eastcoaster22

I have been with my bf for about a year and he recently went to rehab on his on decision. For about the last 4 months was when I got more knowledge of his addiction and over time he would be more open with it(telling me how much he spent, when he was getting it, ect). I have been reading a lot about codependent relationships and have been wondering if I am a codie or do I just support him with my love. Our relationship is very happy we both are very affectionate and are open with each other and our emotions. He is an addict(opiates) but we never fought about his addiction, we would talk it out and think of the best steps to take. When he was feeling depressed about his situation I would always recommend he go to meetings or make more appointments with his therapist. We did speak about possibly rehab but not that in depth. He finally realized that he needed to go and checked himself in right away. Never did I give him money, be in denial about his addiction, or felt it was a one sided relationship. We shared duties while living together, he cooked, I cleaned and we both would participate in keeping our place livable. I sometimes did feel like his mother(he could be lazy) but then again what woman doesn't? I think that we both had some neediness when it came to each other because we never really wanted to be a part, we love being with each other. Are these signs or a codependent relationship? And if so, will it be something that can ruin the relationship when he comes home after rehab?

hello-kitty

It sounds like you've been very supportive of him during his addiction. Addiction is a family disease. We ALL need recovery from it - addicts and the loved ones of addicts. The best way to support an addict in a recovery program is to work your own recovery program.

Have you looked in to Alanon or Naranon meetings? These will help you deal with any codependency issues that you might have. Alanon or Naranon meetings will also help you recognize any enabling behaviors that you might have unknowingly developed and help you create new healthier patterns of behavior that will support him in his new found RECOVERY not his ADDICTION.

Freedom1990

Have you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie yet?

Kindeyes

eastcoaster
Just as alcoholism/addiction is often classified as a result of behaviors, the same goes with being co-dependent. Freedom's suggestion of reading Co-Dependent No More is a thought. Melody Beatty dedicates the first couple of chapters to identifying the behaviors that classify us as co-dependent. If you read it, you will either recognize yourself or you won't. Your answer probably lies in those pages.

But believe me, based upon my own personal experience, co-dependents experience their own serious denial issues. Sometimes it's not that we love too much but that we love in the wrong ways.

Check it out. It's a good read.

gentle hugs

outtolunch

Do you accept him as is or long for him to be the person you want him to be?

Chino

Amen, amen and AMEN!

eastcoaster22

I definitely accept him as he is. He is great. Extremely smart, funny, and is very caring. This is the best relationship I have been in. I have read so many posts about non-addicts relationships with their addict partners and I don't relate to any of them. Yes he is an addict but it was never a downfall in our relationship. He was active in meetings/therapy and tried to get sober but realized he couldn't do it on his own. It's really hard to describe a relationship with an addict in one relationship. The only thing I long for him to be is someone who is sober and working on recovery. He needs to work on himself and get to know his addiction and the tools to help him recover.


Thanks for all the insight

Babyblue

I can relate to your post eastcoaster. I too say I have a good relationship but that can only go so far with an addict. Yes, there are those addicts who can sustain relationships in spite of their disease but the problem with this is we end up rationalizing their illness. Which is different than denial. That is where the co-dependency kicks in. Addiction is progressive. Untreated it only gets worse. Normalizing an addiction as just part of the life of their loved one is where things get problematic. In fact there are 3 in the relationship: you, the addict and the addiction. You can make that third 'person' feel comfy and accepted to keep peace and harmony. But the addiction is set up to sabotage even the best of couples. It is a selfish mistress.

I'm saying this because I too have a 'great' relationship.We communicate, he is sweet and kind, wouldn't hurt a fly. I even fool myself into thinking, so what if he drinks or uses, as long as he isnt hurting me, no harm no foul right? Wrongo. Yet Codependency for me isn't about doing or not doing things, it is about rationalizing a very serious thing to the point of not acknowledging how his addiction really makes me feel -- accomodating something (the addiction) at the risk of my own sanity. I have to check myself from time to time or I could easily become almost complacent while the chaos starts to become a normal part of life.

keepinon

I like everything that babyblue said.When I reread your post..the tone was so normalizing of living with someone who is using oxys?heroin? you can't get any more hard core than that. It blows my mind he was able to function as well as you say. My daughter nosedived into complete filth,living on someone's floor, within 4 mo. of going at it. That's where opiate addiction winds up usually sooner rather than later.
I would definately reccomend going to al or anranon . He's in recovery and it's the best gift you can give the addict AND yourself.
Was it really that good relationshipwise..I am seriously curious cuz my daughter was a hot mess!

eastcoaster22

The relationship that my bf(oxy addict) and I have is as normal as you can get. When we met we instantly knew we had an amazing connection and love for each other. He was a functioning addict. He has a good job, pays his bills, and lead a "normal" life. From looking at him and being around him, you would never know. He always told me that using didn't even get him high anymore, he just needed it for function normally. It is a serious addiction and I don't know how he kept it together. There were times of depression and feeling ashamed and after feeling that way for a few months he knew he had to do something and check into rehab. The other stories I have read about addicts are truly sad. I am thankful my bf never reached that level.