Come join the pity party...
Curled up in a good book...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Come join the pity party...
I'm coming up to the first anniversary of my divorce and I'm feeling stuck. I'm looking back over the first year of living in my own home and I'm not sure I like what I see.
I feel like I'm just waiting for something to happen. Just treading water. Don't know why. I don't go out any more. I'm seriously isolating. I loved gardening this year but I haven't touched all my other hobbies. Didn't join the classes I did when separated. I had started going to the theatre when separated but now I'm divorced I haven't been once. I've been bad at keeping in touch with the few friends I have. I'm coasting along...
I'm going through some major changes at work that leave me uncertain, confused and exhausted more days than not. I'm well out of my comfort zone and feel like I'm drowning - and I don't have anyone to turn to. All the changes started a month ago and might be why I'm feeling so low.
There is a little light on the horizon. I start counselling again soon. And I bought myself a new light box to perk me up in the mornings. My vet bills have come down again since we finally found a new, working treatment for my oldest cat. So now I have a little money saved.
I'm still in a much, much better place than I was with XAH. Having him second guessing me, making me doubt myself and putting up with his rants and rages are not things I miss!! I like living on my own. But maybe I've let myself get into a rut.
I'm resistant to helping myself too! I've tried to read the damn book a few times. I recognise a lot of myself there but just can't get into it that much. It isn't 'speaking' to me yet.
I've stopped journalling and doing craft stuff. These were good for me - why did I stop? Why don't I just do them again? I guess this thread is a little bit of journalling so I have started!!
Maybe I should post this in the mental health forum but this is 'my' place. I haven't been to the other forums! Is it safe there?
I feel like I'm just waiting for something to happen. Just treading water. Don't know why. I don't go out any more. I'm seriously isolating. I loved gardening this year but I haven't touched all my other hobbies. Didn't join the classes I did when separated. I had started going to the theatre when separated but now I'm divorced I haven't been once. I've been bad at keeping in touch with the few friends I have. I'm coasting along...
I'm going through some major changes at work that leave me uncertain, confused and exhausted more days than not. I'm well out of my comfort zone and feel like I'm drowning - and I don't have anyone to turn to. All the changes started a month ago and might be why I'm feeling so low.
There is a little light on the horizon. I start counselling again soon. And I bought myself a new light box to perk me up in the mornings. My vet bills have come down again since we finally found a new, working treatment for my oldest cat. So now I have a little money saved.
I'm still in a much, much better place than I was with XAH. Having him second guessing me, making me doubt myself and putting up with his rants and rages are not things I miss!! I like living on my own. But maybe I've let myself get into a rut.
I'm resistant to helping myself too! I've tried to read the damn book a few times. I recognise a lot of myself there but just can't get into it that much. It isn't 'speaking' to me yet.
I've stopped journalling and doing craft stuff. These were good for me - why did I stop? Why don't I just do them again? I guess this thread is a little bit of journalling so I have started!!
Maybe I should post this in the mental health forum but this is 'my' place. I haven't been to the other forums! Is it safe there?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Me too bookwyrm, all of the above. And I have a BF so we know not being with someone is NOT the problem. For me, motivation seems to be the problem. Having a lot of distractions does not help either. I've also recently gotten a new job in very unfamiliar territory so feel like a fish out of water. Started taking vitamin D. Trying to do the lightbox every morning for at least a few minutes and get some sunshine when I can. Hope you feel better soon. Maybe we should just move to the tropics.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I'm resistant to helping myself too! I've tried to read the damn book a few times. I recognise a lot of myself there but just can't get into it that much. It isn't 'speaking' to me yet.
sigh......
Beth
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Me too,and where I live there is sunshine all the year round , or most of the year. So we know its not the weather! (although colder weather would be worse for me...)
Why do we stop doing things that we love and contacting people...? is that depression?? how the #%# does one get the motivation? I am too, exhausted from work. But started taking vitamins and ginko and they help.
Counselling will help, I am so glad for you
I haven't even ordered the damn book, for now its still Codie no more... until I get it
Why do we stop doing things that we love and contacting people...? is that depression?? how the #%# does one get the motivation? I am too, exhausted from work. But started taking vitamins and ginko and they help.
Counselling will help, I am so glad for you
I haven't even ordered the damn book, for now its still Codie no more... until I get it
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi B - I want to say that it took strength to admit all this. In the past I too was quick to move on and yet I always ended up in the same place. So I decided that I could either do all these distracting things and realize that I would have to let go of them in order to build something new or slowly make changes as I recover from the relationship.
I think reading the damn book would validate all that you are going through but only when and as you are ready.
We all have to figure out what works for us and it only happens in our own timing.
Keep us posted.
I think reading the damn book would validate all that you are going through but only when and as you are ready.
We all have to figure out what works for us and it only happens in our own timing.
Keep us posted.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Quote:
I'm resistant to helping myself too! I've tried to read the damn book a few times. I recognise a lot of myself there but just can't get into it that much. It isn't 'speaking' to me yet.
i am right there with you bookwyrm..it is on my coffee table. i have read quite a bit of it and highlighted alot. (the markers are right next to it). but there it sits, daring me to do it. just do it.
sigh......
Beth
I'm resistant to helping myself too! I've tried to read the damn book a few times. I recognise a lot of myself there but just can't get into it that much. It isn't 'speaking' to me yet.
i am right there with you bookwyrm..it is on my coffee table. i have read quite a bit of it and highlighted alot. (the markers are right next to it). but there it sits, daring me to do it. just do it.
sigh......
Beth
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
Bookwyrm and all: May I join you in the boat? My divorce was final 3 months ago, but a long time getting there.
I'm happy to hear you're getting back into counseling. I decided today to make an appointment in the morning. I'm wondering if we maybe need this down time? I'm always the one to say I'm fine, jump up and go back into the game. Healing of the body takes time, surely healing of our souls takes time, too. But where does being gentle with yourself end and depression begin? That will be my question for my counselor. I wanted my new place to be just lovely, perfect for the holidays. But it won't be. Painting delays and my lack of motivation contributed. And maybe I idealized the "post-divorce" period...that it would be glorious and fun and sunshine and puppies.
Be well, friends, and thanks for bringing up the topic, Bookwyrm. We have all come so far, one foot in front of the other.
I'm happy to hear you're getting back into counseling. I decided today to make an appointment in the morning. I'm wondering if we maybe need this down time? I'm always the one to say I'm fine, jump up and go back into the game. Healing of the body takes time, surely healing of our souls takes time, too. But where does being gentle with yourself end and depression begin? That will be my question for my counselor. I wanted my new place to be just lovely, perfect for the holidays. But it won't be. Painting delays and my lack of motivation contributed. And maybe I idealized the "post-divorce" period...that it would be glorious and fun and sunshine and puppies.
Be well, friends, and thanks for bringing up the topic, Bookwyrm. We have all come so far, one foot in front of the other.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Bookwyrm,
You do sound depressed...all the signals are there. How about a visit to your Dr, he may be able to help you get your ooomph back.
Grieving does take time, but it is the total of your symptoms that make me think that.
and, I am more comfortable in the mental health forums.
You do sound depressed...all the signals are there. How about a visit to your Dr, he may be able to help you get your ooomph back.
Grieving does take time, but it is the total of your symptoms that make me think that.
and, I am more comfortable in the mental health forums.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
This time last year I filed for divorce and it was final in Jan. For a long time I was just going through the motions of living. It was great to be away from the constant insanity of living with an alcoholic but I was still numb. I started going back to church. I started walking. I've been going to my local AlAnon group and have been working my steps. Last night I invited friends (that I had lost contact with because of XAH) over to watch a ball game and I cooked supper. Today I went and saw the new house they are building. I don't know how to describe it but I feel alive again and it feels wonderful. I didn't think I ever would be me again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I don't know how to describe it but I feel alive again and it feels wonderful. I didn't think I ever would be me again.
Yes, Rolltide, I need to get moving again. Sort of slowed down for a while.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
Originally Posted by wicked 
Yes, Rolltide, I need to get moving again. Sort of slowed down for a while.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
My divorce was eight years ago, no alcohol involved, we just stopped being married I suppose.
I isolated myself, so much that I didn't realise it until just recently.
Lot's of things 'happened' since I got divorced, too many to mention, but I think with each one I isolated myslef a little bit more from a few more people.
It's been a long time, and I'm only now realising how far down I've been. I'm only going up from now on.
I think you're doing really well to recognise so soon that things might not be quite right, way better than I did ( or did I know it but keep myself in denial?) Maybe as well as the counselling your GP could help, balance those chemicals out in the brain for a while till they can do it themselves?
Or post?
Or journal?
Or, I dunno, I just know how you feel x
I isolated myself, so much that I didn't realise it until just recently.
Lot's of things 'happened' since I got divorced, too many to mention, but I think with each one I isolated myslef a little bit more from a few more people.
It's been a long time, and I'm only now realising how far down I've been. I'm only going up from now on.
I think you're doing really well to recognise so soon that things might not be quite right, way better than I did ( or did I know it but keep myself in denial?) Maybe as well as the counselling your GP could help, balance those chemicals out in the brain for a while till they can do it themselves?
Or post?
Or journal?
Or, I dunno, I just know how you feel x
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
One thing I do know is that people need to be with people. I'm not good at socializing and I also tend to isolate. But I know that if I want to feel better, I have to be around others.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Bookwyrm--
I also isolated in the first year after my divorce. Even though I knew it was the right thing and I was loads better out of the marriage... I had only been married 7 years but it was still a big change - a big change in my day to day life and a big change from where I thought I was going and where I was "supposed" to be. I needed a paradigm shift in my mind!
It took me some time to get to know myself and what I wanted out of life again....be gentle with yourself...I think just the fact that you are writing it all out here means you are probably on the verge of some shift....
(((((hugs)))))
Peace-
B
I also isolated in the first year after my divorce. Even though I knew it was the right thing and I was loads better out of the marriage... I had only been married 7 years but it was still a big change - a big change in my day to day life and a big change from where I thought I was going and where I was "supposed" to be. I needed a paradigm shift in my mind!
It took me some time to get to know myself and what I wanted out of life again....be gentle with yourself...I think just the fact that you are writing it all out here means you are probably on the verge of some shift....
(((((hugs)))))
Peace-
B
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 27
Hey, just wanted to share a couple of resources I've been using to get things moving in my life. It's been a some-steps-forward, some-steps-back kind of thing. (Am trying to build a life from scratch in an old/new city, and am currently unemployed.) But, I've found these to be helpful in dreaming/goalsetting:
Day Zero - The Home of the 101 Things in 1001 Days Project
Good for either making steady progress in areas you've already identified, OR for spurring thinking in unfamiliar ones. You commit to 101 goals in 1001 days. They can be massive, or little; progressive, or exploratory.
The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron is a classic. Key exercises: weekly 'artist's dates', in which you commit to a few hours doing something soul-filling; and 'morning pages', basically stream of consciousness writing to 'dump'. (I've not done them in the morning, but find this a useful evening thing.) There's a definite spiritual backbone to this book. I'm agnostic, so have a different framework, which involves... well anyway, if you want to know I'll tell you, but the exercises alone will help.
Lastly, the Pomodoro technique. Which is just allocating 25 minutes to a particular task, and then taking a 5 minute break.
I haven't been able to be consistent with any of the above, frankly - it's can be wearing to work so hard and consciously on yourself, self-improvement takes work. But I aim to apply at least some of these principles and techniques in earnest from tomorrow.
Day Zero - The Home of the 101 Things in 1001 Days Project
Good for either making steady progress in areas you've already identified, OR for spurring thinking in unfamiliar ones. You commit to 101 goals in 1001 days. They can be massive, or little; progressive, or exploratory.
The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron is a classic. Key exercises: weekly 'artist's dates', in which you commit to a few hours doing something soul-filling; and 'morning pages', basically stream of consciousness writing to 'dump'. (I've not done them in the morning, but find this a useful evening thing.) There's a definite spiritual backbone to this book. I'm agnostic, so have a different framework, which involves... well anyway, if you want to know I'll tell you, but the exercises alone will help.
Lastly, the Pomodoro technique. Which is just allocating 25 minutes to a particular task, and then taking a 5 minute break.
I haven't been able to be consistent with any of the above, frankly - it's can be wearing to work so hard and consciously on yourself, self-improvement takes work. But I aim to apply at least some of these principles and techniques in earnest from tomorrow.
Curled up in a good book...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Thanks everyone.
I was with XAH for 18 years - I guess I need to realise that it might take me a little longer to 'recover'. Am I still grieving? I don't really know. He's still in my mind.
I've struggled with clinical depression most of my adult life. I'm on 150mg setraline and have been for the past few years. Maybe I need to talk to my GP and try something new. Yeuck. Changing meds means readjusting to side effects etc.
Bernadette, thanks, I think you may be right. It has taken me all year but I think I'm at the stage where I want to do something different. A change is in the air!
Notforgotten, I have a copy of The Artist's Way on my to be read pile at home. I just need to dig down and find some motivation to get it out and get on with it!
Thank you. Your support means a lot. :ghug3
I was with XAH for 18 years - I guess I need to realise that it might take me a little longer to 'recover'. Am I still grieving? I don't really know. He's still in my mind.
I've struggled with clinical depression most of my adult life. I'm on 150mg setraline and have been for the past few years. Maybe I need to talk to my GP and try something new. Yeuck. Changing meds means readjusting to side effects etc.
Bernadette, thanks, I think you may be right. It has taken me all year but I think I'm at the stage where I want to do something different. A change is in the air!
Notforgotten, I have a copy of The Artist's Way on my to be read pile at home. I just need to dig down and find some motivation to get it out and get on with it!
Thank you. Your support means a lot. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
just wanted to send you big hugs (()) and also a reminder not to put pressure on yourself to be further on than you are, to be doing more stuff than you are, to tally your "accomplishments" and activities against some external standard.
after 18 years of a very difficult marriage you are forging a new life, living in your own home, are financially self-sufficient, holding down a job in very challenging climate, exploring your feelings and modus operandi: these are accomplishments and activities, you have taken holiday time just for you and are learning and exploring new ways of being and enjoying and living life. That's HUGE, and brave and wonderful stuff. In comparison, a few classes and books and nights out which are easy to label as "stuff I have done" whilst valid, seem insipid and shallow set against the real progress you are forging.
In autumn I often find myself preparing for winter, the glorious colours (see Live's thread) lift me, but also I start to dig in a little, it is a natural cycle for me to be more internally facing in winter.
I too struggle with depression, and I have a tendency to isolate in good times and bad (I'm essentially just not very sociable LOL), I am an extreme introvert and the company of others even when very enjoyable saps me of energy, isolating is a coping and grounding mechanism for me, it is protective to my psyche not damaging or a symptom of depression, but can be something I do to stop the depression getting worse. The up-side to this is that I am very self-sufficient, I am often completely fine when completely on my own even in the midst of a crippling black episode, unless I start to judge myself against some external standard for not reaching out/being more sociable/doing more things. We are all different, I have a friend, who starts to have a desperate tone to her voice if she has to spend 2 hours without the contact of other people. We are polar opposites
The damn book, the artists way, craft projects, whatever are not sticks to beat yourself with, if having them around causes you feelings of guilt, lock the damn things away out of sight until spring. You are wonderful, you are doing wonderful things with your life, and wonderful things will come, be gentle with yourself and your expectations of yourself BW. If you want to do different things, reach out a bit more, excellent! but don't feel that you have to or should be or that the last year was a waste, it was all vital and good work
after 18 years of a very difficult marriage you are forging a new life, living in your own home, are financially self-sufficient, holding down a job in very challenging climate, exploring your feelings and modus operandi: these are accomplishments and activities, you have taken holiday time just for you and are learning and exploring new ways of being and enjoying and living life. That's HUGE, and brave and wonderful stuff. In comparison, a few classes and books and nights out which are easy to label as "stuff I have done" whilst valid, seem insipid and shallow set against the real progress you are forging.
In autumn I often find myself preparing for winter, the glorious colours (see Live's thread) lift me, but also I start to dig in a little, it is a natural cycle for me to be more internally facing in winter.
I too struggle with depression, and I have a tendency to isolate in good times and bad (I'm essentially just not very sociable LOL), I am an extreme introvert and the company of others even when very enjoyable saps me of energy, isolating is a coping and grounding mechanism for me, it is protective to my psyche not damaging or a symptom of depression, but can be something I do to stop the depression getting worse. The up-side to this is that I am very self-sufficient, I am often completely fine when completely on my own even in the midst of a crippling black episode, unless I start to judge myself against some external standard for not reaching out/being more sociable/doing more things. We are all different, I have a friend, who starts to have a desperate tone to her voice if she has to spend 2 hours without the contact of other people. We are polar opposites
The damn book, the artists way, craft projects, whatever are not sticks to beat yourself with, if having them around causes you feelings of guilt, lock the damn things away out of sight until spring. You are wonderful, you are doing wonderful things with your life, and wonderful things will come, be gentle with yourself and your expectations of yourself BW. If you want to do different things, reach out a bit more, excellent! but don't feel that you have to or should be or that the last year was a waste, it was all vital and good work
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
(bookwyrm)
i know i can relate to what your experiencing. we've all been thru a lot of changes and it is unsettling.
here are some tricks i use:
1. cultivate gratitude.
2. exercise! even simple yoga in your living room will help move the energy.
3. juice - i can't say enough about juicing fresh, raw fruits and vegetables daily. it is probably the one biggest change i made this year and i'm hooked for life. it works on so many levels...more energy, nicer skin & hair, helps my emotions too...plus weight loss...i just feel better overall.
try to make small changes to take care of yourself. nutrition and exercise are key for me to snap myself out of the doldrums.
i follow this guy to learn about juicing and i have the same juicer as in this video:
YouTube - liferegenerator's Channel
i know i can relate to what your experiencing. we've all been thru a lot of changes and it is unsettling.
here are some tricks i use:
1. cultivate gratitude.
2. exercise! even simple yoga in your living room will help move the energy.
3. juice - i can't say enough about juicing fresh, raw fruits and vegetables daily. it is probably the one biggest change i made this year and i'm hooked for life. it works on so many levels...more energy, nicer skin & hair, helps my emotions too...plus weight loss...i just feel better overall.
try to make small changes to take care of yourself. nutrition and exercise are key for me to snap myself out of the doldrums.
i follow this guy to learn about juicing and i have the same juicer as in this video:
YouTube - liferegenerator's Channel
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
naive, Iam hooked with the liferegenerator guy. Thanks for sharing this, I wish I had that guy in real life to kick my a$$,like a personal trainer!
book, I downloaded this mock "countdown" application
Death Clock Download - Softpedia
Seeing a countdown timer reminds me I won't be around forever, you know? and waking up on Saturday and ending up in the hospital Saturday night, was a clear message to me we never know we will make it to the end of today. And it will have been worth it if we created/found beauty and meaning throughout the day.
For instance today I can take a bath and hate my reality, pain, not being able to move etc. OR I can light my favorite scented candle, take a bath enjoying the feeling of water and asking it to wash away negativity... then take care of myself and put makeup, something I thought was dumb but I now realize it makes a difference in my mood.... take a deep breath..... send a loving message to someone..... meditate for love & peace for all living beings......go about what I need to do with a good attitude and gratitude... well, be a positive force and enjoy what is available to me. OR I can just keep being dead inside- I am saying this about myself, and all my days I have not lived at all, playing the miserable hopeless woman.. where has that taken me? nowhere good. Download the clock, see how you feel....? and watch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXQoY...eature=related
book, I downloaded this mock "countdown" application
Death Clock Download - Softpedia
Seeing a countdown timer reminds me I won't be around forever, you know? and waking up on Saturday and ending up in the hospital Saturday night, was a clear message to me we never know we will make it to the end of today. And it will have been worth it if we created/found beauty and meaning throughout the day.
For instance today I can take a bath and hate my reality, pain, not being able to move etc. OR I can light my favorite scented candle, take a bath enjoying the feeling of water and asking it to wash away negativity... then take care of myself and put makeup, something I thought was dumb but I now realize it makes a difference in my mood.... take a deep breath..... send a loving message to someone..... meditate for love & peace for all living beings......go about what I need to do with a good attitude and gratitude... well, be a positive force and enjoy what is available to me. OR I can just keep being dead inside- I am saying this about myself, and all my days I have not lived at all, playing the miserable hopeless woman.. where has that taken me? nowhere good. Download the clock, see how you feel....? and watch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXQoY...eature=related
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