:a108: How to handle the Holidays.
I'm as bad as I want to be...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Atx
Posts: 45
:a108: How to handle the Holidays.
How do I handle the holidays when my childs father won't make definite plans to see her in advance yet decides to spring plans on me at the last minute. I feel that she is missing out on spending time with her father, but everytime he decides to see her on a "special" day he ussually only gives me a days notice and I try to rearrange things so that she gets some time with him.
Now that the Holidays are coming, I would like to make plans and he will not go into detail about any arrangement . He just says, "Yeah I am going to spend Thanksgiving with her, and Christmas," but he doesn't take into account that I am going to be travelling to be with my relatives and bringing her. He is aware that I want to bring her to my family.
How do I go about this tactfully, he is in "recovery" but is very defiant and refuses to talk to me about specifics and still only makes demands.
I do not want to antogonize or appease him, I just want to be prepared since everything is a battle with him.
anything that has worked for you?
He however, doesn't want to spendtime with her for Halloween or see her in her costume, for some reason probably only becuase it was my idea,lol. He did, however, want me to send her to spend the night with his mother for Halloween since it is her birthday and it is the only thig she wanted . (I am sure). I told him that we already had plans for trick or treating, and that she would have to pick another day. I handled this situation fairly well, but it just shows that he has no consideration or forethought. Why would he think that I would miss out on a Halloween that I have been mentioning to him for the past month?
I just see some huge battles coming up with Thanksgiving and X-mas and there is no way for me to accomodate him without some kind of plan. I know that it is up to him to make a plan , but I also know he will make it my fault that I wouldn't let him see her somehow. Typical crap, but I don't want to go into this without a gameplan.
I went to another meeting today and once again cried and felt way better ! I am really lucky that I have found people who can help me to deal with this, since if I was trying to face him alone, I would feel guilt, an give in and rearrange everything so she could see him.
Now that the Holidays are coming, I would like to make plans and he will not go into detail about any arrangement . He just says, "Yeah I am going to spend Thanksgiving with her, and Christmas," but he doesn't take into account that I am going to be travelling to be with my relatives and bringing her. He is aware that I want to bring her to my family.
How do I go about this tactfully, he is in "recovery" but is very defiant and refuses to talk to me about specifics and still only makes demands.
I do not want to antogonize or appease him, I just want to be prepared since everything is a battle with him.
anything that has worked for you?
He however, doesn't want to spendtime with her for Halloween or see her in her costume, for some reason probably only becuase it was my idea,lol. He did, however, want me to send her to spend the night with his mother for Halloween since it is her birthday and it is the only thig she wanted . (I am sure). I told him that we already had plans for trick or treating, and that she would have to pick another day. I handled this situation fairly well, but it just shows that he has no consideration or forethought. Why would he think that I would miss out on a Halloween that I have been mentioning to him for the past month?
I just see some huge battles coming up with Thanksgiving and X-mas and there is no way for me to accomodate him without some kind of plan. I know that it is up to him to make a plan , but I also know he will make it my fault that I wouldn't let him see her somehow. Typical crap, but I don't want to go into this without a gameplan.
I went to another meeting today and once again cried and felt way better ! I am really lucky that I have found people who can help me to deal with this, since if I was trying to face him alone, I would feel guilt, an give in and rearrange everything so she could see him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I will not make someone a priority in my life when they treat me like I am just an option. And that goes for my children too.
Children need stability in life - in nap time, in feeding times, and in the relationship with their parents. As a mother, it is my responsibility to protect my child from the irresponsible choices and the unstable lifestyle of his father. I will not allow my child to be treated as "second choice" or an option. Ever.
Set up a visitation schedule. That's how responsible parents typically handle situations like this. If your ex doesn't like it, then don't allow him to see the child at all. Then he can get a lawyer and figure out an acceptable visitation schedule legal - just like the majority of self-respecting single fathers do in the USA.
His choices are not your responsiblitity. You cannot force him to be a reliable father. But you can protect your daughter from his unreliability.
Children need stability in life - in nap time, in feeding times, and in the relationship with their parents. As a mother, it is my responsibility to protect my child from the irresponsible choices and the unstable lifestyle of his father. I will not allow my child to be treated as "second choice" or an option. Ever.
Set up a visitation schedule. That's how responsible parents typically handle situations like this. If your ex doesn't like it, then don't allow him to see the child at all. Then he can get a lawyer and figure out an acceptable visitation schedule legal - just like the majority of self-respecting single fathers do in the USA.
His choices are not your responsiblitity. You cannot force him to be a reliable father. But you can protect your daughter from his unreliability.
I'm as bad as I want to be...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Atx
Posts: 45
thank you for reframing it in a powerful way...
Originally Posted by hello-kitty 
I will You cannot force him to be a reliable father. But you can protect your daughter from his unreliability.
I see how happy she is when I mention her daddy coming to get her, and I feel that by being "understanding" I am keeping her in touch with him when he really could take it or leave it.
Thank you for reframing it in the opposite way. That by not giving in to him, I am protecting her.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Make it clear that plans need to be finalized a certain amount of days/weeks in advance. Any changes that happen after that cannot be accomodated.
"I'm really sorry, but as I said before I needed to have your ideas in place by (blank). I have already made plans and am not able to change them at this point." Repeat, repeat, repeat with calmness. Try not to lose your temper (I know that is hard, but it just gives them an out to go off on you).
Just a suggestion....
"I'm really sorry, but as I said before I needed to have your ideas in place by (blank). I have already made plans and am not able to change them at this point." Repeat, repeat, repeat with calmness. Try not to lose your temper (I know that is hard, but it just gives them an out to go off on you).
Just a suggestion....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
From all of your posts that I have read, I see nothing that he contributes to her life...nothing.
You said that there have been times he's brought her back and was irritated with her.
He went for two months without seeing her. That's very revealing in regards to how much his daughter means to him, isn't it?
I sincerely hope you are strongly considering the offer your aunt made.
In my opinion, it would be a great opportunity for you and your daughter.
Just my two cents.
You said that there have been times he's brought her back and was irritated with her.
He went for two months without seeing her. That's very revealing in regards to how much his daughter means to him, isn't it?
I sincerely hope you are strongly considering the offer your aunt made.
In my opinion, it would be a great opportunity for you and your daughter.
Just my two cents.
I'm as bad as I want to be...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Atx
Posts: 45
I am giving it serious thought since it wasn't even a consideration that I could feel comfortable with a few weeks ago. I really want to, but a big part of me feels like it would be the nail in the coffin for a good relationship between her and him. I am trying so hard to work through that and get some kind of clarity. Hearing stories at al-anon of women who went through the same thing, the same exact thing, and realizing that I have yet to hear from one woman who says it worked out and thing got better is making me wake up more. To stop living in the land of should and hope, and maybe one day, and start facing the ugly truth about my decisions.
I don't want to pack up and move without feeing completely justified, and I am not there yet for some reason.
I want to get there, believe me. I did decide that if things haven't gotten better in his treatment of her by the time my lease is up in January, then I will definetly start packing. I would like to actually feel that I made the decision to leave for the right reasons, and not out of anger or fear.
I don't want to pack up and move without feeing completely justified, and I am not there yet for some reason.
I want to get there, believe me. I did decide that if things haven't gotten better in his treatment of her by the time my lease is up in January, then I will definetly start packing. I would like to actually feel that I made the decision to leave for the right reasons, and not out of anger or fear.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It sounds like his lack of commitment to a plan is very irresponsible or controlling, I'm not sure which. Either one is wrong.
I would go ahead and make the plans that make YOU happy, visiting with your family or whatever you choose to do and let him know what days are available to him, should he decide to visit, and ask for a commitment now so you don't have to put further plans on hold.
Bending over backwards to try to create a good relationship between your daughter and him will only turn you into a pretzel woman. For an adult to have a relationship with their child takes thoughtfulness, caring and working with you, the custodial parent, to ensure an emotionally secure environment for the child. He needs to "give more", not you.
The short version of all this is to make plans to have a wonderful holiday season and let him make adjustments to his own schedule to fit yours.
Hugs
I would go ahead and make the plans that make YOU happy, visiting with your family or whatever you choose to do and let him know what days are available to him, should he decide to visit, and ask for a commitment now so you don't have to put further plans on hold.
Bending over backwards to try to create a good relationship between your daughter and him will only turn you into a pretzel woman. For an adult to have a relationship with their child takes thoughtfulness, caring and working with you, the custodial parent, to ensure an emotionally secure environment for the child. He needs to "give more", not you.
The short version of all this is to make plans to have a wonderful holiday season and let him make adjustments to his own schedule to fit yours.
Hugs
I'm as bad as I want to be...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Atx
Posts: 45
thank you. I will be reading and rereading both threads until I get it! Iv'e already had to reread all of the answers freqently throughout the day to keep my focus and remind myself where my head and heart should be and thats with myself and my kid not with him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Hi Austin,
Good to hear you taking back the control.
He ain't a nice guy. Well, in my opinion, and I think someone else mentioned it, you need to start keeping a diary of ALL your contact with him. You could record it if you do not feel like writing. You will be glad. Also give brief summary of everything up to now. Get YOUR family involved. You sound as if you are a little in awe of him. For what? What has he done? Just got lucky and was born rich! For all good it did him.
There is no rush to go to your aunt although the new year would be good.
You should get legal advice now. What can he do to stop you? You can rightly claim that since he has been no help and in fact has negatively affected you and your daughter, that you need family support.
I also think you should not try so hard to build him up to your daughter. As long as you do not bash him, it is up to him to create the positive impression. If he cannot do this, then you are not setting her up for disappointment. Make all your communication as if it was business. Make your plans and then tell him what is available. I have no doubt you will be a lot more considerate of him than the other way around!
Best wishes and hugs.
Good to hear you taking back the control.
He ain't a nice guy. Well, in my opinion, and I think someone else mentioned it, you need to start keeping a diary of ALL your contact with him. You could record it if you do not feel like writing. You will be glad. Also give brief summary of everything up to now. Get YOUR family involved. You sound as if you are a little in awe of him. For what? What has he done? Just got lucky and was born rich! For all good it did him.
There is no rush to go to your aunt although the new year would be good.
You should get legal advice now. What can he do to stop you? You can rightly claim that since he has been no help and in fact has negatively affected you and your daughter, that you need family support.
I also think you should not try so hard to build him up to your daughter. As long as you do not bash him, it is up to him to create the positive impression. If he cannot do this, then you are not setting her up for disappointment. Make all your communication as if it was business. Make your plans and then tell him what is available. I have no doubt you will be a lot more considerate of him than the other way around!
Best wishes and hugs.
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