Left the Bar Tonight
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Somewhere along the Delaware River, Pennsylvania
Posts: 137
Left the Bar Tonight
Tonight was a Halloween party at a local bar with some friends.
I haven't told any of these friends yet about my decision to quit drinking. I didn't know how to say it, and I didn't know how I was going to explain turning down alcohol on our outing.
So, at first, I didn't. I ordered my traditional glass of Merlot, and plenty of bar food. Trying to look casual and social, I took a drink in between bites, and was suddenly very interested in having a cigarette out on the deck so I could get some cool night air and watch the river.
I ended up finishing my meal with my friends, and then (under the guise of being tired) said I would rather not accompany them to the next bar and really needed to be dropped off at home.
I am amazed myself. I really didn't think so, but the longingness to drink really isn't there.
I haven't told any of these friends yet about my decision to quit drinking. I didn't know how to say it, and I didn't know how I was going to explain turning down alcohol on our outing.
So, at first, I didn't. I ordered my traditional glass of Merlot, and plenty of bar food. Trying to look casual and social, I took a drink in between bites, and was suddenly very interested in having a cigarette out on the deck so I could get some cool night air and watch the river.
I ended up finishing my meal with my friends, and then (under the guise of being tired) said I would rather not accompany them to the next bar and really needed to be dropped off at home.
I am amazed myself. I really didn't think so, but the longingness to drink really isn't there.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Not to berate you but I slipped up many many times 'nursing' drinks...so that's not something I'd recommend doing it again lostmyway - too many chances for disaster there by my reckoning.
Like someone said to you last time - change is uncomfortable but necessary LMW.
I hope you find a way to embrace it soon
D
Like someone said to you last time - change is uncomfortable but necessary LMW.
I hope you find a way to embrace it soon
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Good stuff Lost and I couldn't agree more with Dee.
Keep it going but definitely know that even sipping puts us on the edge of dangerous slope. Can give the illusion that we can pull back last minute and that is a battle none of us need.
Let this strengthen you my friend and glad you are sharing
Keep it going but definitely know that even sipping puts us on the edge of dangerous slope. Can give the illusion that we can pull back last minute and that is a battle none of us need.
Let this strengthen you my friend and glad you are sharing
Last edited by Kmber2010; 10-31-2010 at 04:06 AM. Reason: typos
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: IL
Posts: 81
Yes, definitely be careful with sipping drinks and also being at bars. I've had occasions where I would go to the bar, not drink, and feel great. I've also had times where I'd go to the bar, be surrounded by all my friends and their beers ,not drink, but be miserable and find myself having that "do i buy some beer or not" debate going on in my head the whole way home. I've relapsed once in that exact scenario.
Maybe its time you told some of your friends? Maybe its also time to think about why you haven't told your friends yet... is it because you are hoping you can one day drink with them again?
Maybe its time you told some of your friends? Maybe its also time to think about why you haven't told your friends yet... is it because you are hoping you can one day drink with them again?
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
The conversation about why you arent drinking can be uncomfortable, I agree. I avoid the conversation, avoid the environment, and when its necessary, I will make something up, like I'm on medication for something. I feel that my recovery for now is my business, and I personally don't want to be under a microscope about it by people who don't understand whats it like to have a problem with alcohol. You sipped, and it turned out ok.....THIS TIME. I am very very glad that you were able to stop before something awful happened.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
This question often comes up, and I feel that honesty is such an important part of recovery.
To me this doesn't mean telling anyone and everyone that you are no longer drinking. But, I don't like the idea of making up excuses either. For me, I decided to avoid situations where I would have to lie. Dee is absolutely right. And, change is necessary, even though it can be painful.
To me this doesn't mean telling anyone and everyone that you are no longer drinking. But, I don't like the idea of making up excuses either. For me, I decided to avoid situations where I would have to lie. Dee is absolutely right. And, change is necessary, even though it can be painful.
Sept 30, 2010
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Southern California
Posts: 1,672
I just tell the truth..... I love cheesecake, but I don't eat it because I am allergic to it, it makes me fat. Same with alcohol, I love to drink but I am allergic to it, it makes me drunk (on occasions I will tell drinking friends the truth, I am allergic to alcohol, it makes me an instant @ss).
Most people just chuckle and leave me alone. This does not keep me from going to restaurants or bars with friends. Club soda with lime for me please, and keep them coming. An make sure you give the waiter/waitress a good tip.
Most people just chuckle and leave me alone. This does not keep me from going to restaurants or bars with friends. Club soda with lime for me please, and keep them coming. An make sure you give the waiter/waitress a good tip.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Well, I like the sound of not being enthused about drinking, in the sense that you are reaching a point of letting go finally. So I want to prop that up and admire it some. At the same time, there could be some philosophizing going on (staring at the river), and what if it does turn into another phase of drinking by yourself, starting out as sipping and pondering and then it's "the whole thing all over again"?
I understand the reluctance about disclosing the decision - all the interrogations and prodding that are possible. I think it's worth considering whether some of these people are worth having around. On the other hand, that could lead to too much debating, and when a person stops drinking, that decision needs to be at the top, as selfish and self-aggrandizing as it looks. I have some friends that interpreted my decision to stop drinking as beating myself up, putting myself on the cross, and probably being a drama queen while I was at it (I'm not going to get too far away from that accusation as a gay man, as it is). And it infuriated me and made me petulant for a good ________ week. And I haven't called any of them back since, because I am the one living with the reality of being an alcoholic who cannot drink and who can take the right steps from now on to stay that way; and screw the rest.
What you can do is find out where you fit in, what the outcome would be in terms of stopping and the disclosure and "what to do when." But I guess I would recommend making choices that make it all about not drinking in a one-dimensional way, and not letting all the other stuff on the periphery, like friends and their opinions, gain any weight in the process. Eventually you can start to see new buds of life on the tree and let the other branches and leaves drop off if they are not helpful. In other words, you could make new friends and the old ones who can deal with you might still be there. Life is so much bigger than where we are at when we "decide to quit drinking." Don't be stuck in that place, just do it one inch at a time, and that will turn into days and days.
I understand the reluctance about disclosing the decision - all the interrogations and prodding that are possible. I think it's worth considering whether some of these people are worth having around. On the other hand, that could lead to too much debating, and when a person stops drinking, that decision needs to be at the top, as selfish and self-aggrandizing as it looks. I have some friends that interpreted my decision to stop drinking as beating myself up, putting myself on the cross, and probably being a drama queen while I was at it (I'm not going to get too far away from that accusation as a gay man, as it is). And it infuriated me and made me petulant for a good ________ week. And I haven't called any of them back since, because I am the one living with the reality of being an alcoholic who cannot drink and who can take the right steps from now on to stay that way; and screw the rest.
What you can do is find out where you fit in, what the outcome would be in terms of stopping and the disclosure and "what to do when." But I guess I would recommend making choices that make it all about not drinking in a one-dimensional way, and not letting all the other stuff on the periphery, like friends and their opinions, gain any weight in the process. Eventually you can start to see new buds of life on the tree and let the other branches and leaves drop off if they are not helpful. In other words, you could make new friends and the old ones who can deal with you might still be there. Life is so much bigger than where we are at when we "decide to quit drinking." Don't be stuck in that place, just do it one inch at a time, and that will turn into days and days.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by julez 
The conversation about why you arent drinking can be uncomfortable, I agree. I avoid the conversation, avoid the environment, and when its necessary, I will make something up, like I'm on medication for something. I feel that my recovery for now is my business, and I personally don't want to be under a microscope about it by people who don't understand whats it like to have a problem with alcohol. You sipped, and it turned out ok.....THIS TIME. I am very very glad that you were able to stop before something awful happened.
But I am cognizant of the potential for self-delusion in spinning my situation to others. I am an alcoholic, and taking a drink is akin to playing russian roulette.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Chicago Suburbs
Posts: 18
I guess it's different to me than most who are quitting. Yesterday was my first day of new recovery but I did quit for about 6 months two years ago. When people would ask me if I wanted to get I drink I would tell them, "I don't drink." I said it non-chalantly and confidently, no different than if I were saying "I don't like cheese."
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Wow!
Seems an oft repeated theme here is embarrasment about saying we don't drink alcohol. I am being supportive not critical when I say that we are making much ado about nothing from the perspective of others. I don't go out proclaiming I am an alcoholic nor prosyletize unless asked by one with a problem.
But for old friends or others I simply say no thanks, I am on a health kick. I decided that alcohol and smoking are not doing me any good so I quit. I'm also exercising more and eating healthier. Want a celery or carrot stick? Want to come to the GYM/Walk with me/go the healthy food restaurant for lunch with me? This puts them in a position to answer you, instead of you feeling uncomfortable. If they go on to ask how just tell them the truth, you decided to do whatever it takes to get healthier, and add "why do you want to quit smoking/drinking/eating junk food?
I remember many people that were at functions, dinners, meetings, conferences, conventions, etc that did not drink or smoke, when I was drinking, and to be honest I thought that they were pretty comfortabe in their skins. Your real friends will pat you on the back for doing a healthier lifestyle, and for those that don't, or give you a look, just remember the alcoholic crab story:
Two guys were crabbing on a beach along the Gulf in Louisiana, catching crabs to eat and putting them in bucket. ON catching up with the first guy the second crabber was amazed because he had no top on his bucket, and all of the crabs were staying put! He asked him what he was doing to kepp them in the bucket because if he opens his lid all the crabs climb out?
The first guy said that is simple. I only catch alcoholic crabs. I'll show you how to tell the difference. You see with alcoholic crabs, when one tries to climb out of the bucket, all the other crabs drag him back down into the same predicament they are in.
Stay away from alcoholic crabs, they'll just try to drag you back down.
If they call you on exercising or eating healthy and you aren't already, well that will make you start! With a partner for support.
Seems an oft repeated theme here is embarrasment about saying we don't drink alcohol. I am being supportive not critical when I say that we are making much ado about nothing from the perspective of others. I don't go out proclaiming I am an alcoholic nor prosyletize unless asked by one with a problem.
But for old friends or others I simply say no thanks, I am on a health kick. I decided that alcohol and smoking are not doing me any good so I quit. I'm also exercising more and eating healthier. Want a celery or carrot stick? Want to come to the GYM/Walk with me/go the healthy food restaurant for lunch with me? This puts them in a position to answer you, instead of you feeling uncomfortable. If they go on to ask how just tell them the truth, you decided to do whatever it takes to get healthier, and add "why do you want to quit smoking/drinking/eating junk food?
I remember many people that were at functions, dinners, meetings, conferences, conventions, etc that did not drink or smoke, when I was drinking, and to be honest I thought that they were pretty comfortabe in their skins. Your real friends will pat you on the back for doing a healthier lifestyle, and for those that don't, or give you a look, just remember the alcoholic crab story:
Two guys were crabbing on a beach along the Gulf in Louisiana, catching crabs to eat and putting them in bucket. ON catching up with the first guy the second crabber was amazed because he had no top on his bucket, and all of the crabs were staying put! He asked him what he was doing to kepp them in the bucket because if he opens his lid all the crabs climb out?
The first guy said that is simple. I only catch alcoholic crabs. I'll show you how to tell the difference. You see with alcoholic crabs, when one tries to climb out of the bucket, all the other crabs drag him back down into the same predicament they are in.
Stay away from alcoholic crabs, they'll just try to drag you back down.
If they call you on exercising or eating healthy and you aren't already, well that will make you start! With a partner for support.
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