insane

just rambling.......

i manage/operate a housing program for people with disabilities. most of my work lately revolves around problems with the physical plant. we have leaks everywhere! it was raining hard all day yesterday and we had muddy water coming in all over the place.

i was stressed, but not crazy...there's a difference and i could really feel it. i know its because of al-anon. i couldn't stop the mud, but i could stop myself from totally zapping out. although i did eat about 10 mini snickers bar through the course of the day, (hey i'm not perfect), i still handled it ok. chocolate is my cheesecake. and i'm still a very desirable, good woman even though i have flabby thighs right now.

i think i told you all that my daughter has been a little more sensitive lately and i'm working with our therapist to handle it as well as i can with her. she just doesn't have the words to be able to express her confusion and upset. its so unfair. and i'm trying to be careful about not beating myself up or getting into the whole guilt thing (i come from a long line of greek worriers and guilt trippers)

she had a full blown tantrum last night that went on for 30 min. i felt so bad for her...she even kept screaming "i can't fix it, i'll never be able to fix it"...i was so sad.

but....i didn't abandon her in her pain...i stayed with her and just let her get it out.

i didn't yell, which is a specific behavior i've been working on. i didn't even want to yell. that was a total and complete miracle. i didn't feel out of control, even though i couldn't take it all away or fix it myself. there was something i could do to help her and i did. i was just there and accepted her where she was.

much better that going nuts myself and then having to clean up that mess on top of dealing with her.

but God, it was awful and loud and raw.

after about 30 minutes, i told her i could see how bad she felt and that it was time for me to help her calm down a little. i put her in the bathtub against her will, but she immediately calmed down. i just felt like it was inhumane to let her keep going with no relief.

plus, i didn't want to lose it myself...you can only take so much screaming and crying.

she wanted me to sit with her while she was in the tub and she just wimpered a little.

i told her that there are many things she is capable of fixing, but there are many things she can't fix...and that i know its hard to accept that. i told her that the things she's upset about right now are not her fault. that its mommy and daddy's job to work on these grown up problems and that we are doing that. sometimes problems take a long time to work through. and that we don't always know exactly what the solution will be. i promised her that we will take good care of her. i also told her how sorry i am that this is so hard.

i don't know where those words came from but they came...i'm sure i could have done better, but it was good enough for that moment and better than i've done in awhile to be honest.

she was in there for a long time but by the time she got out, she was back to her old self.

thats pretty much it...just needed to check in.

any one have any guidance on dealing with periodic tantrums? she's ok at school and happy most of the time, but is definitely more sensitive and tender lately. i know why. stress. change. hopefully me getting back on track myself will help her feel better soon.

oh, and i'm starting a therapy support group tomorrow for spouses of addicts. i called my mom and asked her for her help so i could commit to the group for 10 wks and she said ok. i only felt a little guilty.

nakonc

Hi Insane

I know about tantrums because I was the one having them. So maybe I can help you understand her a little.

I basically had them because I felt powerless to change my life. It seemed like nothing I did ever worked. I wanted to change my mom who drank and couldn't, no matter what I tried. I thought if only the world would change I would be happy. I really felt out of control, especially when my mom started saying same old negative stuff - I just couldn't stand her saying the same things over and over and over again.

Only after attending Al-Anon for more than three years did I stop having these outbursts. It took a lot of understanding and the main thing - I started to change my life. I learned finally that I am powerless over others and situations I could not change, but that I have amazing power over changing myself and making my life happier. Only I could do that.

So no more tantrums for me, yay! You cannot imagine what a relief it is to be finally free of them.

So maybe Al-Ateen or something similar would help your daugther find a way out from her difficulties.

Good luck insane and make sure to take good care of yourself, that's the best antidote for such stressful situations. It must have been really difficult for you and emotionally draining too.

insane

thanks so much natasha. i really appreciate your sharing with me.

at almost 7, my daughter is a little young for alateen, i assume, but she has been seen a few times by our family therapist. i'm thinking of getting her with a play therapist or something like that.

her feelings are very much on the surface, she's very sensitive and creative and that might be a good outlet for her.

i've heard of alatot too but don't know anything about it and haven't noticed it in my area of mtgs. anyone else?

journeygal

((((((Insane))))))

I think you did a great job and you should be very proud of the way you handled your daughter. You acknowledged her pain and her feelings and didn't minimize what she was going through. Good job!!!

I haven't heard of alatot, but a play therapist would probably be very good for her.

And don't feel guilty about joining your support group. It's a healthy, positive thing you're doing to help yourself, and the more you do that, the better you'll be for yourself and your daughter.

I was very touched by your post. Keep up the good work!

Hugs,
JG