strawberryfair

Hi everyone
I'm new on here. I have been reading posts for the last cuople of months and i'm so glad I found this support.
A bit of background:
I have been living with my partner for 24 years, looking back he has always had a drink problem but the last 5 years have been a nightmare. I have recently let go and am coming to terms with and accepting the three C's and starting to focus on me and how i can control my life and make things better for me. I can't believe what i've become, i'm a shadow of the person I was (i think anyway - i can't remember who i am anymore)

I've been feeling for at least the last 18 months that my actions have just facilitated his drinking and i need to get out of this awful cycle that is my life. I have lost all my confidence, have low self-esteem and find it really hard even to leave the house on a day to day basis. I had my own business and a comfortable living up until the last year or so - now I have nothing.

Currently after a short period of sobriety he is drinking again, and this time i've let go completely. We are in the same house, sleeping seperately and basically leading seperate lives. I so want to go no contact and start to rebuild myself,, but need to sort myself out with a job and income and means to support myself and start afresh. Partner is a functioning alcoholic, is holding down a job and pays all the bills. I have no income. Has anyone else been in this situation that could offer any advice?

Sorry for going on - and just to let yopu know I currently don't go to alanon meeting - but looking into it.

Thanks for listening.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I am a recovering partner of a 14 year marriage to an alcoholic. I was a Stay at Home Mom(SAHM) for 12 of those 14 years.

I knew I needed to start taking care of myself and stop being dependent on him. I found a seasonal job that offered full time hours for 3 months. As the season came to a close, I found another job. That job became full-time management. I also took another job, part-time, that offered healthcare benefits. I ended up moving up the ladder with the last job and have moved to a new community as a manager with full time hours and benefits.

It has been 2 1/2 years since I took that seasonal job. Today, I am working full time and going to college (on-line) part time.

I have benefitted from the support I receive here as well as face-to-face Alanon meetings.

Let us know how we can help you!

naive

hi and welcome strawberry fair-

yes, i have been in that situation. i'm also in the uk.

what i did is i went to the homeless office and told them i was soon to be homeless, that i could not live any longer with an alcoholic who was abusing me. i was quite open with them about what was going on in our home.

they told me to sign onto jobseekers to get some income and full housing benefit. they placed me within one month in a lovely little council flat, away from his neighborhood.

they even offered to place me in temporary housing until they could come up with a place for me. i went to stay at my mother's instead, but the option was there.

hope that helps!
naive

Floss

Hi Strawberry Fair and welcome to SR. I don't know how helpful I can be because I'm pretty new to recovery myself. I do understand the situation your living in having lived like that myself. My XAH was so abusive, we finally separated under the same roof for 7 months before he moved out (it was hell as his violence escalated). My health had deteriorated to such a point, I thought I was going to die from that or from his hands. I was lucky in the fact that when he left, I was able to go on the single parents pension because I had kids so I had enough money to pay rent, feed the kids and pay the necessities.

Is there any type of government support you could apply for in England? How about support from friends/family? Also, I want to say, you are not responsible for his drinking. He is. When my XAH finally moved out, I was so sick (but started getting physically healthier without the constant abuse and with homoeopathy). One thing I didn't do was concentrate on my recovery and eventually I chose another A as a partner (I didn't know he was an A for a while but by the time I did, I was hooked). So, here I am years later, separated again but stronger because I have support from SR and meetings.

I also understand the lack of self esteem and confidence. I'm wondering, if you're finding it hard to leave the house whether you've thought about seeing a doctor about depression?

Al-Anon sounds like a great idea. It can help with detachment and it helps us to look after our own sanity. I wish I could offer more suggestions. But stay posted, there are others who have been through this too and are here to offer their support. All the best Strawberry.

strawberryfair

Thanks Pelican!

I am waiting to hear about a casual christmas job I've applied for - night shifts in a local supermarket slowly slowly to get me back out there and expereice a bit of life again. I hope I get it it could help build my confidence and get me away from the awful homelife for three nights

Maybe if i do get this i can build back up to my previous career in research and development that i've just let slip.

Thanks for the welcome, there is loads i need support with but finding it all hard to verbalise, but just being part of this forum is helping me no end. I think the worse part of this situation is not being able to talk to people about it and feeling people will judge me for not getting myself out of this relationship with my partner, I feel people will think I'm weak - in fact I beat myself up for being this weak.

Learn2Live

strawberryfair (and LOVE your screen name!)

strawberryfair

Thanks Naive and Floss.

I have recently tried to get job seekers allowance but was told i can't becuase i live with a partner that works..However i didn't tell them he's an alcoholic etc. etc.

I will go back and tell them i'm going to be homeless.

Thanks for your support - already i'm feeling more positive and just being avble to talk about all this - wow!

Pelican

(((strawberryfair)))

Cyber hugs to you!

You are not alone!

naive

right, first stop is the homeless people and explain you are "soon to be homeless". i was in exactly the same situation...not eligible because of my partner. kind of a catch 22.

has there been any domestic violence? if so, that gets them moving quickly. they take it very seriously. i had never pressed charges against mine, but they believed me anyway.

another thing that helped me is that i had already begun to stay other places, as my home was unmanageable at that point. i had stayed with some friends a few times...they did ask me if i had stayed other places at the homeless office...i went and stayed with a girlfriend who was already overcrowded with 4 kids in a two bedroom.

the other thought that comes to mind is a budgeting loan. there is eligibility if you have recently separated from your partner. they'll give you £330 to get on your feet.

naive

naive

strawberry-

before you go to the homeless people, it is good to have thought through why you home is unmanageable to you....

for me, i had a few very valid safety reasons...

1. he was physically violent towards me
2. he fell asleep with cigarettes still burning
3. he'd come in drunk at 3am and start cooking chips and then fall asleep.

just brainstorming here, don't know if you have physical problems as a result of stress in the home...such as use of anti-depressents, etc. or anything that your GP could support you with. in my case, i had a broken shoulder and had requested a psychiatrist to deal with the emotional trauma.

the homeless people never contacted my GP but if you are already working with your GP due to alcoholic trauma, it would help your case.

naive