What IS it with A's and their stupid resentments?
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
What IS it with A's and their stupid resentments?
I mean really.
AH has this pattern of looking like everything is just fine, but he's really stuffing STUPID ****, resentments he basically makes up towards me.
On a regular basis, he blows or takes some other type of absurd action because he's so resentful. His words.
it's like a well oiled trap. Never know when it'll pop up.
Thankfully we don't live together and I don't buy into it anymore.Not for a nano second. I just recognize it, and say, "buh bye now. Buy bye." And go home or hang up the phone or make a clear boundary.
But seriously-it's pathological, this pattern of his. Regular folks don't do this, at least I don't.
AH has this pattern of looking like everything is just fine, but he's really stuffing STUPID ****, resentments he basically makes up towards me.
On a regular basis, he blows or takes some other type of absurd action because he's so resentful. His words.
it's like a well oiled trap. Never know when it'll pop up.
Thankfully we don't live together and I don't buy into it anymore.Not for a nano second. I just recognize it, and say, "buh bye now. Buy bye." And go home or hang up the phone or make a clear boundary.
But seriously-it's pathological, this pattern of his. Regular folks don't do this, at least I don't.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Heh,
Um, like the rest of us don't have resentments? Er, I know I'm an alcoholic, but I was FULL of resentments way before I became one. I resented the alcoholic I was married to. I resented people who got on my nerves.
I still have some of those kicking around, and a few new ones.
Um, like the rest of us don't have resentments? Er, I know I'm an alcoholic, but I was FULL of resentments way before I became one. I resented the alcoholic I was married to. I resented people who got on my nerves.
I still have some of those kicking around, and a few new ones.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
True, Lexi, we all have resentments, but what I've noticed with AH is a special process surrounding his resentments. It's even more pronounced now that I don't take on the blame. Now that I leave him to his own little cycle of resentment.
Maybe I shouldn't paint it as an A thing, but rather just something he does. I've heard my ex who has been sober something crazy like 30 years talk about how important it is to deal with his resentments because it could make him relapse.
I just don't process like he does. I have solar flares of anger, which I attribute to the PTSD, but I have been gifted with the ability to let go, and even before working the program I didn't cycle around resentments like he does. And when he does talk to me about them like a grown up instead of punishing me or doing passive aggressive stuff or being an outright jerk, most of them are absurd. I think he doesn't talk about them much because when he does, in the context of reality they dont' make much sense.
Oh, I'm answering my own question. He's a drunk! And he imagines stupid stuff that, when given a reality check, show him how insane his thought processes are.
Ugh, this is taking up too much of my time. Like I said, he just has a special bizarre relationship with his resentments. It ain't normal..
Maybe I shouldn't paint it as an A thing, but rather just something he does. I've heard my ex who has been sober something crazy like 30 years talk about how important it is to deal with his resentments because it could make him relapse.
I just don't process like he does. I have solar flares of anger, which I attribute to the PTSD, but I have been gifted with the ability to let go, and even before working the program I didn't cycle around resentments like he does. And when he does talk to me about them like a grown up instead of punishing me or doing passive aggressive stuff or being an outright jerk, most of them are absurd. I think he doesn't talk about them much because when he does, in the context of reality they dont' make much sense.
Oh, I'm answering my own question. He's a drunk! And he imagines stupid stuff that, when given a reality check, show him how insane his thought processes are.
Ugh, this is taking up too much of my time. Like I said, he just has a special bizarre relationship with his resentments. It ain't normal..
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
We all act what we learned as children. I actually felt some compassion trying to imagine him as a small kid with his parents or caregivers making up resentments and blaming him for things he didn't do. But that is his stuff to heal- or act out ad infinitum.
Transformie, what are you doing today to bring you peace? I know you are overworked, stressed etc like me, so I would like to know what your plans are.
For me its dressing up and acting like my character the whole day! it will be fun!!
Transformie, what are you doing today to bring you peace? I know you are overworked, stressed etc like me, so I would like to know what your plans are.
For me its dressing up and acting like my character the whole day! it will be fun!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
oddly enough my ex did this to me yesterday too was blaming me for all the jobs hes lost past and present cos apparently he couldnt work while i was there and now it was the woman he cheated on me for was her fault she lost him the latest job a few days ago nothing is ever their fault is it and boy does he resent it doesnt seem to connect the fact that he lost em cos of the drink hes putting in his mouth that if he was sober it wouldnt of happened cos he is good at what he does when hes not out of his face on drink
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 32
My alcoholic sister does this too. Always tries to act like she is the good guy and then crosses all kinds of boundaries when she uses. Then when we need to pull back she rages and send hateful, abusive, emails that keep rehashing past events. I have learned I can't be around her very much. It's hard but that is who she is right now.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Bookwyrm-he is the most passive aggressive person on the planet. It's scary. It's taken me so long to sort it out, in fact, I was in "how to leave your passive aggressive husband: mode before I found this site and started understanding the dynamic of alcoholism between us.
L2L-what does that mean? Stinking thinking?
L2L-what does that mean? Stinking thinking?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Kansas for now
Posts: 100
What I find is that I have become wary in the most ordinary conversations because I know resentments are sprouting within AH as we speak. The resentments may not be expressed for days, weeks, months, years -- and then there I am, bushwhacked by some innocent, sincere, casual words I uttered so long ago, I have no idea exactly what I said or why -- plus -- you know -- things in which there is no basis whatsoever to find offense. Then there are conversations meant to share and/or improve mutual understanding where you think you may have finally gotten through -- only to find out much later that he resents what you shared and doesn't get it any more than he did before.
Its disconcerting -- this harboring of multiple resentments while denying they exist -- but that goes along with the stinkin thinkin -- and logic is a complete stranger to my AH anyway. That's why I gave up on communication and understanding.
Its disconcerting -- this harboring of multiple resentments while denying they exist -- but that goes along with the stinkin thinkin -- and logic is a complete stranger to my AH anyway. That's why I gave up on communication and understanding.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
I agree with the drama thing and the using resentments as an excuse to drink (or do pretty much anything) is well documented.
Just musing here, but does anyone think that resentments are sometimes also a method of manipulation or control? Or rather, that the expression of a resentment can be that? Guilt-tripping and power-playing as a method of keeping the other person "in their place".
Just musing here, but does anyone think that resentments are sometimes also a method of manipulation or control? Or rather, that the expression of a resentment can be that? Guilt-tripping and power-playing as a method of keeping the other person "in their place".
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Kansas for now
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by Bolina 
I agree with the drama thing and the using resentments as an excuse to drink (or do pretty much anything) is well documented.
Just musing here, but does anyone think that resentments are sometimes also a method of manipulation or control? Or rather, that the expression of a resentment can be that? Guilt-tripping and power-playing as a method of keeping the other person "in their place".
Just musing here, but does anyone think that resentments are sometimes also a method of manipulation or control? Or rather, that the expression of a resentment can be that? Guilt-tripping and power-playing as a method of keeping the other person "in their place".
So do you suspect some resentments are not genuine -- merely tools of manipulation? I mean -- the A doesn't honestly feel resentment, but knows he/she can fake resentment to control S.O. ? I could believe that.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
What I find is that I have become wary in the most ordinary conversations because I know resentments are sprouting within AH as we speak. The resentments may not be expressed for days, weeks, months, years -- and then there I am, bushwhacked by some innocent, sincere, casual words I uttered so long ago, I have no idea exactly what I said or why -- plus -- you know -- things in which there is no basis whatsoever to find offense. Then there are conversations meant to share and/or improve mutual understanding where you think you may have finally gotten through -- only to find out much later that he resents what you shared and doesn't get it any more than he did before.
Its disconcerting -- this harboring of multiple resentments while denying they exist -- but that goes along with the stinkin thinkin -- and logic is a complete stranger to my AH anyway. That's why I gave up on communication and understanding.
Its disconcerting -- this harboring of multiple resentments while denying they exist -- but that goes along with the stinkin thinkin -- and logic is a complete stranger to my AH anyway. That's why I gave up on communication and understanding.
Today I don't really give a rats ass why he does what he does, I just know I'm sick to death of it and need distance AGAIN. It all falls on ME. What I'm capable of dealing with, and I'm having another intense bout of endometriosis, so I"m exhausted and dealing with so much pain that I can't freaking deal with his BS. Ordinarily I'm patient and detached but I just can't pull it off when this is going on inside my body.
I think, however, that he's progressing in his disease and becoming more and more crazy. Which means I need to A) stop trying to make sense of it, I mean who do I think I am Naive? And B) refocus on myself and being completely
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Daybreak, I don't think it is as simple as being out and out fake. I think a lot of manipulation that goes on (on both sides of the alcoholic/non-alcoholic equation) is sub-conscious. It's just something that has worked in the past. And I do believe that the resentment is felt as sincere, however the roots of it are perhaps not grounded in reality. I think I need to have some understanding of the nuances of resentments, mine and those of others, in order to navigate the choppy waters of relationships (intimate or not).
Sorry to hear you are not feeling well, transform. Hope you are better today.
Sorry to hear you are not feeling well, transform. Hope you are better today.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I certainly don't think alcoholics have the market on resentment. I know I carried a boat load and I've known two co-dependent women very closely that were fueled by resentment much of the time.
I would buy that an alcoholic does not work through resentment, often has resentment built up over what seems like such minor silly stuff, and in general doesn't make much sense about it. Might be due to what the alochol does to their reality and thought processes - especially if they have been alcoholic for a number of years. In general just have zero insight. At least the woman I knew recognized it some of the times....until the one started drinking. Then insight leaves the building to make room for rightious indignation and endless pity parties.
I would also agree that my xah might go the extra mile with the resentments that could be used to induce guilt and/or manipulate. Guilt and manipulation were the big guns in his arsenal and he could spot it a mile away.
I would buy that an alcoholic does not work through resentment, often has resentment built up over what seems like such minor silly stuff, and in general doesn't make much sense about it. Might be due to what the alochol does to their reality and thought processes - especially if they have been alcoholic for a number of years. In general just have zero insight. At least the woman I knew recognized it some of the times....until the one started drinking. Then insight leaves the building to make room for rightious indignation and endless pity parties.
I would also agree that my xah might go the extra mile with the resentments that could be used to induce guilt and/or manipulate. Guilt and manipulation were the big guns in his arsenal and he could spot it a mile away.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
transformie,
perhaps there's something you can do to distance yourself even more from your x-nut?
i went to my xah's house to retrieve a couple of things two weeks ago, and i'm still bothered by the scene there. it is a reminder to keep the distance as much as possible. i don't have to know about his life, i don't have to make any assessments, i don't have to be bothered that he is not living the way his good brain and heart deserve to live.
stinkin thinkin:
a term coined by the a.a. folks.
refers to your mixed up ways of seeing things and thinking and responding to stuff.
it's messed up and why the addict continues to attend a.a....to get their heads right.
i think it's what one A will say to another, as a kind of caution that their mentality is going off course.
perhaps there's something you can do to distance yourself even more from your x-nut?
i went to my xah's house to retrieve a couple of things two weeks ago, and i'm still bothered by the scene there. it is a reminder to keep the distance as much as possible. i don't have to know about his life, i don't have to make any assessments, i don't have to be bothered that he is not living the way his good brain and heart deserve to live.
stinkin thinkin:
a term coined by the a.a. folks.
refers to your mixed up ways of seeing things and thinking and responding to stuff.
it's messed up and why the addict continues to attend a.a....to get their heads right.
i think it's what one A will say to another, as a kind of caution that their mentality is going off course.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Sorry if I'm snappy about this, but I"m not saying A's have the corner market on resentments- but that the A's in my life don't have the garden variety resentments, they have a love affair with resentments and it's bizarre to me. I mean, AH doesn't just have resentments he LOVES them, he nurtures them, they control cycles of his life. I don't know why, I"m not saying they're manipulative, it's just really crazy to me.
I have resentments too, but don't have that kind of relationship with them. My AF did the same thing- he held onto things for DECADES and brought them up in bizarre ways when I least expect it.
That's what I'm talking about. Resentment is a natural human emotion. Mine manifested into PTSD because I spent so much of my childhood in complete abandonment/neglect/abusive mode but that's a whole nother animal.
No, resentments for me are a hassle, when I become aware of them, I'm uncomfortable enough to get rid of them. I don't roll in them, like my dog does in the most vile crap she can find..
I have resentments too, but don't have that kind of relationship with them. My AF did the same thing- he held onto things for DECADES and brought them up in bizarre ways when I least expect it.
That's what I'm talking about. Resentment is a natural human emotion. Mine manifested into PTSD because I spent so much of my childhood in complete abandonment/neglect/abusive mode but that's a whole nother animal.
No, resentments for me are a hassle, when I become aware of them, I'm uncomfortable enough to get rid of them. I don't roll in them, like my dog does in the most vile crap she can find..
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
