NEOMARXIST

I did a lot of work on this in the summer as part of my recovery and it was incredibly difficult to face up to this stuff and I was proud of myself for doing it and truly never thought that I'd be able to and that I'd probably take it to the grave with me.

It was worth it and I could feel the progress and it felt to be liberated from stuff that I've carried around with me for years, like a millstone around my neck.

I guess it's closely related to depression and it can feel like one feeds off the other. It has caused me so much heartache and pain over the last few years and really made me feel 'stuck' from progressing in my life.

I have noticed that the niggling intrusive thoughts have been resurfacing over the last few weeks and trying not to let them grow in strength but it can be sooo difficult and it can start to grind me down.

I guess University has introduced such new experinces and thoughts and emotions and many of these are what I just used to drink through. Now I have to feel the awkwardness and not really knowing what to say, whilst at the same time getting frustrated that old issues are surfacing and I can just get sad about it.

I am posting this early, so as to not let it get worse, and I'm hoping that I will manage to build my self-confidence and self-esteem back up again.

I felt such confidence and self-esteem and positive body image over the summer and when i started Uni but I can feel it ebbing away and it can frustrate me so much.

I know for me that I am my own biggest enemy and this stuff is the main reason that I drank as that made the feeling of generally uncomfort in my own skin evaporate for a brief while.

I don;t really hear many, if any, shares about this really and I guess I can feel lonely about it. I don't want this to bring me down. I reffered myself to mental health counselling on NHS when I was 9 months sober and they signed me off from my sessions after about 6 weeks as they said I was doing so well and in such a great place. The main strategy I was taught was to think positively about myself, as opposed to negatively, and I did feel great as a result and felt like I could take on the world.

This is all so related to confidence for me as when the feeling of being uncomfortable in my skin are prevalent then my confidence can go down and depression can set in and then I'm really in trouble.

I know that it's possible to feel the opposite of this, as I experinced it lots in my recovery, but it's difficult when you're in the grip of it. It's also hard as it's difficult to talk about and I don't really have anybody to relate to about it and so this can feel lonely.

This stuff nearly killed me and I don't want to jeopardise my future for this. It's so ridiculous but then again knowing that doesn't really help me.

I don't want to let it get me down and don't think that going back to mental health services is neccessary as when I'm there I always appear in a good place and they say to try just to get over it, which I know I should do.

Just thought I'd share as I want to get it out of my own head. It's amzing how feeling comfortable in your own skin is such a nice feeling but feeling uncomfortable can just make things all seem difficult. Maybe it's depression related too.

Generally I feel good but am mindful of this issue as I know it is the No1 trigger for my drinking and drugging and just wanting to escape myself.

Peace

Draciack

Alcohol relieved that feeling of dis-ease for me too, for awhile at least.

Most times, when I feel that way, I'm thinking about me too much - my past struggles, my character flaws, the things I want to do but can't, how things could be better, etc. I never really see the whole picture and that skews everything.

It took me a long, long time to realize I am okay as I am, flaws and all.

Glad you posted this early though and are actively seeking help

grateful2b

...and coming here and telling on yourself is good self-care, Neo..

I have been dealing with depression for years and one of the great things that came out of my using and dealing with it was discovering that I am BP2...that explained a lot!

As my brain as been healing over the last few years and as I have chosen to work my recovery, I have gather up a pretty good bag of tools...Self-talk is right at the top of my list of things I can do to support my Self and recovery,...as well as maintaining a working balance in my moods...and potential depression.

I have discovered that we do have a say in what goes in and out of our brains!

Neo, I am always so impressed by your thoughtful posts, and I think you are doing great...keep on keeping on, friend..

CarolD

Just thinking......
When I begin something new.....I do teeter around with
"Can I do this?" or "Who? Me?"

Then I settle down to making progress....not
necessarily big steps but small firm ones
Then comes the self esteem....

neo....you have come so far so quickly....
the Uni is a new experience ...please give
yourself time to settle in to the life.

Kerbcrawler

Hang in there Neo..all things will pass..soon be back with a spring in your step again..
a bad week at the office sometimes..tends to run in patterns i find with me, the main thing is your sober smart an going places...maintaining strength of character the whole time takes some doing, best of luck with Uni.

walktheline

The thing to keep in mind is that no one, no matter how sober or sane is ever %100 truly comfortable and full of joy. Its okay to feel sad, angry or discontent...they're just universal human emotions man.It's like they say, Peace is not a place where there is no war, pain or suffering...it is to be in the midst of those thins and still be CALM IN YOUR HEART.

Big ups for gettin help. Best of luck to you all. Peace.

Jomey

You are doing a great job taking care of yourself, Neo. I'm proud of you and happy for you. I like what Carol said about taking small, firm steps into a new period of your life. I think you are doing that, and will continue to.

I have had those feelings of being uncomfortable in my own skin, too, and drank to ease them. Recently, I've gone past a sober anniversary, and in a strange way, I was down on myself for a few weeks.

My main trigger for drinking is anxiety over my husband's safety when he is at work as a police officer. Over the past few weeks, thinking that I should feel thrilled with a few years sobriety and excitement as the anniversary approached, I was actually thinking "geez! all this work to be what the world considers 'normal'? I know plenty of cops' wives who cope without alcohol and always have. I haven't acheived anything great here, I've just mustered up to toe the line." It was a pretty dark time for me.

I had to rearrange my own thinking, in my head and on paper in my journal to realize that whatever battle we face, we are extraordinarily brave and strong people to move past our hardships, and that bad times still come when we are sober, and that sitting with those feelings, without letting them eat us alive, is the way to peace - for me.

Thanks for your share.

Jomey

HideorSeek

Neo, you have always struck me as an intuitive, sensitive person. Your posts are always provocative and insightful. I may be wrong, but I think we alkies are extreme thinkers and feelers and (at least for me), alcohol was a way to "calm" my racing thoughts and emotions. I, too, liked what Carol had to say...also, many of us being perfectionists, want it all, all the time. That isn't life...it goes up and down like gentle waves, in troughs and crests, and we must learn to ride them as if we are on a raft....up and down...not fighting for control.

You are doing so well, be gentle with yourself. That being said, only you know your heart. If you feel as if this is something you cannot "ride out", by all means go to the counseling center. They are there to help you.

Dee74

Hey Neo

late to this but everyone's given you good advice already I think...it's natural to feel a little like a fish out of water in a new situation...I hope you settle in soon

Good work on being so self aware too - it's a great gift of sobriety I think - and if I'm wrong and things don't get better soon, I know you'll recognise that and do something about it.

Keep on trucking Neo
D

RobbyRobot

Hey NEO,

Hang in there, man. You know this is part n' parcel of the illness of alcoholism. There is no cure for what ails us, and that itelf is a horrible source of sadness and frustration when we get uncomfortable with ourselves for whatever reasons. Good on you seeking help with the counselling earlier, and I'm not surprised they signed you off, as you have such great energy in how you present yourself to yourself ie how honest you are about your situations and your actions taken to keep yourself safe, sound, and moving forward.

The thing with alcoholism, is at some point, we have to face the stark facts that there'll always be something nipping at our heels. I've come to just accept it as natural now all these many years, but even then, there it is, and all that shows is that alcoholism is for life. So be it.

I find that all others do share how uncomfortble they feel, just read a bit more between the lines, and there it is, although not always straight up and fresh, nonetheless, we all have lives to live, and none of our lives are continually filled with just great and wonderful experiences. We all have wounds to heal, and we all have times of personal struggle. It's simply the spice and weather of life, don't you know!

Don't believe for a second, not for a minute, not for an hour, not for a day that somehow being sober is failing you. We're only human, and we all have better days than some other days. And sometimes some days are actually weeks and months. It happens. Experiences in time are so relative and personal, they can't always be sorted. As your sober days add up, you'll look back on these times and smile when you realize how fantastically well you've done and what you have accomplished in such a short relative time in sobriety.

I'll tell you this: I too have always escaped myself from feeling whatever and that has not stopped. What has changed is how I do it. I do it without drugs and alcohol, and as you already know, no drug or drink can equal the escape we can get as alcoholic drug addicts staying sober well and good. Nothin' beats it. Nothing. To our ownselves be true!

This too shall pass, my friend. Cheers!

Robby

NEOMARXIST

Thank you all so much for your wonderful responses. I went to an AA meeting tonight and really enjoyed it and had a good share. Felt really warm and happy/comforted during and after the meeting and I was able to complete my task I needed to finish tonight with a calm and peaceful head.

I thought I would log on to SR before I go to bed and I am just so grateful for the messages that I've read. I cannot thank you enough for all of the replies and it means such a lot to me and is such a great place for me to come. I felt better when I wrote my post today and I need to get this stuff out of my head early, so as not to escalate.

Grateful to be sober. Thank you SR!!

Peace