HideorSeek

My heart goes out to all those who are new and coming back. Believe me, I understand. I joined SR in April '08 and didn't achieve sobriety until May '09. I used to sit in AA, or post here, and think "Why can't I GET it? I have been thinking about what held me back and it seems to me that the single most important factor was the realization that alcohol was not the solution to my problems, but the cause of them. It was a very deeply embedded coping mechanism that I had learned long ago. The other crucial realization was that it was NEVER going to be different; I would always want more than a few, I would always feel horrible the next day, I would always feel such shame. For as long as I had ANY doubt, as soon as I felt better, I would go back to it. And sobriety wasn't going to just "happen" to me, I had to take responsibility for myself and take action. These realizations were my "dark night of the soul", or surrender, in AA terminology. The last night of my drinking, I started to cry before it even reached my stomach and I thought "Enough, I cannot live this way, I don't WANT to live this way".

Those first few months were very hard....like a car going from 4th gear into reverse. I had to consciously establish new patterns, develop new coping mechanisms and learn to reprogram my "thinker". For quite awhile, I had to concentrate on NOT drinking, until the "habit" had loosened it's hold. This wasn't easy and I felt like I always had to be vigilant. I knew I had to find NEW coping mechanisms to replace my drinking, so I took up Yoga and meditation. I have a squirmy mind by nature and alcohol "calmed me", so I needed to find other behaviors that would give me that same calming effect. But this was a tough stretch...the transition period, in my mind.

After I felt I had a bit of a handle on sobriety, I had to begin the earnest business of recovery. I drank for many "reasons" and I knew that I would never be free until I addressed them and found peace with my soul. To me, not drinking is sobriety, whereas recovery is being happy about it. My own path took me through the Steps. At first, I thought that they focused only on alcoholic behaviors, but soon discovered that they went much deeper than that and presented a plan for a "way of living". And this process is ongoing...everyday catching myself, readjusting my thinking and, hopefully moving forward.

I know that none of this is new to anyone and I am convinced that this journey is an individual process and progression. No one could "make" me ready. I had to come to that myself, in my own time. I feel very grateful that I DID have my "dark night of the soul", because without it, I would still be out there. I am more content than I have ever been in my whole life and, looking back, see my previous behavior as if it belonged to a different person. I am supremely grateful that I am where I am, but know with certainty that I would not be here, had I not been there.

What feelings or events lead you to your own "pivotal point"?

least

That was 'it' for me too. Finally being able to 'see' what I was doing to myself and how awful it would always be if I didn't stop. The shame and self hatred just got so bad I couldn't stand it anymore and I knew in my heart and soul it could only end badly for me.

I didn't want to put my family thru the anguish of my early death or any of the other problems that come with drinking so much, so often. I did'nt want to have an accident and hurt or kill myself or anyone else.

My last relapse was almost 11 months ago and since that time I've been 'waking up' to the endless possibilities of the joy of living, not just existing. The first few months were very hard as I was breaking the habit of escaping and didn't know what to do with myself in the meantime. But I noticed at about five or six months that I no longer wanted to drink, not even when things got rough. I replaced the habit of drinking with a new habit: gratitude! What a huge difference that made! Instead of complaining and crying about things out of my control, I started to be grateful for the good things in life... and the more I was grateful, the more there was to be grateful for!

Call it a spiritual awakening, an attitude adjustment, call it whatever you like - I was a Whole New Person! My life is still rough at times: there's never enough money, and there's always a problem or two or three to cope with. But I'm never going back to that deep dark hole I'd dug myself into. I like being responsible for my own happiness these days.

LawMama

Thanks for sharing. This hits home for me because I am in the thick of discovering new coping mechanisms and it is tough. They say that "the good news is, we feel our feelings again. The bad news is, we feel our feelings again" or something like that, and it is so true for me. It is nice to hear someone say that they had to concentrate on not drinking, because even at 100+ days sober there are times I still find myself wishing I could just get f-ed up and not think. I have to actively work, still, on not doing that. In meetings I hear a lot of people say "god took away my desire to drink" and so far that has not happened to me. I pray for it though.

Anyway, to answer your question. My pivotal point came when I realized I had lost my soul through drinking away all my emotions, if that makes any sense. I had a middle of the night, drunk temper tantrum about a failed relationship and got to a point where I wished for death so I didn't have to feel pain anymore. I realized that my pattern of antidepressants, alcohol, drugs, men, rinse and repeat was destroying my spirit and the gifts god has given me. I knew something had to change and I had tried everything else.

Of course I didn't quit drinking after that night. Instead I drank really really hard for a few more days and then crawled my butt into an AA meeting and got my desire chip. I decided to try it for a few days and sometime during those few days god started working in my life and I realized I am an alcoholic and I need to be working the steps with a sponsor, not drinking, etc, rinse and repeat.

bellakeller

My pivotal point is a sort of passive one but I also consider myself lucky to be so loved. It came when my therapist and husband insisted that I go to rehab.

They wouldn't take "No" for an answer and they helped get me into one of the best rehabs in the area. I am so grateful for that. I am also grateful that my young children indirectly reinforced this bottom line.

"God said 'No' this time for a reason." was the first thing I wrote when I got into rehab.

I've learned and grown more in recovery from people saying "no" to me than from people allowing me too much rope.

Thanks for this interesting thread.

HideorSeek

That's interesting, Bella. My family was probably very close to that point. I guess what I'm getting at is why that moment and not before? Had I gone to rehab before I'd thrown in the towel (and I'm only guessing here), I don't think it would have made a difference. Perhaps that's the key to the AA phrase "entirely ready".

And Lawmama, I remember being perplexed by the phrases "spiritual awakening" and "God removed my desire to drink". That may, in fact happen to people, but for me, it was more the realization, one day, that I was much happier NOT drinking. It was the accumulation of positives. I think that a lot of us agree, that in the end, alcohol didn't deliver what we thought it would. But it DID deliver much negative stuff: hangovers, panic attacks, horrible shame. So, at some point, I stopped asking myself "why not" and started to ask "why", if that makes sense. It ceased to hold any allure because the benefits of recovery were so clear, as were the negative consequences.

Least, you and I have walked alongside each other for quite some time and I think that our stories are similar. Not making assumptions but I think we each banged our heads against that wall, over and over, but one day stopped and said "why am I doing this?"

Again, I think it is less mysterious than at least I thought. Many times, when I couldn't get it, I felt as if I were looking through a glass wall. I could see the other side, but couldn't get there. The first key, at least for me, was that I was powerless and there was absolutely nothing I could do that would ever give me that control again (surrender). And the second was realizing that I didn't need it or want it in my life ever again (freedom).

Bamboozle

It was a number of things, but mostly the dawning realization that nothing I was doing was making my life any better.

Dee74

I nearly died - not from drinking directly but from falling and injuring myself.

That really put everything in perspective for me - I knew I needed another way to live or my time would not be long - that level of fear may not last, but that day really was a life changing moment for me...

I stopped trying to accomodate my drinking, and started to learn to live with my alcoholism....

real before and after type stuff

D

Anna

I agree with you that it is up to each of us to take action. Recovery is not going to happen to us, we need to make it happen and we can.

HideorSeek

Thank you, everyone, for your replies. Regardless of how or why we found recovery, let us all thank our lucky stars that we did and pray that others find their way.