No, No, No, Not Again!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: directly above the center of the earth
Posts: 71
No, No, No, Not Again!
Okay, my introduction and long story of today.
Thanks to lurking on SR for the past 2 months, I was able to spend 13 of the first 26 days in October not drinking - once for a whole 5 days, which is a personal record from the past 26 years. I didn't post because I wanted to make sure it "stuck". We all know how that fable ends.
Unfortunately, I ramped up on the drinking days. 2+ bottles of wine each drinking night. Mind you, each time I am blacking out after the first bottle (tolerance must be dropping). I hear the next day if/what I ate, when I passed out on the couch or went to bed, what obscenities I screamed at my husband while incoherently accusing him of whatever random words my brain can string together, and if I did anything extra special, like lock him outside. hmm, writing this is already uncomfortable.
Last night I convinced him I wanted just one bottle to "taper down" as I had to be up early to leave for a business trip. I know people here will understand that when we left the liquor store with only 1 bottle, I already felt panicky (while swearing I wouldn't ask for more). Big surprise, an hour later I am begging for him to run out for more. He does and it's lights out for Bonzo.
I woke this morning at 4 to a painful arm and weird smell. Turns out I took a brilliant fall on my elbow, which is rainbow colored and the size of an orange. Apparently my diseased drunk brain also decided that the proper treatment was Ben Gay analgesic creme, hence the distinctive smell. no memory of this.
Today I was 9 hours on flights and airport layovers. The first flight was on a tiny commuter plane, where I spent most of the time yakking in the toilet. Even more fun than trying to yak quietly in the "ladies'" at work.
Here's where it got interesting. I decided at the first layover to have a bloody mary "to get rid of the hangover". WHAT? "NO, NO, NO" I repeated to myself. Ate a little bite. Decided that a Bailey's would "finish settling my stomach". ARE YOU KIDDING? "NO, NO, NO"... again.
Waited a couple hours. before I forget or gloss over, during this time I went to the bathroom, oh, 8-10 times. Each time was dry heaves from one end and ... well, let's just say it was both ends going. Writing this, the thing that sounds so bizarre that I almost want to delete this is that I AM TAKING THIS ALL IN STRIDE - IT'S A HANGOVER, RIGHT? and of course trying to decide which lie to try out if it is still going on when I arrive and have to do business (stomach bug? IBS? something I ate?)
One last one: I get on my last, long flight, and think "if I have a couple of vodka drinks I'll sleep the whole time and wake up with no hangover" AM I INSANE? "NO, NO, NO"! What is wrong with me? Where do these thoughts come from?
The happy ending is that I made it through the day with my "NO NO"s, and through business dinner with only a couple of polite sips when pressed to "oooh, taste this martini, it's so good". Pled dehydration from flight. I plan to visit SR as much as possible while on this trip, as every night will be the same.
Thank you for letting me tell this story - for reading it. I have gained so much from this forum because people tell sad stories like mine and guess what? I'm not unique and you actually get it. Unfortunately, although I tried to be light-hearted while writing this, it is really not cool. But I guess seeing that is a good thing - I am way too old for this shite.
-NT
Thanks to lurking on SR for the past 2 months, I was able to spend 13 of the first 26 days in October not drinking - once for a whole 5 days, which is a personal record from the past 26 years. I didn't post because I wanted to make sure it "stuck". We all know how that fable ends.
Unfortunately, I ramped up on the drinking days. 2+ bottles of wine each drinking night. Mind you, each time I am blacking out after the first bottle (tolerance must be dropping). I hear the next day if/what I ate, when I passed out on the couch or went to bed, what obscenities I screamed at my husband while incoherently accusing him of whatever random words my brain can string together, and if I did anything extra special, like lock him outside. hmm, writing this is already uncomfortable.
Last night I convinced him I wanted just one bottle to "taper down" as I had to be up early to leave for a business trip. I know people here will understand that when we left the liquor store with only 1 bottle, I already felt panicky (while swearing I wouldn't ask for more). Big surprise, an hour later I am begging for him to run out for more. He does and it's lights out for Bonzo.
I woke this morning at 4 to a painful arm and weird smell. Turns out I took a brilliant fall on my elbow, which is rainbow colored and the size of an orange. Apparently my diseased drunk brain also decided that the proper treatment was Ben Gay analgesic creme, hence the distinctive smell. no memory of this.
Today I was 9 hours on flights and airport layovers. The first flight was on a tiny commuter plane, where I spent most of the time yakking in the toilet. Even more fun than trying to yak quietly in the "ladies'" at work.
Here's where it got interesting. I decided at the first layover to have a bloody mary "to get rid of the hangover". WHAT? "NO, NO, NO" I repeated to myself. Ate a little bite. Decided that a Bailey's would "finish settling my stomach". ARE YOU KIDDING? "NO, NO, NO"... again.
Waited a couple hours. before I forget or gloss over, during this time I went to the bathroom, oh, 8-10 times. Each time was dry heaves from one end and ... well, let's just say it was both ends going. Writing this, the thing that sounds so bizarre that I almost want to delete this is that I AM TAKING THIS ALL IN STRIDE - IT'S A HANGOVER, RIGHT? and of course trying to decide which lie to try out if it is still going on when I arrive and have to do business (stomach bug? IBS? something I ate?)
One last one: I get on my last, long flight, and think "if I have a couple of vodka drinks I'll sleep the whole time and wake up with no hangover" AM I INSANE? "NO, NO, NO"! What is wrong with me? Where do these thoughts come from?
The happy ending is that I made it through the day with my "NO NO"s, and through business dinner with only a couple of polite sips when pressed to "oooh, taste this martini, it's so good". Pled dehydration from flight. I plan to visit SR as much as possible while on this trip, as every night will be the same.
Thank you for letting me tell this story - for reading it. I have gained so much from this forum because people tell sad stories like mine and guess what? I'm not unique and you actually get it. Unfortunately, although I tried to be light-hearted while writing this, it is really not cool. But I guess seeing that is a good thing - I am way too old for this shite.
-NT
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,367
Welcome to the posting side of things notears
wow thats quite a 24 hrs.
That was my old life too NT - I don't miss it...in fact I never want to see it again.
The first step for me was stopping drinking - no sips, no ones to take the edge off, no hair of the dog...the only way out of the cycle for me was to stop the cycle completely.
I hope you'll see your Dr when you get back home, too. It's the sensible thing to do.
Look forward to seeing you around some more
D
wow thats quite a 24 hrs.
That was my old life too NT - I don't miss it...in fact I never want to see it again.
The first step for me was stopping drinking - no sips, no ones to take the edge off, no hair of the dog...the only way out of the cycle for me was to stop the cycle completely.
I hope you'll see your Dr when you get back home, too. It's the sensible thing to do.
Look forward to seeing you around some more
D
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, NoTears - I'm glad you posted. There's something different about seeing your own story written down and getting responses.
Your honestly really hit home. I've only thrown up a couple of times due to alcohol, but I can relate to everything else you said. I would "find" myself drinking before events, too, like I almost couldn't help myself even though I knew I would regret it in the morning. When the morning came, it was even worse than I'd planned on.
I hope you'll consider going to the doc for help with withdrawals if you need to. I've hung out here for the past 6 months and don't know if I'd be sober today without this place. You really can do this - just stay focused and make it a priority, one day at a time. Hugs and prayers.....
Your honestly really hit home. I've only thrown up a couple of times due to alcohol, but I can relate to everything else you said. I would "find" myself drinking before events, too, like I almost couldn't help myself even though I knew I would regret it in the morning. When the morning came, it was even worse than I'd planned on.
I hope you'll consider going to the doc for help with withdrawals if you need to. I've hung out here for the past 6 months and don't know if I'd be sober today without this place. You really can do this - just stay focused and make it a priority, one day at a time. Hugs and prayers.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Somewhere out in the ether
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by NoTears 
Here's where it got interesting. I decided at the first layover to have a bloody mary "to get rid of the hangover".
One component of a hangover is the physical withdrawal, the reason a drink makes you feel so much better. Alcohol has very poor analgesic properties, you have to consume almost lethal amounts before those properties kick in.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Welcome NoTears! Really scary! If it had been me, I'd have been scared out of my wig that the folks I had to do business with would notice. Like riding a wild horse and not being able to get off and having to pretend that it was just business as usual. Glad you made it back. Hope you can do some thinking about setting up a program for yourself to give yourself a break and get some freedom from this kind of thing. Good luck and thanks for posting.
W.
W.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: directly above the center of the earth
Posts: 71
Hope I'm doing this response thing correctly - D - you are right. When I quit smoking (many years ago), it took a couple of years. All I could see was a long empty life with never another cig, and it was overwhelming. But not alcohol. one small drink is all it takes. I've been reading some of your other posts - I hope to not go through the "5-step cycle". Thank you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: directly above the center of the earth
Posts: 71
Thanks everyone. I'm a little overwhelmed by your responses - kindness is a little hard to handle and I don't know the etiquette of responding to multiple people (but I like being able to say "thanks" to people's posts that resonate). I'm grateful to everyone for the comments. it hurts, but apparently I am pretty bad. I've been holding it together for years, but yeah, this looks disgusting written down.
One drink isn't possible, D, you have made that so clear so many times. I don't want it at all. But come 5pm after work next week I'd better have something in place that I haven't tried and failed at a thousand times already. This is one accountability. Thank you.
-NT
One drink isn't possible, D, you have made that so clear so many times. I don't want it at all. But come 5pm after work next week I'd better have something in place that I haven't tried and failed at a thousand times already. This is one accountability. Thank you.
-NT
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Whistler, British Columbia
Posts: 222
Welcome NT
We have no max posting etiquette around here
Lots of people all working together for the good life is all. Post away as much as you like you are not going to offend anyone here.
Your last 24 hours sure sounds like hell. I could not begin to imagine the pain of a big time hangover while on a long flight. But hungover during a business trip I know well.
Hope your feeling better.
We have no max posting etiquette around here
Lots of people all working together for the good life is all. Post away as much as you like you are not going to offend anyone here.
Your last 24 hours sure sounds like hell. I could not begin to imagine the pain of a big time hangover while on a long flight. But hungover during a business trip I know well.
Hope your feeling better.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi NoTears! And welcome...most people responding to a specific person use the "@" sign followed by the persons name and maybe a hyphen ....like so:
@ notears - hugs...it can and will get better. See a doctor when you get home about detox and get some type ofnplan to help yourself get sober ...I've been exactly where you are and there is a whole other world out there waiting for you to embrace it.
Xoxo
@ notears - hugs...it can and will get better. See a doctor when you get home about detox and get some type ofnplan to help yourself get sober ...I've been exactly where you are and there is a whole other world out there waiting for you to embrace it.
Xoxo
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
Hi No Tears -
Your story describes the absolute insanity of alcoholism. Unfortunately, it only goes down from here. If you are ready, there is a way out, but only you will know when you are ready.
The key is to surround yourself (physically or virtually) with others who can help you. In my opinion, you cannot solve this alone.
Once the hang-over calms down, your "No, No, No's" will turn into "Maybe, Maybe, Maybe" and then into "Why Not, Why Not, Why Not".
Cunning, baffling, and powerful ... that is alcohol.
The key is to work a program of recovery and to want to do it for yourself. Keep coming back.
Your story describes the absolute insanity of alcoholism. Unfortunately, it only goes down from here. If you are ready, there is a way out, but only you will know when you are ready.
The key is to surround yourself (physically or virtually) with others who can help you. In my opinion, you cannot solve this alone.
Once the hang-over calms down, your "No, No, No's" will turn into "Maybe, Maybe, Maybe" and then into "Why Not, Why Not, Why Not".
Cunning, baffling, and powerful ... that is alcohol.
The key is to work a program of recovery and to want to do it for yourself. Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
NT, glad you are here and sharing. Writing that first post takes a lot and for me when I did mine it was a real eye opener.
Your story is oh so familiar and I was the same way. The horrible panic that sets in when I thought I wouldn't have enough booze. Always had to have plenty on stock or else I would stress and be on edge.
Know that I and so many others have gotten sober and so can you. I haven't had a day like you described since I quit drinking but man.....it seems like everyday used to be like that and I never felt good. A vicious cycle but you can stop it.
Looking forward to the journey and know that there are different options for recovery. We are here to support and yes we have been there.
All the best!
Your story is oh so familiar and I was the same way. The horrible panic that sets in when I thought I wouldn't have enough booze. Always had to have plenty on stock or else I would stress and be on edge.
Know that I and so many others have gotten sober and so can you. I haven't had a day like you described since I quit drinking but man.....it seems like everyday used to be like that and I never felt good. A vicious cycle but you can stop it.
Looking forward to the journey and know that there are different options for recovery. We are here to support and yes we have been there.
All the best!
Last edited by Kmber2010; 10-27-2010 at 12:46 AM. Reason: typos
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Yes, Newme: That's the key. Surround yourself with folks willing and eager to help. That's definitely the key regardless of what "program" you happen to choose. Took me many many years to figure that one out! It works! It truly works!
W. (slow learner)
W. (slow learner)
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Good Morning, notears.... just want to give you an encouraging (((Hug))) and to let you know that I'm thinking of you. Thank you for sharing your story. I am reminded that I don't ever want to feel that way again....EVER.
I wish I could fast forward the sobriety clock for you a couple of weeks so you can experience how good it feels to wake with a clear head and clear conscience. Please do this thing...and please do see a doctor when you get home. XOXO
I wish I could fast forward the sobriety clock for you a couple of weeks so you can experience how good it feels to wake with a clear head and clear conscience. Please do this thing...and please do see a doctor when you get home. XOXO
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Really brave post, Notears. I takes a lot to lay it all out on the table like that. Getting honest with yourself and with us is a really good start.
As you will find out as you stick around SR, I *almost* always agree with D. He was the very first person who welcomed me when I came to SR over three years ago, with a story much like yours- trying to moderate, taper, making promises to myself that I could never keep - and now, I'm recovering - three years sober and still amazed that I finally did it.
You can do it too. Stick around. You are on the right track.
Jomey
As you will find out as you stick around SR, I *almost* always agree with D.
He was the very first person who welcomed me when I came to SR over three years ago, with a story much like yours- trying to moderate, taper, making promises to myself that I could never keep - and now, I'm recovering - three years sober and still amazed that I finally did it.You can do it too. Stick around. You are on the right track.
Jomey
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,262
I read your post and it really hit home. Thanks for sharing it with us.
The last time I drank I was vomiting and dry heaving. I try to remember that every time my brain gets the idea that it would be good to "have a glass." Try to keep the experience of being on the plane and feeling sick fresh in your mind. My last experience is helpful to me as a deterrent.
The title of your post got to me as well. Everytime I drank, I would wake up and those exact words would come to into my mind. "No, no, no, not again!" Oh, I remember that feeling well.
I hope you stick around!
The last time I drank I was vomiting and dry heaving. I try to remember that every time my brain gets the idea that it would be good to "have a glass." Try to keep the experience of being on the plane and feeling sick fresh in your mind. My last experience is helpful to me as a deterrent.
The title of your post got to me as well. Everytime I drank, I would wake up and those exact words would come to into my mind. "No, no, no, not again!" Oh, I remember that feeling well.
I hope you stick around!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,756
Welcome to the best recovery site everywhere!
I'm glad you joined our family. Please do see your doctor about help in getting thru withdrawals, the first few days can be rough but after that you'll start feeling better, I'm sure of it.
I was a wino too, all day every day. I tried and failed for most of two years to stay sober, but something 'clicked' in my head ten months ago and I'm now happily sober and enjoying life - finally - with all its ups and downs.
You'll find a lot of support here.
I'm glad you joined our family. Please do see your doctor about help in getting thru withdrawals, the first few days can be rough but after that you'll start feeling better, I'm sure of it. I was a wino too, all day every day. I tried and failed for most of two years to stay sober, but something 'clicked' in my head ten months ago and I'm now happily sober and enjoying life - finally - with all its ups and downs.
You'll find a lot of support here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 302
Welcome NT! I'm on day 2 (yet again) for me. And I can tell you that the prev. poster is correct when they said your "No, No, Nos" turn into "Maybes" and "why nots".. I'm not hungover anymore, being on Day 2, however I'm at the "I can politely sip something" .. NO NO NO! So, I'm here trying to read some posts and get my mind back to tip top shape. (if that's possible)
I was a business exec before and I remember planning the flights and trips, hoping there would be a bar in the airport close to our Gate... Ugh. I would tell people that I need a couple glasses of wine to sleep through the flight because I hated flying. Truth is, I love being on a plane. The only time I flew sober was when I was pregnant.
You can be sober, it takes effort, and a plan (plan to be tempted and know what you have to do to stop the temptation).
Good luck and welcome again!
I was a business exec before and I remember planning the flights and trips, hoping there would be a bar in the airport close to our Gate... Ugh. I would tell people that I need a couple glasses of wine to sleep through the flight because I hated flying. Truth is, I love being on a plane. The only time I flew sober was when I was pregnant.
You can be sober, it takes effort, and a plan (plan to be tempted and know what you have to do to stop the temptation).
Good luck and welcome again!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Welcome, NoTears!
I'm glad you finally posted.
It's quite astounding the way our addict brains work, isn't it! I can totally relate to the mindless logic of the addict mind. But, it's so good that you are recognizing these thoughts. That's the first step in being able to disregard them.
I hope you continue to read and post.
I'm glad you finally posted.
It's quite astounding the way our addict brains work, isn't it! I can totally relate to the mindless logic of the addict mind. But, it's so good that you are recognizing these thoughts. That's the first step in being able to disregard them.
I hope you continue to read and post.
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