steve1840

i made it through the weekend. saturday was good as i kept busy in my yard and did some much needed shopping wit hthe one friend who knows of my situation. sunday started off fine, but about midafternoon i sank.

while i am glad to be rid off the daily grind of living wit han addict i still have trouble letting it go. its like i have bee non this crazy roller coaster ride i wanted to end. the car pulled into the stop to let the passengers off, the safty bar lifted and the set beat unhooked, but i refuse to get out of the car!

a big part of me wants to get out, but i can't seem to get the total strength to do it. so i have been trying to explore myself deeper to see whats going on with me. i am pulled in two directions.

on the one hand i like being removed from the situation and like starting to feel my life coming back. i have even had glimmers of hope for a good future. then one the other hand, i feel pulled backwards. i am stuck on the attachment i have on her. i get stuck worrying and wondering. i wont let the detachment happen. i want to go looking for her again. i want ot hear from her again. but, when my dogs bark at night i get nervous that she is at my door.

i should be glad that she decided to leave. that saved me the pain of doing it. i should be fine and leave well enough alone, but instead i still feel that connection and i imagine bad things and get all these questions- where is she staying? is she working for someone as an escort? etc. none of which i can control.

i want to be free. i want a healthy happy relationship. yet, i am remain concerned about her and not wanting to move on because if i do i abandon her. i even know that is not the case.

so i am still kind of stuck in the quicksand, but i feel that i am am to pull a leg up.

why can't i accept that she clearly does not want to talk or see me. she called before when she wanted. is it because she sensed i was at my end? is it to spare me anything? does she think i dont care anymore? then i know i should not let any of that worry me. i should just be glad i have my space again. i should be able to see what was missing from the relationship and believe that there is someone who can give back to me.

i guess or hope that with each day i will get closer to better, but i have this impending fear of her showing up and me being right back in it. but i guess one day at a time.

Freedom1990

She has a higher power, Steve, and you're not it.

Sometimes surrendering comes in baby steps.

dollydo

Only you can let her in the door, that is your choice. You will never be free as long as you keep letting her in.

She is a hard core addict, even if she did get clean, her struggle is a life long one. The roller coaster ride will not end when and if she gets clean, her behavior will not change over night, if ever.

I hope that she doesn't contact you, that she finds some other enabler, and that you will stop chasing her around. This is not a healthy way for you to live, there are so many non addicted women out there, why not seek one out and get into a healthy/rewarding relationship.

Sunshine2

Steve, please get some therapy. Even if she leaves your life entirely, there is a very good chance that your next girlfriend will be the same in a different body.