'If you Don't Like IT - Pack Your Bags ...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
'If you Don't Like IT - Pack Your Bags ...
... you know where the door is.' IT meaning dealing with his drunken abuse.
I hear that almost every day. He is allowed to complain about everything, constantly - ruin my day, my night, my year, my life - but if I get upset about ONE thing, I 'know where the door is'. I've ruined HIS morning, HIS afternoon, HIS weekend, HIS vacation, etc.
I want to walk out that door - I REALLY DO - but anyone who has left must know how difficult it is to figure out how to go about it. He expects that I would just leave - with the shirt on my back - but I have taken care of all the bills and the whole budget for 15 years. Of course he really knows that I'm trapped because I would need his cooperation to leave, which I wouldn't have OTHER than if I walked out the door and left him everything. That's part of what gives him 'the power'.
I know it can't be a simple process to separate everything, organize who is responsible for what, deal with getting my equity out of the house, which I need in order to move on - which if he couldn't mangage to find a way to come up with we'd have to sell. Then there'd be the penalty for quitting the mortgage early - which would be huge right now. Then there's the possibility of him losing HIS dream home and the backlash I'd have to deal with over that. And not to mention the cost of lawyers ... When people say 'why don't you just leave?', I think of all of this, yet I've known of many others doing it - I just don't know how they did.
I wouldn't expect it would be simple, but in his warped mind, he thinks everything is HIS. He thinks the courts would award him everything, because I've ruined his life (all projection). We're not married, but I do know that common law IS 50% and we've co-signed just about everything.
Where does one begin? I know I'm probably going to hear - 'with a lawyer' but how can I even afford to leave until it's all resolved and that could take months (years?) - yet how could I stay, once I'd initiated this? I just don't understand how people can even begin the process and then live through it.
It's not just that. I have NO idea what he'd do if he thought I was really serious about going. That's a whole 'nother issue and could be far worse than anything I could imagine - and then again not - I simply don't know.
I hear that almost every day. He is allowed to complain about everything, constantly - ruin my day, my night, my year, my life - but if I get upset about ONE thing, I 'know where the door is'. I've ruined HIS morning, HIS afternoon, HIS weekend, HIS vacation, etc.
I want to walk out that door - I REALLY DO - but anyone who has left must know how difficult it is to figure out how to go about it. He expects that I would just leave - with the shirt on my back - but I have taken care of all the bills and the whole budget for 15 years. Of course he really knows that I'm trapped because I would need his cooperation to leave, which I wouldn't have OTHER than if I walked out the door and left him everything. That's part of what gives him 'the power'.
I know it can't be a simple process to separate everything, organize who is responsible for what, deal with getting my equity out of the house, which I need in order to move on - which if he couldn't mangage to find a way to come up with we'd have to sell. Then there'd be the penalty for quitting the mortgage early - which would be huge right now. Then there's the possibility of him losing HIS dream home and the backlash I'd have to deal with over that. And not to mention the cost of lawyers ... When people say 'why don't you just leave?', I think of all of this, yet I've known of many others doing it - I just don't know how they did.
I wouldn't expect it would be simple, but in his warped mind, he thinks everything is HIS. He thinks the courts would award him everything, because I've ruined his life (all projection). We're not married, but I do know that common law IS 50% and we've co-signed just about everything.
Where does one begin? I know I'm probably going to hear - 'with a lawyer' but how can I even afford to leave until it's all resolved and that could take months (years?) - yet how could I stay, once I'd initiated this? I just don't understand how people can even begin the process and then live through it.
It's not just that. I have NO idea what he'd do if he thought I was really serious about going. That's a whole 'nother issue and could be far worse than anything I could imagine - and then again not - I simply don't know.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
It is hard. I know, I did it.
For me, it had gotten to the point where I had to get away from his abuse no matter what. So, I walked away.
He kept closing the noose so to speak. He disappeared my car ( I have no idea at all where it is to this day). He kept changing the PIN numbers on our bank cards so I never knew when I could get cash. Etc.
In the end, I borrowed some money from my family, and drove away with the only vehicle I had access to, and what would fit in it.
I don't recommend my way, it's hard to start over at my age with absolutely nothing. And when he tracked me down in the middle of the night and took the car I left in...well, it's even harder to start over with no money, no belongings, and no vehicle.
So yeah, your A could get nastier. Try to plan for that.
I'll say this - things aren't going to get all resolved nice and neat so you can just walk out the door one day. It just doesn't work that way.
Can you support yourself? That would be the first question I'd ask. I wasn't working prior to leaving my abusive A. I had no income at all. I left anyway.
For me, it had gotten to the point where I had to get away from his abuse no matter what. So, I walked away.
He kept closing the noose so to speak. He disappeared my car ( I have no idea at all where it is to this day). He kept changing the PIN numbers on our bank cards so I never knew when I could get cash. Etc.
In the end, I borrowed some money from my family, and drove away with the only vehicle I had access to, and what would fit in it.
I don't recommend my way, it's hard to start over at my age with absolutely nothing. And when he tracked me down in the middle of the night and took the car I left in...well, it's even harder to start over with no money, no belongings, and no vehicle.
So yeah, your A could get nastier. Try to plan for that.
I'll say this - things aren't going to get all resolved nice and neat so you can just walk out the door one day. It just doesn't work that way.
Can you support yourself? That would be the first question I'd ask. I wasn't working prior to leaving my abusive A. I had no income at all. I left anyway.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Could you get some legal advise?
Is the house in both your names or just his or just yours? Is he violent...if he is you could get a restraining order that would make him leave the house.
It does seem overwhelming when you look at the bigger picture and all the things that would have to be done/could happen BUT fear of change keeps us stuck.
Why would you need his cooperation to leave? Half the stuff is yours, no? Does he work away from home? Could you leave whilst he was gone and take what's yours with you?
Can you start putting little bits of money away...open a bank account he doesn't know about and pay small amounts into it here and there.
Having a plan and moving towards it will give you some of your power back. He doesn't need to know what you're up to, you just plan away. Get important papers together, start saving some money for a deposit or rent, when you're ready, you go, don't even tell him. You hire a van, or get some friends or family and when he's gone away from the house, whether it be work or a fishing trip or a drinking bender...you get what's yours and go.
What I'm trying to say is you CAN leave if you want to. You don't have to do it now, you plan and go when you're ready. You take legal advise, you get yourself prepared.
You know, he probably says "you know where the door is" because in his mind you would never leave him but you don't need to worry about what he would do if he thought you were serious about going, he doesn't need to know any of your plans.
Is the house in both your names or just his or just yours? Is he violent...if he is you could get a restraining order that would make him leave the house.
It does seem overwhelming when you look at the bigger picture and all the things that would have to be done/could happen BUT fear of change keeps us stuck.
Why would you need his cooperation to leave? Half the stuff is yours, no? Does he work away from home? Could you leave whilst he was gone and take what's yours with you?
Can you start putting little bits of money away...open a bank account he doesn't know about and pay small amounts into it here and there.
Having a plan and moving towards it will give you some of your power back. He doesn't need to know what you're up to, you just plan away. Get important papers together, start saving some money for a deposit or rent, when you're ready, you go, don't even tell him. You hire a van, or get some friends or family and when he's gone away from the house, whether it be work or a fishing trip or a drinking bender...you get what's yours and go.
What I'm trying to say is you CAN leave if you want to. You don't have to do it now, you plan and go when you're ready. You take legal advise, you get yourself prepared.
You know, he probably says "you know where the door is" because in his mind you would never leave him but you don't need to worry about what he would do if he thought you were serious about going, he doesn't need to know any of your plans.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, it CAN be done.
OK, step one. You get some legal advice about what you do, and don't, have a right to take. If it's something you own together, he has no more "right" to it than you do.
I second the suggestion that you open a secret account and start putting some money away. Do you have a job? If not, you might want to get one. Also second the idea of gathering your personal papers and making copies of any important documents.
When you say "common law"--does your State recognize common law marriage? This is why you need to see a lawyer. You don't have to worry about paying for expensive legal proceedings at this point--you simply need to know what your rights are, and what HIS rights are, and what your options are. This should be a relatively brief consultation--I would think no more than a couple hundred dollars, at most. Call around and ask what it would cost for an appointment to discuss this with a lawyer. You can worry about the details of the house, later--a lot depends on how it is titled.
You are NOT stuck with him forever. You may not wind up with everything you'd like to have in a perfectly fair world, but you can decide, once you have the facts, the way you want to go about it. Get moving, though--knowledge is power!
OK, step one. You get some legal advice about what you do, and don't, have a right to take. If it's something you own together, he has no more "right" to it than you do.
I second the suggestion that you open a secret account and start putting some money away. Do you have a job? If not, you might want to get one. Also second the idea of gathering your personal papers and making copies of any important documents.
When you say "common law"--does your State recognize common law marriage? This is why you need to see a lawyer. You don't have to worry about paying for expensive legal proceedings at this point--you simply need to know what your rights are, and what HIS rights are, and what your options are. This should be a relatively brief consultation--I would think no more than a couple hundred dollars, at most. Call around and ask what it would cost for an appointment to discuss this with a lawyer. You can worry about the details of the house, later--a lot depends on how it is titled.
You are NOT stuck with him forever. You may not wind up with everything you'd like to have in a perfectly fair world, but you can decide, once you have the facts, the way you want to go about it. Get moving, though--knowledge is power!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 24
Good Luck!
I am in a similar position, in that I know I want to leave, but have various circumstances that keep me here.
I like the advice in the last post to put a little money away and start getting things lined up. That should give you (and me) some control in an otherwise out of control situation, and give us a leg up when the time comes.
I'll add to that--if you are working, check to see if your employer has any resources to offer. Mine offers a few free counseling sessions and basic legal advice. Also, you could check in your area for divorce seminars. I have seen half-day seminars offered for $25-30 to give women financial and other advice.
I just found SR yesterday, and it feels like a lifeline. I hope you get the support and advice here that you need to help you through this difficult time. Best of luck--keep posting. I look forward to hearing how things go.
I like the advice in the last post to put a little money away and start getting things lined up. That should give you (and me) some control in an otherwise out of control situation, and give us a leg up when the time comes.
I'll add to that--if you are working, check to see if your employer has any resources to offer. Mine offers a few free counseling sessions and basic legal advice. Also, you could check in your area for divorce seminars. I have seen half-day seminars offered for $25-30 to give women financial and other advice.
I just found SR yesterday, and it feels like a lifeline. I hope you get the support and advice here that you need to help you through this difficult time. Best of luck--keep posting. I look forward to hearing how things go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
I'm so glad I have this 'lifeline' too. The encouragement from all of you is wonderful.
I'd love to be able to put money away - but I've always been in charge of the bills - making sure he always had his $1000. a month for booze - no matter if I've had to find a way to borrow - just to make sure. There just isn't anything to put away. That would only work if I weren't the only one responsible for keeping everything rolling smoothly. I've had no support in that arena. He does work and has a fairly decent income, but I've contributed greatly (working or not) and we still can't ever be ahead. If I want to maintain a half decent credit rating, I have no extra money to put away.
I only have disability payments - which I'm lucky - are pretty good. I could sustain myself with them, as long as I can get my share of the equity out of the house. We'd have to refinance the mortgage, I would get my share, and then I could go. The problem is - I've confronted him about doing this and he's indicated that he won't let me go without a 'war'. Obviously, I don't have the energy (or money) for that kind of war that I have to be strong for - with no guarantee of any good outcome and left to my own devices, on disability and unsure if I even have the energy to take care of myself through it. These are my choices. Stay and put up with constant demands and nightly drunken rants, rages and abuse OR try to find my way out of this 'maze'.
I know if I felt that I were in danger, physically, it wouldn't be an option, but so far he has only broken doors, computers and smashed a few things. He KNOWS where to draw the line, no matter how drunk. He could NEVER allow other people to know the real him. He drinks at home - straight liquor - no ice - no mix. He doesn't drink when we go out - which is seldom. No one can ever know 'Mr. Hyde', except the 'special' people. His reputation for being a good guy is first and foremost. It's the only 'boundary' he has.
I'd love to be able to put money away - but I've always been in charge of the bills - making sure he always had his $1000. a month for booze - no matter if I've had to find a way to borrow - just to make sure. There just isn't anything to put away. That would only work if I weren't the only one responsible for keeping everything rolling smoothly. I've had no support in that arena. He does work and has a fairly decent income, but I've contributed greatly (working or not) and we still can't ever be ahead. If I want to maintain a half decent credit rating, I have no extra money to put away.
I only have disability payments - which I'm lucky - are pretty good. I could sustain myself with them, as long as I can get my share of the equity out of the house. We'd have to refinance the mortgage, I would get my share, and then I could go. The problem is - I've confronted him about doing this and he's indicated that he won't let me go without a 'war'. Obviously, I don't have the energy (or money) for that kind of war that I have to be strong for - with no guarantee of any good outcome and left to my own devices, on disability and unsure if I even have the energy to take care of myself through it. These are my choices. Stay and put up with constant demands and nightly drunken rants, rages and abuse OR try to find my way out of this 'maze'.
I know if I felt that I were in danger, physically, it wouldn't be an option, but so far he has only broken doors, computers and smashed a few things. He KNOWS where to draw the line, no matter how drunk. He could NEVER allow other people to know the real him. He drinks at home - straight liquor - no ice - no mix. He doesn't drink when we go out - which is seldom. No one can ever know 'Mr. Hyde', except the 'special' people. His reputation for being a good guy is first and foremost. It's the only 'boundary' he has.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Um,
Getting drunk and smashing stuff up IS usually grounds for a restraining order. I don't know how recent the last tirade was, but if it happens again, call the police and ask for a RO.
Get the legal advice, though. Start calling lawyers on Monday and get some quotes for the kind of consultation we talked about. You can put a LITTLE money away every week, I'll bet.
Since you pay the bills, what about taking out a SMALL cash advance just to pay for the consult? The interest rates for cash advances is obscene, but with the new credit card laws, anything over the minimum payment has to be applied to the highest-rate part of the balance. A couple hundred dollars or so wouldn't be that unmanageable.
Really--in your situation, once you know your rights/obligations/options, you can start to work up a plan.
Getting drunk and smashing stuff up IS usually grounds for a restraining order. I don't know how recent the last tirade was, but if it happens again, call the police and ask for a RO.
Get the legal advice, though. Start calling lawyers on Monday and get some quotes for the kind of consultation we talked about. You can put a LITTLE money away every week, I'll bet.
Since you pay the bills, what about taking out a SMALL cash advance just to pay for the consult? The interest rates for cash advances is obscene, but with the new credit card laws, anything over the minimum payment has to be applied to the highest-rate part of the balance. A couple hundred dollars or so wouldn't be that unmanageable.
Really--in your situation, once you know your rights/obligations/options, you can start to work up a plan.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
$1000 a month for booze? Sheesh...
He wouldn't let you go without a war? Why is this...Most people wouldn't want to stay married to someone they knew didn't want to be with them.
Do you enable him? Lie for him? Cover up for him? Wash his clothes, mop up his vomit, put him to bed if he's drunk, budget his money to make sure he always has enough for booze, buy his food, prepare his meals, clean up his mess, pay his bills?
If you do then stop. Look after yourself, start doing things to make you happy, treat yourself, get out of the house more, join a club, go to ALANON. Start living for yourself.
So he gets $1000 for booze no matter what? What would happen if you didn't manage his budget? What would happen if you took money for yourself?
It doesn't seem fair that he get's $1000 for booze and you get...nothing?
He wouldn't let you go without a war? Why is this...Most people wouldn't want to stay married to someone they knew didn't want to be with them.
Do you enable him? Lie for him? Cover up for him? Wash his clothes, mop up his vomit, put him to bed if he's drunk, budget his money to make sure he always has enough for booze, buy his food, prepare his meals, clean up his mess, pay his bills?
If you do then stop. Look after yourself, start doing things to make you happy, treat yourself, get out of the house more, join a club, go to ALANON. Start living for yourself.
So he gets $1000 for booze no matter what? What would happen if you didn't manage his budget? What would happen if you took money for yourself?
It doesn't seem fair that he get's $1000 for booze and you get...nothing?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
tryintosmile, I know people like this get violent when shown their consequences (you leaving) so please can you call a Domestic Violence hotline? do you know the # for your area? here are links that may help, especially the last one:
How Abused Moms Decide to Leave
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!)
How Abused Moms Decide to Leave
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!)
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I forgot to say I wish you all the best and am sending good thoughts to you.
I also wanted to say OMG, the ex alcoholic BF I had told me the same words the last time we talked 2 years ago and I am in tears for those words. Yes. 2 years later. Don't worry it was not only the thread, I was already feeling lousy. Those were his same words "if you don't like it, u can leave". In the same "conversation" he also stated his desire to keep drinking "until the last day of his life".
Hard to argue with that one. All that hurt me incredibly. I would like to tell you you are very strong, I did not even marry and lasted a few months with this person, I really can't imagine the pain and all of what you have gone through
but I can tell you there is much hope and I know you will be able to make it through all this and I will be here to cheer you on, why , because you -and me- deserve happiness.. we deserve everything good in life and those hurtful words, is just the pain of the alcoholic, it has NOTHING to do with us. Anyone who menaces, threatens, sheds light in the addiction will be attacked, that is just how it works, and why we need to leave and stay away.
I also wanted to say OMG, the ex alcoholic BF I had told me the same words the last time we talked 2 years ago and I am in tears for those words. Yes. 2 years later. Don't worry it was not only the thread, I was already feeling lousy. Those were his same words "if you don't like it, u can leave". In the same "conversation" he also stated his desire to keep drinking "until the last day of his life".
Hard to argue with that one. All that hurt me incredibly. I would like to tell you you are very strong, I did not even marry and lasted a few months with this person, I really can't imagine the pain and all of what you have gone through
but I can tell you there is much hope and I know you will be able to make it through all this and I will be here to cheer you on, why , because you -and me- deserve happiness.. we deserve everything good in life and those hurtful words, is just the pain of the alcoholic, it has NOTHING to do with us. Anyone who menaces, threatens, sheds light in the addiction will be attacked, that is just how it works, and why we need to leave and stay away.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
Do you have a paypal account? I've used that to stash money away(I also have the paypal debit card so I could then get money out from an ATM, purchase stuff, etc)
Even putting away $5-10 works. Shop grocery sales(I can give you some great links) and keep the extra grocery money to yourself. Have cable? Cut some services, or all of it, just keeping internet(most tv can be found online) Make your own laundry detergent, use natural cleaning products(vinegar is GREAT for cleaning with, and really cheap too)
Even putting away $5-10 works. Shop grocery sales(I can give you some great links) and keep the extra grocery money to yourself. Have cable? Cut some services, or all of it, just keeping internet(most tv can be found online) Make your own laundry detergent, use natural cleaning products(vinegar is GREAT for cleaning with, and really cheap too)
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