Starlynn

This may be totally irrational but I am so angry at my ABF's cousin. She is the only one in his family that knows he is still drinking (we used to talk early on in the relationship quite a bit) and said she was concerned but does nothing. She always says she will bring it up to him but never does. She also said she would talk to his sister months ago and never did. I didn't feel comfortable and thought maybe someone else should know in case something happened to him. His cousin has marital problems and seems to seek what her relationship lacks from her cousin (my BF). He never drinks around her so I feel like she is happy as long as her needs are met. She has told me repeatedly to get out of the relationship, that she wouldn't blame me for leaving and that I shouldn't do things for him. But then she will send emails for him to save his house (it's in foreclosure) or make phone calls on his behalf, pay for everything when they have a night out (he is always broke)... He is 40 years old and needs to do things for himself. I feel like I have certainly been enabling him to get away with not taking responsibility for himself and his actions but shouldn't she encourage him to do things for himself as well?

He has canceled on her when they have had plans and she just says it's ok, that she would never tell him she is upset. (she can't stand for him to be mad at her) I really want to tell her it's because he stayed home and drank because I feel like she thinks he can do no wrong. She also writes a ton of stuff on Facebook about how wonderful it is when they are together and writes a blog which often includes details about him. She texts him nonstop including sending lots of photos of herself which I find a bit odd. I guess partly I am jealous because he says how wonderful it is when they go out and why can't I be like that (because according to him I am never happy) Well I guess if we only saw each other when he was sober it would be great for me too!

I can't stand that his family thinks he is sober and wonderful when I am in so much pain. And that no one else is trying to guide him or help him. I sometimes don't hear from him for a day or two at a time and if I text his cousin that I am worried she doesn't even respond. Is she in denial as well?

Is it completely irrational to be so angry at someone's family? Should I tell someone else in his family what is going on? I feel like he lies and makes me the "bad guy" in our relationship when I have done so much for him. I feel like I can't let this go and it's so frustrating...

fourmaggie

this is not your problem...to go and tell...

stop covering for him....just stop..take responsilbities for YOU and no one else...
have you gone to AL ANON? its the best place to start....

the 3 C's:
you did not cause this
you can not control it
and also you can not cure it

Jadmack25

How about you forget "outing" abf to his family, and being so hurt by his being sober around them and off his face around you. He obviously is perfectly happy and comfortable, with drinking in your company, which is upsetting for you, and I would be pretty mad at this if I were you.

I also may just tell him that I wanted a sober companion, and if he could be sober for others, why not with me? I would love to hear him answer that.

If you want different treatment from him, you won't get it by telling his family, they already get the better deal.......NO.. the only way things will change is if you begin changing what you accept.

You don't want your abf drunk? Tell him, and stay away from him if he is drinking.

You wan't a sober boyfriend.....you may have to let go of this man and his addiction problems, and be on the lookout for someone who is free of "hassles".

I wish you luck.

wicked

Yes, it won't help you to tell his family anything, and if he is 40 years old, well, it has been this way a long time for them.

Austinchica

I wanted so desperately to convince my ex boyfriends friends and family of how serious his drinking problem had become over the time I knew him. I lived with him and I saw the ugly side of his drinking , the rage , the tears , the health issues .
They will not see that side of him unless they have to deal with the ugly side . It will do no good telling on him. They have to see it and live with it, but that won't stop him from doing it.

Freedom1990

Focusing on other people's faults has been a diversion tactic for me.

You can't change him, you can't change his family.

You can change yourself and your circumstances.

Are you attending Alanon? Have you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie?

We may have been deeply hurt by the alcoholics in our lives, but it's up to us to work on healing that pain.

Babyblue

His family dynamics/dysfunction have been that way long before you entered his life. I wouldn't say anything. In fact, it isn't your role. Focus on yourself and how he makes you feel. Sounds like right now he is making you feel pretty crummy. Take steps to help yourself heal from him.

The way I see it is, would you put up with his behaviors without the drinking? Probably not. Why put up with it while he is drinking? Don't change your standards of how you want to be treated in a relationship, ever. For any man, alcoholic or not.

Bernadette

Is it completely irrational to be so angry at someone's family? Should I tell someone else in his family what is going on? I feel like he lies and makes me the "bad guy" in our relationship when I have done so much for him. I feel like I can't let this go and it's so frustrating...

Not irrational. Codependent!

That distraction, obsession and inability to let go kept me in knots for years!!

AlAnon and therapy helped me get the focus back on me - I am the only person I can change. And it is like a MIRACLE when I began focusing on myself and the things I CAN control my life started changing for the better 100%!!!

It takes a bit of effort to break those bad habits of mind - but it is worth it! :codiepolice

Peace-
B

theuncertainty

I completely understand being angry at his family. The feelings I have swirling around about my in-laws are so convoluted. It's not irrational to be mad at his family, it's human. However, from your post I kind of get the feeling that you think that if they know he’s drinking again and talk to him about it, they will be able help or guide him to stop, which is not true. The 3 C’s that Fourmaggie brought up fit here too: they didn’t cause it, they can’t control it and they can’t cure it. He will not listen to them any more than he does or does not listen to you about drinking.

I’ve had a hard time letting go of what I think my in-laws think of me, so I don’t have much advice to offer on that front. Catspajama’s signature to the effect of “What others think of me is really none of my business” is something I really have to keep telling myself. I know the truth about STBXAH’s behavior that I’ve had to deal with in the past and what I am still dealing with. Their opinion of those issues/problems/situations should not color my truth.

Hang in there, Starlynn.

fourmaggie

I know the truth
POSTED BY the uncertainty

thats all that counts....

Starlynn

You are right, I guess I felt they could have more power than me since they are family... I just didn't want to admit no one can help him.

Thanks everyone for your input. I have not been to an alanon meeting yet. Still too scared I guess and maybe not wanting to admit this is real.

wicked

Oh Starlynn, I have been there too.
I can tell you from my own experience, that the meetings were the places where I could put down the burden I was carrying.
It is real because it is affecting you. That makes it real enough.
It's okay to be scared when you go, they all know about that too.
You will not be alone anymore. People there will understand.

Beth

Bernadette

Still too scared I guess and maybe not wanting to admit this is real.

I can very much relate to this feeling! And once I walked into AlAnon (and bawled my eyes out for the first few metings!) things got REAL!!

But the thing about reality is the more I deny it, the more warped my world and thinking become - the reality of the situation doesn't change but I do - for the worse.

Meanwhile the problem is just getting bigger and worse - in other words: reality will come and bite me - and it will be a bigger and more painful bite the longer I wait to face it.

Sending you a shot of courage Starlynn!
Peace & (((hugs)))
B

theuncertainty

I completely get this. I hoped SIL could get through to STBXAH. She got him into an in-patient program, lined it all up: found the program, got him into it, got him plane tickets there and back, but she could not make him work the program. When he went in, he bragged that he was going to "probably be the only sober guy they've ever seen there." Trying to prove he didn't have a problem, he probably nearly killed himself when he stopped drinking 2-3 days before he went in - serious tremors in his hands and legs and DTs. Completely did not matter to him when it was pointed out that non-alcoholics usually do not have those symptoms when they don't drink; he blamed it on (non-existent) medication he was taking for depression and high blood pressure. Still, I hoped that his sister got through to him and he would get better. It took him coming back with the same attitude for me to realize his family won't have any better luck than I did and are probably enabling him just as much now that they're supporting him as I used to. (He still won't admit he has a drinking problem.)

It's hard admitting there's a reason to go to Al-Anon. It's hard going to those first few meetings. It's amazing though finding a group of strangers who completely get what you're talking about when you do start to share.

Wishing you strength and serenity.
Hugs

Starlynn

Yes, I agree. I keep thinking in my head that he is the same wonderful person I met years ago but then something happens to remind me. We haven't spoken all week but then this afternoon he texts me to ask if I am coming to a Halloween party he is having at his karate studio tonight. I wasn't planning on it because we haven't talked all week because he ignored my calls. So I called him and he ended up telling me how busy he is getting ready for his party and doesn't have time to talk to me. HUH???? I don't get it. Nothing makes sense anymore. Now I am sitting here mad and unfocused again because he was so rude to me. I feel like he did it on purpose to make me mad.

I am hurt that he doesn't care.