I was drinking, the fear remained and continued to be a constant in my life. When I stopped drinking, and recognized how I had been living, I knew I need to step out into the light. It has been amazing!
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
I've always been fearful when it comes to social situations. This predates alcohol and to this day I have problems.
That said, in regards to sobriety, I have healthy fear when it comes to alcohol consumption. I know how I am. I know what my tendencies are and my triggers. I know that if I go back I probably won't stop. I am afraid to think what could possibly happen. I know that most people don't make it. That's a scary fact.
I acknowledge the fear for what it is. I accept the fear and I'm not consumed by it. I do this by knowing where my supports are and using those supports. SR is a support. Therapy is a support. And my family is a support. I use the help available to get through this.
We aren't making the journey alone. I only know you folks through the words you write here, but what everyone has to contribute is saving lives. This place is an important part of my well-being.
That said, in regards to sobriety, I have healthy fear when it comes to alcohol consumption. I know how I am. I know what my tendencies are and my triggers. I know that if I go back I probably won't stop. I am afraid to think what could possibly happen. I know that most people don't make it. That's a scary fact.
I acknowledge the fear for what it is. I accept the fear and I'm not consumed by it. I do this by knowing where my supports are and using those supports. SR is a support. Therapy is a support. And my family is a support. I use the help available to get through this.
We aren't making the journey alone. I only know you folks through the words you write here, but what everyone has to contribute is saving lives. This place is an important part of my well-being.
Practice Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: KC missouri
Posts: 885
I am alittle lucky that I stumbled on alot of psyhcoligical stuff ahead of time, so I knew that my fight or flight responses should be going off all over the place right when I wake up. I had to surrender that I can control little or nothing in my life.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Courage is not the absence of fear. Ask any soldier in a firefight. Courage is facing fear and thinking it all the way through, and doing what needs to be done anyway. That to me is what the serenity prayer is all about, and my military service taught me that long ago. Our fears can be knocked back one at a time. Then we appear courageous to others when we were scared spitless but did what needed to be done, and when one tells us we are amazing and fearless, we laugh and realize how true that is.
I have found that the biggest talkers are putting on a show. The truly courageous never talk about it except with others that are real, and been there.
Like them, we talk here and some at meetings, but not with the so called normal folks. They wouldn't ever understand. And we can spot the real thing a mile away.
I have found that the biggest talkers are putting on a show. The truly courageous never talk about it except with others that are real, and been there.
Like them, we talk here and some at meetings, but not with the so called normal folks. They wouldn't ever understand. And we can spot the real thing a mile away.
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