steve1840

hi all-

rarely in my life have i felt the NEED to be with somebody. i have spent many years outside of relationships quite content. i have had years in relationships equally as content.

of course there were time out of a relationship i would have liked one and vice versa.

in some relationships, especially when i was younger, i did get completly taken over by it. i looked at it as my happiness and basically surrendered my self to it and the woman i was with and always trying to please if i had to for fear of losing the relationship. classic.

in other relationships there were different dynamics, some very healthy, some not.

sometimes i still expereince moments offeeling unlovable, despite my fantastik personality and sense of humor, and my back and forth confidence in my level of attractiveness. i mean i know i am a good person, but some of my shame and guilt issues hold me back- always have. it is part of the reason i fell for my addict- before she was on this stuff- there was the mutual attraction of having a big empty hole to fill. when not in a relationship, i filled it wit hvice. in the relationship, i filled it with the relationship. with her, she filled the hole at first with the relationship, then shifted to drugs.

at the end of some relationships, i spin downward into a seemingly endless abyss.

so, that's a little expose of my inner sanctum.

when i heard about my addict being out on the streets on drugs, i rushed to see her. not necessarily to save her, but just to see her. to be a friend. as we spent more time together, a part of me thought i can help her. then it switched to i can at least help her help herself. it ended with, i cant do a thing to help except not try.

(well i need to cut my thought short to take care of pressing historical archive stuff, but will add to this soon- i am going somewhere with this thought....)

Live

I paid hundreds of dollars to a psychologist...there is only one line that she said that stuck in my memory:

"When we get tired enough of something, we change it don't we."

Pizzed me right off.
and
she was right.

steve1840

live where you wrote pizzed- i saw pizza.

back to my thought-
so i learned i cannot help her. i underestimated how bad of a hold it had on her. i learned from here what it meant ot kill with love. i did not want to participate any more and i wanted to get my life and finances back in order. so, i began to stop enabling when i could. i am sure she started to sense that and maybe that is why she left.

what i am trying to get at is, despite how i come off or what i say, the truth is i realize i cannot help her. i realize i am powerless over her, what she thinks and what she does.

although i have dysfunctional characteristics, there is more to me than that. despite what i seem like, i am usually rather intuitive, i just dont always follow what the intuition tells me. and, despite having been in a relationship with her where i fantasized the happy ending, i realize and trulu feel that there can be no relationship (romantic) while she is in active addiction. i realize that and i do not want that. i don't want to save her, well let me say, i wish i could, i wish someone could, but i know no one can. it saddens me to see how powerful the addiction is.

so, i was being sincere, as sincere as i can, when i was saying yesterday i wanted to see her to let her know i loved her still- as a person, not that she could come back home and we could pretend its all ok. just one person to another. i love you. no more no less. the urge to find her carries on. but, some of hte posts yesterday helped me START to understand that maybe i do not have to tell her that again. the last day she was at my house she stole some money. not a lot, but its allthe same. maybe she feels guilty. maybe it is easier for her to run away from people than face them. i am STARTING to understand that maybe i do not need those answers. i guess my underlying feeling is i care about her, plain and simple