sobermax

Here I am again. Sigh.

Short version: felt better and decided I was cured (again).

Gets harder every time - feeling pretty dreadful.

Not yet sure of the extent of damage I've done this time. I nearly burned the flat down though, leaving a cigarette in a wastepaper bin. Could have killed us both. My god - can't quite bear to think about what could have happened.

Hard to look forward hopefully when I have been in this place so many times.

Self-pity overwhelming.

Dammit. Dammit.

least

Start over again. And do something different than before. I tried and failed so many times I was ashamed of myself and felt like a worthless loser... but I wasn't a loser. I started again and kept on going and am coming up on a year. Never thought I could get this far. You can do this. But try something different this time, something you haven't tried before. A recovery program, counseling, rehab - something different that you haven't done before. And put your whole heart and soul into it because your life depends on it.

sobermax

Thank you Least. You are lovely.

Sean4988

Chalk it up to lessons learned, grow from it, all is not lost Have you tried working the 12 steps?

HumbleBee

You came clean; you didn't have to, but you did. Good for you.

Insidious, sneaky, mess with your head...yup, that's alcohol's way of luring you back into its grip.

Use this as a learning experience so you know what to do before it happens again, including what could've happened but didn't - this time.

Many, many of us have fallen.

Don't let the feelings of defeat prevent you from picking yourself back up.

Learn from it and move on.

Do you have a support system in place?

least

Correction: I am lovely now that I'm sober. And my whole life has opened up to possibilities I never thought existed. And waking up feeling good and not hating myself is just... wow!

maimai

Hang in there!! Post and read here often. There is lots of support!!

sobermax

Feeling very anxious and having palpitations. Got some chest pain also but don't think it is my heart. My father died in his early 50s from a heart attack so always a worry.

Scared of the sleepless next few days, scared of not waking up tomorrow.

In utter despair.

Sorry everyone for having screwed up so royally.

I think my wife has given up.

I'm really scared.

Hollyanne

Move over on the couch! Did the same on Wednesday, finished bottle on Thursday and feel much better now. AA meeting tonight, and I fessed up.
That was hard but they are fabulous.
May I suggest you have a good bawl and let it all out. That is my problem, I call the firebrigade when I have tryed everything myself first! Not feeling also subconsciously deliberately. Luckily my AA peeps kinda beat it out of me.
Back in the saddle now, hup!
xoxo

CarolD

Max....I'm concerned about your health and how to de tox safely.

I don't know about the system in the UK
but I would be going to a hospital for assistance.

sobermax

Hi Carol,

I had only one very big drinking day - yesterday - when I managed to get through 1/2 bottle of vodka and much wine, before that it had been a single bottle / 2 bottles of wine daily for about a week. I hadn't drunk any alcohol for a couple of months prior to this - am I withdrawing?

Dee74

Welcome back Max - please do see a Dr, if at least to put your fears at rest.

D

Hollyanne

May I clarify something?
I posted above and it sounds like I am fine now BECAUSE I relapsed!
That is NOT what I meant!!!!!
I had a horrible couple of days with a lot of pushing and shoving going on between me and my 2 AA friends. I kind of stumbled into having 2 sponsors. They gave me a right going over. Some fair and some not (IMO at the time) I had a few rounds in the ring. Got angry, got crying and finally got honest. I hated it but something has clicked. I am held to a high standard by these 2 and if I hear one more word about humility and surrender!!!!!!!
Good God, this cr@p is hard but when I make a breakthrough... it is very good.
A combination of reliable resources is going to get me right and at the same time I limit the resources so as not to be all over the place. Sorry for rambling, but I just wanted to clarify.

Toronto68

Max, I noticed you hadn't been around recently.

What do you think about the spiritual developments you were having? I remember you saying a few months ago you closed your eyes and looked into the great Somewhere and felt a peace and love - a kind of prayer, which wasn't an everyday experience for you.

I wonder if there was anything you stopped doing between then and now, that would have been helpful.

Glad you are back.

Spirit08

It's a baffling illness that we have. I suggest surrender. the ROOMS are where WE need to be.

Spirit08

Who knew it could be so simple?

sobermax

Hey Toronto, nice to hear from you.

I let things slide. Because I felt so much better, it was as if (and I know how this sounds) things hadn't been so bad and that if I was careful this time . . . lunacy.

The experiences I described earlier this year were all real and meaningful - I don't know why I am struggling now. I allowed individuals at meetings to get on my nerves and took umbrage at some of the things that were said and started thinking that 'I'm not like these people'. I decided that I could take the convenient bits of the program and make my own mini-program that wasn't such hard work. I gradually stopped meditating and before I knew it I was back at square one, except now it feels like all that work and effort was for nothing. Right now it is hard to take myself seriously when I say anything about sobriety. It is all I want but seems impossible. Sorry for the self-pity.

Heart is pounding and I really want this night to be over.

LexieCat

Sounds to me as if you have some pretty good insights into what led to this slip. That's awesome.

Nobody wants to relapse, but a lot of people do--if you learned something that makes you take the work more seriously and work it more productively, then it wasn't for naught.

You know now how resentments can be, how dangerous our own egos can be, how sneaky (aka cunning, baffling, and powerful) the disease can be. So you start over, having learned some tough lessons, the hard way--which is the only way some of us really "get it."

Toronto68

Well, until you are able to see a doctor (or to consider seeing one based on how you feel) - since it must be 3 or 4 in the morning - it will help to think positive thoughts for now and how things can go Up from here.

I don't think you need to downplay what you've had to say about sobriety, because the things you said while giving spirituality a try were helpful to me. I don't discard the fact that this was meaningful to me now, so you don't have to either.

What you are saying sounds like what many people deal with, so let that be one small bit of comfort. I am still working at getting my spirits where they need to be in my own way, so you can do the same.

All my best to you.

cat1961

SM - I feel your pain and that sounds like the awful w/d's I had the first day I put the sauce down. However, due to your family history I'd be seeing a doctor in the am if that's an option for you. You may get some form of relief to assist you the next couple days.

Thank goodness your place didn't burn down. That alone should be an eye opener for you. Of course my eye opener was after four DUI's, thousands of dollars in fines and time in jail. Sometimes it takes the absolute extreme for us to open our eyes.

I wish you all the luck and hope you can relax and sleep tonite. Tomorrow is a new "sober" day.