andisa

Help. Maybe it's the weather and just plain stress of the season. Maybe this will pass. It doesn't feel like it though. I have a very good life not using. So why this urge to go back to something I know will only destroy. I don't really want to go back. But oh I do. Talking to anyone about this will only cause a ripple effect of worry if word gets out. So I don't talk. Attending a meeting would suggest relapse. Everyone would freak and monitor me, I can't have that. So I'm here, trying to get through this. I've been here before years ago so I know this place helps, to distract, at least.

keithj

Hi andisa, and welcome.
I suffered some pretty rough consequences when I was drinking, and i had the same question as you. Why, after the destroyed home, destroyed career, destroyed friendships, destroyed family, and that destroyed feeling inside of me, would I ever go back to it?

But I did. Over and over I went back to it. And racked up increasingly worse consequences. And asked myself that same question after each time, "Why would I go back to it?"

This is the same question raised in AA's Big Book in Chapters 2 and 3. The conclusion is that I had a mental obsession over which I was powerless. That description of alcoholism (or addiction, for that matter) contains the answer to this question.

It also contains a solution which, if followed, can end that cycle of destruction, try to quit, destruction that so many find themselves trapped in.

Itchy

Andisa,
In my small AA group I don't think anyone has less than a year's sobriety and several have decades of it. One person said they quit in 1973! Going to a meeting does not suggest a relapse and if you are worried about them knowing you are going to a meeting that is an issue that is theirs not yours. So what if you go to a meeting. I do as well as come here. Coming here is a good thing. Perhaps the only one afraid that you are going to relapse is you. And just like when we drank some thought that no one knew and pretty much everyone did.

Right now I would not worry about what others think. Being sober and going to meetings is "page twenty, one line news," and not as popular with gossips as being a drunk or actually having a relapse because you were afraid of what others might think, that is "headline news" for gossips and grist for their mills. But not from fellow alcoholics as we all know better.

Get all the support you need and don't let your fear of others deny you that. Your sobriety should be number one for you now. All others second place. If you take care of yourself, the others will take care of themselves too.

One day at a time. So you come here and go to meetings and don't relapse, or you worry all the time and don't get all the support you can and relapse?

Seems a pretty clear choice to me.

Maybe meetings aren't for you. That I can understand, lots of folks make it with just this great resource online. But not going because of what others will think? Why do they have to even know?

My sobriety is the most precious thing I have. It allows me to not have to worry about what others think of me today, and every day I don't drink. My sobriety has allowed me to regain my dignity, self respect, and regain the respect of others, especially the onmes that count in my life. My sobriety has allowed me to look myself in the mirror once again. My sobriety allows me to be able to take care of my family and pups agin. It allows me to be free to be me, warts and all. And most importantly be able to work on my stinkin thinkin, and grow and acquire the skills to deal with my fears, and my past.

Drinking alcohol takes it all away again.

Nothing but me can stand in the way of my sobriety, and I have chosen to get out of my own way! I hope you do too.

Dee74

Hi Andisa

Reaching out never comes easily to me, but I know that doing that helps keeps me in recovery.

I spent years letting my pride keep me in misery, not asking for help, keeping secrets that helped keep me sick.

There's no shame in keeping yourself sober - I hope you'll reconsider about keeping things to yourself

D

Zencat

I too went back to something that I knew would only destroy me. I did this time and time again without really knowing why. That was before I understood addiction and how it hijacked my brain. What a wonderful relief it was to learn that I could develop effective recovery skills that would give my life back to me.

I found urges can be unbearable at times. But after I learned some recovery tools. I found that I could remove the urge to use and replace it with healthy behavior. For me recovering from addiction is a skill that could be learned.

Kitey

I remind myself often what a mess I was drinking, hiding drink, disguising my breath with mints etc, oh...and the Hangovers and feeling Knackered all the time..Dear God, I couldnt go back to that sad old life and you know deep down you don't want it either.

Let these Urges pass and continue your new sober life, you wont regret it.

We are here for you if you need some support...

Spawn

I know for me not going to a meeting would spell relapse.

CarolD

Welcome back andisa.....

All my best as you move forward

Anna

Welcome back,

I am so glad that you came here seeking support and understanding.

coffeenut

Welcome Back!

andisa

Thank you all for your responses and support. I've just now finally been able to check in since writing yesterday, hungry, in fact feeling like I'm starving, for encouragement and hopefully a regained sense of direction. And so I find it here as I breathe a sigh of at least temporary relief from my own smothering mind. I almost (almost) can't believe I'm even thinking of using again. The barricade I put up between me and using is, admittedly, a fragile one. About as effective as a stop sign. I tend to run stop signs when driving, why would this be any different.

It really is the secretive nature in which I conduct my life that keeps me sick. And yet, my honesty gets me in trouble. People get angry with me when I've talked with them about my interest in using. They don't want to hear it. They seem to take it personally, as though I betrayed them, or lied to them, or again violated their trust in me. It's perfectly awful to be so regarded by those I love. I don't want to hurt anyone with my own faults.

And yet, I hear all of you so clearly, that it matters not what they think. Like you said Itchy, " So you come here and go to meetings and don't relapse, or you worry all the time and don't get all the support you can and relapse? Seemsa pretty clear choice to me."

My thinking (ego?) is instructing me to just get a grip, obey the stop sign, get over this so-far only a mental relapse. My better thinking is yelling at me to reach out for help. I suppose this is at least a start, admitting it out loud, albeit anonymously. Thanks for your help all.

persona

Welcome to SR.

Couldn't help but notice that line above, you're obviously familiar with that phrase, 'only as sick as our secrets'.

If you can't talk honestly with people in recovery about your feelings, perhaps you should attempt to find a new circle of recovery friends.

Dee74

If they are reacting this way, it seems to me that may be their problem, andisa?

You're trying to get better - if they choose to be hurt by that or react in negative ways, they might be scared or frustrated or simply not understand what it's like - but it's not your primary problem right now.

They may not understand addiction but you do - you need to do what you know is right.

My own family is somewhat like this - so for this and many other reasons I removed them from my life as much as possible.

I'm an adult - I know what I am, and I know what I need to be doing, and I can't let anyone stop me from acting in positive healthy ways.

Don't let the fear of how others might react stop you doing what you know you need to do.

and...don't forget...you'll find a lot of support here. We understand

D

andisa

I could highlight your entire message Dee, you summarize so precisely what I think and know. I get so scared of the reactions of others, largely for the influence it has on how I feel about myself. As though I allow others to determine my self-worth for me. When people with negative attitudes do this I carry such a heavy weight that brings me down down down. Then not only can I not enjoy my life but I have nothing to offer to others either. And we know what that mindset does to the addict's mindset. It's entrapping.

This all reeks of co-dependency and I've been struggling to move beyond it, though find myself regressing all too often. So, I know better, and sometimes feel the strength that is found within that knowing.

Trying to do what's right and be OK with who I know I am.
Thanks for your support, all.

Dee74

Yes I was that way too - I looked for validation from others and I measured my self worth comparatively....I was so much a people pleaser it was paralyzing really - I couldn't move for fear I'd make someone angry at me.

I think the way out, like anything, is little steps, but forward ones, you know?
Melody Beatties book Co-Dependent No More was a good place to start for me.
SR has helped me a lot with support and ideas - I hope we can help you too

justjo

Andisa, I just wanted to give you a :ghug3 I understand what you are saying. It took me sometime to let go of 'what people thought' / 'never wanting to upset anyone'.
Its just natural that when we start changing ourselves, others will react or not like it. You know what, so what, its time to please ourselves for once. Families find it difficult to understand addiction and really, they get upset mainly because they love you and want you better, thats all.
So dont take it personally, they just care about you and whats that old saying -
People are probably talking about you, half as much as you think. Our minds just think they are. Its really just thoughts about ourselves, in that case, think about the stuff you are thinking and step by step change that.
Does any of this make any sense.
JJ

Isaiah

I also have a lot of codependency problems, I have to tack them onto my recovery as well.

I know it worries you how people might react if you said you had thoughts of drinking. Unfortunately, we don't have any control over how people react and there's no promise I could make that everyone's going to be cool. However, at meetings I attend the first thing a chair asks is if anyone has a "sobriety threatening issue." People who are struggling with thoughts of drinking are always given first priority, because they are the most important person at the table. I think people in AA are inclined to sympathy more than judgment.

Also, it sounds like you are having a hard time on your own (not counting us) and would like to reach out to your local community. If you're struggling on your own it sounds like you've got nothing to lose if you try to reach out.

least

You do whatever you must do to stay clean and sober - to hell with what anyone else thinks. And as was said, if anyone else has a problem with it, it's their problem, not yours.

Lilly03

I was just talking to my therapist today about holding things in and i said, "I keep things in because I'm scared to spread around the disease"...And when it came out I thought about it and I'm not diseased I have a disease...and when you tell people sometimes they will judge you, but when you tell someone a big dark secret and they listen, don't judge, and accept you for you - it's a huge weight off and you wonder why you carried it around for so long. There are people out there who will not judge you, you just have to find them - and I'd imagine AA is a great place for that.

Also, when I have a thought of using and beat myself up about it I go back to a line I read in some literature for people starting in AA that said, "We learn to experience feelings and realize they can do us no harm unless we act on them." You wanting to use is not a sign of relapse - it's a symptom of your disease. Thoughts are powerful but if you don't use - you didn't use and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Isaiah

"We learn to experience feelings and realize they can do us no harm unless we act on them."

Story of my life! Thanks for sharing that.