EveningRose

I keep thinking I'm doing really well with all of this. There has been backstabbing, badmouthing, critiquing of me on matters on which they truly know nothing. My husband, I now know, has been lying to me about women and money throughout our marriage, and my mother is telling people I'm imagining things. My dad has told me to my face I'm imagining all the ugly things he did and said (and no doubt telling people I'm making it all up. I can't even imagine how crazy people must think I am, hearing this stuff from my parents.)

I've worked hard at minding my own life, seeing that I'm getting healthier with distance from them, and happier. I have gotten good at praying for them and focusing on all the good in my life.

But right now, I'm sliding back into ANGRY. I took some chances, started a business of sorts, work long days promoting, and am getting great reviews. My siblings have made it quite clear that they expect to be my 'friend' on facebook (I briefly defriended one because of her veiled comments referring to me, and she had a fit and demanded to be let back on), they want access to all my posts, even though they never respond to anything, and now, I've started a page for my business, and they can't so much as be bothered to click like on it. It's not just about the lack of a 'like,' but about understanding that no matter how well I do, unless I agree with them that I'm a screw-up and promise to mend my ways (not sure how I could even if I wanted to, since it's all irrational anyway), and apologize for actually objecting finally to the abusiveness--unless I do that, they won't show the slightest bit of support, no matter how much I accomplish. It's about realizing if I were brown-nosing them despite their abusiveness, they'd be helping me out, talking it up, getting behind me, etc.

I don't know why this ticks me off so much. It's not like I expected anything different from them. It's not like I counted on their support, and I'm doing fine without it. (Although I'd probably do even better with it.) But the fact is, I don't NEED their support to succeed in this.

Sometimes, I think I went too many years without getting really angry. I was always so forgiving, and the same things just kept happening. Now I've backed way off because the behaviors never change. But in this situation, anger serves no purpose. Is it good to be angry as it keeps reminding me who they are, or is it something I should once again work at getting rid of?

Am I even asking the right questions?

sesh

I believe all of our emotions are there for a reason. It seems to me, that you've been surpressing that anger for a long time. I believe it could do you good to let yourself feel it, aknowledge your feelings, explore them and work with them. I belive that kind of thing can only help you move to a healthier place.
I think anger is as healthy as the next emotion, as long as you don't stay stuck in it, so it starts working against you.
My advice is start processing that anger, give yourself persmission to do so, and than be open to see where will it take you.
You don't owe anyone anything but yourself
take care

Hollyanne

Hi EveningRose,
Congratulations on the new business. Agree with Sesh (again).
Get angry!!!! Then move on. I am similar, you do all this work on yourself, only to look back down the mountain and they are all still at the bottom! Not only have they NOT climbed with you, but they are pissed coz you get to see the great view. AND THEN, they will try to say, "it ain't so great".
I am laughing at the Facebook thing. You might think of giving them all a big shoutout everyday! That would freak them! Also, regarding the "don't rock the boat" attitude, What can you do really? Nothing. Return to marriage etc for quietness sake? Status quo is what they are comfortable with. Leave them off. They all love you in their way but as I see in my family, emotional cripples are not able for much. They have made mistakes/poor choices but are uncomfortable and even unaware of them. Also, it really is hard enough changing and fixing ourselves without worrying about everyone else. Put all that energy into you!
As regards, why it bothers you? Because it hurts, that is why. We all want support and our families are supposed to be there for us. You have to look outside your family, good friends are priceless. Things that you just want to get off your chest without repercussions can be said here. And wait until you get a load of the support and advice!!!!

May I suggest, youtubing M-People's song "Look for the hero inside yourself".
It is a wonderful anthem and she has a great voice!!!!!

tromboneliness

It's okay to unfriend relatives you don't like -- I've nuked a lot of mine!

T

GingerM

Remember that anger is a secondary emotion - you have to feel something else first. I'm guessing in this case, you're feeling hurt and betrayed (again). Rather than addressing the anger, address the cause of the anger. Why are you hurt that your siblings did exactly what they've been doing? Do you get hurt when you discover that rain is wet (still)?

What caused you to change your expectations of their behavior this time? Did they give you any solid reason to, or was it wishful thinking?

If you can resolve what's under the anger, you can live a more peaceful life. That's not to say you won't ever be angry. Anger is a good way of our psyche's telling us that something is really amiss and out of whack in our lives. To focus only on the anger however, will lead you down a path of addressing the symptom and not the root cause.

No emotion is inherently bad - it's what you do with the emotion that counts.

cymbal

For me anger is a pointer to my expectations.

What am I expecting? Am I expecting someone else's behavior to change? It gets dicey when I project what I believe the response of others "should" be because they're not me. They don't think the same way I do. They have their own baggage they drag along. I project about how I would react or respond, but they have different perspectives and perceptions, and we're all me focused. What about me?

I actually like anger as it is energy. It propels me forward. I don't think I'd ever clean without it. :~)

I read a book,"Make Anger Your Ally" by Neil Clark Warren that totally changed my perspective and perception about anger. I can no longer "blame" or hold anyone responsible for my anger except myself from whom its emanating.

I agree that anger is a human emotion neither good or bad. I get angry often.

Thank you for letting me share.

mikefreak

Let's face it- anger is sometimes justified, and, like someone else said, it's there for a reason. However, it should only be used when there is a valid reason for it, NOT as a knee-jerk reaction.

EveningRose

Ginger, I have been contemplating this question for a month. I think I told myself they'd always be the same. I think that somehow deep down, nonetheless, I expected that they would see I could go on and live my life and do something good, and I think I expected them to maybe reconsider and see some good in me, and maybe make some effort at reconciliation.

I think I thought that, given time, they'd realize if they want a daughter/ sister, they have to finally be the ones to make some changes. Maybe it was based on the saying, "You teach people how to treat you," and I thought if I didn't go back for more of the same behavior, they'd care enough to change that behavior. Apparently, they don't.

I think I expected that, given time, they'd cool off and see things a little more clearly and maybe have the space to think that they could be doing things a little differently, too.

So, yes, I think I did have some expectations. Maybe it was wishful thinking. I have a close friend I've known since high school who said, in regards to the success I'm achieving, that she thinks I've always aimed high, trying to please my parents and finally get some acceptance out of them. I'm still thinking on that one. I love certain fields, and I've always been driven, and I have no idea if that has anything to do with growing up in an alcoholic family. Or how much it matters where those traits come from.

As to my expectations, I suppose realizing I had them is the first step to not having them in the future.

GingerM

Good for you! Yes, realizing you have the expectations is the first step. Expectations can be really sneaky - they like to hide behind all kinds of other things that are much easier to identify, so often they go unnoticed.

If you can find them, you can work with them. Wonderful progress!

mbucek

This is so true!

utopia

Evening Rose, I was really helped by your sharing. I still struggle at times with acceptance of the powerlessness over family members. Aware now that I hurt that they have not always come with me in my realisations about alcoholism and its effects and the abuse and trauma in our shared past.

Today, thanks to my Higher Power and Alanon I live very comfortably and have so many blessings around me, but I can still be irked by the cunning, baffling and insidious nature of this illness. Today I'm reminded to slow it down, and just take today for today, to let go and let God and to realise feelings are not facts, it is the actions i take with my feelings that lead to consequences. Today I will try and think about the consequences I would prefer in my life and the consequences that leave me feeling most safe, secure and healthy. Love.

kilt

Anger can be a good thing, a very good thing, if it spurs you into taking positive action. First off, create a different FB acct with a fake name and let your close friends know about the new acct so they can join you there. You can explain to them that given all the privacy issues of the web, you think it would be better if you posted your thoughts and feelings anon. Let your other FB acct languish with a lack of attention. Feel free to hide your previous posts and just never visit or update it. Tell your family you are too busy to be goofing off on the net. Make sure to create a new email acct to align with you new FB acct so no one could search you on FB using your email address. Use every FB security.

As for your crazy ass family. The are crazy. You are not. They are negative and a drain on your happiness. Really, shouldn't family want you to be happy? If they are part of the problem, just build up your social network and create your own 'family' comprised of friends and people who are genuinely supportive. I had to do this with my own family and while I know it can be very hard, you need positive people around you. You don't have to make any big break or make a big stand. Just say you are very busy now with new things...school, volunteer work, political work, work, etc. The more you are around people who like and respect you, the more you will realize how stupid your family really is.

hopingforlife

Right on.