New here (sorry, a little long)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 7
New here (sorry, a little long)
Hello, I am a 30 year old female who is new to the site. I have dealt with various addictions over the years, but am currently trying to kick and opiate habit and hoping I can find some support here and possibly offer support to others. Here is the history leading up to my current situation (sorry if this is long):
I was diagnosed with depression as a teen. I'm not saying that this caused my addiction problem, but the mental illness and addictions have certainly fed off from each other over the years. I began smoking pot and drinking in my teens and eventually starting experimenting with LSD, Mushrooms and MDMA, as well.
When I was 21, I learned I had a serious health condition and underwent brain surgery. This stopped my drug use for about a year until I went back to work. I worked at a restaurant where people to party with were easy to come by. I developed a cocaine habit that lasted until I hit my rock bottom (lost my job, my apartment, most of my friends and was seriously in debt).
After some time and effort, I started to put my life back together. Eventually I began dating a guy and we had a daughter together. He was a recreational user of opiates (mostly Hydros) and I occasionally would do them with him. Both of us started to lose control after awhile, but he also got hooked on Benzos and became abusive so I took our daughter and left him. I also deleted our pill dealer's number from my phone and swore to make a better life for my child.
I became exhausted from trying to get it together as a single mom and my mother tried to be helpful by giving me some Adderall now and again to help my energy (she has narcolepsy). It didn't take long for me to become hooked and I was up to 100+ milligrams per day about a year later. I began dating a really good guy (who I am engaged to today) and managed to hide this habit from him. Then I found out I was pregnant with my second child and confessed my addiction to him and quit cold turkey (this was the hardest this I have ever done).
I remained drug-free throughout my pregnancy. This latest addiction took me by surprised and actually started while I was on maternity leave (I feel pathetic even saying this). I had a c-section and was given opiates in the hospital. I felt hooked almost instantly and would watch the clock for 4 hours to pass so I could ask for my next dose. I was sent home with a prescription for a week's worth of Hydros that were gone within two days. My fiance knew people from work who could get pills sometimes (he is in the restaurant biz) and I begged him to get me more. Since then I have used off and on for over a year
I recently realized that my life revolves around doing, finding and thinking about pills and that I hate it. It should be about my wonderful family, but I am just not able to find happiness in anything anymore unless it involves pills. I feel bad even griping because I am not even an everyday user as I know some here are, but I can see it becoming more and more of a problem and that I am using more and more frequently.
I have not taken any opiates since Tuesday, but still feel like a failure because I have used small doses of Adderall to get me get to work and take care of the kids during these past few days of withdrawl. I hope I can find a way to have a drug-free life once and for all.
Thank you all for listening to me
I was diagnosed with depression as a teen. I'm not saying that this caused my addiction problem, but the mental illness and addictions have certainly fed off from each other over the years. I began smoking pot and drinking in my teens and eventually starting experimenting with LSD, Mushrooms and MDMA, as well.
When I was 21, I learned I had a serious health condition and underwent brain surgery. This stopped my drug use for about a year until I went back to work. I worked at a restaurant where people to party with were easy to come by. I developed a cocaine habit that lasted until I hit my rock bottom (lost my job, my apartment, most of my friends and was seriously in debt).
After some time and effort, I started to put my life back together. Eventually I began dating a guy and we had a daughter together. He was a recreational user of opiates (mostly Hydros) and I occasionally would do them with him. Both of us started to lose control after awhile, but he also got hooked on Benzos and became abusive so I took our daughter and left him. I also deleted our pill dealer's number from my phone and swore to make a better life for my child.
I became exhausted from trying to get it together as a single mom and my mother tried to be helpful by giving me some Adderall now and again to help my energy (she has narcolepsy). It didn't take long for me to become hooked and I was up to 100+ milligrams per day about a year later. I began dating a really good guy (who I am engaged to today) and managed to hide this habit from him. Then I found out I was pregnant with my second child and confessed my addiction to him and quit cold turkey (this was the hardest this I have ever done).
I remained drug-free throughout my pregnancy. This latest addiction took me by surprised and actually started while I was on maternity leave (I feel pathetic even saying this). I had a c-section and was given opiates in the hospital. I felt hooked almost instantly and would watch the clock for 4 hours to pass so I could ask for my next dose. I was sent home with a prescription for a week's worth of Hydros that were gone within two days. My fiance knew people from work who could get pills sometimes (he is in the restaurant biz) and I begged him to get me more. Since then I have used off and on for over a year
I recently realized that my life revolves around doing, finding and thinking about pills and that I hate it. It should be about my wonderful family, but I am just not able to find happiness in anything anymore unless it involves pills. I feel bad even griping because I am not even an everyday user as I know some here are, but I can see it becoming more and more of a problem and that I am using more and more frequently.
I have not taken any opiates since Tuesday, but still feel like a failure because I have used small doses of Adderall to get me get to work and take care of the kids during these past few days of withdrawl. I hope I can find a way to have a drug-free life once and for all.
Thank you all for listening to me
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
You can find a way to live drug-free if you really want it.
Obsession is such a big part of addiction, and I was an alcoholic who spent SO much time planning when I would next drink, what I would drink, etc. It was such a relief to finally just stop and be able to have normal thoughts again.
Obsession is such a big part of addiction, and I was an alcoholic who spent SO much time planning when I would next drink, what I would drink, etc. It was such a relief to finally just stop and be able to have normal thoughts again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
Hi brokendownpalace
You definitely can find your way to living sober and clean again - there are so many people here who've done just that and who want to offer support
Do also check out our substance abuse forum too
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome to SR
D
You definitely can find your way to living sober and clean again - there are so many people here who've done just that and who want to offer support
Do also check out our substance abuse forum too
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome to SR
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Land down under
Posts: 433
HI BDP and welcome to SR
You have found a great place that can provide you with a lot of support and understanding, but the journey is yours. If you really want it, you can have it and you deserve a better life for yourself.
You are not a failure, you are an addict. Hate the disease not the person. Once you learn to like yourself a little more you will realise you deserve to be happy.
I would advise you to seek out some medical advise if you think you will have issues with detoxing and it might even be helpful to join NA, considering you have had trouble staying clean.
Hang in there and keep posting. It really does help to know you are amongst people that understand.
You have found a great place that can provide you with a lot of support and understanding, but the journey is yours. If you really want it, you can have it and you deserve a better life for yourself.
You are not a failure, you are an addict. Hate the disease not the person. Once you learn to like yourself a little more you will realise you deserve to be happy.
I would advise you to seek out some medical advise if you think you will have issues with detoxing and it might even be helpful to join NA, considering you have had trouble staying clean.
Hang in there and keep posting. It really does help to know you are amongst people that understand.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 7
Thank you all for the warm welcome. This seems like a really supportive group and I am happy to have found it. I guess I just don't understand why this feels so unattainable now, when I know that I fought addiction and gotten clean so many times before. Also, I want to be clean for good this time. I want to break the cycle of using, getting clean, finding another substance of choice and so on. Because drugs have played such a huge role in my entire adult life I feel like I need to relearn how to have fun and enjoy life the old fashioned way. I just don't know where to begin.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 7
I think I am going to call my doctor on Monday and come clean with her about my problem. I am ashamed and scared of what she will think of me, but I don't see any other options right now. I just don't think I can do this alone, at least not for good.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Land down under
Posts: 433
Good for you BDP!!!
once you take that first step and tell your doctor, you will start to feel the relief. Remember, you have a disease and there is nothing to be ashamed of. I can understand you being a little scared, but you are probably a lot braver than you realise.
If she is a good doctor, she will be supportive - if she isn't find one that is.
Until then, hang out here. Check out the chat room too
There is a meeting in there in about 20 minutes
once you take that first step and tell your doctor, you will start to feel the relief. Remember, you have a disease and there is nothing to be ashamed of. I can understand you being a little scared, but you are probably a lot braver than you realise.
If she is a good doctor, she will be supportive - if she isn't find one that is.
Until then, hang out here. Check out the chat room too
There is a meeting in there in about 20 minutes
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: home
Posts: 205
Originally Posted by brokedownpalace 
I think I am going to call my doctor on Monday and come clean with her about my problem. I am ashamed and scared of what she will think of me, but I don't see any other options right now. I just don't think I can do this alone, at least not for good.
Health > what people think of you.
It took me a while to get over what people would say when I confessed I had a problem - bit I was pleasantly surprised. And it got easier to not care what people think. Please update how it goes.
ALSO I highly doubt this is the first time the doctor has heard this.
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