codie thought
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codie thought
i have been asked many times- why do i want to stay w her, what does she offer etc.
it just clicked
she had a troubled child hood, has a way dysfunctional family etc. i am not trying to make any excuses for anything, but it was pretty shabby for her and she has personality disorder.
why cant i just walk away?
because i feel bad doing so. of course there are the good reasons to like i like hanging with her when she was not doing the hard drugs. but it feels like she needs more/special/ love. she can use someone with a good heart in her life. i realize this is not healthy talk, but it is jsut sometihng i realized and wanted to share.
it just clicked
she had a troubled child hood, has a way dysfunctional family etc. i am not trying to make any excuses for anything, but it was pretty shabby for her and she has personality disorder.
why cant i just walk away?
because i feel bad doing so. of course there are the good reasons to like i like hanging with her when she was not doing the hard drugs. but it feels like she needs more/special/ love. she can use someone with a good heart in her life. i realize this is not healthy talk, but it is jsut sometihng i realized and wanted to share.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
if we were hanging out IRL I would ask you if we couldn't talk about something else.
You say your world doesn't revolve around her but it sure sounds like it.
There are lots of ways to expend a good heart. I will pm you one.
How do you like the cool weather?
It's making me want to cook soothing foods.
I am thinking about chili tonight...but if my guy will go to the grocery I really want bar-b-q pork chops and scalloped (with cream of mushroom soup) potatoes and brussels sprouts.
and chocolate pudding.
You say your world doesn't revolve around her but it sure sounds like it.
There are lots of ways to expend a good heart. I will pm you one.
How do you like the cool weather?
It's making me want to cook soothing foods.
I am thinking about chili tonight...but if my guy will go to the grocery I really want bar-b-q pork chops and scalloped (with cream of mushroom soup) potatoes and brussels sprouts.
and chocolate pudding.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I know you mentioned having had addictions yourself in the past.
It appears to me that you have switched chairs on the Titanic.
Have you ever considered getting involved in a 12-step program for drugs or alcohol (not sure what substance you abused)?
You can pick apart, analyze, and rationalize till the cows come home, but until you take action, it really doesn't do much good.
It appears to me that you have switched chairs on the Titanic.
Have you ever considered getting involved in a 12-step program for drugs or alcohol (not sure what substance you abused)?
You can pick apart, analyze, and rationalize till the cows come home, but until you take action, it really doesn't do much good.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 47
i too had a bad childhood and i too find it hard to walk away. but there is a limit. any normal person feels sad for a person who is in trouble and they naturally want to help but they realise when they cannot help and walk away. i feel that there are subconcious reasons as to why i can't walk away. i was abandoned as a child, and i can see how i wouldn't want to abandon anyone. but i have to think that if i am trying to save another person i am abandoning myself. who should i save? i should save myself first and always.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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Steve
It's hard to stay with someone just because you feel sorry for them. I'm not sure that it makes for a solid relationship. I think you mentioned that you are going to meetings and have seen a therapist. Those are such positive steps. It takes time. Be kind and gentle with yourself and you'll get there. Change in ourselves doesn't happen overnight. Sometimes it takes a very long time.....but I can see that you are trying.
gentle hugs
It's hard to stay with someone just because you feel sorry for them. I'm not sure that it makes for a solid relationship. I think you mentioned that you are going to meetings and have seen a therapist. Those are such positive steps. It takes time. Be kind and gentle with yourself and you'll get there. Change in ourselves doesn't happen overnight. Sometimes it takes a very long time.....but I can see that you are trying.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
I can understand that steve, I have asked myself that often. my ah has no family, no siblings and all relatives are deceased. he is bipolar as well.
I truly feel sorry for him. but I also enjoyed many years with him as well, he was a kind sincere,honest loving hard working person. all that has gone now. I often think of him ,the old him, and its hard sometimes to remember that its not him anymore. thats the hard part moments were we get happy,angry, sad and forget who they have become. I had to (and still do)keep reminding myself over and over again after each thought or action with him that its the drug,its addiction. my family, our friends,coworkers still love him and feel sorry for him. But we all had to step away from his addiction. truly the hardest thing I ever went through.
I truly feel sorry for him. but I also enjoyed many years with him as well, he was a kind sincere,honest loving hard working person. all that has gone now. I often think of him ,the old him, and its hard sometimes to remember that its not him anymore. thats the hard part moments were we get happy,angry, sad and forget who they have become. I had to (and still do)keep reminding myself over and over again after each thought or action with him that its the drug,its addiction. my family, our friends,coworkers still love him and feel sorry for him. But we all had to step away from his addiction. truly the hardest thing I ever went through.
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Steve,
When in the thick of things with my son, I used to feel sorry for him often. I had a terrible time of letting go, because I felt he needed to know that someone loved him, warts and all.
But you know what? I've since realized that most of what I did, or felt I needed to do wasn't for him at all. It was for me.
That whole time I was by his side willing to hold him up because he needed me, the truth was that I needed him more. I needed him to need me.
Tough pill to swallow.
And that whole time, deep in the back of my mind, I needed to know that when he got better, he would know that it was Mom who saved him ( and he would forever-after heed my advice). I was willing to rob him of any chance of owning up and taking responsibility, because I couldn't let go.
Just some food for thought...
When in the thick of things with my son, I used to feel sorry for him often. I had a terrible time of letting go, because I felt he needed to know that someone loved him, warts and all.
But you know what? I've since realized that most of what I did, or felt I needed to do wasn't for him at all. It was for me.
That whole time I was by his side willing to hold him up because he needed me, the truth was that I needed him more. I needed him to need me.
Tough pill to swallow.
And that whole time, deep in the back of my mind, I needed to know that when he got better, he would know that it was Mom who saved him ( and he would forever-after heed my advice). I was willing to rob him of any chance of owning up and taking responsibility, because I couldn't let go.
Just some food for thought...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My addictions/alcoholism and codependency were all very deeply intertwined.
It just so happened I hit the recovery for my addictions/alcoholism first because I was literally days away from dying due to my IV meth addiction.
My relapse after 4 years clean/sober was due largely to untreated codependency.
When I finally hit a bottom in my codependency and unhealthy/toxic relationships in 1999, I had been clean/sober again for 9 years. How I did NOT relapse again over that 9-year period is due to God's grace.
Today I work recovery on both fronts, my addictions/alcoholism, and my codependency.
Just something to think about.
It just so happened I hit the recovery for my addictions/alcoholism first because I was literally days away from dying due to my IV meth addiction.
My relapse after 4 years clean/sober was due largely to untreated codependency.
When I finally hit a bottom in my codependency and unhealthy/toxic relationships in 1999, I had been clean/sober again for 9 years. How I did NOT relapse again over that 9-year period is due to God's grace.
Today I work recovery on both fronts, my addictions/alcoholism, and my codependency.
Just something to think about.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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live-
i love the cool weather almost as much as i love food. i was set on making creamy mushroom soup tonight from scratch with some sherry until i saw the word scallop in your post. now i want grilled scallops. too bad my bank account is still busted. i will check out that link.
freedom-
pot was my main addiction, but used other things at times. it basically was a rock star sex, drug, and rock and roll lifestyle of a non-profit salary, so it stopped working for me. good thing is i always stayed safe, never hurt anyone, and never used anyone. in my 2nd year as an undergrad and then later as a grad student i quit smoking and concentrated on my studies. i guess that was sort of a switching of seats. then when i statered dating this woman, i quit again, definately switching seats that time. iafter we broke up i switched back, but the instant i heard she was in trouble i switched again. now i am having some temptation to switch again, but i think i am just goingto jump ship and get on another boat. maybe the lusitania- wait that sunk too.
summer-
i wasnt abandoned necessarily, i just never had anything other than terror and fear. i ca nremember as far back as 4th grade wanting a girlfriend so i could give and receive love. i never had a healthy attachment as a kid. i am used to abandoning myself for someone else. when i was in my pot addiction, i was totally content being alone. i'd listen to music and paint and write, but i would then wish i had someone to share my life with. i should think to save myself and if it came down to it in a crises i guess i would, but until then i am an easy sell to give myself up for another.
kindeyes-
it is not a healthy relationship. even when the drugs were not involved i could sense that sometimes. yes there were loads of good times, but primarily it was one sided. if she was not addicted, i would have an easier time having to leave her. but knowing that she is an addict and all that goes with it, feel that need to stick by her in some capacity. i am goingot keep on trying to improve myself though.
tam-
ias bad as the situation is for your ex, it is somehow good to know that i am not alone in this situation. part of me tried so hard because i hoped she can/will stop before the old her is totally gone. the beautiful smile, the laughter, the the dreams, all going away. and i fear it is a rapid decline, but i have to have faith that she will get better and be that person again.
cece-
there was a bit of a selfish part in me early on that liked being needed in some way, but when the reality of the addiction's power sank in, it had nothing to do with me. i do relate to what you are saying though, as i do have some of that in me. i am glad that i am getting to the point you reached to let them go to take responsibility. now if i can only muster the strength and courage to own up to my own responsibility to me.
i love the cool weather almost as much as i love food. i was set on making creamy mushroom soup tonight from scratch with some sherry until i saw the word scallop in your post. now i want grilled scallops. too bad my bank account is still busted. i will check out that link.
freedom-
pot was my main addiction, but used other things at times. it basically was a rock star sex, drug, and rock and roll lifestyle of a non-profit salary, so it stopped working for me. good thing is i always stayed safe, never hurt anyone, and never used anyone. in my 2nd year as an undergrad and then later as a grad student i quit smoking and concentrated on my studies. i guess that was sort of a switching of seats. then when i statered dating this woman, i quit again, definately switching seats that time. iafter we broke up i switched back, but the instant i heard she was in trouble i switched again. now i am having some temptation to switch again, but i think i am just goingto jump ship and get on another boat. maybe the lusitania- wait that sunk too.
summer-
i wasnt abandoned necessarily, i just never had anything other than terror and fear. i ca nremember as far back as 4th grade wanting a girlfriend so i could give and receive love. i never had a healthy attachment as a kid. i am used to abandoning myself for someone else. when i was in my pot addiction, i was totally content being alone. i'd listen to music and paint and write, but i would then wish i had someone to share my life with. i should think to save myself and if it came down to it in a crises i guess i would, but until then i am an easy sell to give myself up for another.
kindeyes-
it is not a healthy relationship. even when the drugs were not involved i could sense that sometimes. yes there were loads of good times, but primarily it was one sided. if she was not addicted, i would have an easier time having to leave her. but knowing that she is an addict and all that goes with it, feel that need to stick by her in some capacity. i am goingot keep on trying to improve myself though.
tam-
ias bad as the situation is for your ex, it is somehow good to know that i am not alone in this situation. part of me tried so hard because i hoped she can/will stop before the old her is totally gone. the beautiful smile, the laughter, the the dreams, all going away. and i fear it is a rapid decline, but i have to have faith that she will get better and be that person again.
cece-
there was a bit of a selfish part in me early on that liked being needed in some way, but when the reality of the addiction's power sank in, it had nothing to do with me. i do relate to what you are saying though, as i do have some of that in me. i am glad that i am getting to the point you reached to let them go to take responsibility. now if i can only muster the strength and courage to own up to my own responsibility to me.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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freedom-
i think part of the reason i am in this situation is due to my own untreated codependency and untreated love addiction. i am seeing how this is all related. that is something to think about. it like there are five things going on at once.
i think part of the reason i am in this situation is due to my own untreated codependency and untreated love addiction. i am seeing how this is all related. that is something to think about. it like there are five things going on at once.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by steve1840 
i am having some temptation to switch again, but i think i am just goingto jump ship and get on another boat. maybe the lusitania- wait that sunk too.
Personally I like this one, and it looks pretty darned sturdy too!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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I noticed near the end of my relationship with XABF that the reasons to leave were always on my mind and yet the reasons to stay required far more digging to find.
I had read here how you would know it was time to walk away when the reasons to leave outweighed the reasons to stay.
These days I realize that digging 6 feet under to find my reasons for staying surely meant the relationship had been dead for while and I was just late to the funeral.
In recovery, I learned that healthy thinking is looking about 90% forward and 10% back. Can't drive very well if your always looking in the rear view, but glancing back now and again lets you see progress and understand how you got to where you are. Helps, too, when you've a hit a road block and need some clarity. I've made some discoveries in the last week in just that way.
Alice
I had read here how you would know it was time to walk away when the reasons to leave outweighed the reasons to stay.
These days I realize that digging 6 feet under to find my reasons for staying surely meant the relationship had been dead for while and I was just late to the funeral.
In recovery, I learned that healthy thinking is looking about 90% forward and 10% back. Can't drive very well if your always looking in the rear view, but glancing back now and again lets you see progress and understand how you got to where you are. Helps, too, when you've a hit a road block and need some clarity. I've made some discoveries in the last week in just that way.
Alice
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Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by steve1840
Q: why cant i just walk away?
You still believe you can control her and her choices and it's really about not being able to control yourself.
I say this as someone who walked in your shoes and no snark is intended or implied.
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hey outtolunch-
i didnt feel a bit of snark- intended or implied. i am asking this question with pure sincerity, because i might be missing something right under my nose:
you wrote that i cannot walk away because i am still trying to control her and her choices.
i totally get that people do this, and i totally getthat i may done so myself, whether i meant to or not. but i am not able to put that together with what i ahve done recently or with wanting to say hi or i love you.
to me, i see the controlling of her and her choices and saying stuff like- you need to go to rehab, or dont you think rehab is a better option, or i'll let you stay with my for aweek if you'll go to rehab, or give the lecture like- you are killing yourself, how canyou do this etc. i'm not sayingto her- you are making a mistake, you are wrong or anything like that.
i feel that i am much more able to accept thatthis is her choice. i just want her to know i still love her as a person even though i do not agree with the choice.
despite my asking this, i do respect your opinion
i didnt feel a bit of snark- intended or implied. i am asking this question with pure sincerity, because i might be missing something right under my nose:
you wrote that i cannot walk away because i am still trying to control her and her choices.
i totally get that people do this, and i totally getthat i may done so myself, whether i meant to or not. but i am not able to put that together with what i ahve done recently or with wanting to say hi or i love you.
to me, i see the controlling of her and her choices and saying stuff like- you need to go to rehab, or dont you think rehab is a better option, or i'll let you stay with my for aweek if you'll go to rehab, or give the lecture like- you are killing yourself, how canyou do this etc. i'm not sayingto her- you are making a mistake, you are wrong or anything like that.
i feel that i am much more able to accept thatthis is her choice. i just want her to know i still love her as a person even though i do not agree with the choice.
despite my asking this, i do respect your opinion
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
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so send her a note that says you love her and move on?!?
I like that yacht, seriously now...and I just had some clam Chowder..love the sounds and tastes of the sea/ocean. Steve can make some grilled scallops.
I will even shave my legs for this...a little bit of a tan couldn't hurt.
I like that yacht, seriously now...and I just had some clam Chowder..love the sounds and tastes of the sea/ocean. Steve can make some grilled scallops.
I will even shave my legs for this...a little bit of a tan couldn't hurt.
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
A: your ego
You still believe you can control her and her choices and it's really about not being able to control yourself.
You still believe you can control her and her choices and it's really about not being able to control yourself.
"If I just show him/her I love her then they will realize they are doing themselves wrong"
"If I tell him/her how much I care, then they'll see that there's another life waiting for them", or
"If I don't remind them that I am here for them, they may forget about me"
I've been guilty of all the above
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you know what I like, Steve, about living with out addictions?
#1) no more constant emergencies that disrupt any thing and every thing.
He cooked up some cajun pork chops and I made fried potatoes.
The door is open and the fan is on, so there is a cool breeze and I am not bored.
#1) no more constant emergencies that disrupt any thing and every thing.
He cooked up some cajun pork chops and I made fried potatoes.
The door is open and the fan is on, so there is a cool breeze and I am not bored.
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