justtired

Of course abf is selfish all the time, but in this case I'm talking about me. I feel that I'm being selfish staying in this relationship. I'm staying out of fear. Fear of the future and fear of change and fear for abf. But it's not what's best for him.. or myself. If I leave maybe it will help him open his eyes and get better instead of staying and just enabling him to keep doing what he is without consequence.

So....

I'm wondering if maybe you guys can tell me how you did it. How you found the strength to leave and also how you told your addict you were leaving. How did they respond? I feel like maybe if I know other people made it through, that maybe I'll feel like I can too.

Thanks everyone... and happy almost-Halloween!

Kindeyes

justtired
Many years ago (27 or 28) I divorced my exhusband. Was he an addict/alcoholic? I don't know....the memory has faded long ago. But I do know that his use of alcohol and drugs caused a problem in our marriage and IMHO, if he wasn't an alcoholic/addict, his behaviors certainly were exactly those of one.

I made my decision when the thought of staying with him was more painful than the thought of living without him. And we had a child who was only 1-1/2 years old so it was a decision I had to make for myself and for my young son. It was the best thing I did for myself at that young age.

Fast forward 27 - 28 years.......I have been married now to my dear husband, whom I met about a little over a year after my divorce, for 25 years. He has shown me what a healthy relationship with a man is suppose to be. I am blessed.

I am now dealing with my beloved son who is an alcoholic and is addicted to meth. I guess my higher power felt I had more lessons to learn and I am finding that I am learning much more now than I did 27 -28 years ago. But I am so thankful that I have a healthy, wonderful life partner to help me through this difficult time.

I hope that you are able to make choices that are best for you.

gentle hugs

justtired

Thanks so much Kindeyes.

I've been stuck in this place for so long. I know I'm leaving. I know I'm not moving forward with him. I'm just standing still. And I can't move... because I have so many fears. And I've TOLD him there's nothing he can do to prove to me that he's not an addict and I tell him why and he just brushes all that aside and just tries harder. He tells me I'm crazy when I say I know he has a problem. The fact that he's going to think that I'm the one giving up and letting him down is really hard for me. I want him to have everything he wants from life so badly. He's worked really hard. We both have. And it's just so hard to give up.

Kindeyes

Moving forward is not giving up.......it is moving forward. Without fear there is no need for courage. You'll know if/when it's time to move forward.

gentle hugs

doggonecarl

When my girlfriend chose a drug bender instead of seeing me upon my return from an out-of-state trip, that was the last straw. I wrote the following down. Next time I saw her, this is what I said to her, verbatim:
-------------------------------
I have decided that I cannot continue is a relationship with a person who has exhibited a pattern of self destructive, unpredictable, irresponsible behaviors brought on by excessive drinking and abuse of prescription and non-prescription drugs. Secondary to that, but also important to my decision to leave is the illegal nature of the drug use and your selling of drugs. Besides the risks to you, there are the risks that my proximity to this activity will have on me, for example trouble with the law, loss of security clearance, impact to career, etc.

You have asked that I reconsider—give you and the relationship another chance. You have expressed the desire, even promised “to be good.” I am not sure what that means. Does it mean, 1) you promise to cease these behaviors—those irrational, irresponsible and unruly actions? Or, 2) cease the root cause of those behaviors, which is the drinking and drug use?

Let’s say your answer is number one, that you will work extremely hard to end or at least reduce the behaviors and actions that upset me. For that to work it means that every time you have engaged in self destructive and outlandish behaviors, every time you have gone on a wild spree or binge, every time you have hurt me, your mom, your daughter, your friends, your co-workers, it has been a conscious choice. That has to be the case, for how else could you decide not to act that way unless it was a choice.

Let me ask you something. Why would you choose to act in a way that was harmful to you? Dangerous to your health? Hurtful to the people you say you love and care about? Frankly, I think only an insane person would make such choices. And I don’t think you are insane…

Which means the way you act IS NOT a choice, which means you can’t promise NOT to act that way. That means no matter how hard you try, no matter how sincere your desire is to change for the better, no matter how many times you promise not to “be bad,” it will happen again.

Because it is not a choice!

You are an addict displaying addictive behaviors. This is not your fault. This is not a character flaw

The drinking, the drugs, and everything tied to their use and abuse is the problem and the reason your actions are too often so negative and destructive. You need recovery, and I can’t help you with that. That’s on you. Goodbye.
---------------------------
How did she respond? She stayed a drunken addict, I moved on and am dealing with my own drinking problems. But back then I knew I couldn't fix her and I had to move on.

hello-kitty

I wrote down my values and what I wanted for myself out of life. I then drew boundaries surrounding the kind of behavior I was willing to accept in my life based on what my values were. These boundaries were "I" statements. I made up consequences for violating my boundaries - these were the things I was going to do if someone did something around me that violated my personal boundaries and values. Then I taped up my boundaries on my bathroom mirror so that every day I would be reminded of what REALLY mattered to me. When in doubt, I refered back to my boundaries. And I stuck with them. No matter what. I knew what was right. And I started to behave in accordance with what was right.

It was very simple because it was all written down and staring me in the face every morning.

How did he respond?

Badly. But that was to be expected. He was losing his biggest enabler. He didn't like that. Eventually he got over it and found a new enabler though.

If you are that scared of making a change in your life, you may want to try counseling to work through what's causing your fears.

Good luck.

newnormal4me

My heart goes out to you as I've been dealing with the same issue. I saw a lawyer for the first time last November. Then really saw one on July 2...my AH wasn't officially served until Oct 21! I think I'm the queen of stalling, and finding reasons to hope just one more day he will miraculously wake up. It hasn't happened, and I am finally tired of being sick and tired. It has been a long, long process for me and I'm not through it yet, simply right at the beginning. There is no easy route that I could find. No magic. But I will say that reading here helped me tremendously in getting my own jaded view righted. Stay strong...keep reading and working on you. You will eventually find the right choices for you. Take care.

coffeedrinker

It took me two years from the time I knew I wanted out of my marriage. I stalled, questioned, and took tiny, baby steps.

Going to see an advocate (volunteer attorney) at a women's place was the first concrete step. Going to see the attorney I ended up choosing to assist me was the second. It made it real, and she made me feel that I could really do this. I too was paralyzed by fear. I needed someone - an expert - to show me that financially I could, and that made me feel that emotionally I could.

The next thing was that I found myself at a 4th step workshop. It was an 8-part series - extensive. And one day one of the excersices was to think of a goal, and tell your workshop partner about it. Out popped "I want to tell my husband I want a divorce". Once said, and serious about the work, I had to follow through. That opportunity came later that very day, when he did yet another thing that disappointed our daughter. I calmly and quietly told him that I needed this marriage to be over.

It was amazing how when I really made the decision, the actions followed. Not malicious, not ugly, not blaming, just said what I wanted.

justtired

Thank you all for your stories... they really are giving me strength. It's really helpful to hear how much happier people are now living their peaceful lives.

The biggest fear that I can't let go of is my fear of hurting him. He's just this emotionally fragile person and he's turned me into the one stable thing/person in his life. I know he created this situation himself, but I still feel like I'm letting him down. I know how he's going to feel and I don't want to make him feel that way. I don't want to hurt him.

I'm still leaning towards writing a letter. Does that make me a coward? I've tried leaving a couple times and he's just so good at wearing me down. If he wants something, he will find a way to get it. He is the best "debater" I've ever met and the thing is, it's not a debate, but it always turns into one. And I just can't seem to win.

doggonecarl

This seems at odds with the person you describe as "emotionally fragile." If he's an addict, he is more likely manipulative, fragile when that works...but will emotionally beat you down if that works.

myernie

Justtired- Leaving is never easy, no matter the situation. It took me a long time to decide and actually follow through with leaving my exh. He tried everything to make me change my mind. I am still to this day not sure how I did it, how I stood firm in my decision. I just realized that my life with him was going no where, he just kept bringing me down. He was not an addict in the terms of substance abuse but he did have his drinking problems and would spend money on ANYTHING. He begged me to change my mind for months, years but all the while was with other women. To this day he tries to make me feel guilty for the way his life turned out. He got remarried 6 weeks after our divorce was final, 6 months after I made him leave and they are miserable.

You just have to make your choice, figure out your plan and do it. Try to stay strong and avoid the manipulation tactics.

newnormal4me

"I know how he's going to feel and I don't want to make him feel that way. I don't want to hurt him."

Try not to focus on this! I would imagine that he has made you feel pretty horrible with his addiction. You have been hurt. I have had several people, including some here, tell me to take the emotional out of it. That has helped me see things a bit more clearly. Not saying it is easy, cause it's not!

Take care.

Babyblue

Leaving anyone is difficult. addict or not. The best thing for me is to visualize my life as I want it without this other person. I think you will get to that point and just know. When you are ready that is. In the meantime, plan and take the steps needed to find that life for yourself. Staying in a relationship for the wrong reasons, esp someone with an addiction problem, will slowly eat away at you. My son's dad sort of chipped away at my soul because I was too scared to hurt him. But at a huge cost to myself.

Talking about it, bringing it out in the open is a big first step I think once you set your mind to it, the momentum will get you going.

hello-kitty

You need to take care of yourself. No one else will. If you allow yourself to be treated like a doormat by a drug addict, that's all you are going to get out of life until YOU decide to make a change because YOU are worth it. It doesn't matter how weak and emotionally screwed up he is. You can't fix him. He needs professional help. You must be your own advocate.

You can fix yourself though. Who's going to take care of you if you don't? Certainly not a weak, emotionally unstable drug addict.

justtired

You hit it on the head here. I've been feeling for a long time that I am on my own. Everything is always about him and all of his issues. Health issues, depression issues, surgery etc. etc. etc. He can't be, and never is, there for me. I want a partner in life. I WILL NOT have children with him and subject them to this life. I KNOW I'm going to have to leave. If I could just get my foot out of this dang quicksand I'd be running for the hills!

AND, why can I not get over thinking that I'M going to hurt him?? He's hurting himself. He's making choices and these are HIS consequences. I KNOW all this. I'm a logical person... really I am. I just have a hard time with emotional conversations and I suppress emotion. I avoid emotional confrontation whenever possible. I know I'll do it sooner or later. Just wish I could find it in me to do it sooner.

Freedom1990

As long as you view him as emotionally fragile, you will stay stuck.

outtolunch

[QUOTE=justtired;2750702]

If I leave maybe it will help him open his eyes and get better .....QUOTE]

This sounds like some "wishful thinking" stuff.

Just noticed that you created a thread of a similar title and theme almost 2 years ago. Nothing changes, if nothing changes..

Leaving may open your eyes and help you get better.

justtired

[QUOTE=outtolunch;2753762] I wouldn't really say it's wishful thinking... I know that he will probably not just magically get better. And even if he did, I'm pretty sure I still wouldn't go back. But I know that my staying lets him believe that everything is "ok" and keeps him from his consequences that could allow him to seek help.

It was just about 2 years ago that all this started. I do feel that I'm in a better place now... I understand my situation better now. It's still hard, but I'm getting closer. I've had a rough couple of years. Between finding out abf was abusing his meds and then I was laid off from my job. My business is struggling from the economy and neglect from abf. I'm just trying to get on solid ground.

Thanks everyone for your help. It really has helped me. You're all right, I need to change the way I look at him. Looking at him as someone who is fragile who I'm going to "break" is my main issue. This has helped me to see that. Lots and lots of good advise here. I'm sorry I don't comment more on other posts or offer advise. I just don't feel like I'm in the position to offer much right now. But I'm forever grateful for the great advise from all of you here.

Angelic17

Opivotal, For me it took alot to walk out on my exah. I had a one year old baby with him, and he was stoned every night. I had no money, and no place to go. One day, after a drunken rage, I just said enough is enough. I packed my clothes while he was at work, and went to stay with my sister. That was 28 years ago. I knew he wasn't good for me or my son, and I did the right thing. Leaving him allowed me the chance to meet my now husband who I have been with for 25 years. The longer you stay, the worse it is. You know it's not right, or you wouldn't be posting this. You can give him an ultimatum, but I doubt that will work. Does he know how you feel about his drug use?
You already know what to do. Change is always scary, but something better is out there waiting for you. You will get the courage. I'm sure you know that you can't change him, but you can change what you do regarding him. I really hope you get away from him. You can definitely do better. Your a beautiful person.

fourmaggie

ok...so you see all the responses....I wanna know is, are you going to AL ANON...?? if you started this about 2 years ago....Al Anon is always there with the tools and support you need ...do you have a sponsor to talk too?....but I am sorry, none of it has been mentioned....